Need Advice on Establishing a Daily Routine and Ways to Deal with Wild Tantrums

Hi, D.! I'm so sorry to hear about your frustration. You're not alone! There are lots of us out here who have experienced lots of temper tamtrums from our kids.

First and foremost... be consistent with everything you do. Kids thrive on consistency and scheduling. Don't tell him you will do something, then not do it. They catch on real quick, even at a young age!

I would start using time-outs with him. I have two boys, and we used to have them stand in the corner for their punishment -- away from everything like the TV and any other people. Hands at their sides, no looking around, no crying. We would set the timer on the microwave, and when it beeped, they could leave the corner. Then explain to him why he's in the corner, and make him apologize for his actions and give you a hug and a kiss. I don't like putting them in their bed for punishment, because that should be a "safe" place for them. It should be a good place, not a place for punishment (in my opinion).

Do your best not to raise your voice. Believe me, I was a yeller, and all it did was reinforce to my boys that they could yell too. Count to ten and then approach him.

Take things away. If he likes a particular show, tell him that he will lose that show if he throws a fit. If he continues, take something else away. He may be end up with nothing in the end, but you can't let a two year old win the battle. You are the authority, not him.

Make a chart with stickers. Show him what activities you will do at certain times during the day. Give rewards for good behavior. Don't feed into his tantrums, because he knows he's getting a response from you.

Pick your battles. Don't get upset with every little thing that gets on your nerves (I know, it's easy to do). If it's something not so bad, let it slide.

Keep him busy as best you can. I know it's hard sometimes, but maybe he's just looking for some individual attention. Make some homemade play dough and flavor it with kool-aid to make it smell good. Get some sidewalk chalk, bubbles or a ball and play outside. Let him help you "cook". My daughter is 18 months, and she loves to do anything I do. Give him a squirt bottle of water and a paper towel and let him "clean" some things around the house. Let him finger paint with pudding -- that way if he eats it, it's no big deal. Tape a big sheet of paper on the table and let him color. Sing songs as you are doing things -- we count each step as we go up and down.

Lastly, take time for YOU! You're a great mom, and you deserve to go out and grab a cup of coffee, go to the store ALONE, or get out and walk. Take care of yourself, you deserve it! I can tell that you love your husband and your son, but you're just plain exhausted! Take time for you, not to mention, you and your husband! Have a date night. These little people can sap us for everything we're worth! We're all here to support you! Stay consistent with him! I wish you the best of luck!

hi D.,
first i want to say i'm sorry that you are alone and exoeriencing this. but rest assured temper tantrums are a normal stage of development. they are understand so much and yet can not verbally communicate all that they would like to say. i think the ice cream shop incident is probably just a coincide but regardless a routine would definitely help lessen his tantrums. also, i have to say before going any further i urge you NOT to hit your child. physical punishment is not the answer. as parents, we can and should do better than that for our children and model the behavior we would like them to emulate. i do believe in discipline but feel that positive reinforcement works much better. as well as keeping a positive attitude yourself and using humor to diffuse the situation and/or lighten the mood. for instance, when he wakes in the morning you could crawl into his room pretending you don't see him asking "where's my little guy" and play peek a boo with him in his crib this way he's starting the day off on a good note. or if you sense he's heading for a break down try being a tickle monster or make a bird or airplane and zoom through the air with him. these are just a few ideas. also, try symapathizing with him i "know your upset because... but mommy needs you to do this right now." and i also agree with many of the mom's about offering choices.
and sometimes they just need to be ignored while they blow off steam, but reassure him that you are available when he's done and give hugs and kisses. if you need to give him a time out try doing it somewhere other then where he sleeps.
it sounds like your little guy might be overtired which will greatly contribute to his meltdowns. could he also be bored, hungry...these three things are usually triggers.

well, off to tend to my little one but will leave you with a sample of our daily routine
6:15-7 wake up and then spend at least 5 minutes cuddling before anything else.
change diaper/sometimes get dressed
have breakfast
playtime
snack
playtime
11:30 lunch
read a book
play sleepytime music and
@12:00 take nap
@2:00 wake up
have snack
playtime
5:15 dinner
playtime
6:30 bath
read books
lights out/sing twinkle little star while holding our stars up high
then cuddles and asleep around 8

sorry this is all over the place. i have so much more i could add but no time.
oh and i highly recommend "the discipline book" by dr. sears. good luck!

Hi D.,
When I read your post, I felt your frustration. My daughter is almost three and was (sometimes still is) much like your son. Unfortunately they don't call it the "terrible twos" for nothing! We still have daily battles but it is finally getting better as she grows out of her "control" phase. The things that helped me the most was giving lots of choices...letting her choice between two shirts to wear, letting her choose to go to the park or ride her little car, does she want pb&j or ham sandwich for lunch..etc. As frustrating as it is for us it's just their way of exerting the little bit of control they have in life! I also am a firm and faithful believer in "supernanny" Jo Frost (not sure how accessible she is in Japan) I watch her shows and if you follow her steps and are consistent it works really well. All I have to do is warn my daughter now about her behavior and she usually stops.
Just hang in there, it sounds like you have a strong-headed little one but it will get better. I have a feeling that the icecream incident was just coincidence, most likely he didn't like it but it doesn't sound too traumatic for him. Just remember that this too is just a phase and someday you will look back at it and laugh!
Good luck!
M.
Ps- as far as a routine, our goes...breakfast, dressing, freeplay, snack, books and music/art, outside time, lunch, two hour nap, freeplay, snack, outside time, dinner, kids choice time...bath,books, and bed!

D.~
I have tears in my eyes for you and I truly know exactly what you are going through. The short of the long for me/us is that I am a 32 y/o SAHM of 2. Our son is 3 1/2 and our dauther is 18 months. You have gotten a ton of great advice and support. I don't have any new info really to add but my son is EXTREMELY strong-willed and it hit us when he was in his 2's and has continued. Here are a few points that have helped me.
- Lots of prayer!!! lots
- We now have better days but still even going potty or asking for milk can be a meltdown and total tantrum. So whatever rule you make for his behavior make sure you are consistant! And if that means he is in timeout (chair, steps, on rug - where ever that is) make sure you do it every time he acts out! You have to be stronger than him. I was a strong willed child and still can be stuborn and he challanges me - so be strong and consistant and they WILL get it but it takes time.
- You HAVE to get away. Even if it is taking a walk, watching TV/reading a book/taking a cat nap for a few minutes when your husband gets home - do it!! You need this time for yourself. This will give you more patience as well.
- Is an option coming back home for a period of time with your son to get some support from your family? If it is, coming home might be a great way to help you and your son.
- Routine is just consistancy. It isn't right or wrong but helps kids know what comes next. Maybe telling him first thing in the morning what you have planned might help. Then you can say "remember mommy said we were going to ...... - so in 10 minutes it will be time to ..... "
-The other thing we started doing to help reinforce positive behavior instead of constant neg. was a penny jar. Everytime he does something good - anything he would get pennies for it and different things get different amounts and once he gets so many he gets a reward. It has really made a big difference. We are focusing on the good things instead of yelling about the bad.
- I would recommend reading "The New Strong Willed Child" by James Dobson - it is an awesome book. Both my husband and I have read it twice.
- Lastly, have you told your husband you have had these feelings? I was there myself and my hubby was clueless because he was so focused on the "big picture" of taking care of us, he just wasn't seeing it. Talk to him, let him know AND offer up suggestions he can do to help. Taking your son to the store/park/somewhere for a time in the evenings for you to have some alone will really help.
I will keep you in my prayers and know you are not the only mom that is/has gone through this.
A.

Hello D.,
Take a deep breath...everything is going to be o.k. I hear that you are stressed out and believe me every mother of a 2-year old can agree that it is a trying time. If you were back in Indiana I would suggest going to a support group like M.O.P.S. You can search google and see if there is a group like that where you live. Generations ago, people raised their families in the midst of community. Grandmothers and Aunts and Mothers helped new Mommies learn how to parent and what to expect. When women get pregnant they take time to read about the baby's in-utero development but then sometimes after delivery they stop reading about the child's development and learning due to the stresses of life. Your child is going through his own power struggle and he is testing the waters. He needs you to be calm but in control. He needs you to have a plan. He is looking to you to be his role model as to how to handle life. When our children "see us coming un-glued" it makes them nervous and they act out even more. Remember, you are the leader. Your child doesn't determine in what order you do things, you do. Even though a 22 month old looks like he wants control over things, he really only wants you to give him choices. For example, "Would you like an apple or an orange for a snack?" "Would you like to wear the blue pants or the red pants today?" If your child throws a fit, then you calmly say to him "If you don't want to choose then Mommy will choose for you." I wish that you were not so isolated. I think you would feel better if you were surrounded by other Mothers in your same stage of life. May I suggest a book which might help? Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It will help you set a path for how you balance freedom and responsibility with your son. The more you learn about your child's social and emotional development the more you will feel empowered.

Hi D. - You have gotten some excellent advice from everyone else. I just know how hard it is to be in a foreign country and to feel isolated. So, as an Earlham alumni, I'm saying Hi from Richmond!

I only have one tip to add that you could try. Right now, it sounds like you are making his crib the "punishment place." I understand that it's probably a safe place if he doesn't climb out, but it might be hard for him to relax and sleep in the place he gets punished. Others have reccommneded time outs--just pick another spot in your house, and expect to take some time to train him to stay there.

Hang in there. And just know that even though you have those scary "leaving thoughts," you are not a bad mom, and it doesn't have anything to do with how much you love you son. And you may always have them once in a while. That's one of the conundrums of being a mom. The other is to love your child so much, but to have to be so "tough" and "mean" sometimes.

In two months (or less) things wil be back to "normal." For awhile. Then, you'll have a new bad period...don't worry! You're doing fine!

Welcome to the terroble twos. Its not unusally for kids to through a clingy period were they don't want anybody but either mom or dad. It should pass in a couple of months. You might want to get the book the happiest toddler on the block. He is as that frustrating age where he knows what he wants but cannot commuminicate them to you. Also you never mentioned you son talking. He should have a sizeable vocaublary by now. You might want to bring this up at your next ped visit. It may be time to test his hearing and language skills. I had similar problems with my second son and the book helped as well as teaching him some signs. Good luck.

I really feel for you in this situation. Toddlerhood is difficult enough without any social support. It may be normal tantrum stuff for a child just learning about free will and self control. But it could also be an early sign of a disorder such as Aspergers. You may want to have him evaluated.

I also agree that this woman violated your son's personal boundaries with what she did, but it doesn't sound like something traumatizing enough to have long time effects.

You really need to get in contact with other moms. Try looking online for a playgroup. Children often learn a lot about appropriate social behavior by being in a social setting with other children. Are there any moms day out programs in your area? It sounds like you need more time for yourself. Maybe even a gym with babysitting would help. Since you don't have a car, you could maybe make it a routine to take an hour to do something for yourself when your husband gets home.

It also might help to read a good parenting book for some ideas like "Respectful Kids Respectful Parents."

Your son is now 22 months old, and it sounds to me like he's tired. To me, he's really too young to start trying to wean him off naps. Understand that he's begun his terrible two's, and a lot of that has to do with not being able to communicate what he wants.

With both of our daughters, we have worked very hard to try to get them to calm down and explain to us what's going on: is she hungry? does she want a certain toy? can she point to what she wants? Typically we would end up with "Show me what you want?"

At this age, some kids are able to pick up signs (as in sign-language) for hungry, thirsty, water, etc. That might be something to look into. We only realized that when there was a kid in our daughters daycare class who was deaf, and the staff knew some signs (and had someone on staff who could sign) to be able to better communicate with him.

Not sure what to tell you about setting up a routine other than stuff you already know....make it consistant, and it's got to work for both of you. Our oldest would take a short nap in the morning and a longer nap in the afternoon, after we started having the next door neighbor watch her. At daycare, she wouldn't take naps, so when we got her home, she was super-tired and clingy. Once she was at the neighbor's, and able to relax and go at her own pace, she was MUCH better.

Hope you're able to work something out! Good luck!

hey girl - it must be tough living in another country with a little one & being a bit isolated with him all day. I have 2 very active, strong-willed boys of my own, and they are absolutely an adventure every day, and have been since they were born lol!

it sounds to me like you're in a constant power struggle with your little guy - he's getting to that age where he wants to have a little more control over things like getting dressed, eating, etc, but he doesn't quite have the coordination or communication skills yet that he needs, so his only method of communication is a full blow tantrum. Both of my boys had trouble with transitions - sleeping to waking, then getting dressed, etc etc etc - I found that the countdown does work - i start it at 5 minutes when they are that little, then let them know when there are 3 min, then 2, then 1, and i make them repeat it back to me - "how many minutes do you have left?", then they tell me, so i know they heard me. My youngest is a VERY SLOW transitioner, so i just try to plan that into our day (i have to admit it doesn't work all the time - sometimes we have to get going quickly lol) - after he wakes up, i let him decide when he is ready to get dressed, come downstairs, take his shower, etc. the other day it took 2 hours to get him out the door, but we were tantrum-less. i just check on him every 10 minutes or so and ask him if he is ready to get dressed, etc.
I do also use time-out - mine stand against the wall (1 min per year of life) - if they can't stand quietly, they are sent to their room for 10 minutes, until they are ready to do their time-out nicely. if they aren't ready for a nice time-out in 10 min, then they stay in their room another 10 min, etc until they are ready. sometimes this can take quite a while, but eventually they figure out that it is just no fun (we don't let them keep toys or books or anything fun in their rooms).

i find when i get really frustrated with them it helps me to take a time-out of my own - i just leave the situation, and either check my email, do some work (i work from home) or read a book for a few minutes, until i'm settled down a bit, then i re-enter the situation with a calmer aura.

i hope some of this helps - i'll definately keep you in my thoughts and prayers - HUGS!

~T.

http://MamaWorksFromHome.NET
http://FamilyBenefitsLive.com

I tend to agree with Julie and Stephanie - I don't think that this has anything to do with the ice cream store incident. I think that he's just found a way now to be more in control. I do think there are some kids who have a harder time with transitions, and there's no reason why you can't give him five min warnings, but I think much more than that tends to be a bit of overkill. It will be hard at first when you start to tell him no and start to stick with it, but it won't take long until he figures out what he can and can't get away with, and he'll be much happier for it. Kids thrive on consistency and boundaries. They need them to feel safe and secure. He's at the age where strangers will make him more leery, but I don't think that this one incident should have caused all this new behavior. Maybe there are some mom's groups that you could join for more support, or are there other mother's at the park you go to that you could start to talk to and/or invite over for playdates?

D.,
Wow, I can only imagine the frustration you are feeling, being in a foreign country, trying to deal with your little one on your own, essentially. I wonder if his behavior is a result of the combination of normal toddler transitions and the vibe you are giving off after the ice cream shop incident? My best advice would be for you to take a few moments and gather your thoughts. Decide for yourself how things are going to be and let go of the resentment and anxiety you are feeling after the ice cream shop. The Japanese are curious people and probably don't have the hang-ups that we do regarding our kids' security. If you get back to the job of being the one in charge, he may fall right back in line and turn this around. Also, I don't know what you use for discipline, but a little time standing on the wall (one minute for every year of age) has worked wonders for me. I hope this is of help to you, and please update us on your situation.

You have gotten seom really good advice on behavior, but one suggestion that I have is that you need to find some frineds who have kids your son's age. You need to be out with other people who are experiencing the same things that you are. Life always seems less scary and less exasperating when someone else is going through the same thing. I assume that you do not speak japaness fluently, so you are really isolated.

I am not sure where you could find such support in Japan, but look into libraries, classes, community centers, see if your husband knows of anyone. Friends could make all the difference in your day.

This is a hard time, and I can commisserate with you! I've been there myself, and it's not easy. There are no easy answers, and maybe the hardest part is that it's not over quickly. One thing I have noticed about my oldest, who has done similar things over the years, is that she is really intelligent and picks up on things going on with me and in the house, but she is immature enough not to know how to deal with the things that she might sense happening around her. If you are stressed out about being in Japan and away from family and friends or if it's hard having your husband gone all day, he might pick up on that, too. I don't know how long you've lived there, but I spent five years living in Ukraine, and I know that culture shock can hit us all in strange and unexpected ways. If you are feeling some of that, he might pick up on that and feel stressed out, too. Not to mention that he himself might be experiencing some culture shock of his own.

I am NOT saying that to blame it all on you because you probably feel enough guilt without me doing that! Moms always feel like it's their fault when their kids experience difficulty. But I say that because I didn't realize that my daughter was responding to my stress and the tantrums were in part due to her not knowing a productive way to deal with stress.

I fought to keep a consistent environment and routine. I struggle still with consistent discipline, but I know that it helps. I also have made a HUGE effort to reward positive behavior, even when it seems to be something that, to me, is just expected or so small that it doesn't necessarily need praise. When I see something good in her, I have to reward it immediately. She absolutely blossoms under that. I am always surprised when I see her respond so positively to praise.

It might also help to get Dad involved on his days off and ask for a few hours off once in a while! I know that my son has problems with self-control when his daddy works a lot and isn't around. Boys are like that when their male role model is busy!

Well, it's all just my opinion, but I hope it works out for you! Email me if you want to talk to someone who knows how it is to live in a different culture.

First of all, hang in there. What your feeling is totally normal, believe me I've had the taking off fantasy myself. Secondly, it sounds like you have a strong-willed child on your hands. The best advice I can give is patience, patience, and more patience! DO NOT let him see you lose your cool, he feeds off of that. I know it feels never-ending but with consistent discipline it WILL get better. Also, don't use his crib as a "time-out" kind of spot because he will associate it with that. Realize this is a battle of wills and, even though he may be particularly difficult, this is normal development. I wish you the best of luck and if you wanna talk you can e-mail me directly.

D.,
I feel your pain I have had those feeling and thoughts with my own daughter. Rough spells will pass but it sure is hard going though them. I think the age has a lot to do with it, wanting independence and more control. However have you tried going back to the ice cream shop? Hopefully having a more positive experience this time around and maybe that would help turn a bad memory into a positve one. If he throws a fit just leave. Good luck.

I think maybe the incident at the ice cream shop may definitely have something to do with the tantrums. It dosen't help that he is reaching the terrible two's either. I am sure it will get better and it is just a phase.
I would be sooo ANGRY if someone did that to me but I understand that your husband was just trying to be nice and polite.
It is definitely hard when you don't have a car or anything to go and do activities or drive somewhere to get out of the house! My mother and I had the same situation. We didn't have alot of money so she didn't have a car when I was little.
I don't really have any advice other than you must be firm when he acts like that even though it makes you feel terrible afterwards. Whenever my kids act up they go to their room for a time out! Sometimes they are better after that and sometimes not. But it gets them out of my face for a few minutes!! Good Luck!

Dear D.,
Have you ever heard of the "terrible two's"?
Your son is getting a little head start.
The "incident" may have started it because he noticed that you were upset.
Believe me, he has learned how to get a reaction from you.
Time to nip it in the bud.
Continue with your routine as best you can.
Give him a 5-minute warning before transition.
Then, lift him out of bed and put him down.
Another 5-minute warning to get dressed.
Go on about your business for the 5 minutes.
If he is fighting you, put minimal clothes on him.
In other words, take off his pjs and just put a tee shirt on him, just enough that his clothes are "changed".
Later, if he wants to go to the park, tell him that you cannot go since he is not dressed for it.
He is old enough for a 2-minute time out.
The thing is, you MUST do these things consistently until he understands that such disruptive and contrary behavior is NOT acceptable.
Find, or have someone send you the book by Supernanny Jo Frost, Raising Boys by Dr. James Dobson, or something by Dr. John Rosemond.
If you are out in public or in the hallway, you must physically remove him from the location if he is having a tantrum.
An audience makes it worse.
Stay in the room with him, but turn your back and sit on the floor and read or something.
I saw a funny video the other night when the little boy was on the floor kicking and crying, and the dad with the camera would go out of his sight.
The crying would stop, and the boy would walk into camera range and immediately start crying and throw himself on the floor.
This went on for at least 4 times and it was so funny, but at the same time, very telling...
Sorry you are by yourself so much of the time but I know you can do it.
Both of you will be the better for it.
I did not have time to finish this morning so I will add that a routine at his age would be whatever your routine is including playtime, outings, afternoon nap, mealtimes, storytime before nap and bedtime, bath time every day or every other day....whatever works for you.
Structure and consistency help children feel secure....for example, with my own 6 children, we always had story time after lunch and then nap/quiet time.....this went on until they were about 4-5 years old.
Parents have a responsibility to keep to such a schedule and not let other activities or appointments intrude except in an emergency or perhaps on a weekend or a trip.
It would not hurt you to lie down while he is napping in order to refresh yourself for the remaining hours of the day.
I used to do this and it helped me very much to cope.
Best wishes.

Hi,

First, you should take your son to the Dr. and have him checked out w/ a complete physical and blood panel. This may be caused by something physical. If it's not, stop giving in to him. Children @ that age will often throw tantrums and even hurt themselves to get attention from their parents. Just ignore it and don't reward bad behavior w/ your attention. Tell him that you are not going to give him what he wants until he acts better or does what you say. After you tell him that, ignore him. He'll stop when he hurts himself. It's hard to see your child hurt himself, but he won't do any real damage and he needs to know that you're the one in charge. Good luck!