Need Help PLEASE - Bronx,NY

I have a 19y/o daughter who is in college. If she came to me to tell me she was pregnant I would be disappointed FOR and concerned ABOUT her. I would not he disappointed in her.

I would want to know what her head and heart were telling her. I know for my daughter the only option would be to raise the baby. The majority of her closest high school friends (seriously, 7 out of 10) had babies either during or shortly after their senior year. So, we have had MANY discussions about the possibility. Your mom will be in a better place if you have made some plans and put some thought to how this can work so that you can finish school. Get your duckies lined up and then arrange a time to talk to her.

There are tons of programs you will qualify for. Start with the school clinic and couselors, academic advisors and financial aid.

If you are a month along, then you will be due right at the beginning of the fall semester. Consider taking summer classes and only a couple online classes next fall. Give yourself some time to adjust to being a mommy but keep youself in the game... its really hard to start back of you ever quit. Take no Breaks!! I been there done that!! I did go back, but my girls were 2 and 5... it was harder, I believe, than if I had just gone on with it in the beginning. My husband worked out of town 6days/week... so it was like being a single mom.

Being a mom in school IS doable. It takes planning, routines, sacrifices, but thats temporary. Your love for your baby is permanent.

If you think the smarter thing is to not raise the baby, that's OKAY TOO. There are thousands and thousands of couples pining for a baby. Fine the one for your baby and go on with your life. Good Luck and best wishes.

Before you talk with your mum I would get a couple things ironed out in my own mind:

- Keep it, adoption, or abortion... as in what do YOU really want to do, and what would / could make you change your mind if anything. Be prepared for the answers to either be immediate OR to take a couple weeks to figure out. We often think that we know what we would do in a given situation BEFORE it happens, but then, come to find... when it actually happens we get a different answer. I know with my son I waited a few weeks before I told the people who were important in my life (his father to be, my parents, etc.) because I really needed time to process. Ditto, I had to be reminded a few times by my confidants that I needed to give them the SAME time to process that I gave myself. As in, by waiting, I was ahead of the game. And needed to allow them to catch up to me.

- Logistics. For myself, being in school while raising my son was the best thing EVER. I had to think a little outside of the box (ex: I could never take a full load, because doing so made me a mediocre mother AND a mediocre student, but after figuring that out - 1 class first quarter, 2 classes 2nd quarter, 3 classes 3rd quarter -whoa!-, need to stick with a max of 2 classes!... and then later only 1 "hard" class at a time -when kiddo dropped a nap-, so 1 hard class & 1 easy class kept me with enough credits to keep my financial aid.... ANYHOW 2 classes per quarter let me 4.0 my classes AND be a great mum. I don't have a 4.0, because I had to learn during 3rd quarter after birth that 3 classes was too many, and again when kiddo went to one nap that I had to balance a hard and an easy class.), but thinking outside of the box was the BEST decision I ever made. All the benefits of being a working parent and a stay at home parent together. I only had to arrange 10 hours a week of childcare... and got "paid" the same as if I was working 40. I got to further my education/ income potential while essentially being a SAHP. There are also TONS of "women and family services" offered through universities (the UW paid for my son's KILLER montessori preschool through their childcare subsidy that I never would have been able to afford on my own), the was campus daycare that I ended up not using, counseling, housing, tons and tons of things that just have to be sought out.

But yah... for myself... logistics meant planning out everything I would need to do if I were completely on my own (insurance, tuition, housing, childcare, income)... and then everything else that other people could offer was BONUS. I found I didn't need a single other person in order to make things work, so no one had "power" over me AND, like I said, anything that anyone else offered was BONUS. Extras :). Things to be grateful for instead of depend on.

- What will you do if everyone freaks out? And they may. Either temporarily or permanently. Work through every possibility. From everyone demanding an abortion, to calling you names, to needing the state to file for child support & or restraining orders.... to everyone being THRILLED... or people trying to push their own agendas (marriage, moving home, abortion, adopting, keeping it, etc.). Pregnancy hormones tend to set people on edge. I highly recommend working out best, probable, and worst case scenarios ahead of time. Get strong in yourself.

3D ultrasounds are considered "extras". One can tell, quite easily, how far along you are (give or take a week) with a regular ultrasound. LOL... had NO idea when my son was concieved, so the first one (11 weeks, give or take a week) was a *crackup*. He looked like an alien cat. No lie. Take me to you, meow, leader. But from that... we were able to get a general idea of what was up and schedule the "normal" ultrasound (to check for sex, abnormalities, etc.). For 3D ultrasounds (not covered by most insurance), one *typically* waits until mid to late 3rd trimester. In no small part, because prior to that, they look really, really freaky. Scary freaky. Organs hanging out & deformed freaky. Even early to mid 3rd trimester they look like concentration camp survivors. They don't build up the fat layer until the very end... so they don't exactly look like *babies*. Don't get me wrong... 3ds are FANTASTIC. But one usually wants to wait as long as possible before getting them. Like 32-36th week at the earliest.

Hi S., Congrats! I got pregnant pretty late in life.If I were your age I would have gone through abortion. Now that I am older I see how difficult it is for so many young women to get pregnant that my advice would be to go ahead and have the little person. Getting prego young is such a good thing in many ways. On the other hand, get ready to sacrifice your party life and freedom. Can you devote your time raising a baby, child etc. What are you going to do with yourself once baby comes along? I think if I were younger I would have been in many ways unprepared, but if you're living at home with mom/parents etc, they can be a great help. I sincerely doubt they'll ask you to leave the house no matter how angry they get.If you're not ready for marriage, don't do it. Stick to single life, but make sure you get financial support by the dad. I wish you the best of luck.

Well, you're a legal adult, so you need to just let your mom know. If she's disappointed, then she's going to be disappointed now or in 5 months or in 9 months. In 2011, she certainly shouldn't be so clueless as to think a 19 year old college student would be a virgin! Remember, unless you have an abortion, it's not going to go away! You need to make an appointment with your OB GYN and yes, they'll give you a sonogram when you think you're about 9-12 weeks or if you absolutely have no idea how far along you may be. If you don't have an OB GYN, you should visit a Planned Parenthood. They will help you figure out how far along you are, and they can recommend other doctors or see you on a sliding scale as far as fees are concerned. Please remember, if you have a boyfriend who is the father, you need to talk to him about it if you plan to have this baby. You didn't get pregnant by yourself, so he needs to be there to support you and for you two to figure out what you're going to do. When you're pregnant, those 9-10 months seem like forever, but they actually go by very quickly.

If your mom is paying your college tuition and everything, now is the time to let her know what the deal is, and if she drops you -find a job, find out about student loans (you can get them) and figure out your living situation. It will be difficult to have the baby and go to college and work, but you won't be the first to do it, and you'll be FAR ahead of the game now if you finish your degree instead of dropping out because of the baby. Both of you will have a better life if you get education or training in something you can make some decent money doing.

Congratulations. Try not to be scared. Your mom will be there for you, and if she's not, you can do it w/ the help of many friends and family who will. I found out I was preg before marriage but was in my late 20's and madly in love w/my fiance. Be sure to really think about your options. I know so many women who have difficulty conceiving and this is a blessing for you. You don't want to regret any decision you make...but your decision will be the right one. Having a child is a miracle and the best thing that will happen to you. Be sure to see your doc, get a prenatal vitamin, and take care of you. God Bless..

Call a dr.....explain and make an appt.......3d u/s are not done this early and some drs do not offer them at all.You will most likely have a regular u/s at your appt.....The best way to tell your mom is to just be honest with her and be ready to answer all the tough questions about financial responsibilities, school, work, daycare, etc.........You are an adult now and you have made an adult choice that has resulted in an adult consequence...Your mother will be proud of you if you show her the adult that you are in this situation.....

S.. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Don't panic and act in haste. Take this one moment at a time. Get all the information you need and take time to think about everything before you make any decisions. Please, please don't go to Planned Parenthood. They may talk you into making a quick decision that will affect your health and ability to have children in the future. Don't do anything you'll regret later.

Even if you aren't in a position to have & care for this baby there are many women who can't have children and would be happy to give your baby a loving home and bright future. I have a friend who can't have children. She owns a preschool here in central NJ and she and her wonderful husband are desperate to adopt a baby. Please, please think about how this "bad" situation for you could be the answer to someone else's prayer.

S.:

Hmmmm.....you are in a tough spot. I know if my 19 year daughter had gotten pregnant, I would've been very disappointed but I would HOPE that she would trust in me enough to tell me the truth and ask for my support.

My daughter is now 25 years old. Still single.

However, strict or not - you need your mom's support. you need to figure out what you are going to do and tell her what you need from her. Are you going to finish college? if so - how? are you going to keep the baby? does the father know? All of these are questions I would have of my daughter. I would ask why you didn't use protection? she will be mad and disappointed. she will have questions. make sure you have the answers.

If possible - have the baby's father there with you when you tell her so that she knows he's participating in this.

Life won't be easy at your age with a baby - it's possible not easy. You need to sit down and plan it out....get your stuff together and know what you want to do!!

Best of luck to you!!

I've never lived in your area, but looking online, I find a number of EMC Centers in New York City, some of them in The Bronx (www.abortionoptions.com). They offer free assistance and counseling, and will also help you in the matter of how to talk to your mother.

I've been a rather strict mother myself, and if you were my daughter I'd go there with you for support (after I came out of shock). If you are indeed pregnant, she will have both you and her grandchild to think about.

You are a month pregnant if the last time your started your period was 4-5 weeks ago. You do not need a 3D anything at this point. Most OBs do not want to see an expectant mother before 8 weeks unless it is a high risk pregnancy. However, since you seem so unsure about how far along you are (perhaps your cycles are not super regular?), in my book that makes you high risk. Call Planned Parenthood if you are too worried about seeing your family doctor. Planned Parenthood is not run by the anti-Christ...They support all aspects of womanhood and motherhood.

Even before you get your due date confirmed, you have several choices to make and some of them involve telling your mom (whether you tell her tomorrow or 8 months from now is immaterial):

1.) Having and keeping your baby.
2.) Having and finding a stable, loving family to raise the baby.
3.) Having an abortion. And last time I checked this was legal and considered a viable nay even moral option.

It will be OK whether or not you have your mom's support. First you should talk with the baby's father (are you in a relationship with him?) and let him know. If you mom knows who he is, then he should be with you when you tell her. When you do, be prepared for her to either freak out or say nothing. She will need to process this. As much of shock it is to you, it is to her too. You also need to go to the doctor and get an exam. They will probably do another pregnancy test and possibly an ultrasound. Once your pregnancy is confirmed, they will ask you what was the date of your last period,so you should have that with you. They will probably start you on prenatal vitamins and schedule blood work for you.

Also, you will have to decide if you are going to raise the baby or give the baby up for adoption. Remember it is YOUR choice.

I will pray that your mom supports you and wish you all the best with your decisions.

Pllease tell your mother don't go through it alone. Also adoption is an option if your not ready to be a mother. You won't be dissapointed for choosing life today is the anniversary of roe v Wade how fitting that you need help at this moment. There r many services out there to help you keep that child. Your mother will come to love that child. It will all work out. Your in my prayers.

Hi,

Go to a pregnancy counseling center and get some prenatal care. You can get a free ultrasound and exam--don't go to an abortion clinic. They will try to talk you into it! As far as telling your mom--- start out with, Mom-- I need to talk to you about something really important. Ask her when she is calm and make sure it is a good time for her. Then say, Mom, I know your not going to like what I have to say-and I know I made some mistakes--but I want you to know that I am pregnant. I am taking responsibilty for my choices and have decided to get prenatal care and insist the father pay child support. I really need your love and support during this time. Can I count on you to be in my corner?? Most likely she will say yes-- if she doesn't, don't worry-it may take time to get her calmed down and back to realiity. Best wishes and whatever you do, take care of yourself and your precious baby.

Molly

its a decsion thats going to have to be made soon i would say tell your mother now the longer you wait the longer she is probabley going to be mad i know this through experience next thing is please make sure you and the baby father is in an mutual agreement on the childs future. one can say everything will fall into place but sometimes that place is real rough.all i can say is think about the baby dont let the baby suffer for ( if a mistake was made) im not trying to lead you on to abortion but just want to give you both sides of the story rather you keep it or not im pretty sure your an strong women who will no dubt continue your carrerr to success

Are you still dependent on your mom financially (tuition money or a roof over your head) or are you totally on your own? Does the father of the baby know about you being pregnant? Have you discussed it with him? Do you have your own health insurance or are you under your mom's? Because you need to be seen by a ob-gyn and if it is under your mother's insurance, you will need to let her know. Do you know what YOU want to do? As far as having the baby or not, or giving it up for adoption? Because you are an adult at this point - once you are over 18, there really isn't anything your mom can say or do, though she can decide to not support you financially.

Have you been to a doctor? The doctor can tell you exactly far along you are and maybe even get you some help in dealing with the pregnancy and your mother. There are a lot of people who have been through this. You are not alone.
Good luck and keep us posted.

I would call your Ob. Also do you know when your last period was. That should help determine estimated due date.

Also 3d is only good when baby has more fat on them and lots of fluid around it... meaning towards your 3rd trimester.

Well your 19 years old theres not much she can do but be mad thats the most. Stuff happens not that you wanted it that way but things happen in werid reasons that we can't explain. The best person to ask is GOD he will help you ask him to let your mom be understanding. He will listen! With the sanogram i think you have to be a little futher along to be able to do that. If i were you make the best out of life keep attending college and be strong it might be tuff but i no you can do it! I hope what i said helpd you out alittle just to give you an idea. I wish the best for you! I think you should tell her when your comfortable enough too

Probably your mom will be in shock, but after she will have the baby on her hands she will melt!! Is important that you be calm, For the baby, I got pregnant late and for sure must be fantastic also being a mother young, for sure difficult, but not impossible. Study, study, get your diploma, ask for help to your mom and offer her your diploma.
I'm sad because probably I won't see my grand children or won't enjoy my daughter several years so.. I'm enjoying her every minute! And.... Melting! Good luck I will pray for you!!! To protect you and your baby.

You can go to your local crisis pregnancy center. They can give you a sonogram and counsel you on how to tell your family. They will give you support throughout your pregnancy if needed.

First of all, it will be ok. Secondly, you will probably be able to go to the dr and they'll have to do a vaginal ultrasound to be able to give you a definite date that lets you know how far along you are.
Take this day by day. Praying for you.

My advice is to just do it. When I told my parents I feared the worst, they didn't take it too bad in fact I was really worried about my mom but she was excited. Now I lived with my BF for a while before hand which might have helped but I told them around 6 weeks and I am glad that I did. It would be very strange having to do it much further into the pregnancy.

You should be able to go in and get an u/s for dating
Congrats on the pregnancy!

First and foremost, schedule an appointment with your OBGYN or the campus clinic to confirm your pregnancy. The doctor will help you figure-out how far along you are.

Ultrasounds and sonograms are not done (in general) to determine "how pregnant" you are, but are used to monitor the baby's development, determine gender and monitor high-risk pregnancies. 3D images are pricey and most insurance carriers don't support them unless there is a risk factor.

I would confirm the pregnancy first with a doctor and then have a conversation with your mother. I would suggest having a talk with your mom and be honest with her and make sure that she's not already having a bad day or in the middle of something when you bring it up. The odds are pretty good she knows "something is up" and is waiting for you to bring it up.

You can stay in school if you mom is willing to help out after the baby is born. You may have to take a semester off (depending on your due date), but you can continue taking classes when your post-partum period is over. This isn't going to be easy for you and you will need a lot of support from your mother and the baby's father (even if it's just $$ for childcare).

Good luck.

The 3d sonograms are usually done much later in the pregnancy, usually to tell the gender fo the baby after about 18 weeks. You can work out how far along you are by the first day of your last period. If you don't know the exact day just estimate, the due date is an estimate anyway. Just google due date calculator, I used a site called babycenter.com
You put in the first day of your last period and it will tell you your estimated due date and how many weeks you are.
Telling your Mom will be hard but you have to just do it. I know from experience how hard it is but once it's done you will have someone to help you through this.
Good luck, and congratulations

Dear S.,

I think it's important for somebody to say: you do have the right to legally and safely terminate your pregnancy. I'm not necessarily advocating this, and I certainly don't know if it's what you want or are considering, but I found some of the advice below to be inappropriately heavy-handed and political, so I wanted to make sure someone spoke about the full spectrum of your rights. More information here: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/

Another option, if neither abortion nor full-on parenthood is right for you at this point in your life, is open adoption, where birth mothers select the adoptive parents and maintain lifelong contact with the child. For many birth mothers, it's a less painful, less difficult option than traditional "closed" adoption. In case you're interested, here's a link: http://www.openadoption.org/index.html

S.,
Well, strict or no, she's going to find out eventually if you keep your baby, so SOONER is better for telling her. There is no 'right' time.

if it were me, I'd keep the baby and alter my life, but if it were me, your age is a long time ago and a lot of learning later, so I am really not going to give you anything one way or the other - it is your decision. (and technically, you have made the decision already...)

There are ways around tuition for Moms; you don't mention the other half of the decision-making process here. How does baby's Dad feel? Does he know? Would you marry this person if there weren't any baby involved? Would you now that there is?

(Sonogram/ultrasound isn't 3d until after the baby is far enough along that there are distinguishing features. Roughly 30 weeks or so. Don't get sold on 3d!)

Anything you do with your doctor would how up on your parent's paperwork - it shows up on my husband's all I have done and which doctors seen.

Hiding isn't going to get you much of anywhere, and I tell you all this because I don't want to see you go where my sister has gone. She opted twice for abortion. She is also suffering depression because of it, I believe, though she won't see anyone about it.

I'm not sure, but there is a website out there for Project Rachel (sp?) for women who have opted for abortion without all the actual information involved.

I wish you luck, and I wish your baby luck. Be very very careful in the decision you do make,

M.