Being a Step Parent, the Hardest Job I've Ever Had

I'd suggest backing off. Whatever snowjob the mom is doing you are certainly not going to be able to buy your way out of, nor do you have any hope of convincing her children that she is the bad guy. Major waste of effort, there.

Children are not for appreciating their parents... even if they have 12 kids of their own and live to be 100, they will *never* appreciate all of what was done for them, what it cost their parents or how long it continues, because they will always be younger, and always have a younger perspective than their (hopefully) more mature parents. Children are also not for respecting their parents (or any other presumably more mature human), they are for respecting and treating gently and kindly with understanding that they're young and don't understand.

Because they are young and don't understand.

Be yourself. Love their dad. Continue your generosity because you believe it is the right way to behave, and do not ever hold out any expectation that these behaviours will ever get you anything except a nice warm, smug feeling that we all get when we know we're being the mature ones.

Dear A.,
I am a stepparent as well. We acyually have a yours mine and ours family, and at times it has been rough. My two step sons now come to me not the biological being that game them life. We started an honesty talk time at our home where anything could be said as long as it was said with respect to the others. It is alright for you to be mad/upset at them or the actions that are causing you distress. However, they must be able to have the same feelings and to know that they can coice their opinions without fear of repricutions. The boys did not like me in the beginnign - I was the New mom they did not need me they had a mom and they had a dad....the ultimate goal for them )as with any divorce kid) to make me mad enough to leave so that the REAL parents get back together.
Mu husband and I sat them down explained that we were going to be together and we wanted them to be with us, but we had to treat each other with repect to get respect and if there was a problem they could come and talk to us without fear of being punished. Alos, the golden rule of "what evet happens at the other parents house does not matter in this one unless you are being harmed". That eliminated Mom did this Mom did that speaches from teh kids.
Now MY BOYS are 20 and 17 and would rather talk and spend time with me than there own mother, and sometimes even their dad. They know they can talk to me, I listen not judge, but they do respect how I feel about things.
My oldest is planning on being a Psychologist and using this thinking in his woek....2 more years of college to go YEAH !!
Good Luck...the first few years are going to be rough...stay true and you will be a happy family.

Feel free to email me if you would like to talk more.

I forgot who said this "Even though their Dad is the one handing out the punishment, they'll blame you anyway, so get use to it" but they said it right on the nose. Seems to me you are getting the total opposite of what I get. I get drowned with hugs and kisses. It is not easy being a step parent. I have had my share of issues with it, and it is because their mother herself has some emotional issues of her own to work out and creates problems. The only good thing I can actually say that is good about her is she provides for them. Other then that she has some major issues. She has not really been there for them emotionally and give a whole lot of physical attention. That is where I get drowned with hugs and kisses even until this day and they are ages 15 13 and 9. What I get is the games they play and I think it is all to get attention from their mom. I also think their mother has a self esteem issue so she bad mouths people to the kids to feel better. All you can you is give them love and they will come around and see the big picture. Just do not bad mouth anyone to them it will show them your the better person. Good luck

I do agree that stuff should not be bought for them unless it is necessary. Quality time is the most important thing a parent/relative can offer kids. I DO think you should stick to your rules, it is half your house, and they are children. I have nieces/nephews that are like those kids, eat nothing but junk-food, get whatever they want, and usually don't eat at the table. But you know what? When they come over to play with our kids, they eat what we eat (mostly healthy stuff), and if they don't like it, they can sit at the table all night and miss out on playing games. That's the way I was raised, had only one spanking in my childhood, and I am a straight-A student, who is married, with two kids, a dog, and a comfortable home. The family is not as personable as it used to be and it is up to us adults to make it that way again. Actually, I feel like the nag, because before I came along, it was hot dogs, mac 'n' cheese, and pizza all the time for my step-son and after my husband and I got married, I snapped my fingers and *poof*, fruits, veggies, and whole wheat magically appeared. Now I am not saying I am a perfect mom but I do know how to provide some nutritious food that kids so badly need now-a-days. A., just keep your foot down and try to make people and the mom realize that you are providing a good, not a bad, foundation for your step-kids. In the end, you come out ahead and hopefully everyone will start seeing that. Good luck!

Hi A.!

I am 37 and a step-mom to two (now adults) for 11 years. My husband is 13 years older than me. Both kids moved in with us in less than a years worth of marriage, they were 9 and 12. They also came from a very unstructured enviroment where everything had to be taught and re-learned. I don't want to get bashed for anything that I say, since this is from my own experience... There are great biological moms our there as well as great step-moms. And yep there are horrible biological and step-moms out there also. I'm had the same experience as you with the not so great biological mom. She always put herself and her needs before her kids and so on and so forth. I don't want to give you my history I just want to help you with your present situation...
No matter how hard it is, you have to make the boys follow your rules while in your home. You didn't mention how old they are? But no matter, they need to follow your and your husbands(their Dad's) rules, peroid. If they can't follow the rules then punishments should be handed out. In your case, by their Dad. Your hubby and you need to sit down, come up with the rules and then sit them down and go over them. When they don't follow the rules your husband should handle the punishment unless he's out of town or something. I know many don't agree with this, but you are not their parent. It was hard for me to come to terms with that portion of it, but in the end it's what worked best for us. Even though their Dad is the one handing out the punishment, they'll blame you anyway, so get use to it.
My step kids are now 23 and 26 and they both thank me now for all that I did and showed them. From clothing, to how to eat correctly when at the table to how to treat a date (opening doors that sort of thing). I believe no good deed goes un-noticed, one day you will get their gratitude and thanks, but just don't count on it during the early or teen years!!
Your husband and you have to stand united, it's the only way it will work. Don't ever say anything negative about the mom because no matter what she'll always be put up on a pedestal no matter what she does or doesn't do, very hard pill to swallow. All we can hope for is when they become adults they admit things to themselves about the past even if they can't admit it to us.
The kids didn't ask to be put in this situation (something I had to remind myself of all the time) but we chose to marry their fathers and knew what we were getting into.
Good Luck and if you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM through Mamasource!
J. in Macomb

I am not a stepmom, but a mom and I agree with most of the others comments. Don't buy things that are not needed (rewards that they worked for yes), don't talk about their mom, communicate with your husband and set some rules. One thing I don't agree on is that your husband should be the only one dishing out the punishment, it's your house too and they need to respect you and the rules. They are probably still getting used to the new situation (and feelings) and hopefully after some time they will get better and respect you not only as an adult but as their stepmom. Also, I wouldn't just reward them with "things", taking them out (with your husband) and spending some quality time with them would be more memorable for them as well as you and your husband. There are lots of things out there that you can do that are inexpensive or free!!

Good luck!!

A. I can relate. Being a step parent is TOUGH. I get to deal with a spoiled child though. Ive known my stepson since he was 2 and now he is going on 11. When he was small it was so much easier, then BAM once he hit the age of 6 lots changed. His mother got remarried, his father and I married and had a baby. No longer was he the center of attention, at our house anyway. Your husband needs to enforce your home rules, not just you. HE needs to be the source of "nagging" even though its NOT. You are there for love and support but they are not your kids, you can help, you can suggest but in the long run putting more enegry may make you feel totally unappreciated. Its happend to me, ive gotten my feelings H U R T.
Im at work now but Id love to write more. There is abook called Stepparenting for idiots, and its very good and funny too, go check it out
M.

My two cents worth, first stop trying to buy the children with gifts. It does not work. It makes matters worse. If they think they can get something for nothing they will continue the behavior. Second, they are not your children, you are the step-mother, under no circumstance should you speak bad of their mother, what their mother allows or how their mother is raising them or runs her home. There dad will have to deal with that directly with the mother. Your involvement will only make the mother mad and cause more grief between you and your husband. If indeed these children are living as you describe above, your husband should be in court attempting to get custody. Has protective services been called, has the school commented on the childrens condition or behavior? Now, as it relates to your home, you and your husband should set the ground rules. The two of you must stand firm on the rules and not make exceptions unless the two of you discuss it. Once you and your husband has made the children aware of the house rules, then they have to be enforced, but again (I know I'm going to start a controversy)it is your husband's responsiblity to follow through with discipline when the rules are not followed. He is the father and that is his job as a parent. If he doesn't follow through, then discuss it in private with him, never let the children know that they are causing a conflict between the two of you. A united front. Eventually, the kids will come around and they will appreciate you for being there, guiding them and helping them become respectable and responsible adults.

Good Luck!!!

Hi I am not a step mom but I do know that you can not buy respect or love. My advice is to not buy anything that they do not absolutely need. If they ask for something, tell them they have to earn it. And as for their mother, kids are smart. They will resent her for saying anything about negative about you in the end. Just make sure you give them lots of support in anything they do and let them know you are always there for them. Just being there is the best thing you can do for them. Don't beat yourself up if they don't show you they care, because I am sure they do. I don't know how old they are, or if they are boys or girls, but there are different things you can do with them at different ages that they will never forget. And let their father know what you are doing and how you feel. He needs to be involved with everthing also or it won't work.

Good luck!

T.

Wow A. it is almost like dajvu I was in this situation the mother was not that bad but the fact of trying to teach children manors and to resepct your home is tough. I had two step daughters whom just did as they pleased and thier mother did her best to undermine the rules at our home until she got re married and her new husband had his own rules :) but the best advise I can give you is that you and your husband have to have the same rules and enforce them if your husband doesnt back you then all will be lost. We had a rule that they were not allowed to talk about their mother in our house (i know it sounds bad) the only thing they could say were good things and only on friday night or saturday morning after that no more because that is all we would hear my mom said her words and thoughts on our home were not allowed. We also did not talk bad about her or her family. You did not say how old the boys are so that makes it a little harder but as the girls grew it was explained to them this is our home these are our rules if you would like to go on vacations or outings you will follow our rules. It worked but took a while. The other thing I would do is point out how what is being said was not nice and rude since they went to church I would point out god loves everyone and it is not nice to talk about people that way. Just remember it is your husbands and your home do not let them run it. I think the oldest girl hated me for about 6 months because she was constantly grounded or writing sentences about her behavior but when her dad and I were divorce I think she took it the hardest. and now they run the house exspecially the youngest and my son comes home with a nasty attitude and scraches and brusies.