Tips on How Not to Care So Much What Other Thinks with Regard to Autistic Child

One of the biggest problems we humans have is over valuing what other people think. We all do it. We want to be well thought of. But reality bites. No matter who we are, how hard we work, how much we care for others, or how good we try to be, people will look down on us. This is just one of those things that most people don't understand because they have not been there. People are just HORRIBLE at putting themselves in another persons place. It's called, no imagination or just plain not caring.

I love this saying.. You wouldn't care nearly as much what other people think of you if you only knew how little they do.

You need to watch this.
It's awesome.
Very inspiring.

Best wishes.

http://video.insider.foxnews.com/v/1167741881001/autistic...

People, by nature, often have a hard time dealing with what is "different" from the norm.
And they do not have, first hand experience, in dealing with children or adults, who are 'different.'

When my daughter was in Kindergarten, she had an Autistic classmate. A boy. She befriended him and was really nice to him, and his Mom always has remembered her for that.
My son who is now in Kindergarten, has an Autistic classmate as well.
Both of these Autistic children, had Aids with them in class.
Their Teachers, ALSO, taught the class, about how to treat others etc. So the Teacher also 'educated' the other kids, about basic human decency.

In my daughter's martial arts class, there is a high functioning Asperger's student. He's a great kid. No one treats him differently. Although they know he is 'different.'

Lots of Autistic kids, have many other capabilities or talents.
The world is full of different types of people.
Some of the world's geniuses, are also 'different' and may have these tendencies, but are so high functioning, that 'eccentricities' are overlooked.

Per your family's reaction to your daughter... well, they just don't know how to deal with it. And some people by nature, just 'deny' acknowledgement of it, because, they do not know how to act appropriately, toward it.
Hence, they relegate themselves to perhaps "rude" reactions to her. In light of their own kids and 'comfort levels.'

You might just casually educate them on it.
Not in a soap-box manner (because they are family), but in a real mellow manner. So that they may perhaps, "acquire" more normalcy in how they react to your daughter. When she is in their midst.

If your family is pointedly rude to you/your child, you should not put up with it. But perhaps, speak up to them in a 'friendly way. Meaning, if you don't speak up, it will only garner more frustration for yourself/ your child. But, not everyone "knows" how to deal with an Autistic child.

My son was delayed in speech as a toddler. Even with that, people were rude to him, treating him like he was retarded. He was not and was in fact, advanced in many areas developmentally, per his age. And I spoke up to people. He is a kid, like anyone else.

I know its hard, but try not letting other's attitudes, get you down.
I know, easier said than done.

I haven't read the other responses, and don't know how to help you feel "ok" around people who treat you differently; but wanted you to know that all parents want their child to be seen as "normal" and all kids have times when they aren't.
I would LOVE not to be the mom who stands outside the school with an anxiety ridden crying first grader every day. My friend would love not to be the mom who has to explain her 6 year old son's PTSD to other people at the playground when he hits. My mom would love not to worry that my 27 year old brother hasn't spent all his money on clothes and forgot about rent (he is mentally retarded and can't plan ahead).
BUT we all love our children with our whole hearts just like you do, and our children have all found a way to manage with the talents God has given them and people who are truly in their lives to help with their shortcomings. I leave my son in the arms of the school counselor, my friend's son has found a playmate in my gentle daughter who doesn't aggravate him, and my mom signed my brother up for a program that makes sure his bills are paid whether he remembers or not.
You will find people who treat your daughter like "the autistic kid," and you will find people who treat her like a kid. Surround yourself with those who help you through each day, and see family only when it is necessary. You'll find your niche inlife, and so will your daughter. Good luck to you and yours.

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Maybe they need to be educated. Being Autistic means different things, because each child is different. ''Would you be willing to write a family wide letter, explaining exactly what the doctors have said about expectations? How about how to handle certain situations with your child.. etc.. Explain is it not contagious for goodness sakes and your daughter is still the child they have always loved, just that her brain is wired differently.

We have a nephew who is high functioning. He is a junior in high school, is extremely bright. I feel like his parents re too controlling in certain ways, but because they refuse to share any information, we all feel uncomfortable asking questions or making suggestions.. Instead it is the elephant in the room.

He is an extremely good guitar player. He does not sing, but he composes and plays in a small band. I asked my husband to find out what we could give him for Christmas and his sister said, "absolutely nothing to do with music. We do not want to encourage this." Why???? We do not know.. Maybe there is a good reason, but they act like he is something to be ashamed of.

He seems like a good kid, but his father (BIL) is not willing to let him take one step out of line.. We do not know if this is part of his therapy or if this is something our BIL just does. Again, none of us are to ask about it.

The more open and honest you are. The more educated they will be.

It is good to know what is going on. I am sure it is a relief to be able to now have a plan for your daughter. The therapies they offer are amazing.

Our nephew is planning on going to college. He can do laundry and cook. He drives to school. The way his parents have always acted, we thought he was going to have to live at home for the rest of his life.

You do have a lot on your plate, but know that God blessed you with a special child, He did the same with a cousin of mine, and her blessing is 20 and doing great! The family accepted him as he is and feels honored to have him in our lives.

Have you and your husband considered having a "family meeting" to 1) explain exactly what your daughter's diagnosis is, 2) the prognosis, 3) the ways you're helping her with it, 4) that you don't want pity for her and she doesn't need it, 5) that she's not contagious, 6) there's no reason to lock doors to prevent her from doing things (unless they're doing it solely because it's their house and they don't want ANYONE in those rooms), etc.? Seriously, lots of time people react out of their ignorance.

If their behavior continues to bother you or you feel it's detrimental to your daughter cut back on the visits where everyone's around and surround yourself and your daughter with those that have her best interests at heart. Actually, I feel sorry for people like the ones you've described. How sad that they would ostracize a child...and how would they feel if it was their child?

As far as caring what they say or think; she's your daughter, you have the responsibility of doing what's best for her, and any time you spend dwelling on them is time away from what really matters ; ) Get involved with an Autism support group for parents, they've been and are in your shoes.

God bless and {{HUGS}}

You need support from other moms with autistic kids. If you change your title, you may get some really helpful advice from parents who have dealt with this.

I know how you feel to a certain degree, my son is bipolar and I have had other parents at his school tell me he shouldnt be allowed in school with "normal" kids. Really!? My sons not a freak! He's just a sweet little boy who sometimes acts differently. Then there's my family who insists that he's just a boy and there's nothing wrong, but my cousin has stopped bringing her daughter to visit when she's in town because as she told my mother she's "afraid my son will hurt her child" its hard when the outside world has preconceptions about what certain conditions look like. My son is my life, and all I can do is treat him like he's just like everyone else, and try not to let it bother me when people jugde him because then it will affect my decisions and I need to put him before anyone else. Hang in there! You sound like your already being all your daughter needs

To be honest, these sound like really shifty people! You NEED to realize that what they feel does NOT matter! It really doesn't! There is no one who can decide not to be bothered but you. For REAL they LOCK ROOMS, because your one of your daughter's SYMPTOMS is taking toys out of rooms and misplacing them? WTH??! What kind of hosts are those? I would NEVER treat someone like that! We have several Autistic kids in our extended family, and no one treats them strangely, they are very well loved by all! You need to keep clear of these people.

My kids are normal, and they daily rearrange my entire house. How many times have I wondered where the heck is the ____ only to find it on a different floor. When guests come over, they trash our house! I don't "lock rooms" and act like it's a big deal. And if your daughter is so high functioning, what's with the sad faces and "she'll never be independent" comments? Huh? Are they really that ignorant?

You also need to be sure they really ARE acting this poorly, an that you're not imagining it or feeding into it in any way in your own shock and grief. If they are, again, keep visits to a minimum.

If you see them acting overly pitying, remind them there is nothing THAT wrong with her (in proportion to their reactions). I've seen people of severely handicapped people say that. But no matter WHAT, your life is your own, and you need to not care what others think.

It is God's honest truth that not everyone will love our children as much as we do. I can tell you to be like a duck and let all that be water and let it roll off your back but such things are easier said than done.

The hurts will come. We never personally got the pity or maybe I just failed to notice. We did get the judgmental comments and the rejection by her peers. A friendly "Hi" responded by a look of disgust or even a sneer. MY dd is 5 and the other NT kids are not much older and yes it breaks my heart but then, I realize it does not bother my child and so I have to let it go.

It has been said that people need to be educated. I just don't know when it started to be "ok" for people to be unkind. Should that not be the route we all first must take. (haha I guess if that is the case then we would all be saints). Must people know that my child is autistic before they become tolerant...no, accepting of her? Must you as an adult look at me in disgust as you hurry away covering your ears because my child had a 5 sec scream fest? Is compassion really that foreign nowadays?

Another truth... It is beyond our control how people perceive us or our situation. Same can be told in regards to how they would react to them. Worrying about it is a waste of time. Feel the pain and then let it go. There really is no other way.

What helps for me... I made friends with people who have been gifted with a child like mine and developed a very close friendship with one of them. There is great comfort in sharing not just the trials but also the joys and in also knowing that you are not alone.

My dd is truly a gift and I would not trade her for anything. She taught me to love regardless and in spite of. She taught me patience and tolerance. She taught me to appreciate the little things we all take for granted. I celebrate her triumphs and can only describe the feeling as Christmas Mornings when I was a little kid. When she started uttering full sentences at 4...Christmas Morning kinda joy. When she finally hugged me back... Christmas Morning... When she finally got a green light...When she learned The Lord's Prayer...When she learned her sight words...When she wrote her name.....Ahhh the joys are plenty.

It sounds like they are just trying to be nice. Which is different from people looking you askance because your low-functioning autistic child is acting up. I was just having this very conversation yesterday with my friend who has a low-functioning autistic child.

I don't have any tips, except, as you say, just don't give an eff. You can't entirely blame people for not understanding what they have not experienced, and in your case these people are being "overly nice," not rude or mean. That's certainly better than the opposite.

She is high-functioning -- that is a blessing. And if your daughter talks and functions well in school, it's not true that she won't be independent. If you saw my friend's son you would feel lucky in comparison.

Hi. Your daughter is so lucky to have you as a momma!
My friend who is a momma of a precious boy with autism shared with me the enclosed article. It is beautiful. It was in the Los AngelesTimes

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-fiel...

I hope it gives you strength.

I also know that she is a big fan of the group 'Autism Speaks..."

Hope this helps.
Jilly

They just need to be educated. And exposed to you and how you handle your daughter.

Have your family members over a few at a time and make your daughter the center of attention. I don't mean fawning over her like she invented sliced bread, but rather, if she does something "not normal" then you have the freedom to explain her actions/behavior right then and there...on your own turf/territory. For example, say she starts walking through the room reapeating something over and over...you can address it immediately by saying "this is one of the typical behaviors of an autistic child. this is how we handle it when she does that." That way, the next time you are over at a relative's house, some of them will be a little more understanding. Hopefully.

Hi. I don't know how not to care. It is hard having a child who is different and people are not understanding and tolerant many times.

What helped us with a child who is really shy and sensitive is to get together with moms and kids who can accept her differences without judging. She really smiles and opens up to those few who take the time to know her on her terms. Maybe this will help you and your child.

They sound mean spirited and ignorant, and it should not be up to your already overloaded shoulders to educate them. Since the diagnosis is so recent, you have to give yourself time to go through the grieving stages and then educate yourself about your own child's unique situation before you can help others understand her. My daughter has dyslexia and even that diagnosis caused some real grief and even some weeks of slight depression before we learned what it meant and what we needed to do for her and how to go about getting it for her. Give yourself time, consider yourself hugged, and be the great mom that you are being by reaching out to get the help you need. Just make sure that you take care of yourself as well, she will be all the better for having a happy, well rested mom.

My first thought is, is it possible to go less often at the people's homes that feel sorry for you and make you uncomfortable? My second thought is, if not or when you do go to those people's homes, perhaps you can bring a game or a dish to make or do *something* which would require you to be busy - maybe busy enough to keep your mind off of the pitying glances, comments, etc. You could also shorten your visits or have the mindset that you know what you'll be dealing with there, so take it with a grain of salt - I've had to do this with my mother-in-law and it has helped. Good luck!

I think you cope by accepting your own grief and anger which is entirely normal. Sometimes what we do is transfer those feelings on to other people and situations. Yes, even family can be somewhat cavalier, unhelpful, or on the flip side overly dramatic. That's human nature. Crisis situations sometimes underline it for us though.

ASD is very tough, not just for the child but for the entire family. It's isolating. If I were you I would seek out support from other families going through similar issues.

This is one reason I get so angry when people claim that the rise in ASD is just "better diagnosis." No, not quite. You are not alone. The numbers have been rising and our society is going to have to develop better strategies to cope with it.

I know some of my reactions to people's comments are more my issues than theirs. So many people react badly that those that do not you see it in their reaction ya know?

There are times I want to wrap my arms around Andy and protect him from the world. I just realize that I am also protecting him from success, happiness.

Andy is 12 now, most of us are so used to Andy that his behavior seems normal. Thing is I can see when the behavior of others is different, Andy cannot. What he can see is my behavior is different so as long as I don't react he won't know. There are times I point it out if him knowing helps his long term survival otherwise I let it roll off.

So far as the long term goes he will live on his own, he will hold a job. Think Big Bang Theory, that will be Andy as an adult, he will be fine.