My Son's Friend May Have "Issues"

My best friend has a boy who is on the spectrum. She has worked so hard with him to get him to be a good friend and to learn how to share, be compassionate, and follow rules. He is now 11 and a GREAT little boy. But it took a lot of work on her part and a lot of patience on my and my kid's part.
I talked with my boys about how his behavior is harder for him to control, about how hard it is for him to sometimes be empathetic...and truth be told I didn't see her or her son for about a year when things were really bad.
But, I think it is important for this boy to be socialized with your son. And I think it's important for your son to socialize with him. Both kid's can learn something from each other.
It may be good for you to go with your son when he is playing at their house.
Compassion for people who are not like us is a brilliant thing to teach our kids.
L.

I think this is a wonderful opportunity to model compassion and tolerance. While the mom may not disclose everything about her child's health to you, the fact that he gets services in school is a good sign that she is aware of his behavior and needs. Perhaps she's trying to avoid "labeling" him for fear that people will react to him because of that.

I would guess that this boy and his mom need your friendship more than you know. If your son is not upset by this behavior, I would not restrict him from playing with the boy. I would also be careful to not try to "diagnose" him to your son. What I would do is let your son take the lead - if he asks questions about his friend's behavior or seems upset or shares his own thoughts, use that as a way to explain that while some people have a very easy time making friends with and interacting with other people, other people have a harder time doing that but we can still be friends with people even if it's not easy for them to be friendly back.

My guess is that over time, their age and grade differences will mean that the friendship will drift apart naturally, but as they get older, you son could end up being a connection for this boy. No doubt the other boy's social limitations will present challenges for him with other kids - how nice would it be for your son to be the kid who says "actually he's my neighbor and we sometimes hang out. He can be cool - leave him be"?

I'm not saying that you have to force a friendship, but clearly your level of awareness of the dynamics is beyond that of a four-year-old. If it doesn't bother him now, continue to be friend to the mom and let the boys play together.

Kids are more intuitive than you think. You think the child has Asperger's. Your son may not have a name for it, but he knows that something isn't quite right and he's tolerant and accepting of the other boy. Other children may not be. Kudos to your son!

Tolerance and acceptance - wonderful virtues. Sounds like your son practices these virtues; perhaps you should take a lesson from him.

After reading your SWH, I'd like to ask you to consider looking at the other side of this. From what you've written, your son is really only going over there to use this boy's toys and iPad. He's not really going over there because he likes this boy or wants to be his friend.

It's too early to teach him not to "use" other people. He is not at fault for using the boy. However, you can start teaching him about "differences" and being tolerant. This kid does have Asbergers. The mom knows it but cannot bring herself to talk about it. She is hovering and facilitating, which is wonderful and helps your son (not really hers - he is in his own world.)

It's definitely your call if you choose not to go there anymore, but I hope you will allow your son to continue. In the long run, it will teach him as much (or more) as it will the Aspie boy.

Dawn

Honestly I feel that whether this boy has Asperger's or not the fact is that this is a great teaching and learning environment for both boys. This is a great environment where adult facilitated play should be part of the play. It is quite possible that this child does not know societal rules and expectations and no he cannot be expected to learn them or use them 100% of the time.

I understand that you don't want your child to be yelled at but that is a part of life that happens from time to time between children. The fact that you son plays with this boy could very well be the best thing for both children. This can teach your son how to interact and behave while around children different from himself and it can also enable typical peer friendship for the other child if he indeed needs it. I would say that as long as the other boy is not physically violent with your son there's no reason why your son shouldn't be allowed to play with this boy.

Parallel play among young children is not a bad thing. Pretend play may not be an area this child enjoys or it could be a skill he is working on - having your son around to play with can completely help with this and your son does get a friend out of this.

Lots of kids have issues, whether they're small ones or huge ones. If your son is happy to go over and play with this boy's toys and the mom doesn't mind hosting, then I say stick with it. Even just having your son nearby may help the other boy develop more positive relationships with his peers. And it's a great teaching moment for your son about how different people interact. If he starts getting upset or hurt that the other boy doesn't want to actually play, or smashes the things he's playing with, then it may be time to move on.

And I don't see a reason why you couldn't approach the mom and ask for ways your son could better interact with her son.

It sounds like something spectrum. We didn't diagnose Andy until first grade though he has been under doctor's care since he was three. Before the diagnosis I used to say he has a few issues we are working through though it doesn't surprise me she would say nothing at all.

Although it is the oddest thing to watch most of Andy's friends are like him. I feel more like a referee than a host but what are you going to do.

If I were you I would tell the mom, it really upsets junior when he breaks what he is working on. Then she can focus on what is bugging you son. After all if he doesn't have a problem with the play style I don't see why you would have an issue for it.

Leave it up to your son. "Do you like playing with Bobby, even though he sometimes smashes things and yells at you?" If he says yes, then tell him, "Okay, well sometimes Bobby isn't a very good friend, so if he's not being nice and you want to come home ask his mommy to call me and I will pick you up."

You don't need to protect him from things, if he doesn't want to be protected from them. If your son still wants to play with him, he's obviously getting something out of it. I wouldn't worry about him picking up bad habits. If you see him picking up bad habits, then you can limit the exposure, but it's not likely your son's whole personality will change just from playing with this boy.

How does the boy play when he's over at your house? If you don't have electronics, does he play with regular toys and interact with your son??

I have a nephew who has been diagnosed with ADHD, but also displays some characteristics of Asperger's. He too, is obsessed with electronics and is only happy when he's connected. He is very territorial about his electronics as well. When he comes over to my house, he is quickly bored and antsy and starts bugging to go home after about an hour. I usually end up letting my kids have more screen time than I would in order to appease him or he'd drive his mother crazy with asking to go home.

Sounds like they are well supervised, your son enjoys the playdates ( even if it's just for the toys) so I don't see a reason to stop.
Against popular beliefs kids, especially as they get into preschool and k age don't just 'pick up' bad habits. My DD is just turning 5 and she has known for a while that someone else's bad behavior is no reason for her to behave the same.
I would think that playing with a child that is 'different', be that culturally, neurologically (as in Asperger's) or in any other way is beneficial for both children. The friend gets to practice his interactions and social skills (with facilitation of his mom as you said) and your child learns tolerance and compassion.
Sounds like a win-win to me.

Im a little confused as to why you're son wants to go there. If they dont play together and the other boy yells at him for touching his things, then no I wouldn't have him going there.
If the other mom doesn't address the situation either I definitely wouldn't let him there if you aren't w/ him. Regardless if he has apergers, some kind of adult interaction should be taking place.
I'd find a more suitable situation for your son. Going to someones home just to play w/ all their things seems a little silly.

Have you spoken to the Mom about it? Just open a conversation "Gee, other Mom, does you son really want my son to come over and play - it seems that they play near each other, rather than with each other and I just want to make sure we are not imposing on you"

Some kind of leading question/comment that will give her an opportunity to elaborate.

If the boy does has an "issue" (I hate that term) the other Mom may think you already know about it.

A huge ditto to everyone who said this is an opportunity for your son to develop empathy and compassion. Just like kids who grow up in bilingual households or environments develop their intellectual and linguistic muscles, kids who grow up siblings or friends who are neurologically different develop their compassion muscles.

Your son already sounds like a great little guy, like what my grandmother would've called a mensch. This friendship will make him even more so.