Advice on Mother In-law

Hello... Obesity epidemic!!! I agree with you, and we have this same issue with my in-laws. However, they are "free" sitters. Paid sitters do follow the rules much better. Even my own husband disregards the rules about nutrition. I try to let most of it slide; you know, the whole grandparent thing. However, when I do say something, they say, "Oh yeah. We know." And then they do the opposite of what I've requested. What works best for us is when I report to them after visiting the pediatrician. I blame all MY requests on the doc. Seems to help a little.

I would be very very honest and very blunt.

Mom, I am the parent, I decide what he can and cannot eat. I do not want him to have cookies, chips, processed foods etc. Please respect my decisions, if you can't do that I will not be able to trust you alone with him.

L.,
I have a similar issue with my mother-in-law feeding my children (2 years 5 months, and 14 months) any thing and every thing. At first, I was like you, but I just let it go becuase it's not worth causing family strife over it to me at least.

Let her be a Grandma! Unless he really has an allergy or medical condition, let him slurge a little. Grandma's have earned the right to spoil their grandkids and it's one night! If you try to over control the situation, you could and probably will do more harm than good. I just had a group of 15 children over and they gravitated to the fruit and healthy snacks while chips and candy are still left.

You can take the food to Grandma's house, but it will probably just stay on the counter. Let it be a treat to go see Grandma not a powere struggle.

tell her that there are a lot of hidden things in those foods, like nuts, soy, eggs, weird oils and other things your doctor has told to avoid for fear of SEVERE allergic reaction (really play up the severe part- anaphaltic reactions and such). (Maybe even tell her he got a rash from something the other day (one of the days she fed him something) and you are not sure what food it is and that each exposure can cause a more severe reaction!

I would take a few things with you (Earths Best makes some Elmo crackers, and Cookie Monster cookies that are all organic) maybe take some of those gerber puffs- some "fun" food for her to feed him that she can "spoil" him with. Then I would prep all of his meals and take them with you.

Our doc said we could always default to her when it came to things like this- Grandparents are sometimes much more likely to go with the plan if it is something your doc "said" than something you as a parent "wants"

Hi L.! WOW, does this problem sound familiar - I could have written it myself 4 years ago! My son is 4.5 and my daughter is 28 months. They spend enough time at Grandma & Grandpa's house that I finally had to have the "talk" with my MIL. The talk being that, although she IS Grandma and therefore - by proxy - given the usual "Grandma priveledges" of spoiling her grandchildren, there had to be some common ground and rules. Since my kids DO spend enough time at Grandma's throughout the course of a month, she needed to follow more of OUR home rules when she has our kids, instead of spoiling them so much like she only got to see them once/twice a year (like my mom, who lives in FL.) Since my MIL is such a big part of their lives and she see's them fairly often, I gently told her that she needed to be more "grounded" and had to follow our rules as far as diet/nutrition. She could break every other mom/dad rule and spoil them and let them get away with things that we normally wouldn't, but that the one thing I was not willing to compromise on was junk food! Unfortunately for us, my husbands brother moved back home with his parents after his divorce and he has his son quite a bit, yet g-ma takes care of him more often than his own dad. Well, my BIL does not have ANY kind of rules for his son and was letting him drink a full can of Coke at 2 years old!! Besides the fact that it drove me absolutely crazy to see this, Grandma started doing it too since it was ok with his own dad. There was just NO WAY I was going to allow my kids to have pop and all the other junk her other grandson is given, the "talk" HAD to happen. I just laid it out for her again, gently but firmly, and said that if the kids were going to spend that much time with her, that she needed to make sure that our "food" rules were enforced. She actually was receptive to it and accepted it very well. Although I would say that our rules are not kept up 100% like I'd like, I chalk that up to her being g-ma and allowed to spoil them a little (which makes her feel good)and it gives me peace of mind knowing that my kids aren't over there drinking Coke everytime I leave them!!! If you don't feel like you can have this kind of conversation with your MIL, then perhaps you could get your husband engaged and have him set the ground rules with his mom?! Good luck!!!

My biggest issue with this is that after you told your MIL what was acceptable, she still did what she wanted, regardless. Regardless is the key word, here - without regard for you, your opinion, your mothering ability, your knowledge. Some people may tell you to pick your battles, to let her "grandparent," but this isn't about what to feed your child or what not to feed him, this is about your MIL respecting and honoring your rules as the mother, and following them, whether she agrees with you, or not. If it were me, I would print out some information to back you up, and confront her - gently, lovingly, but firmly, explaining that you know that she wants the best for her grandchild and that while she may have been given different information in her day, new studies have shown that children are much more likely to develop food allergies if foods are introduced too early. In that generation, from my experience, feeding new and more "adult" foods as early as possible was considered a kind of pride based stepping stone for growth, and she may still be holding on to these misconceptions. The important thing here is that she be made aware of the facts and, if you are comfortable doing so, made aware of your feelings when she ignores your instruction with your child. She may think she knows "best;" MILs often do, but it doesn't matter what she thinks. This is your child, and it's important to assert yourself in a healthy way, making sure that you and your child get what you need, whatever that means, whatever her feelings are around it. It is your right and your duty as a mother to do so.

L.,
I hate to tell you this but just by the fact that your MOL waits until you are out of the room to give your son the "banned" foods, she is already well aware of your wishes, she is just ignoring them.

If you son is staying at Grandma's because you need someone to watch him it makes things more difficult, but if hes staying there because you want them to have together time, then you could just keep him home.

I now have 5 children and seem to have mellowed. I had a similiar problem with my own mother when my oldest child was about your sons age. I didn't want him to have the junk food at all, and she was determined to spoil him, it caused many, many, arguments and hard feelings for a long time.

This is experience speaking here-you can let the situation go one of two ways (and I learned this the hard way) she can be your biggest headache and cause of stress, or she can be your best helper. I tried to police my mom all the time about the food and indulging my kids, and after awhile I came to the realization that they knew they could only get the stuff at her house, they didn't bug me for it at home. It really wasn't harming them in any permanent way (other than the occasional tummy ache).

While my relationship with my mother isn't perfect and we still have our "issues", she is good with the kids. She loves them every bit as much as I do, she would never do anything to hurt them, and would do anything for them. So now I actually feel good when I leave them at her house, I try not to think about the food thing, but concentrate on all the other good things they get out of being close to her. Not to mention that if she is not busy she is always thrilled to babysit with little or no notice and she does it for free, just for the joy of being with her grandbabies.

To me the payoff is much higher to keep things in this perspective than to be mad about it all the time, and feel like I always had to battle things with her.

I know easier said than done, its your first baby and you know how you want to do things. I guess all I'm saying is in time you may look at it differently, and be glad for her presence in your life (although it took me a long time to get to that point!)

Good luck to you and God Bless.

I went through this with my first, who is now 2 1/2 years old. My MIL wanted to give her cookies, pop, chocolate milk, etc. Those things weren't acceptable in our house and she was aware of it, but snuck it in anyways. On her first birthday I had chocolate cupcakes that I told my MIL that my daughter couldn't have, that didn't stop her and she, my daughter ended up getting sick from it...yet that didn't phase my MIL. I had a huge blow out about this with my hubby and we decided she, my MIL was not allowed to watch our child. My MIL was very disappointed and constantly took "shots" at me and my parenting, always saying she raised five kids and they all survived. I gave her a print out from the ped. saying how my daughter was high in weight and needed to eat only healthy foods...still no reaction from my MIL. I still battle her on this issue. Now I have another child who is one and extremely allergic to dairy and eggs. So anytime she, my MIL wants to hold him, she has to wash her hands and face to make sure she is clean...again, she won't do this because I asked her too. It will be a constant battle, and I'm willing to fight for my kids. They are YOUR kids and as long as you have your hubby's support, that is all you need. My MIL doesn't see the kids, but once a month if that, and there is always a battle. Luckily my daughter now tells her she can't have chocolate and that certain foods will make her brother sick. Yes, I know I have a 2 1/2 year old telling my MIL how to raise them!!! Stand your ground on this. It sucks not having them to babysit, but it's their choice. I can't stress enough, they are YOUR kids! Good luck and sorry this is so long, it's a hot subject for me!

In my experience, you can do more harm to the relationship with her than any "bad" foods he may ingest with her. Sure, tell her you're concerned about healthy eating habits & allergies, and give her some info she can reference if he has any sign of a reaction, but some cookies from grandma won't poison him, but you trying to control her behavior could. Thats what I learned anyway. You don't have to pretend to not care what he eats but denying him time with her, and yourself the freedom of babysitter fees, seems extreme. Has her son spoken up to her on the issue?

Tell her that she is going to go about your way or no way. When it comes to your children NEVER EVER be submissive. I had a similar problem with my son's grandmother on his father's side and she was trying to give my son grits and eggs and greens and he wasn't even three months old. I told her " DO IT AGAIN, HERE"? No one can tell you what to do with your son. ANd when people jut go over your head that means they don;t respect you plain and simple. I know that's his gransmother but you may have to wait until he can talk and can tell you what's going on when you are not around and also tell people "No, mother does not allow me to do that" before you let him around her by hisself.

Hi L.,
I had the same problem, but with my mother. She was giving my daughter food she wasn't ready for yet. I told her that if it didn't stop I'll get a babysitter who will listen. It stoped immideately. When I was picking up my girl, she wasn't covered in plum sause anymore. :-) If you are not comfortable talking to your mother in law about it, then it should be your husband. Your son's wellbeing is more important than your mothers in law feelings!! So don't worry about hurting anyone. If she is absolutely crazy about her grandchild, like my mother was, she'll stop. Also you can pack some healthy stuff with your son when he is visiting grandma and tell her to feed him this only! Maybe she dosn't doesn't have any healthy foods around....

I wouldn't let her watch your son if she won't listen to you. You are his mother, and its your rules, no matter what she thinks. My mother in law pulled that with us, and in the long run, she lost. If you aren't comfortable leaving him with her, don't. You already said you can't trust her when you leave the room. If she does that stuff when you leave the room, I guarentee she does alot more than that when you aren't even there. Good luck, but its time to find a differnt person to watch your son.

Whenever there is any type of touchy subject that needs to be brought up with any member of my in-laws, I make my hubby do it! If it's my family, I'll do it; but if it's his family, he has to do it.

Oh, and make sure he doesn't say "L. would feel more comfortable if...," he needs to say "Mom, I would really appreciate it if you would only feed our son the food we provide. The pediatrician tells us it's very important to stick to this slow introduction to foods..." or whatever.

Good luck to you!

L.
let me start by saying i know how you are fealing but grandma is going to due what she wants no mater what you give him all the good for him food and what bad stiff granms gives him wont hurt him

Explain things so that it sounds like a serious thing to have no processed foods. Wouldn't hurt her any to cut out processed foods as a regular diet. But find a way to explain why you have him on such a strict diet. "He gets awful gas pains, THROWS TANTRUMS!!!! (that would put anyone off!) because of the effects, just think of something.
If it continues, decrease the times he's left with gramma. Lessen the visits to gramma's house. Maybe she'll get the idea or someone will explain to her why she doesn't have her little sweetie over much. Because she can't respect the wishes of the parent.

This is a tough one - my in laws are the same way. Can't wait to give my now 3 1/2 and 2 year old cookies and *gulp* pop! Well, my husband and I decided we want to teach our children healthy eating habits first and when they get older and can discern what a "treat" is then they can have those things. As a result our in laws have not been alone with our kids now for over a year. We had several discussions and we still catch grandpa giving them pop from his cup. So needless to say they don't babysit and they know why. We told them when the kids are older then they can spoil them. Luckily it hasn't caused hard feelings but we're proud that our kids ask for second helpings of broccoli and salad! I suggest you decide for sure what you want for your child and stick with it. There are major inconveniences not having the in laws babysit, but my husband and I tend to be a little on the heavy side and did not want that for our children. It was important to us that they not eat the junk and we decided to stick it out. Good luck!

HI there,
Yes you are definitely the mother, and need to feel like you have control of the situation. But, I was just thinking, maybe you should just choose your battles. How often is he with her. If it is not too often, then does it really matter that he gets those things some of the time, if you are giving him great things most of the time? It just depends on how you want to handle it. Hope that helps. I know those situations can be sticky sometimes, I hope it all works out for the best:)

Sorry your Mom-in-law is disrespecting you by doing this. You need to be firm with her and tell her she is NOT allowed to feed your child something you have NOT approved. If she wants the privilege of spending time with your child she needs to obey the rules.

I know this might sound harsh, but if you stand up for this you will have established a boundary that is important. If she disobeys your wishes now with food, what will she do when your child is older and the issues are bigger or more life changing.

Yes its kind of a Grandparent's job to spoil kids, but it often gets excessive, especially if you live close to them. If your kid only sees the Grandparents a few times a year and they spoil them rotten those few days, it doesn't make too much of a difference. However if they get this treatment constantly if truly does spoil the child.

Sitting down with your MIL and telling her that you respect her as a person and want her to have a good relationship with your child will probably help, but it might still be a tense situation. Let her know that his diet is important to you, and you want him to learn to eat healthy foods now while he's developing his tastes. If kids are fed processed foods, eventually all they want to eat is mac'n cheese and pizza. Children fed vegetables learn to enjoy them very quickly! Let her know you want your child to eat healthy and by this early training it will save many battles as the child grows up. Treating her as a partner in this venture might help too, instead of telling her what to do. But it seems like you've maybe done all of this already and she's still disrespecting you.

This is hard to handle, but if she's blatantly going against your wishes you need to set a firm boundary. A boundary without consequences is like a fence with a hole in it.

Another thing, which I SHOULD have mentioned first. This is your husband's mother. HE should be the one to set this boundary and set the consequences. It will go over better for him to stand up to her, and if he's uncomfortable with this, he should at least back you up when you do it.

Best wishes on this delicate situation.

When you are a grandma, you will understand. Hang in there!

He's YOUR child and you DO get to dictate what he eats. Period. You can and have the RIGHT to tell people that watch him what they can and can not feed him.

I would sit down with her and tell her what you object to and why you are choosing to not give him junk food. Insist that she follow your wishes. Be frank... and tell her that although you appreciate her willingness to watch your son, if she continues to go against your wishes, then you will have no other recourse but to find a babysitter.

It's as simple as that.

I am grateful that my mom has not had an issue in this area yet. Although she and my dad don't eat very healthy, she knows how I am feeding our daughter and follows my lead. She also asks me what she can and can not have.

Many grandparents believe they can just give the child whatever they want and then send them home and the parents can deal with the after affects. They want to be the 'fun' grandma. They had to raise and discipline THEIR kids ... and now they feel it's their turn to just be the buddy. As parents we have to set down the ground rules. Spell out what is and what is not ok.

Food is a big issue. The patterns we help our children develop now will stick with them for a lifetime. A friend of mine has a son (15 yrs old) who has a weight issue. However, when he is at home he eats well, is active, and keeps his weight under control. When he goes to GRANDMA's house, they do not care what he eats and the boy will put on 15 lbs in 2 weeks just because of the junk he eats and is not active. It makes my friend FURIOUS, obviously.

Good luck.

L.,

Every grandparent wants to "spoil" their grandchildren. My mother will try to give my 4 & 6 year old icecream at 9pm (an hour past their bedtime) when we arrive from out of town. When this happens I as the child of the grandparent intervenes to prevent my husband from having to do so. If it's candy during the day I will let my mother "spoil" them a little but draw the line at excess.

I guess what I'm trying to say is give your MIL a little slack and allow her the fun part of being a grandmother by spoiling her grandchild. This is what every grandparent longs to do as it allows them to form a "special" relationship with grandma and it's something the child will enjoy as he gets older i.e. grandma lets me do things that my parents won't let me get away with and creates alot of fond memories - especially if grandma doesn't live close to you.

My thoughts are just another opinion to consider but just be careful not to ruin your long term relationship with your MIL over an occasional "spoiling". Trust me. It could have a more lasting and bad effect on your relationship than you realize. (A little about me. I've been married for 17 years to a wonderful and supportive man. His parents are divorced and remarried so I have two MIL's to deal with. In other words I have several years of experience dealing with MIL's :).

Good luck and hang in there. If you feel this is totally unacceptable then have your husband be the one to lay down the rules - not you.

A lot of people are saying you're overreacting and that grandma will do what she will do. I disagree, this is YOUR child and you make the rules. Period. When she continues to do the opposite of what you've politely asked her to do she is disrespecting you. Yes, grandmas like to spoil and if you hadn't specifically asked her not to then it would be fine.
I wouldn't let her watch him until she can follow the rules. She's the one who will miss out.

Hi L.,
I know how you feel. When my first daughter was about your son age I always pack all the food for her to my MIL. She almost 3 now and I still pack everything for her to eat. By doing it I know what she eat and how much she eat. If my MIL what to feed her something else then I don't need to know or don't know about it. By doing this way I don't have to talk to her or cause any problems between us make life easier and less stress. I hope this help. Good luck.

If my mother-in-law or any other relative didn't respect us enough to abide by our rules with our son, that person would not be allowed to watch him. My mother-in-law has not baby sat our three and a half year old son since the end of 2006! If your MIL cannot obey the rules, she shouldn't be allowed time alone with her grandson.

I would relax a little one this one. Unless your mother-in-law lives with you and this is a daily struggle, I would allow her to spoil him. He will learn that the treats he enjoys with his Grandma are special treats that he gets only when he is with her!! It is wonderful that she is willing to have him and spend time with him and close enough to be able to do that. Part of the joy of being a grandparent is being able to spoil the grandchildren!
Good luck.
Barb

I just wanted to chime in that I agree that the grandparents need to listen to the PARENTS of the child. They got to do what they wanted with their own kids. They don't have the right to raise your kids the way they want. Certain foods can really affect children in negative ways, so I think that you should tell your MIL that either she only gives your child the kind of foods that you approve of, or she doesn't get to babysit him.

Also, why is giving him junk food the only way to "spoil a child".. How about spoiling them with love and NOT food?? Take him to the park or the store to buy him something fun. Lots of kids are overweight nowadays, so spoiling them with food isn't a great option.

Good luck!!

I totally agree with you, my mother in law wanted to put SUGAR in my son's milk, said it needed sweetening. My father in law kept asking me if I drank my milk without sugar (which of course I do). My father in law actually did put sugar in my son's bottle once and told my husband later who went crazy at him. Since then they have not gone against our wishes, but still insist on airing they're opinions even though they know ours are very different when it comes to nutrition. I would say though, if he's staying the night maybe you could take some acceptable treats along with you. Tell her if she must spoil him then to spoil him with the treats you have brought. Just set the ground rules again and tell her if she can't live by them she won't be able to watch your son again. That's basically what my husband did with his parents.
In reality there is nothing you can do to ensure she follows your wishes, a lot of people from that generation think our generation is overreacting to many harmful things that they think did them no harm in the past. They probably think our kids lived on this and they're ok.

This is where you need to "pick and choose your battles" If he doesnt see her that often-and she already does it behind your back-let it slide...Or have someone else watch him? I`ve learned through the years that`s what I have to do.

Hi L.,

I haven't had too many problems with this yet, but I know they are coming since my mom always pushes junk food on my husband and myself when we visit. I've been trying to re-direct her by asking her to have healthy choices for snacks such as a veggie tray. Sometimes they take just as long to make as homemade cookies and it's much heathier.

For our daughter who is now 1, I've suggested that she let her try new table foods at dinner. I think they just want to see her reaction to new foods and this has satisfied her so far.

Good luck

N.

I hear you on food. We are trying to cut out High Frutose Corn syrup, MSG, Nitrates, glutons... ugh it is hard sometimes when you can't have your fav. stuff, and the bad stuff is in just about anything you buy at the store from bread to boxed potato mixes to popsicles...
cookies probably are not so bad if they are homemade and not excessive. Hot dogs, bologna and stuff aren't good. Just let her know the health risks of them, and that it isn't that you want to be mean to her, it is just not good for a very young boy to eat that kind of thing (adults either). Maybe she may even start eating better too, ya never know! Plus, as long as she isn't giving him junk ALL the time, it shouldn't be too bad... I allow my dad to give my kids candies, but he doesn't get to see them very often. Not a big deal... but if it was all the time, I'd ask him to get like dehydrated fruit, or fresh fruit or something... Maybe you can do that. Don't make her feel like she is bad or something, and it may hurt her feelings if you give a menu. Just send some snacks that you approve of, give her scientific facts on processed foods (you know, why you don't want him to eat them) and let it go. Don't ruin your relationship... Just find a way to talk to her about it. I hope this helps you!

These people who are telling you to relax and that "you'll understand when you're a grandma"... well, those are the future grandmas that moms like us have to watch out for!

Don't budge. This is your child and you know him best; not grandma. Be firm but gentle with her and hopefully she'll come around. If not, I echo the general sentiment that if she can't respect you, her visits need to be cut short or supervised. It sounds rough but this is only the beginning of the disregard she'll show for you, and you need to assert yourself now before it's too late.

Micro-manage much?? Lol...just kidding, I am guilty of the same thing. Take a breather and realize that this is just food and she is doing it out of love...not neglect. There is nothing she can feed him that will *ruin* him while you are gone, but you can ruin your well deserved break by worrying about it. Sure, bring him some approved snacks...but skip the menu, it will look like you do not think she is capable or smart enough to care for your child. Instead, meet in the middle. Make a list of what you can *overlook* and what is absolutely forbidden, for reasons of allergy or otherwise...but keep it short. Remember, you always get further with kindness!

She is not trying to hurt him...she is just trying to love him!

Enjoy your break....

~L.

Dear L., You need to set up some healthy bounderies with your MIL now, before it gets worst. Let her know that you want to be able to trust her with your child, but if you catch her feeding your son what you don't want him to eat then you will get a sitter instead of allowing her to spend time with him. Until her behaviour comes back to bite her she will not change. Put your foot down now or it will become a nightmare with other thngs. Demand respect from all people in your life. We teach others how to treat us, good or bad. Good luck.

If you bring food and/or a menu I would suggest that you approach it like "I thought this would make your job easier ..."

Make sure you and your husband agree about how to tackle this difficult situation - maybe it'd be best if HE spoke to her. Be prepared for some resentment if you do bring food and/or a menu.

Choose your battles carefully [and *with* your husband - you're a TEAM!], your MIL will be in your life for a long time. Good luck!

I absolutely agree w/ Sherrie. If they can't follow your rules and instructions, they shouldn't be watching your child. I would have your husband talk to her. If you have to...(and you shouldn't have to) tell her the dr. said no sugars, processed foods. I am the same with my kids. My parents always follow the rules. Now that my son is 4, he is allowed treats occassionally and I will generally specify what (i.e. small vanilla ice-cream cone, or 2 cookies before bed, ect). My 9 mos old is absolutely not to have anything, including juice (not even a bite of vanilla ice-cream, even though as my mother told me...but she watches me when I eat it:)). Thankfully they follow my directions.

Maybe if you can convince them they can show love in other avenues than food....

(I'm assuming your mother-in-law is babysitting for free) -

When a family member watches your child for free, it does get a little tricky to have as much control over things (tv, food, etc.) as you would with a paid neighbor or college student babysitter. The family member watching your child for free is already doing you a "favor", so it's hard to feel right about being too controlling. Remember, many grandparents aren't willing to babysit and only choose to enjoy the company of their grandchildren when mom and dad are also around to take care of discipline, feeding, and all the other routine child-care tasks. You're lucky she babysits for you!

A few things to consider...

1) How often does she watch him / give him junk food? If it's only once a week or so, can you let it slide? I have fond memories of eating "forbidden" foods when I got to see my grandma. They're supposed to spoil you! Maybe you could even stop fighting her and just get her to agree on a "reasonable" amount of junk food or ask that she wait until he's 2 or 3 to give him some of those foods.

If she babysits him several times a week, maybe you can give her one day a week when she can spoil him but explain that she sees him so often, she needs to act like a parent the rest of the time, instead of a grandparent.

2) If it really bothers you, consider hiring a babysitter once in a while instead of leaving him with her. When she questions it, politely address the fact that it's important to you that the person watching your child respect the rules your husband and you have developed for your child. Don't be confrontational about it, just matter-of-fact. Say that you don't want to create conflict with her, but you don't want your son eating a ton of junk food, so explain that this was the only solution you could come up with. Perhaps at that point she might be willing to agree to some compromises so that she can spend more time with her grandchild.

Good luck!

I understand your concern, and I understand both sides of this situation.
In your MIL's defense, she raised her kids, they are perfectly healthy and fine, and it didn't hurt them. In her eyes and by proof of her life, she doesn't feel that she is doing anything wrong, and she most likely thinks she knows a little more, since this is your first, and hers are all raised. Sure we know things they didn't know about nutrition, but with the few hours she'll have your son, it won't hurt him. Grandparents houses are for treats, being spoiled and getting out of the routine.
On your side, your doing your best for your child, and it is commendable. Keep on doing what you are doing on your side, but realize that there will be times that you won't be able to ahere to such a strict routine. Relax a little...everyone is like this with their first. Everything has to be perfect. I remember freaking out the very first time i had to mix formula, because i thought if i was off even by a hair during the measurments, it would hurt him!! With my 2nd, I was so much more relaxed.