My 5 Year Old Step-son

I also am a step Mom of a boy who has behavior issues due to his mom's lack of attention. One thing we did, kind of by accident, was get a dog that instantly became Connor's pet and best friend. She is a lab and very very good with him. They seem to understand one another. He loves on her and she loves him back unconditionally. She gave him something to be responsible for and that is something that kids who don’t get enough attention from their parent cling to, a responsibility that someone is not forcing them to take on but something that they can and want to do on their own. Another great thing was that she also became something that sincerely hurt his feelings when we took her away from him i.e. he didn't get to feed her or he didn't get to take her on a walk he had to stay home while dad took her. I have even gone as far as to take her bed out of his room and put it in mine when he was grounded. My last piece of advice is that I have found after raising two boys and two girls… boys need to feel the consequence of their bad choices and wrong actions IMMEDIATELY. Girls can talk about things, think things through and make good choices based on their emotions and feelings. They don’t want to disappoint their Mom for example so they choose to do it right. I have figured out that with boys, One Strike You’re Out, is the absolute best method of correction. They get it and understand it much better. I use to count to 3 with the girls and they always did what ever before three, the boys NEVER did it on one or two. They obeyed on 3 or more. It just doesn’t work with boys. So I don’t wait on my sons. I ask them to do something and if they choose not to then they immediately feel the consequences of their actions with out much or any conversation in between the disobedience and the punishment. I give them lots of love after but I just try to react immediately and it has made a HUGE difference in my boys.

Good luck

Step parenting is a gift from God and remember to always pray for strength and guidance!

I took custody of a boy that was about 12 with some mental issues and a mom who rarely paid any attention to him so I know just what you are going through. Negative attention was all he seemed to know how to get so he did everything possible to get it. A few years earlier, he cut my daughters finger off in a door and he didn't close it on her finger once, he did it twice and lopped it right off and he didn't even feel bad about it because he got attention from it. Taking him into my home was hard, especially knowing what he was capable of but I knew the situation so I was very firm with him and I will admit there were days I wanted to be highly medicated but I knew it was his upbringing that made him a HUGE brat. The very first night in my home he threw a temper tantrum worthy of a two year old and slammed the door. I admit I lost my cool and he got chewed out and against a wall for that. I am very unorthodox in my discipline but oddly it works. Like once, he was being very mouthy to me in my car and it was a snow storm out and he wouldn't stop so I pulled over and told him to get out. You and I know I wouldn't have really made him do it, but he didn't know that. I told him he can respect me and my rules or get out of my car and he sat quietly the whole ride home. He did question me whether or not I really would have and I said in a heart beat. He learned in just two weeks that my rules stuck, because his mothers never did. No matter what the situation I stood behind the rules I made and I enforced them. I never went soft with him because I knew that would ruin any progress I made. More than anything he never got a rise out of me, which was what he wanted more than anything. Once he realized that he couldn’t really frustrate me he started to see what it was like to have a normal childhood. I also hooked him up with Big Brothers Big sisters, got him into therapy at school and out of it and gave him a whole network of support. THAT was the best thing I could have ever done for him. He tried everyone's nerves and patience but we all worked together and after just a month and a half everyone told me what a huge difference it made. He was laughing (which I never saw him do) he played respectfully with others and yes sometimes I had to remind him with a time out in his room or taking some favorite toy away for a day, that he had to respect others, but that is what kids do. He HATED if I took a toy away that his mom gave him. It hurt me to do it, but it was the one thing he really didn't want to lose so he worked harder not to screw up. He had a ton of issues because of his mom and I regretfully had to give him back to her and I am certain all my hard work went down the drain, but you have the opportunity to keep on going. I totally recommend therapy and Big Brother Big Sister program. They are so terrific and it gives you a little break to relax and not constantly be trying to carry the weight of his past on your own. Think outside the box, these kids are starving for structure and rules and even though they will fight you tooth and nail at first, they will quickly fall into a nice lull when you are consistent and do things the same time over and over until he realizes it's a secure place and life is good. I hope this helps.

When you have set limits and consequences be sure to follow through and don't expect miracles. Most children will get worse before they get better. That does not mean your limits and consequences are wrong or need to be tweeked. Be patient with the child (and yourself!). Hang in there! Most children have to learn where the limits are and will push to see if you are strong and mean what you say.

Have you talked to the school councelor? Schools now a days have great programs for kids who act out or have any other issue. Our oldest daughter had some problems at school and started seeing the councelor at school (free), during school and is doing so much better. She now is in a club with other kids that had the same challenge and they talk. My husband and I have seen a huge change at home as well as her teachers at school. Good Luck and God Bless.

M., first advice I would give is to create boundries and make them well known. This will actually make him feel more secure in his suroundings. I am not saying punish him more. Just let him know where the boundries are when he tries to cross them. Stand up tall, and firmly tell him "dont do that please", "dont treat me that way", "do you see your dad and me throwing toys?" then immediatly give him something to do. Boys NEED responsibilities. They thrive on them. Ask him to help you with chores around the house. It makes him feel needed and important. When he throws a fit, have no reaction to it. Let him know that you understand it stinks to have to do something you dont want to do, but he has to help (or whatever the case may be) because he is part of the family, and family helps each other. When he does help, praise, praise, praise. Understand that he is, by nature, rambunctious. A dear friend once gave me advice on raising my two boys. You have to think of them like puppies. They are playfull, tenatious, mischievious, very sensitive, and want more than anything to please you. When she told me to raise them like a was training a puppy, it made all the difference in the world. It was amazing how right she was. She has since passed away, and my rambunctious puppies are now 9, and 11. I must say though, even at 9, and 11 they still respond the same way a puppy does (so does my hubby, but shhh dont tell, must be a boy thing *wink*)

Stay strong, and take care. Hope this advice helps you as much as it helped me.

~J.

It sounds like you really care for him, so I think that he probably feels like you do and that will change everything with a little more time. My suggestions are to keep a routine. Discipline is teaching what is expected. Praise and punishment are consquences of following through with the discipline. Always tell him he is a good boy. He just sometimes has behavior that you don't like. Talk and listen. Lots of lap time and hugs. I think you could consider family counseling.
There are a lot of good books out there. Dr. Sears has a discipline book. As well as, the Five Love Languages of Kids is a great help.

I wish your family the best! You are great to reach out to get support and to him!

This little boy needs more attention then your other kids right now and that is one reason he is diobeying because he gets the attention when he does. His little minds say yes to the attention he gets when he is bad. Also never tell a kid you are a bad boy or girl , just tell them your action was bad , this will allow to kid to have a good self confidace about their self. This little boy aready has a poor one because he does not understand it was his mother would did wrong by not give him the attention he should have had. You need to build up his self cofidace. Try and it sound like you do catch him doing wrong these and praise him for the good thing he does. I hope this help some.

I got my two step kids young - one was 1 almost 2 and one was only 10 months old, but the first 8 months their bio-mom didn't want to have anything to do with them. They took her leaving really hard but it was worse when she finally decided she wanted to see them. Then we had our behavioral problems. He's a little older, but all I can tell you is to stick with it. What he probably needs most of all is consistancy. Starting a new school is very stressful for any child. What you're doing sounds fantastic to me. So just keep at it. Eventually he will straighten out so long as you and your husband continue to love him. Same rules all the time - same consequences so long as they are age-appropriate. He may be a little behind other kids his age socially, but 5 is still young and he'll get the hang of it eventually.

Kevin Leman's book, Living In a Step-Family Withot Getting Stepped On, helped me adjust to step children. I learned very quickly to admit when I was wrong- Don't treat all the kids the same, they need different things. Kids all eventually learn that life is not fair- I figured out when I simply tried to meet individual needs that we became a family working to do that together. My step children came from a radically different parenting approach as well. We had lots of hiccups along the way. They are grown now, but we are still very close. Good luck-you are in my prayers.

OMG i am in the same boat except my step son is the only child. His mom left him with us when he was 3 and then has been in and out when its convenient for her. She had him at her house one weekend and he fiancé beat him with a belt not a spanking a beating. She has had custody of him the whole time we have kept him for 2 years. just last year after the beating we took her to court and had him removed. He has been staying with us with little to no visitation from his mom. She had a new baby with her now husband and has chosen January 2008 to not see my son anymore. she has abandoned him. that’s a long story short, but he only acts out at school. at home and baseball and football and karate all his activities he is the best kid. he comes up to me every five minutes at home or when were out to give me a hug and tell me he loves me to make sure im still there. his mom didn’t pay much attention to him either. But when he is act school he is a monster. we have tried everything. the teachers say he shows no remorse and he doesn’t seem sorry for what he does. i don’t get it sweet kid at home monster at school.

I saw you were sort of the same any help

We adopted a little boy when he was five and saw the same thing - great at school (ours was)terror at home. What we realized is that school was the most stable part of his life for that whole year. He had the same teacher, expectations, classmates, ... We realized that we needed to be patient until he had been with us and seen our consistency and expectations over time. He had to learn to trust us. We had to be firm and steady, not changing the rules each week, but setting him up to relax in the routine. It sounds like this little fellow had a lot of bad experiences, some of which you may never know. Prayer with and for him will help keep you all focused on the main thing - loving him till he gets it. He may struggle on and off throughout his growing up years with feelings of abandonment. He needs most to know you will always, always be there for him. Hope this helps.

It sounds like he learned from his mom that the only way he was going to get attention at home was if he misbehaved. This child needs love and positive attention. Try catching him doing something good. Like when he shares his toys, tell him IMMEDIATELY how proud you are of him. Give him a simple task like setting the table and then praise him for doing such a good job.

You will also need to be VERY CONSISTENT in what is allowed and what isn't allowed in your home. He may buck the system a little since he came from a place that had no rules but if taking toys is not allowed, it is ALWAYS not allowed. He is going to test all of your boundaries to make sure they are really there and not just there when you have energy to deal with it. It is tiring but if you stay consistent, it won't be long and he'll be cooperative in your home like he is at school.

I can't speak a lot from personal experience but I know my cousin had some of the behavioral problems w/ his son when he gained full custody of him too. They just picked one or two methods of discipline and had to really stick w/ it after several months it finally started to get easier for them. I'm sure he Loves the cuddling you give him since he never had it before but he was also just 'dumped' by his mother so he will understandably 'test' that love and those boundaries just to see if you will stick around. Keep your chin up and just keep on Loving him and being consistent. Good Luck!!

Hi M.,
You could try out the 1-2-3 Magic System. It is written by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. I have four children and one of my sons has been diagnosed with ADHD but this system has worked for all of my children. It takes a few weeks to get it implemented into your daily routine, yet is far worth the benefits once the kids understand your terms of discipline. Contact your local library or the school library to see if they have a copy of the book or the video that you can watch for free. The book is the winner of the National Parenting Publications Gold Award. It says that it is effective discipline for children 2-12 years of age. Good luck!

Dear M.,
I do not have step children, but I have 2 of my own, however, I have several friends who do. I would first have to ask if you and your husband are on the same page when it comes to discipline. You MUST agree. That is a big problem that my sister deals with. She does not let her "new" husband discipline "her" kids. He wants to step in, but since they are not "his" kids she does not think he has the right to discipline. I dissagree with her, but hey, that's my opinion. You and your husband HAVE to agree on how to discipline all of your kids. Be consistant with discipline. Don't back down and give in. He needs stability. Find what works for him. Time outs do not work for every child and neither does warming the back side. I have found that out for myself. My kids are like night and day! What works for one might not work for the other(s). Take time and spend one on one with him and do something he likes to do. If he likes to be read to, take time with just you and him and read to him. The same goes for your husband. He needs "daddy time" too. Praise him when he does do good, and plays well with the other children. Don't be afraid to stand up and be the mom. Like you said, he needs one, because he has not really had one. It will take time, patience, and commitment. It will not happen over night, but most important, be consistant. You can do this. You are a mom...you can do anything! I hope you find this helpful. I will be thinking of you and you will be in my prayers for this situation. Sincerely, Steph J.

I believe you have it figured out as to his issues. The challenge is finding a way to get him to understand that you will love him and care for him. It's a huge betrayal for a mom to basically reject a child.

You might try reading THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES FOR CHILDREN by Gary Chapman. And just keep loving him.

If he doesn't like writing sentences, he might change his behavior to avoid them. I think it odd that he resists and challenges you, but will write the sentences.

Keep looking up and doing the right thing. He will be won by your love and consistency.