Need an Opinion on How to Handle My Mother in Law for This Situation.

I know exactly how you feel. My own mother does this to me. I do have a rule, doesn't mean it sticks, but I try. When we are at out home, I keep the rules. I reprimand her in front of the kids, stop her in her tracks. When we visit her home, she does things "her way". She will spoil the kids, because she is the grandma and has the right to. She earned it. My kids have always been brought up this way. When they were younger, it was hard for them to understand the concept that things happen differantly at someone else's home. Differant rules. They soon learned to adjust to it, and know they know what to expect depending on where they are at. My children are 12 and 5.
There have been times when they spend the weekend with their grandma, and she gives them everything and anything. They would come home sick to their stomaches. I would call her and tell her all about it. Tell her that they cannot eat whatever they want and next time she will be taking care of them because of what she fed them.
It has gotten better, and easier. She now knows the consequences for her actions. And so do my children.
Good luck!! The in-laws are the hardest people to try to please, but stand your ground. Your house, your rules. Her house, her rules. When you are at her house, sit back, relax and when the kids ask you for something, tell them to ask grandma. Grandma gets to deal with them, it's her house!
If she wants you to visit more, invite her to come to your home whenever she wants durring the week. (prior notice a must)
Good luck with everything! Let me know how it turns out.
M.

Wow-did this ever hit home. My husband and I adopted a little girl just shy of 2 years ago. I have always had a wonderful relationship with my inlaws. But the second our plane landed with our daughter, everything changed with my MIL. She watched our daughter at our home for 6 months before we put her in daycare and the problems were awful. Sounds like the same kind of stuff, would never listen to me, did things I asked her not to, etc. It got so bad that it was causing major issues between me and my husband. I decided to go to couseling about it. After my 1st meeting, my counselor said this was common and that we needed to set boundaries. She said that people might not like us for a little while but it needed to be done. We put our daughter in daycare and distanced ourselves from my husband's family. (We visited often with them because they are also very close)Daycare helped and not involving them (her) in every issue of our lives also helped. Also, while she still does things like this and it bothers me, I stand my ground until she gets it. Oddly enough, my sister then went through this with her MIL. My counselor said the MIL's often feel threatened because they are no longer the go to person. Also, they start treating us like children. Another way to approach it is with humor (but firm). My MIL, while very nice, generous and considerate is also very controlling and tries to control our lives. That is why distancing ourselves from her really helped. What the couselor also said was that we needed to work on our family unit and establish a strong foundation with the 3 of us first and foremost. (who knew-we thought we already had-but family continued to intervene and stir things up).I hope this helps, I know this is long but I could say so much more. Things are better now but for one year, it was horrible. The tough part was that even though I would put my foot down, my MIL still would not listen (she often gave our daughter junk food-which she never gets at home) Actually, she took it upon herself to make ohter decisions too. Once we stepped back and she finally got it, things are better. She now realizes she is not the decision maker when it comes to our daughter. Let me know if you want to chat more.

In-Laws are tough to please, but I'd agree that she is overstepping her bounds. My mother started doing that with my daughter and giving her whipped cream, coconut and honey at 8 mo's old, and...ALL at one time! (It was a dessert that had all that stuff in it.) I made a point to say something infront of everyone else, but not to make a big deal about it. I said, "Mom?! What are you doing? We're very careful about what we're feeding her right now because we're still introducing foods and this has things that could bring out an allergic reaction. Don't be feeding her wierd stuff unless you talk to me first, and...if I say no, I'd appreciate it if you followed my direction. This is MY daughter, not yours. You were already a parent and now it's my turn. Let me be the parent." I said it with all sincerity in almost a begging and concerned tone. She said, "Ok. Ok. I'm sorry, I won't do that again." After that, she stopped doing it. But, even if it were a MIL, I would say it. You really have to be an advocate for your son. His needs should always come before yours, even if it means some awkwardness and discomfort on your part, over upsetting your MIL. Easy for me to say, I'm an in-youf-face kind of person though, so it's easy for me to speek my mind. And, I have said it to my MIL, and she knows now not to step over her bounds with me. She used to make comments to me when I was pregnant when she disaproved of what I was eating. I shut her up right away by saying, "Well, you can be pregnant your way, I'll be pregnant my way. My way, is eating this huge piece of chocolate cake and having a cup of coffee to go with it!" She never said another word. I'd blow off the thing about her tone when she was saying goodbye, you were probably already angry so you subconsiously found something else to be mad about. But, you should say something about her going against your wishes. If she truely cared for your son, she'd back off and let you be the mom that he needs. It doesn't have to be infront of everyone, but shortly after it happens...maybe you could just pull her aside and have a quick heart to heart about the fact that it's YOUR turn to raise a child...not hers. And, 30 years ago, raising a kid was different than it is now. Studies and technology have really come along way and those things greatly improve the way people should parent and care for the health of their children. Many things our parents did to us when we were baby's are certainly frowned upon nowdays. If she really doesn't listen, you could bring up a few examples of why we don't smear honey on the bottle nipples anymore, or why we don't give asperin to children, or why we don't rub schnapps on a teething baby's gums. We are a much more educated generation which makes our parenting styles very different than it was 30 years ago. Good luck.

Yeah, in-laws are a tough one. I have my own issues that I'm dealing with. Like Grandma and Grandpa letting my dd go to bed in her good Christmas dress and tights because they didn't want to fight with her. She knows that she can wrap them around her finger and it takes us 2 days to get her straightened out after they leave.

I'm guessing the "Mom" thing is that she remembers her son as a little boy and it is just a slip of the lips. I've caught myself calling my Mother "Mommy" (I don't remember every calling her that) just like when I talk to my kids about me. "Be careful that's Mommy's" :) My Mom thinks it's hilarious.

The food thing is a really tough one. What you might want to tell your MIL is that he can have snacks, but they have to be healthy ones. Like bananas or cheese. Not cookies or candy. If she doesn't listen you can always take him out of the room so she can't sneak them to him.

Good luck!

I had a similar situation when our kids were babies. I think you and your husband need to have a conversation about this and then he needs to talk to his mother about respecting the rules and schedule you both have for your children. Clearly she is not respecting your opinion, but I think your husband needs to step up to the plate and support you on this.

Your mother in law needs to know that it's one thing to "do special things" at grandmas and it's another to blatantly go against the rules you have set up. My mother lets the kids have ice cream for breakfast sometimes which is silly and fun at grandma's, but she respects the rules if we arrive and I say one of them did not have a good lunch and the consequence is no sweets, she respects this.

Good luck. Have a good conversation with your husband and then have him talk to his mom. Doesn't have to be attacking.

And if she continues making comments like, "we didn't do this 30 years ago," you can gently reply, "well this is how we do it now," or "the pediatrician recommends THIS now," or "isn't interesting how things have changed," without getting angry.

Good luck!