My Stepson Dosen't Want to Come Over!

we had my brother-in-law who is 12 living with us for a while and when he showed up he didn't hardly know how to wipe his own butt, because his mother had pampered him so much. I have a very strict house hold and he was given chores, and a regular bed time. He didn't like either one, and at the beginning it was really hard, but when he went back to his mother after a couple of months, I was really worried that he would go back to being unable to care for himself. But he came to me a year later and thanked me for helping him become a man, and letting him know that there are boundaries. So all I can say is chin up. all you can do is train him in the way he should go and he will be a better person for it. I wouldn't allow him to disrespect me in my own home if I were you, and that is what he is doing by calling you by your first name. and if he does that often then your daughters may begin to think that it is okay. but make sure that he knows that if he is at your house he has to live by the rules and that you love him no matter what decision he makes as to where he lives, but he must follow your rules at home.

Whatever you do don't change your rules! It sounds like you are dealing with the "baby mama drama" The first name basis and rude comments- your husband needs to step up and have a serious talk to your step son and explain that this is not acceptable. There should also be a schedule of when he will spend time with you and your husband and his mother, a schedule both families respect and follow. His mother is letting him take advantage of her by not having any rules, probably because she feels guilty for being an absent parent before.

Hi K.,

You don't say how old the stepson is. If he is more than 7 yrs old then dad is going to have to do ALL the displine not you. He is only going to think and say "your not my mother, I don't know you" You are not the primary parent figure. You also don't say how often he is with you or his mom. If you have seen Dr Phil at all he will say you came into the picture way to late. So dad needs to all the displine and punishment, and if dad isn't will to step up to the plate (another Dr Phil phrase) and work it out with the ex as far as disline, punishment,chores,school and whatever else,and be on the same page and all the Adults act like Adults, then you need couseling or some other additional help that your not going to get on here. Ann Landers or Dear Abbey on said the fastest way to break up second marriges are kids from the first. Please think about real help if it is more than you can handle.

L. Smith

Hi there,
I know it's probably not much comfort but I want you to know you aren't the only one out there dealing with a similar situation. I am engaged to my step children's father and they spend half of the week at KGrandma's house (*mom passed away) and then they don't always want to come home. Our kids are a bit younger then yours 5, 3, and 2 but dealing with this can be tough. Grandma doesn't do much about discipline but they know here at daddy's there are rules. Your stepson is probably past the fit throwing phase but that's what ours do when they get here. What you need to do is sit him down and talk to him. Find out why exactly he doesn't want to be there and what you can do to make it better. Maybe tell him things like once a week *or how ever often he's with you* he can do something like pick what you eat for dinner or maybe have a special desert. As far as the calling you by your first names and making rude comments talking to your hubby's a good idea but maybe the four of you * include his mother& can sit down and make some mutual rules and guidelines for him to follow. I'm not sure what else I can suggest but I wish you the best of luck!

Step children are the touchiest situations. I had five of them, all boys. I hate to say it, but it sounds as though the bi-Mom is talking down about you and your husband, infront of the boy. This is too too common. Which means, talking to her my do no good. So, the only other source, is the boy. This talk should only occur with his Father. Other wise, he will resent you, for forcing this. His father needs to sit and explain, that even though things are different in the households, he is responsible for how he acts at both. He also needs to know the dammage that can be done, hard feelings, distrust, and sadness. Of course, age appropriate words should be used, and no blame shough fall. No harsh words about Mom. She is the issue, but you can't have him see that. When he is with his Dad, life is one way, and saying mean things can cause hard feelings. Firmly tell him it is not acceptable, while showing him great love. His father should also be certain to listen to what is bothering his son, really ask, and really listen. When my step son finally talked to us, we found out he was afraid of his Mom leaving, and wanted to please her by hating us. But he didn't hate us, he was just scared. Also, nutral ground is a good place to have this talk. Best of luck to you and your family.

Being the Bio Mother of an extended family I can say you are probably experiencing what I am in our group. the Other parent does not take discreation to not inflict her personal opinions on the child. Mine has been with his father and step mother (living) for 6 years. He has never had real problems til the last 6 months. But now he reveals the hate and anger of having to listen to the negative comments about me. yes, you and your husband my have to be the ones to "fix" this child when the break finally happens but in the mean time keep close and supportive don't change your standards and watch that you do not do the same thing she is doing.

Hi Kileen,
C. here...I am a mom of three. 22, 16, 14. Married 16 years..

How old is your stepson may I ask?
It sounds as if you have your hands full. Isn't motherhood great!
I would say, that maybe his dad could speak to his ex, and ask if she could contribute to enforcing some of the routine you and your hubby have for him... If she is not willing to help, then I would tell her that you would be more than happy to have her drop him off, under that request.

As for the rude comments, and calling you and your husbad by first names...I would nip that in the bud quick...Disrespect once it takes root, will follow him all through life...

One last thing...Are you and your hubby involved in a church?
If so, I would make it a point to take this young man with you and your family, and sign him up for a youth group.

Thats the best I can offer...I hope things get better for you.

Please feel free to contact me, if you'd like. I am here for ya.

Love,
C.

I am a foster parent, and this is a common thing we see. Sadly, yes, you can only raise him correctly in your home. Make sure not to put "Mom" down in your house, and show him love and affection, but stick to your rules. I am unsure as to where your stepson is living and whe he is staying with her, I think that is likely not a good plan, but it still doesn't change the fact that a child needs consistancy. Even if she never leaves, he will benefit more from the little bit of disipline and care from you guys than her passive "involvement".