Need Help in Discplining an Almost 3 Year Old-please!!

Hi S.:
Your three year old,is feeling extremely insecure right now, I'd guess its a direct result of his new residence.Toddlers thrive on familiar places,and regular routines.When you made the move,everything around him changed.While I know there is nothing you can do about the move,there are some things you can do to help get him use to his new surroundings.Get involved with another mother,where he can make new friends,or allow him to go once or twice a week to a preschool,where he can mingle and play with others his age.Pick your battles wisely. During this stage in his life, he is wanting some independence. Allow him to discover for himself, rather than demanding he do things your way.This is what helps him learn. You could have let him use the straw,and he would have soon realized that he needed the spoon and asked you for it.Give him some choices,rather than sounding like you control his every move.This will teach him to be self efficient,which is ultimately what us mothers want. The tantrums,are from his frustration.Don't yell,or lose control,He needs you to at least act like you understand him. You can calm him down,and try teaching him short vocabulary so he can communicate better with you. When he's able to do this, the frustration for him is less,because hes comforted that you do understand him.I wish you and your darlin son the best.

In addition to the fabulous & spot-on responses here... I would suggest:

That BEFORE you go anywhere, or have to do anything (no matter what situation), that you give your son a head's-up and a warning...ie: In 10 minutes we have to leave, so be ready to get your things.... or, in 10 minutes we have to get in the car, please choose which shoes/jacket you want to wear. Or, In 10 minutes we need to put away, can you help Mommy?
*Teach him that you are all a "Team." And tell him he can be the "leader" sometimes... and "help" Mommy... kids like feeling like they are the "leader" sometimes, and it teaches them skills/socialization/empathy/kindness/sharing etc. It's all about "role playing" and pretend play...it has a valuable role in teaching kids about "responsibility" and how to express themselves.

Kids NEED warning and head's-up about what is coming up. It is called "transitioning" your child (from one thing to the next)... it helps them. NO child likes to be just told at the spur of the moment "okay pack up we're leaving now...hurry up..." or, "Get your shoes on now, and this jacket..."
Also, choose your battles... really. For instance, I see nothing wrong with him wanting a Straw for his ice-cream. To me, that's no big deal- what I would have done is (so that he can learn) is to give him the straw. AND I would also get a spoon and tons of napkins so that "I" would be prepared.... and then IF he then wanted a spoon, you'd be prepared. No problem. The thing is... a child especially at this age, likes to "choose" some things for themselves. NOTHING wrong with it. They in fact, need to do this... as a part of their development. It teaches them (1) 'problem solving' (2) self confidence (3) the ability to discern (4) respect from his Parents and for himself, and a myriad of other things.

As for putting on his shoes and jacket. If that were me... I would simply LET him grab the shoes and jacket he wanted. (I always give my kids at their age a choice between 2 items). BUT, if he still threw a tantrum about it... then I would (1) grab the shoes and jacket myself & stuff it in a tote bag. (2) then tell my son that we are leaving NOW, even without his shoes/jacket (3) then I would proceed to get into the car & put him into it as well, sans jacket and shoes (4) THEN... if he starts whining/screaming about it in the car... I would then CALMLY "teach" him that this is what happens when he fights about it. (BUT, you would already be prepared and have his shoes/jacket in the car with you, so no worries.

The thing is, 3 years old is a hard age, almost harder than 2 years old... so you need to bear that in mind. At this age, they are still "baby" but then the whole world expects them to act "Grown up" and they aren't. Thus, misconceptions occur, about them.

I suggest the book "Your 3 Year Old" which you can get from www.amazon.com Its a fast easy read and simply describes what a child is like at each age-set and how a Parent can understand THEM.

The poor little guy... he's experiencing SO SO many emotions right now, and at this age, little kids do NOT have "coping skills" nor the fortitude to "explain" themselves.... so we need to help understand them... that's all they need. He's crying out for someone to understand him. Heck, even Adults don't have "proper" coping-skills either sometimes, right? So, we have to align our "expectations" of a child, in light of their age and abilities. Not only per what WE expect.

Next, watching TV most of the day and only playing blocks and cars is not enough for a child at this age. Boys are very kinesthetic, and NEED physical movement and play. Can he go out...just you and he, go to the park, go run around, do painting, catch bugs in a bug bottle, paint an empty box, let him create things, have conversations (kids love talking and exploring with a parent who 'listens'), OR... can he go to Preschool 2-3 times a week? This might really help him, and to make new friends too.... your Son is biting and losing interest in doing those things because (1) he is not happy (2) he is frustrated (3) he is bored (4) he has no outlets to expend his energy (5) he has no "choice" in how his day goes and what he does. (6) He is not a "part" of anything yet...ie: he does not have his own life or activities or routines, besides watching tv. (7) He NEEDS a "routine" and to know what to expect. Kids need this. Have a kind of routine/schedule for him everyday....that way, he can look forward to something and be excited, and to KNOW that there will be fun/relief for him each day.

Here are some links for play groups in your area:
http://www.meetup.com/cities/us/ca/valencia/groups/family...
http://parents.meetup.com/1032/members/
http://eventful.com/valencia_ca/events/categories/family_...
http://parents.meetup.com/1032/
http://www.santaclaritaguide.com/MomsClubs.html

All the best,
Susan

Okay, so I agree with both posters...so far it seems like your little guy is lonely and confused. He misses his old house, his friends and he doesn't know what he did wrong to lose that security.

Kids do thrive on consistency. Any change to my son's routine, and I know that nap and bedtime are going to be a challenge. That's just how things are. But, I've always remained consitent no matter if he throws things at me or himself on the floor.

If my son threw a spoon at me, I'd explain that his behavior was not okay and that he could not have the ice cream now and we were going home...end of story. Throw the ice cream away, and leave. Let him kick and scream, but remain calm...DO NOT SHOW YOUR FRUSTRATION. When you get to the car explain to him that if he uses things like spoons to hurt people he is not going to get special treats. Usually, if my son is still freaking out in the car, I wait until he's calmed down and talk to him about it while he's crying, and tell him I can't help him in a very soft voice while he's acting like that. Explain everything like I did in the store over again, and tell him now we're going home.

My son very rarely has freak outs that warrant going home, but again its an issue of change and remaining consistent and calm.

You might want to get him involved in other activities outside the house. Maybe some art classes, gym style classes where he can get rid of some energy or something at local park. This will give him a chance to be around other kids, and get rid of some of that pent up energy and frustration.

Oh, and we do toy timeouts instead of kid timeouts. If my son throws a toy or uses it the 'wrong way' we put the toy or in the closet for five minutes. Set the egg timer and he knows when the bell dings, he can go and get it. For my son, regular timeouts just don't work. He could sit forever and just play with the rug/chair he's sitting one...so, losing an object he's interested in is much more effective for us.

Nothing cures anger for kids than being talked to. Make sure you talk to him about how he feels about moving. Ask him what he'd like to do, and make sure he feels like he's being heard. My son sees his dad for visitation, and there are days when he gets home and he tells Grandma, 'need to talk to mommy' and they call me at work and he tells me what's upsetting him. Toddlers need to feel like they can assert some independence and feel heard and proud of what they are doing.

Be patient, but be firm with him. You're still the boss but, you're also Mommy...so don't forget to be loving and patient.

I hope this helps a little bit! Good Luck.

You have to call him on it every time. I am so in the middle of this stage with my 3yr old twin boys. For us it is about a consistent consequence everytime they disobey, say no, throw a tantrum etc. If we are in a store or restaurant, we immediately remove them from the situation & discipline. This method means that...yes I have a child on timeout sometimes 5x a day and it is exhausting.....but I figure we have one shot to shape them and hopefully get them on the right path....or I believe the defiance and lack of respect may continue and can potentially destructive to their life long term.

Good luck

Hi S., I think your first mistake is, your son is mis behaving and you are offereing him cars and blocks, parents look at that as re directing, but all it really is doing is rewarding bad behavior with toys. I'm sure you know how to discipline your son, however that word to a lot of parents to day is not in their vocabulary, the behavior is ignored, or re directed with toys and activities, and although that may distract the child for a short time, what did it teach them about bad behvior, and what is good behavior? dscipline is used so a child does not repeat the bad behavior, the idea is when the child even thinks about mis behaving he remembers the discipline, and doesn't want to go there again. it was a rare thing if my husband had to discipline any of our 3 kids for the same thing more than once, he lovely made the disciplne cout, and to this day our kids are 25, 22 and almost 20 and today thanked their dad for their up bringing and discipline. J.