Two Year Old Help!

You can't just ignore his behavior. You have to punish so he stops the bad behavior so he doesn't think he's getting away with it.. The naughty chair (time out) for 2 minutes (time starting after the tantrum stops) then hugs and kisses from you and/or dad, whoever he's misbehaving with. You must stay strong. Please watch Supernanny on Friday night. It's amazing what she does with these children that misbehave so dreadfully. Her results take my breath away.

1. If you don't want to give in to the "beastly behavior" then don't. It really is that simple. You want him to have manners? Expect it. When you give him something remind him with a "what do you say?" and actually wait for the thank you. Praise him for saying the thank you. When he demands something, he doesn't get it unless he asks nicely and uses the word please. My 27 month old son will start to say "have it" and I just look at him with that 'expecting' look and he'll switch midstream and say "cracker please". It'll take a LOT of practice but be patient and consistent.

2. If you know he's not going to stay in there for the downtime, you're already setting yourself up for failure and giving in to his behavior. You need a more positive approach - you're the mother and you get to set the rules; not him! The nap and downtime, as you know, are necessary for his health. This is not a request you're making of him; it is an expectation so enforce it. He gets out of bed, you put him back in bed...he gets out of bed, you put him back in bed, rinse and repeat. And, you do this with no emotion, no talking, no justification, nothing - you don't want to give his antics an audience. This only serves to feed his attention and press harder to get you to do what he wants you to do instead of him doing what he NEEDS to do, and that is get much-needed developmental rest or sleep during the day.

#3. He throws something, the toy/item is taken away. Put it on top of the refrigerator, mantle, whatever. Tell him if he can't use a toy or item properly, he doesn't get to play with it. This one won't take long; he'll throw a bunch of things and then learn that he made a choice that resulted in no toys to play with. His beloved items will be within sight but out of reach and off-limits.

Every child goes through a terrible twos stage. It's up to you to decide if you want to do the hard work to help him through this, or just accept the terrible twos as a self-fulfilling prophecy and let him run your household. Hint: one choice is harder than the other, but results in a happier child and family :)

When you get a chance, make sure that you are giving your older child some special alone one-on-one time. These behaviors seem to be a cry for your attention and perhaps jealousy of the younger sibling. On the weekend have dad watch the younger child while you take the older child out for a special lunch or outing just for the two of you.

I would recommend the book 1-2-3 Magic! It's a quick easy read, and it works. I checked it out of the library, but it's also on amazon.com. Good luck!

I was so happy to see this post today, because yesterday my 26mo old had me in tears. For the past week, he's been screaming and throwing tantrums, and yesterday morning, it was "no like mommy, where daddy?" for 10 minutes as I tried to get him dressed for daycare. I'm talking complete melt-downs for the last week. It seems to be getting a bit better though - whenever he hits, throws something, or starts getting out of control, I set him on the bottom stair and tell him to stay there until he calms down. Sometimes he's just hysterical and I ask if he needs help to calm down, and he'll usually say yes... so I sit next to him and we take deep breaths for a while (it's kind of funny to see his exagerated version of the deep-breathing.) After 3-5 deep breaths, he's usually calmed down a bit, and I remind him of why he's on the step. If he's not ready to apologize/behave, he has to stay there a bit longer. And depending on what the tantrum is about, I still try diversion... if it's "no like shirt," I take him up to pick out a different shirt. It doesn't always work, but sometimes.

As for the bed, our transition was pretty easy. For a few days, we put the toddler bed in the living room and he played on it. Then we moved it into his room (but left the crib up). For the first 2 weeks, he stayed in bed. We left a gate up to keep him safe in his room and not wandering the house, but one night he climbed right over and showed up in the living room while we were watching TV, so the gate became a moot point. Now he's pretty good about staying in bed, though he occasionally sneaks out and then we have to bring him back and stay for a few minutes.

Best of luck with the tantrums; I seriously hope that mine are almost over, or at least, less frequent.

There are some great books that you may find helpful: Smart Love by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper and Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Cohn and Positive Discipline by Jane Nielsen. They are based on a lot of clinical research and early childhood development work and show how punishment eg. time outs and rewards are generally ineffective and promote separation rather than closeness between child and parent. timeouts were originally devised as a way to train pidgeons "time out from positive reinforcement" was the term used. Also the Ames and Ilg series are dated but good descriptions of what to expect. It is pretty normal for a 2 yr old to be exerting control by not doing whatever he/she used to do. It is just a phase and will stop in a bit. I believe the advice is to continue modeling good behavior and trying to get him to say please and thank you but not to the point that he has a complete meltdown. As for the throwing, keep an eye on what is around and remove those items that you think are dangerous. Unfortunately at that age, he needs constant supervision. You can certainly tell him "no throwing" repeatedly but in all likelihood he will not stop until he outgrows it. Trying to limit the number of nos is also a good idea and using diversion rather than insistence. The tantrums are generally a sign of stress and so trying to work out the triggers and to lessen them can make the entire family happier. Two is such a great age with all the new talking and other new things but there are certainly moments that led to the phrase "terrible twos." Musikgarten also has a great parenting class called "Endzone" and I found it really helpful.

For the bed, my little one had climbed out by 18 months and so I converted her crib to a bed. It definitely changed the dynamics as she could then get out and it took some time to transition. I got a child safety lock for her door and so she would get up but then couldn't come downstairs and eventually learned that this meant she needed to go back to bed. I have friends whose children have never thought of climbing out - lucky them. Some people put the mattress on the floor. I decided against a toddler bed because it is only good for a bout a year and then you need to go to a regular twin bed. If my crib conversion hadn't worked, I would have gone straight to a twin. My little one is now just turned two and she has reverted to a vegetable eating, please and thankyou saying child but she still throws her food around with gusto. But there was some time in there where please and thankyou were resisted as were all vegetables except potatos. She still does some resisting early in the morning - I think she is like her mom - not a morning person. Good luck.

1) For manners, I do not respond, or I say "I can't hear you when you ask me that way." I always encourage manners and it also forces me to be more aware of my own manners. I am very proud of my kids when they use them and I compliment them often for doing so.
2) For downtime, I put up a gate in my son's room and tell him that he can come out when I get him. I let him "read" his books or play with some small cars on his bed. I think he actually enjoys the quiet time with no interruptions from little brother. Try to play up the positive aspects...this is your special time to read your books.
3) Whatever you do, do not give him what he wants when he throws a tantrum. That teaches him that is the way to get things done/get what he wants. You can try a reward system for good behavior, and when he throws things that are his toys, you can also take them away. I hated doing that with my son, but he had to know that throwing Matchbox cars across the room was not acceptable, and that someone could really get hurt. I gave them back after about a week (though they have been taken away several times since!). I would try positive reinforcement force first, but if needed, take those things away that he really treasures most. And though, it's hard, trying to stay neutral instead of exploding helps too. I know, that's practically impossible for some of us! LOL.

LOTS OF LUCK to you! Hang in there. We've all been through it!!

Denise

D.,

To answer your questions...

1) We expect manners all the time. It's a very tiring effort at times, but we expect a "please" for anything our sons want. No please = no item. With our 4 y/o, if he demands something, we say, "I'm sorry, I can't understand when you talk that way." Very quickly, his tone will change, "Mama, can I have my crayons, please?" We ask for a "thank you" and get it 99.9% of the time from our 4 y/o. Our 21M old is still learning, but if I tell him, "Say THANK YOU, MOM!" in a very excited voice, he will do the same.

2) Our son didn't get a toddler bed until he was 2 1/2. But, he would STILL be in the crib if climbing out was the issue - he never tried to climb out. Our 21M old may be a different story, but he's still in there now. What about a crib tent? If you are going to do the transistion, get ready for a long battle of putting him in bed and when he gets out, putting him back in. We had to do this for 40 minutes straight when our son first transitioned. But, we never gave up and after about a week, he was fine. Take turns with your husband if you must - actually, I think that's better because it shows a united front to your son and he'll learn that house rules are house rules, so to speak.

3) My 21M old is a thrower. He even tries to throw the dining room chairs. I, too, tried ignoring and he just doesn't stop. So, lately, we've been removing him from the area and putting him in his room. We tell him he can come out when he's done. We don't lock him in or punish him, he can come out whenever he wants...when he's done throwing. He's only 21M, but soon, we will be taking ANY toys that are thrown away and the toy will go in time-out. This absolutely worked wonders with our 4 y/o when he would throw a toy. I'm not sure if our 21M can grasp it yet, though. But at 26M, if you've already started "time out" for him, he can understand when the toy goes in time out, too.

Good luck!

Try a play group organized by a trained early learning professional. It will be helpful to get him socialized, when he has "good" examples of behavior from some of the children already enrolled, he may emulate them. Right now he is acting different ways to test your reactions and now is the time to stick to consistant behavior/reactions. There are books to share and read to him about manners and anger/frustration to re-enforce your values and acceptable behavior from him.

Hi D.,

Please do not ignore this behavior. Take time out of your day to spend time with him when the younger one is sleeping. I also took whatever was thrown and kept it. I never said in front of the child what I was going to do with it, but I would say, (very firmly) "you do not throw things because you can hurt yourself or someone else". When I finally wised up I would take it out of their hands before it was thrown. If they would ask for whatever I took back I would tell them if they continued to be good, they may have it back the next day. I am a true believer in "time outs" I would leave them in time out for as long as their age. (3 yrs= 3 min) Please don't get out of control yourself, taking deep breathes and thinking before you say anything really helps get them calm quicker. You may also want to ask him calmly what is really bothering him. Two year olds will sometimes surprise you in what they can convey. Sometimes they really don't know, so you need to stay mellow and try to work with him. I have 4 children and my second son had gone threw this worse then the others. We also found out a lot of his problem was he didn't feel well because he had outdoor and food allergies. He was miserable and truly did not know why. I brought this to our Dr.'s attention and we did tests. Once off the foods he was allergic to, he was a much different boy. Good Luck!!

First, let me say I've been there, I sympathize, it will pass!! My boys were spaced 20 months apart, so I too had a terrible two-ser and a little one. The little one will add fuel to the fire because of jealousy/sibling rivalry. Sorry for the long post, but here are some things that helped me:
1) When children were in that throwing phase, pack away anything that is breakable or can break something else/hurt a child. Yes, they'll find something to throw, but if there's something particularly harmful in reach (anything glass/crystal, paper weights, ceramics, etc.), it's one more factor you need to worry about. That includes certain toys too (my children had some small but heavy/sturdy metal trucks that have been hidden away since their throwing phase).
2) When child throws a toy,calmly put the item on "time-out" (I would do it for the rest of the day). Give child an alternate, acceptable activity (no throwing, but you can squeeze this ball or roll the ball or hit this pillow) I made the mistake of allowing them to throw a soft ball or a bean bag instead, and then, when they got a little bigger and stronger, that became a problem.
3) Jealousy -- find times when the 2 year old is behaving well and compliment the behavior. If you can swing it, make time to spend 1 on 1 with the 2 year old -- even just 10 minutes reading a book with child in your lap while 10 mth old sleeps. Or maybe reading to him in his bed before naptime/quiet time as part of that routine. At the end of the day, when he's lying in bed, whisper 2 or 3 things that he did well that day -- my formulation was something like "It made mama really happy today when you shared the red ball with Alex, when you hit the pillow when you were angry and when you smiled. I love you. Good night"
4) Temper tantrums -- the best thing is to make sure he can't hurt himself or anything and then ignore it. Stay calm. Say something like "I'd like to hear what you have to say when you can say it calmly and politely" or "I'm ready to listen when you're ready to talk calmly -- I'll give you a few minutes to cool down" and then take the little one and leave the room. You can use this kind of formulation when he's not using good manners too. This is especially effective when you've started using some of the positive attention.
5) Quiet time / nap time staying in the room -- I actually used one of those cheap wooden gates and put it across the room and told my child that he had to stay in his room until nap time was over. He could take a toy or book to his bed, but he had to be in bed. He was pretty good about accepting gates had to stay up, but if he didn't (climbed or knocked it over), I would calmly say "gate stays up. Thomas stays in bed" and put him back in his bed with little eye contact. Sometimes it took many repetitions, but after a while it wasn't fun anymore. Or I would close the door to his room and be in it with him blocking the door and let him have a tantrum. (But I'd have to make sure baby was napping or playing safely in his crib/play pen.) Something else that might entire is to start by lying down in bed with him and reading a story. If he gets up, then you calmly say, "I guess you don't want a story before quiet time, we'll try again tomorrow". I've used a timer in time out situations to keep my child in his time out spot so that might work for this too (no, the timer hasn't dinged yet, you still have quiet time). I also played quiet music at bedtime (relaxation CD or children's lullabies or calm classical music) so would play that during quiet time to cue that it's time for rest.

Some of these things may not work for you child, but hopefully there's something there that will! Good luck and stay strong, patient, and calm -- for me that's the hardest but I can tell you, it's really the most effective!

I have a friend, who when her son was 2 and throwing things and she just couldn't handle it anymore. She finally made a box of "thrown items" and everytime he threw something she took it away and put it in the box. After a week or so he started to notice he had no toys to play with, and eased up on the throwing, also when there was good behavior she let him pick one item back out of the box. Good luck I have a 4 year old who is still in her "terrible 2's" and a 20 month old heading in that direction!

I started manners at 12mos. That way first words encouraged were please, thank you, etc. I encourage manners veryday all day. If they don;t say it I remind them. They don;tget what they want without a please. Then of course our children decide they have their own mind and say whatever they want. Dont' give in. It is a phase and what is encourged and discouraged will stay with him. I have nothing ofr toddler bed- mine went pretty well from crib to bed. However, my younger also stopped napping at about 26 mos. It was rough and there are days now that He still could use that nap (he just turned 3). He won;t stay in his bed for a nap. On those days I will let him "rest" on the couch. Some days he sleeps others he doesn't. Tantrums are also normal - I chose not to give in. I let them know it was unacceptable and if it kept going I would pick them up and put them intheir room until they were able to calm down. As far as throwing- remove dangerous items if possible. If he does throw things a discipline should happen. I use timeouts. My first son took to timeouts great. The 2nd boy- it took about 21/2 hours to get him to sit for his first 2 minute timeout. IT was hard felt like forever- but once he knew I meant business he stayed. The next time I only had to put him back in timeout a couple of times. Now when he does get a timeout- he stays there. Good luck!

Don't give in to tantrums. If he demands things or is whining then tell him he can have what he wants when he asks nicely. When he is crying about something tell him to use his words because you can't understand what he wants. This phase will pass if you don't give in to the poor behavior. I would put away anything that is breakable or valuable. I would tell him that if he throws one of his toys that you will throw it away. Then when he does do it (which he will do to test you) I would throw away the toy (if you want you can put it in a special container & give it to charity). I would also switch him to a toddler bed for his safety. We switched my daughter to a toddler bed at that age. We called it the big girl bed. I know that many parents are against this, but a little swat on the butt when they are being little spawns of satan is not out of the question in our house. Sometimes just telling them that they will get a swat on the butt if they don't behave nicely will do the trick. We also found that count downs work well. We let them know that they have until the count of 10 to correct their behavior or get punished. Now all I have to do is just start counting. Just remember to stay strong & don't give in.

Your son sounds exactly like mine did! My son is almost 4 and is still a piece of work, but it is slowly getting better. Everyone keeps telling me that this is normal "boy behavior", but it can still be very frustrating at times. Hang in there:)

My son was also a "crib climber" so when he was around two, we purchased a "crib tent". I think we found it at "one step ahead". Anyway, it was a life saver. He stayed in the crib until he was almost 3 1/2 and now I really miss it! It made putting him to bed so much easier when I could zip him in. Plus, I couldn't trust him with access to a room alone until recently.

I hope this helps!