Mother in Law Issues - Black Creek,WI

S.,

With something like this, I know that it can be very hard. I am sitting here wondering what I would do if that was my Mother In Law doing this. First I would talk to my hubby and then if he agreed I would have him tell his Mom that she cannot see the children until she can start respecting us and when we say no, then it is no. Also she would have to learn how to limit the sugar, and give them healthy food instead. Just my thoughts. I hope that what ever you decide to do, that things will get better for you.

Wow that's a tough one because she is family, at least your husband's family. If I were in your shoes I would discuss it with my husband and ask him to confront your mil with you. Perhaps a united front will get through to her if separately, she walks all over you. However, you may have to choose whether or not you want this issue to come between your kids and their grandmother. Although it's unacceptable for her to undermine you with your children, you can be the bigger person and not lash out at her. You can also depend less on her for baby-sitting if you currently use her to watch your kids. If she's in charge of them for set periods of time, she may think she has more authority. If you only visit her from time to time she can't exert as much power over you and your family. Good luck.

Wouldn't it be nice if they had a show "Nanny 911 for Mother-In-Laws?" Something definitly needs to be said but NOT by you. Your hubby needs to tell her to shut it or she's not going to be welcome w/the kids. You HAVE to think of your children and the mixed messages they are receiving. Ugh, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I can't imagine having a MIL like that. Best of luck to you and remember...they are YOUR kids to raise, nobody elses! :)

Hi - I feel your frustion - I am dealing with a mil very similiar for 2 1/2 years and honestly I don't think mil will ever change or accept that the "new" methods of raising children are proven to be better and children need boundries - you know the saying "you can't teach an old dog new tricks". My husband and I finally decided to stop the visits at Grandma's due to safety issues. It was really a tough decision and we had to find other free ways for childcare needless to say I don't get enough breaks as a mother should.

These are some of the pains we dealt with - I could go on and on and vent - yes I'm still angry and frustrated.

Our daughter was not supposed to have peanuts or peanut butter before the age of two but my mil gave it too her and acted dumb likes it no big deal and we would tell her all the time do not do this.

I have asked her not to give M&M's before meals and right infront of me and others the mil gave our daughter a big cup of m's - the mil later wondered why my daughter would not eat the hotdog for dinner and I announced infront of everyone at the party that maybe it was becuase you gave her M&M's when I asked you not to. That one shut her up for a while. :)

I too had the water issue - I had just gotten our very stubborn daughter to drink water and it took almost a month of weaning onto water with a smaller amount of juice each time. I was livid and of course my husband did not understand the frustration becuase he was not home trying to deal with this. My mil still gives her juice all the time even when I told her not too on DR orders because its empty calories and he wanted our daughter to be hungry and eat a nutritional meal so she will gain weight - even with an explanation and Dr orders she does not respect what we ask.

My husband has talked to her several times and it goes in one ear out the other.

I have found I have a better peice of mind if we keep our visits very short and away from the home. Good luck!!!

Hello S., My mil is not as disrespectful as yours..just a tiny bit....I am thankful she lives three hours away so we do not see her as much. I think what you will need to do is TEACH her to respect you. You are probably thinking she is old enough to know but there arre some people who miss the boat. She sounds like she does not understand boundarys (sp) and that means she needs to be taught it consistently. She might get pissed but that it her problem. I mean.....for her to just give your child sugary sweets right after you say no. I would be standing right there taking whatever sweets it is and walk away with the kid leaving he sweets with mil...just to show both mil and dd who is in charge. If are going to be passive and let her do that in front of your child then are actually teaching your own child to disrespect you. Sounds mean??? Sorry...kids see mommies reactions too! If she sees you stand by and do nothing then you are the actually teaching dd to disrespect you too. You need to stand your ground and your husband needs to back you up. If he doenst then it defeats the purpose. I would sit down and discuss it with hubby first and have him sit his parents down and tell them how he expects them to treat you. They are his parents and he needs to stand up and tell them like it is. I would make a list of things you want respected...both your hubby and you can look over it and talk about it indepth. Both need to know why you want these rules respected otherwise both of you will cave in to mil. Hey ...back it up with research. Then sit both grannies down and talk about it without the kids around. The kids do not need to see this type of discussion.

If she is still disrespectful then you both need to think about limiting access to the kids. Sounds crazy?? Well imagine this....picture them in the preteen or teenage years with a grannie's attitude towards the both of you. Not pretty!!!! Good Luck!!!

S.,
It sounds like everyone has the same issue with their MIL. Fortunately my MIL does not disregard my rules. I made it very clear when I was pregnant that if my rules were broken she would not have a relationship with her grandchildren. (she broke every possible MIL rule prior to my pregnancy) She has been wonderful knowing I wouldn't allow her to see the girls if she didn't follow the rules. You might have to put your foot down and tell her she will not be allowed to see the children if she does not listen. You may feel like the mother of a two year saying it to her two year old, but it'll only make your relationship stronger. Good luck, I personally know it strains your marriage and relationship with your inlaws.

Oh S. i feel for you. My husband and i have been married for 5 years and we have 3 kids(almost 4 almost 2 and 6 months) and we have gone round the tree with her the whole time. my mil will tell my boys they dont have to pick up toys at her house only mommy makes you and when my son was potty training she would not make him try to go every hour like i asked because he was playing or watching tv. I have no advice for you as to what can be done cuz i have tried it all and nothing has worked but i do know that when she went for 4 months without getting to watch the kids she asked me why and i told her it is worse on the kids and i to undo all the bad habits everytime we are there.she told me that was rediculous that she raised to kids and knows what shes doing and i told her that is true. you raised your kids very well and now its my turn to raise mine and i hope you respect that. she is taking them overnight this weekend for the first time since oct so we will see how it goes but my whole point to all this is stand your ground. tell her how you want things and ask that she respects that. its you and your kids who suffer later if you let it go now.my mom has a saying she says all the time to me and i think its very fitting...I have the right as a grandma to spoil my grandkids, later bedtimes or extra snacks but to spoil them with my time and love is the best way to spoil them rotten.
good luck hope it all works out.
A.

My advice is to limit the time spent w/ MIL. If she can't abide by your rules (YOU are the parent, not her) she will have less access to her grandchildren. I agree with you 100% that sugar should be very limited for children (and adults too). I'd be furious if someone gave my baby Hawaiian Punch! YUCK! All those dyes and sugar. Blech. If she offers something to your child that you don't want her to have, take it away and then go home!

I have had the same issues with my fiancee's mother. My fiance and his son lived with her for about 4 months when my step son was 2 1/2. At that time, my fiance was trying to get rid of the pacifier and trying to potty train him, but she wouldn't help and never listen to what my fiance wanted. We all moved in together and within 2 weeks we had the pacifier gone and had made great strides with the potty training. But when he went to her house, she didn't make him sit on the toliet and gave him whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it. She didn't listen to us and didn't do as we asked. Now we live 3 1/2 hours away and when she comes and visits she doesn't want to follow by our rules. So what I finally said was, "This is our house, you and him need to follow the rules that we have set in our house. No water at bedtime, no sweets if we have said no. At your house you can do whatever you want." The parent's group that I go to at my step son's school has told me this is the way to handle the situation. Tell her if she can't follow the rules at your house, she can't come over. Tell her that she needs to help you set a good example and that you need her help to control the tantrums that your child has. My step son still asks Grandma for a drink of water at bedtime when she is at our house, but she doesn't give it to him. The other suggestion is to ask her what she would do to help the situation. Don't tell her it is her fault, just say something like, "What do you think I can do to stop these tantrums? Do you have any suggestions?" My step-son's school said that by asking them, they feel like they are needed and they can contribute to their lives. Make sure to involve your husband in whatever you do, so that you show her you are united and that you both feel the same way. If she wants to be a part of your lives then she will do what needs to be done! Good luck!

I see many of us have this issue- nice to know you are not alone huh?

I have this issue with not only my mil but also my own mother!!

To keep my own stress level down, I remind myself that I am the mother and have control over who my children see and do not see and spend time with. When it gets out of control, I remind both my mil and mother that they did not raise their children like this and would be VERY upset if someone had done that same action (giving in, sweets, etc) to us when we were children. I also let them know that I love them and so do that kids. I understand that they want to be the "fun" grandparent but by letting my kids get away with sweets all the time is only making life difficult for everyone. Let them know you think an OCCASIONAL treat will not hurt, but often will.

Hang in there!! We all feel your pain...
R.

I have the same issue... although not to the same extent but I have tried a few things. It helps that my daughter is older and understands more, but if you have it where the grandma can only spoil at her own house and at your house she has to follow your rules. It helps your child realize that everywhere you go there are different rules you have to follow. And if she starts to act up just tell her that at mommy's house there are different rules and she must listen to mommy and daddy at home. That way you will atleast feel like you have power on your home turf. Then you can also limit going to grandma's only once or twice a week. Once she gets older it will be easier for her to differentiate. I hope that helps.

Hello !
I think you are going to have to stand your ground and explain to your mil that there are rules that you and hubby would like her to follow. We all know that grandparents like to spoil and are trying to buy their way into heaven. Best of luck. A. in Ashwaubenon.

first and foremost, you need to make your daughter aware of the fact that the behavior in a store is not acceptable. If she throws a tantrum, simply leave. Rules to keep your child healthy will never bite you in the butt. Your mother in law should get that your daughter is too young for sweets and hawaiian punch. Her little body doesn't need the sugar, my guess is she's active enough. My sister is going through this with her MIL. She doesn't listen to a word she is told. I think you need to tell her (in the nicest way possible)that if she continues her actions, you won't be bringing the kids to see her, she will have to come to your house...your house, your rules. She may be upset but you need to put the well being of your children before the feelings of your MIL. My mother did things like that with my daughter, until I started taking the things away from her and giving them back. Your daughter may get upset, but your MIL will get the hint. NO sweets NO unhealthy juice. There are healthy snacks she could give her, that are sweeter than sweets...grapes, apples, peaches...juicy juice...all better options that your child will love...even a fruit snack is better than a piece of candy...Put your foot down and don't waver. Your MIL will eventually know that when you are around, it's your rules. I would advise your husband to do the same thing so she doesn't feel like you are attacking her, that you are doing it for the wellbeing of the children.

I am so sorry, that is NOT COOL !
I am probely not a good one to ask for advice since my MIL and I don't get along, but she lives 4 hours away.....
I would put your foot down. You have tried to talk to her and tell her your feeling and asked her to stop and she is disrespecting you, i think its time you pulled the Mommy card and tell her that she is hurting your reliship with your daughter and not respecting your guidelines, and therefore intill she can unite with you and work togather she will not be having your daughter without supervision!
Your husben needs to work with you and agree on this as well! He should also be putting his foot down and telling his Mom to respect your guys parenting.
She is harming your daughter with her choices...
Stay Strong!

I have had some of the similar issues with my mother in law but since we laid the law down about some stuff that will NOT be happening she's been pretty good. I think it is totally unnecessary to give a child Hawaiian punch, and I can defintely see the problem getting them to drink water again. Stick to your guns, this is YOUR child. Is this how she raised her kids? STICK TO YOUR GUNS and do what's best for your children!!!

Does she live with you? If she does kick her out, if not, I would have your husband tell her she needs to follow the rules or she won't get to see the children. Give granny a time out!

YOU are their mother. YOU have the right to raise your children the way you see fit. I think it is going to bite you in th a** if you don't have rules. Kids need rules and guidelines. There are studies that show that kids are happier with rules. They know they are loved and cared for and expected to be good people.

Good luck!

I have had to deal with this as well. My mother in law would spoil my step son and daughter rotten. She would do it right in front of me too. I would tell them they cant have something, so they go ask grandma and she gives it to them. What i did was this. My step son knows that when he is with me, we have rules and we say them before we go somewhere, like the store or to a restaurant. we sit in the car and I say "what do we do at the store?" and he says be good and dont ask for everything." now he knows that he doesnt get dsomething everytime we go to the store. As for the mother in law, I told her that if she is going to continue to do those kinds of things, than the kids will not be coming out to her house. She is getting better, but still does it occasionally.

you need to sit your mother in law down and tell her those are your kids and she will have to agrree with what you say talk to your husband to see what you two can agree on like she ccant come see the kids for a bit or if it keeps omn not at all also try to work on your kid tell her if she disobeys you she will be in trouble another way if u say your kid cant have candy and your mother in law gives it to her any way take it back from your kid immediatlly u just might have to get real tough with this im not saying it will be easy buy if your wrong or right in raising your kids thats your call not someone elses.

I had the same proplem at first with mu mil. And I think mine got ever worse because she would tell me that every thing that I was doing was wrong and that I should not treat my child the way that I was. Finally I got so flustered with the whole thing that I left my daughter with my husdand and drove out tho her house. I took her out to lunch and told her how everything that she was doning was making me feel. I think the line that finally go through to her was that she hated when her in-laws did it to her. It took her about a month to talk to me again but when she did she apoligized and things have been much better ever scince. I have friends that have tried to do this too and most of them dont have my personality. They where so worried about saying the wrong thing that they ended up saying noting at all. You have to go in with the adittued that they are your kids and it is your job to see that they are raised the way that you want not the way that she wants.

Bllie
mother of a 2 year old monster named Mika and another girl on the way.

I can totally relate. My MIL was and somewhat still is that way. However when I was pregnant with our first she would make fat comments about me to my face when my husband was not there. It then continued on when my daughter was born. Note: ( My MIL adopted both her children.) When I started breast feeding she would tell me how I needed to do it and so on. Same with mhen it came time to warm up a bottle and baby food, she would tell me that " at her house she doesnt use the microwave or any heating method to warm things, and that she never did for her kids." She would switch formulas on me and bottles because she didnt like the ones I used. This was very hard on both my husband and I. He would confront her and she would denty that she said or did it. So I retracted from allowing the kids from going over there and then talked to her about it and still not much has changed. I highly recommend saying something to her if not dont allow her to have the kids, allow her to visit at your house. Hold tight to what Your rules are. Everytime it still happens to me I over step her back and I say no to my kids and tell them that is not allowed if mommy or daddy says no that is the answer. Good Luck I hope it all works A.

I think that it is better for the admonishment to come from your husband since she is his mum. Your husband needs to stand strong on this issue with his mum and you need to stand strong on this issue with your husband. Perhaps it would be best to restrict your mil's visits with your children unless she changes her ways. Taking away visitation would send a strong message, but she would need to know why it is being taken away. If you go up against your mil, you will be the villain. I doubt your mil will hold it against her son.

Wow, that is really tough! It sounds like you mil isn't giving YOU, your daughter, or husband any respect. Until your Mother-in-law can show respect for you and your family, your rules, etc. - tell her she is not allowed to spend time with your family.

Unfort. it's NOT about her, this is about you raising YOUR family and YOU have to do what's best. If SHE can't abide by the rules you've set and show respect to you, your husband & kids, then she can't see any of you.

It sounds like your mil is being selfish and trying to be controlling. Maybe there is some history as to why she's acting like this, but it's not okay for her to tell you what to do and not listen to you. You have to do what's best for your family and keep your kids best interest at heart. You sound like a wonderful Mom - keep up the good work!

My husband and I have had issues with his parents, mainly them drinking too much. The problem came to a head when my mil came to pick up our son (to babysit for just a couple hours) and she was half in the bag. My husband finally put his foot down and told them if they can't follow our rules, they can't watch him. It was a little tough at first because then they wouldn't come around at all for a while...AND tried telling my husbands distant family members that we won't let them see their only grandchild. But my husband did a great job at standing his ground and telling people why he "told them off" (if it was brought up to us). Everyone was understanding and even agreeable. Eventually my in-laws came around and they follow our rules. Once in a while I hear about an occasional ice cream without finishing dinner...but it's rare and I toss it up to a perk of being with Nana and Gumpa. But the constant "letting him do whatever he wants because we had a few and didn't want to hear him cry" has stopped.
Hope this helps...good luck.

Very difficult situation... that being said, your mil must learn to respect your rules even if she doesn't agree with them. My advice will probably come off as harsh, but trust me - we've dealt with VERY similar issues with my husband's stepmother, so I've been there. My advice is to talk with your husband - ask him to talk with his mother. Let her know that it is important that she be part of your daughter's life, but you have the rules you have because you think they are best. They may come back to bite you in the butt, but it's your butt. :) Parent the mil - if she cannot comply with your wishes, then communicate the consequences & stick to it... just like you would with your kids. If she can't follow your rules for your kids, then you will be forced to limit their time with her.

My step-mil allows our son to play aggressively & engages him in "shooting" other toys. That is a big-time no-no at our house. We've talked with her, we also talked with our son. He's 3 & understood as best he could that Mom & Dad's rules are THE rules no matter who you're with. It wasn't easy, but it saved us a lot of heartache.

Good luck...
J.
Mom to Chase (3)

there really is a lot of good advice in here- and i want to stress that your husband should be by your side through all of it, and all confrontations. That being said, I, like all others here, had the same problem. We didn't allow the grandparents to babysit our kids alone until they agreed to the big rules we really cared about. there are some, that as the kids got older, we got more lax about, but we were able to work out that we would allow them to spoil the kids more than we liked (they ARE the g-parents after all), so long as they always asked first (like when giving candy or juice or big toys or such stuff) and respected when we said not this time. that allowed them the "freedom" to spoil while retaining our own control of the kids. it has also helped out our relationship with them a ton, cuz we showed them respect for their choices and they started showing us more for ours. the kids also are learning that there may be different rules at different peoples houses, but mom and dad have the final say.

As hard as it may seem, minimize the contact she has w/ the children. Do it nicel;y, and she will eventually figure out that she is being cut off. Shew will chang, because she will miss the children