Discipling My Step Son

I am also a stepmother of an 8 year old girl. I have been blessed to have her in my life for the past 5 years. We have full custody of her. I will admit, I struggled the past few years with her doing whatever she wanted and dad not being much of an enforcer. And needless to say when she was younger and would come back from a visit at moms, we would have to reteach rules and values and responsibilities every time. I will give you this ray of hope....kids value and respect boundries, remind him of his boundries, don't punish, let some things slide, dad will eventually see you getting respect and bonding and he will be more of an enforcer. My 8 year old is no longer my stepdaughter in my eyes, she is my daughter, we are closer than ever, and she understands the boundries. Another idea- really explain why you are not letting him do something, AND ALWAYS end with a hug and I love you!

I don't have any advice for you other than to try to remember how hard all of this is on your stepson. I think that you do need to be consistent with him, but that his dad should probably be the one to do most of the enforcing of the rules. If you think about all of the upheaval in his life right now, new baby, having to share his dad w/a new woman, no place of his own where he truly belongs, back and forth from one house to another, his family splitting up, new mom, old mom, etc... That's quite a lot for a little guy to have on his shoulders. Remember all of this and give him hugs instead of looking at him as an annoyance. Find the things that he does well and point them out to him. Encourage while being consistent. A lot of what you mentioned as problem behavior is fairly common for kids that age, even ones that don't come from a split family. Loosen up, remind him of the rules, but also take the time to play with him, get to know him for the wonderful and special child that he is. He's really going to feel out of place when the new baby is here. Lots of hugs and smiles can go a long way to help him through that.

I don't think it has a thing to do with rules -- of course your stepson remembers them. He's probably protesting your new baby and the fact that you married his father. I would suggest the real problem is that he didn't want his parents to get divorced in the first place and he's taking it out on you. Plus, your husband is setting you up to be the bad guy by not supporting you. Frankly, I would suggest family therapy so you guys can straighten everything out.

The father should be disciplining your stepson. Your stepson already has a mother, you should be his friend and mentor. You are setting yourself up for years of resentment. Look at the situation from your stepson's point of view. He goes home to his mom and is loved and praised. When he comes to your house he is getting nagged at and in trouble all the time from your rules. I definitely think house rules are important but I agree with your husband, he is not there as much so why don't you cut him a little slack. Maybe he doesn't have the same rules at his mom's house, he is only 6. That would be very confusing for any 6 year old. His parents are divorced, who knows how you and your husband's relationship is with his mother. Hopefully everyone gets along and says nothing but nice things about each other, but that usually isn't the case. I think if you keep doing what you are doing that your stepson might end up hating you. I know that is harsh but it sounds like you have some issues with him. Are you jealous of your husband and his son's relationship? Are you afraid that your husband won't love your daughter that is on the way as much as his son? You need to treat those children equally, love them both, and be a nurturing/loving/positive/and understanding person to your blended family.

Your husband is right. Take it easier on him. He is somewhat of a stranger in his home and expressing his heartbreak and anger the only way he knows how. He is hurting that his family was torn apart. I think it's best to let go a little and treat him more like a guest and just have fun with him. If he is destructive he might need another kind of help. I feel for him and so does his father who probably has appropriate guilt.
On top of that his father is starting a new family. That's got to be hard. Have sympathy. You have very little power here. Sorry.

Your stepson KNOWS the rules. Kids are very perceptive on what is acceptable and what is not with different people and in different locations. That is why some kids act one way in school and another at home. You need to continue w/ the discipline. The most important thing is to be consistent!!

The tough part will be getting your husband to see the light. You can not force your husband to understand. . .this sounds bad but most men need to figure it out themselves or be made to think it was their idea. Good luck deciding how to handle this one.

Hi S.,
I think that his dad needs to start being the one who disciplins him. All you are going to have is a step-son that resents you because you are the one that took his father away from him and yells at him all the time. Even though it's not true it may be how he feels. I have a step-mom that I love. Now that I'm an adult I look back and it must have been very frusterating for her. My brothers and I got away with a lot (broken curfews, not doing chores). She never yelled at us. If she had a problem she always let my dad deal with us. I respect her for that. It made us feel better about her and her 3 daughters moving in to our house. It was hard for everyone until we all adjusted but her not displining us was good. We have a wonderful relationship now and I'm grateful to her. Good luck.
Chris

I agree with Shelia C relax a little 6 year olds are old enought to follow the rules, but it is always a game of reminding, what you mention as problems really aren't, the running in the house all kids do it, interrupting people is learned and will take time. You and your husband have to get on the same page, it is his job to be the enforcer no matter how much time he is in the house, the world is made of rules and doesn't make exceptions for how long you have been in it, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't say something, pick your battles decide what is NOT ok and what can probably slide, but leave the discipline to your husband at least for the first couple of years and then you can slowly move yourself into the position.

Just stick with it. I have a stepdaughter who was 5 when my daughter was born and while we had rules in place, the big crack down came then. She learned some hard lessons, like if she didn't pick up her toys, she would have to put them in a box and would lose them. You can spin it that it is important for him to keep his toys picked up because of the baby, telling him you know he doesn't want anything to happen to her (like choking on a piece that she gets a hold of) to make him feel as though he is playing a big roll in ensuring the baby's safety. The most important thing is to get your husband's backing in enforcing these rules. Your stepson is old enough to remember the rules and may be pushing boundaries.

Like I said, stay with the course. Good luck!

S.,

You might want him to get involved with the baby like getting the diapers, baby wipes, etc. Sounds like he's jealous. I babysit 4 children (I never had kids) and the boys are sometimes harder (they are 10 and 11) and they are a blended family. I don't know if you listen to Parent Talk but I'm sure they have some books on disciplining. The website would be www.flr.com and you can find the closest one to you.

T. V

I think you ARE expecting too much, your husband should be doing most of the discipline, and you should respect his idea of what that means (w/in reason) A 6 year old still needs much guidance, and it sounds like you want him to act like a little adult. I would stick to reminding and stay away from punishing, you are setting the foundation for a relationship that is very important. Let him be a kid.

All kids have trouble following the rules perfectly. This is why they are kids, and we are adults. I find myself breaking my own rules (eating stuff I shouldn't and yelling) and I am an adult. So why do we as parents expect our kids to never have trouble with this? I think most parents are gulity of this and don't know it. Kids are kids. They are entirely selfish and that is the way it is. Make sure you are rewarding him when he does good things, even if it is just verbal praise. Good luck.

My advice is to just keep reminding him, my 7 year old and 3 old have to be reminded of the rules every single day. Don't be too annoyed every child needs reminding. Once your own child is a little older you will realize it is the same with yours. Hang in there. :)

I think your expectations may be a bit skewed.

The ability to remember and recite the rules does not mean that in the moment he can put aside his desires in order to follow the rules.

Remembering and "knowing" are two different things. I can remember the rules of Algebra but If presented with an equation I'm not going to know how to do it.

Discipline means to Teach, not to punish. Are you explaining to him what he did wrong and giving him the opportunity to do it right? For example he runs through the house. Stop him walk him back to where you saw him running and have him walk. Cleaning up toys, you may need to help him do it. As for interupting adults, stop your conversation momentarily look him in the eye and say "Son, So and So and I are talking right now, if you need to interrupt please say excuse me politely and wait until I ask you what you need" (My son also touches my arm to get my attention before saying excuse me, and i always make sure he knows that i heard him either by putting my hand on his or holding up one finger to let him know "just a minute")

Being treated with respect, and being obeyed by your step son means that you have to treat him with respect and work with him.

FWIW this is probably not a popular opinion but I don't feel a step parent should be the one to punish a step child (punish and discipline are not the same...punishment is time-outs, grounding, taking away toys etc Discipline is to teach you don't need to punish in order to teach a child something)

S.,

Don't assume your son knows the rules and will follow at age 6. I have three step children whom have been in my life since age 8. They are all teenagers now and ready to start their adult lives. I went through the same thing. What worked for me- though exhausting- is repitition and giving them CHOICES.It is draining and you get real sick of it- but you and your husband have to be on the same page regarding discipline and both of you need to step up to the challenge of going over and over and over again with his rules. Dont ask him what they are-he knows. You will just get more frustrated that he doesnt do them. Take some toys/games away, tv, etc if no cooperation. I left kids a note with one thing to do and a time. if that was not done- and to my satisfaction, they got a do-over and lost a privelage for the night. Even though you see him every other weekend- he will get the picture. The first few years of our marriage we had the kids 10 days a month, and that was hard enough. You can do this...or you dont get to do this. Then you may not get the "you're not my real mom" seech either, for disciplining. Good luck.

It is tough to raise children, and it is more so when they are children from a previous marriage as they come with their own baggages.

Children want to feel safe, loved. They feel that way when we hold them, touch them, talk to them, spend time with them, and provide a set of rules that do not shift.

Every child will attempt to test the rules, so as to see who is really boss and if he is really cared for. It is mighty reassuring at six to know where the boundaries are. I suppose this little boy might be looking for reassurance that he is loved and this is one way to do it.

Very important to give all kinds of positive affirming for doing things right. This works so much better than the negative attention from doing things wrong. Also, it is important not to enter into a power struggle with a little kid. Most of the time, you can distract a child and get out of that kind of cycle. Right in the middle of the struggle you short-circuit it by asking, How was school today? What was your favorite thing, or did you have anything you would like to share with me? Give him a chance to look good, by asking him to show you how to open this box or some such thing.

It is so important to be consistent. If you say these are the rules, make sure you stand by them. Do not remind a kid over and over. He knows. Just say one time, "We will have to go home if you behave that way" and then no matter how inconvenient it is to "go home", do it anyway if the behavior repeats.

I hope you find something of use in this message. God bless you.
J.

S.,

This is a tough one. I am the step-mother to 2 boys that are ages 23 and 18 (since they were 6 and 1, 17 years now), and we have 2 together ages 14 and 9.
First of all you and your husband MUST be on the same page, if he doesn't back you up, nothing will work and it will only cause problems between you. Your husband does not enforce disciple most likely, because he feels guilty disciplining his son when his time with him is only 10 days a month. Your husband needs to move past the guilt. If he doesn't start enforcing rules NOW, it will only get worse, I have seen it over and over again. My best advice is this, ask your husband to take a few parenting classes (doesn't mean you are bad parents, it means you want to be great parents!, parenting skills are learned skills), or a few months of counseling to work on these areas. Your husband may be a great Dad, but he feels guilty...this is not helping your step-son. Children are "very" smart, smarter than we give them credit sometimes and your step-son will learn very quickly how to play you against one another and manipulate both parents and stepparents. I have learned these things personally and seen it with friends and family, start early because it only get harder. Some people will say you are being to hard on him, not true..he is old enough. Kid know the difference between rules at home, rules at school, rules at babysitters house, they can keep the rules separated between both parents home. Try these guidelines: when you talk with him try not to talk at him, bend down to his level, make eye contact, hold his hand, use a calm voice, keep a reward chart...if he is successful 3 out of 4 times for the week give him an allowance or small reward.

I have to agree with many of the moms that your husband should be the one doing the disciplining and you should be more focused on getting to know the little guy. It's true that he is old enough to know the rules but to carry them out all the time is too much to ask of him.

I have to admit that I am a little frustrated that you choose to call your daughter your first child. Isn't your stepson your child also? (Not a criticism on you but I would be devastated if my husband referred to our oldest daughter as his step-daughter - he is the only father she knows)

I agree that he is old enough to remember the rules but you have to remember that most of the time he is following a separate set of rules. He probably knows and remembers that he is not supposed to run in the house, but if he can run in the house when he is not with you he is in the habit of running in the house. Habits are hard to break. You should definitely continue to enforce the rules and the consequences sound very fair to me. However, you and your husband need to have a long discussion about how the two of you will discipline. Nothing will work unless you are both following the same plan. Be prepared to give a little. Also, make sure that you are kind and understanding during the discipline; this is hard on your stepson too. Obedience will probably come in time, but it will probably take longer because he has to follow two sets of rules.

Your husband's response is that "he isn't there enough to remember the rules" is a bunch of bull. He's 6 years old!!!! Kids are smart, and I'm sure your rules are basic common sense rules that he has to follow at his mom's and school. I have 2 boys (4 and 6) and, admittedly, boys don't always make the best decisions (lol), but it may be that he's trying to get some attention.

So here's my advice: try using a sticker chart to reward GOOD behavior. We've used it for our 6 yr old for awhile and now we've started using it for our 4 yr old. It's worked really well. We started with 5 spaces for stickers (for a fast pay-off) then we let him pick out a "prize" at the store. Nothing too extravagent, just an action figure or some Pokemon cards--something under $10. Keep your eyes open for any good behavior: doing things without being told, listening the first time, sharing, etc. When he gets to 5 make a big deal and don't put off taking him to the store. Show him you can follow thru on your end if he's willing to modify his behavior on his end. Good luck!

As a step-parent, your step-child will never see you as dicsiplinarian...it's the way our brains are wired. You can remind him of the rules but if Dad isn't on board with a structured plan...you are in for a looooong battle. I think the two of you need to (behind closed doors) come up with a strategy, and at 6, your stepson is old enough that you should be able to explain a lot to him on a level that doesn't make you standing over him pointing your finger!

Sometimes I have to remind myself to 'pick my battles' and look the other way when my kids are just being kids!

~L.

My sister-in-law just went through this with her step-kids.

#1-Dad always backed her up - not by remaining silent or by doing the disciplining himself - but by saying stuff like 'You need to listen to Amy' or 'Amy's taking care of it'. Now they obey her just like they obey their real mom or dad. At first, there was a strong 'i don't have to listen to you' attitude. Dad nipped that in the bud.

instead of challenging him on the rules, try saying stuff like 'is there something you need to remember? or is there something you were just about to do?(pointing to the toys if he still doesn't get it) or did you take care of everything you need to do before you go home?...are you sure - run in and double check ;)'

This way you're helping him remember instead of picking a fight. ...if he doesn't play along, go with 'ought-oh, i think you might have some more toys to pick up'

my cousin doesn't allow toys out of the playroom...but the playroom doesn't have to be picked up

I have my kids pick up 10 things as fast as they can...and then they get a break....10 minutes later (by timer) they pick up 10 things again.

Alot of my kids' toys are still packed up from our last move. our house is much cleaner now, lol.

It sounds like your step son may realize that you and your husband are at odds concerning discipline. Whether he is aware of it or not he is playing one against the other. You and your husband should sit down together and decide what discipline will be and what you consider unacceptable behavior. You need to be united in this area and work together on his behavior. Make these decisions together and inforce them together. Your step son needs to know that you are a family and that means working together. No getting away with naughtiness because he is only there a few days a week. He will be better off as an adult if you stick with it. Be sure to talk to him about why he is being punished when he is disciplined. Sounds like you have some good rules for him. Don't give up.

I don't know if this is any help at all..I am not personally in your situation, but I have a few friends that are and I know a couple of them have always found Dr. Phil's webpage to be a big help. He has had this topic on his show many times and there is a wonderful forum on his webpage as well (www.drphil.com) and he talks about parenting stepchildren many times. I will keep you in my prayers for this situation in your life to get easier and more peaceful in your home.