Asperger's Daughter - Need Advice Asap

She wants to tell you but doesn't know how. What is the message you want to send her? Think hard about this, because if she feels like you are going to react by changing her life so drastically, then be prepared to be left out of the loop when the inevitable teen crises happen, such as parties with booze, pregnancy scares, etc. If the problem is that she might be gay, realize she may not even really know what that is. Would you love her regardless of who she loved? This relationship has been going on for three years - to totally make her give up a friend over this is harsh. Asperger's kids (my son has it too) have a hard enough time making any friends. I think I would think long and hard about it, maybe see if PFLAG could help with what to say to her. Focus on the fact that you love her and want her to know she can come to you about anything. Find out what she knows, and correct anything that is not factual.

My son who is 13 has PDD so pretty darn close. This may sound lame but I would take the easy way out and forbid him to date, so that is my advice, forbid her to date until she is say 16. Treat her like any other child who is not allowed to have boyfriends until they are 16.

The thing is these kids are very black and white. Boys don't want to date me but a girl does therefore I must be gay. There are days I want to test the structural integrity of my drywall using my forehead, sometimes weeks. If you can't tell by that sentence I am a bit quirky myself. :)

The thing is I could explain this to Andy, we speak the same language and have a common history. There is no way for me to know the magic nugget that will make sense to your daughter. Facts in this case are not going to cut it.

Ground her, I see no other way out of it and letting it continue will just further confuse her about her sexuality.

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Looking at Diane B's response and I can only answer this as Andy's mom, it is not the fear of the child being gay, it is the fear, and it is a real fear, they don't understand enough about themselves and how they relate to others to make that decision on their own. Andy likes girls, he wants to marry one one day but if a guy came up to him and said I want to be your boyfriend, Andy would hear friend and say sure and then be in over his head. Does that make sense Diane?

My son has Aspergers, so I know your struggle. I know this is not going to be the popular answer, but Aspergers or not, they know if they like boys or girls. My son likes girls, he thinks they are pretty and blushes around them. Tell her she is not ready to date, girls or boys.

Would you be this frightened if she was friends with a boy? Kids at this age are trying out things to learn who they are. Because she's special friends with a girl does not mean that she's lesbian. It means she's trying out the concept. She may be lesbian but the guidelines for relationships are the same either way.

She also may be labeled a lesbian by classmates without her really understanding the significance of that label. She's different and subject to judgement. Kids can be cruel when they see someone different.

I have a 12 yo granddaughter. She has close relationships with her girl friends. They hug each other often, hang out together making close physical contact. Walk down the street with arms around each other. They are not sexual but I could understand that someone who wanted to hurt them or someone ignorant of relationships could call them lesbian. The physical and emotional closeness is a part of learning how to love and be close to someone. It's a developmental stage.

She needs your support in learning how to handle a close relationship. This girl may be a good person with which to learn. I would focus on helping her to have a good relationship. I would not focus on the lesbian issue other than to tell her that if she wants she can talk with you about what that means.

I suggest that you get her in counseling with a counselor who can help her with understanding herself and how she, with her limitations, can relate to people. Many people with Aspergers do have successful relationships including marriage.

Above all do not move her to another school. This is an issue that both of you will have to face. Going to a different school will not make the issue go away and it will make life much more difficult for your daughter. She has friends at this school. She knows the teacher and the school. It would be cruel to make her adjust to new surroundings. You know she has difficulty now. Multiply that by many times in a new school.

I suggest that you have some counseling too to learn how to deal with this with less fear. Educate yourself about Aspergers and people's abilities to get along in their world. Educate yourself about teens, sex, and love relationships. This is nothing to fear. It is a challenge that you can handle with love and compassion.

After your SWH. I strongly believe that you're seriously over reacting. This will not be the first time she is in this type of situation. You're only changing the local and adding much stress for her. I urge you to discuss this with the counselor. Also to get a second and a third opinion.

Removing her from one school will remove her from this one girl. However, their are many people like this in the world. She will gravitate to another one unless she develops coping skills.

I moved to the coast with my 13 yo daughter in part because she was making friends with kids who were involved in negative behavior, including drugs. She made the same sort of friends at her new school in a smaller community. Because it was a smaller community she had less choices in friends and activities.

You did most of the talking when you talked with her. You haven't learned much if anything about what she is feeling and thinking. She has to learn how to deal with all sorts of people and experiences now while she's young. If you make all the decisions for her now, when she's on her own as an adult she will flounder because she hasn't been allowed to learn as a child.

OK breathe. If it turns out that she really is attracted to girls/women, so what? No big deal, right? With that out of the way, I think you have to approach this from the standpoint of not being ready for "dating" or "relationships" at all, with boys or girls. That until she's older (pick an age if that makes it more black and white to her), she can't "go out" with anyone. Let the message be very clear that it's not about gender or sexuality, it's about being ready for a relationship in which she can be an equal partner and won't be taken advantage of.

I have a colleague whose adult daughter has Down Syndrome and she talked once about how one of the biggest challenges with developmentally delayed or disabled children is that their bodies grow and develop and have raging hormones just like those of neuro-typical adolescents. She had to make a decision to have her daughter on permanent birth control (I didn't ask for details on what that entails) because she was afraid of her getting into a relationship where she'd be in over her head or would be taken advantage of. Your daughter obviously doesn't face nearly the same developmental challenges as my colleague's child, but it underscores the fact that being unable to carry on typical peer relationships does not save her from hormones or spare you from having to deal with dating, sex, sexuality and relationships. So, use this opportunity to talk about relationships, values, boundaries, etc.

I wouldn't panic, first off. Is it about the possibility that she's really a lesbian or is it that she's showing interest in things like having crushes and "liking" someone and being liked back, etc? It really could be any number of things right now, but the curiosity and the timing of this sort of thing (being interested and having crushes) is typical. Typical! How awesome is that?

How often can we moms of children with ASD say that our children are developing typically in a social area? Not very! She's curious and she may not completely understand what "lesbian" means. Even if she does, it's very important that you don't over-react. That means NOT ripping her out of her school. You know that children/people with Autisms need stability and routine and slow transitions much more than neuro-typicals, so ripping her out of school over an issue like this (whether she likes a boy or girl) would be devastating to her. It would likely cause a shitstorm of regressions and you would have to establish relationships with an entirely new PPT team, all new teachers, and likely have to argue and advocate with them as to why she needs to keep all of her services in her current IEP. You would also have to justify her moving out of her current school into a new one.

I'm not sure what you meant by "being safe" from this sort of thing with Asperger's Disorder. You do know that people who have Autisms feel things intensely and are very sensitive. You know that being socially awkward and having trouble expressing emotion doesn't mean that they can't be social nor does it mean they don't have emotion. There are a great many autistics that are married and have families. There are a great many gay autistics as well. They're sexual beings just as neuro-typicals are.

Your biggest ally right now will be keeping open and calm communication with your daughter. Calm, quiet, and let her talk. As JB said, what is that is attractive to her? Is it friendship? Is it the idea of romance? Is it that girls aren't as rough and tough as boys at t his age? Is it simply that she prefers female companionship and boys are still icky to her? Talk. That's all, just talk. I wouldn't make this a huge deal right now. Let this be an ongoing, open discussion.

A lot of kids experiment with feelings and with "going out" at this age even though they don't really go anywhere. She may be gay, or she may not know, or she may feel an affinity for this girl which is not sexual.

You cannot protect her from her teenage hormonal feelings and I know that most of us are never ready for our kids to date or have sexual feelings/relationships.

Moving her to a new school will ostracize her further, and it won't solve a thing if she really is a lesbian. She'll just hate you and find another person. It will take her longer because she will have to start all over with new friendships, new teachers, etc.

What are you most afraid of? That she might be gay? Why? Would that be so terrible? That she might be doing something physical? Then how are you preparing her to value her body and respect herself/others?

You need to have an open and supportive relationship with her so she can come to you with her questions, fears, thoughts, and confusion, and know that she will be cared for, loved, and accepted. You need to learn how to approach her and how to react without panicking.

Are you doing anything for brain development? There's a lot that can be done nutritionally for kids on the spectrum, particularly the higher functioning kids with Aspergers.

wow geez, I know i'm not ready for my kids to be in a relationship or date or what ever let alone with the social issues your dd has.

Can you tell your dd, that there are "rules" for the relationship. like they can talk on the phone but not go to the mall together- sorry I can't think of a good example but she might need help Defining what this other girl wants and what you will allow her to do.

I think i would also be talking to the other girls mama and making sure she knows your dd could have a very hard time handliing this and tell them what your rules are.

hopefully it will blow over soon.
Hugs

Your daughter has trouble making friends and relating to her peers. Now she has developed a 'relationship' and you want to move her to another school? What do you think that is going to teach her? That approach will backfire! You will just drive her away from you. You will take away the one friendship that she has...

There has to be other options. Watch her behavior. Keep a close eye on her.

Ok, let's look at it calmly. If this were a boy you would look at this relationship with suspect and I would with a girl also. I have a friend with a son with aspergers who is 18 now. He is a bit awkward but a nice guy. If he had some one interested in him I would believe it. But at 13 he would not even have thought something like this unless it was routinely suggested. I think I would talk to a school counselor and a teacher or two and see if I could make heads or tails out of this. Then if I weren't satisfied I would talk to the girl's parents. Stalking happens even in situations like this.

Changing schools because she has a girl friend is a little drastic. Whats to say she won't start a relationship with someone else at the new school. At 13, most "relationships" don't last longer than a month. Honestly, I would just let it run its course. Especially since they don't see each other outside of school.