My 16 Year Old Daughter Doesn't Trust Me!

The most important thing to remember is that you are a mom first, not a friend. I know it's hard, and you wish that you were involved in every aspect of her life, but at 16 there are some things that girls like to keep between friends.

I think you should apologize for letting out her "secret" when she was 10, and tell her that you know that it was wrong to do that, and you would never do it again. Ask her for forgiveness, and remind her how important forgiveness is in a family. We all make mistakes, and she cannot hold that against you for the rest of her life after all!

Also, let her know that if she wants to keep some "small secrets" from you, then she does have the right to her privacy, but also let her know that if ever any "big" issues come up, that she can (and should) come to you, and that you won't over-react, or tell anyone, etc. That way, she still feels like she has the right to some degree of privacy, yet that she has a safe person to go to for the bigger/important issues.
Good luck to you!

You need to apologize to her... many times if need to. And let her have her own time to heal.

My Parents once did that to my sister.... but the boy was REALLY not a nice boy. And after that incident, she NEVER told them about any other crushes or boyfriends she had. So my parents never knew about her personal life after that. My sister NEVER forgot that, that her privacy was broken... and till this day, she remembers her privacy was disregarded. But she has forgiven them.
(I know for you, it has been 6 years since your incident happened. And your girl just told you she does not trust you after all that time. For my sister as well, it took MANY years for her to overcome it...)

Being a nice/good Mom & a person that everyone goes to for advice is one thing... but breaking a "confidence", for YOUR child, is a BIG deal. It's personal. So... it will take time. Lots of time. Ask your daughter HOW you can make it up to her.... over time. And maybe in time, she will overcome her distrust.

Your daughter sees you being so great with other people and THEIR problems, but for her, that is not the case. All she knows is that you "tattled" a secret of hers....and that she is the ONE person, that that should not have happened to, because she is your daughter. You are her Mom.

Tell her that you are very sorry, and that you made a "mistake" like many people do, and that even if you are a grown-up, we still are not perfect. Be open with her... don't force it though.... for a child, not being able to trust their Parent/Mom, is a really big thing... and they are sensitive about it.

The thing is, and I'm sure you know... it's not just about keeping confidences for your daughter... it is about building a relationship... and so that IF she is in any dangerous situations, that she WILL come and tell you, in the future.

Is your daughter open with your Husband? For me and my sister, my DAD was the one we went to with our 'confidences.' We just trusted him more, in a way, and he always understood us.
No matter what... there has to be at least ONE parent, a child can go to, with "secrets" or problems or concerns, or confidences, or worries, or stresses. Otherwise, both parents will be out of the loop.... when their child needs them the most.

Just ask her, if she can forgive you.. and if you can both start off anew. Make it all about "her" and not about how hurt you are, but do tell her that it hurts "you" because you love her so much, and you are sorry for your mistake etc. For kids, and remembering when I was a kid myself, having my Parents apologize to me, was VERY important, when they had 'wronged' me or taken me the wrong way. And if they did not, I felt very sad. My own daughter, it makes a BIG difference when I can own up to my mistakes and "apologize" to her... it makes her feel "validated" and then we get back on course.

Good luck,
Susan

Well, too bad about the trust thing but you are not her friend, you are her mother. My daughter wanted to be my friend when she was that age but it is at that age when they need you to be the real adult in the relationship. Now that she is an adult we are great friends, but then I had to tell her that I needed to take adult action on the stuff she told me, so that creates a filter right there. It is most important to be a parent now. Tell her about the way you feel? Do you want to put that on her? Is she using what she knows hurts you to control the situation?

Be a parent first. She will thank you over and over again.

Hi D.,

Trust is fundamentally for kids. We want them to open up to us, but unless they trust us completely, they simply won't.

In order for you to regain your daughter's trust, you need to be straight with her. Acknowledge to her that you made a mistake. That she trusted you with something and you betrayed that. What may have been "too cute" to you was obviously very serious for her. She needs you to acknowledge that you understand how important and private that secret was for her, and how sorry you are for not having seen that back then. You might also want to acknowledge how honored you felt that she did trust you with something that was so sensitive for her.

If your apology is sincere, I guarantee that she will start to open up again. She wants to be able to trust you. Kids need that. You just need to prove to her that it is safe.
Good luck,

G. B.
www.GilaBrown.com

Hi D.:
I concur with SH. An excellent response.I'll only add,that as parents, we aren't simply here to teach our children right from wrong.We're not merely guiding,teaching them how to be responsible,compassionate, individuals. We strive to help bring out their finest qualities,and one of those fine qualities your daughter possesses is (Loyalty) She feels you don't share her feelings about the importance. Sit down,and discuss the situation,and let her know,that you regret not keeping her secret,and were wrong.That you respect,her privacy,and in the future,will keep those things she trusts to share with you (private) I wish you both the very best.J. M

It seems like, by the tone of your letter, that you are trying to be more of a friend to your child than a mom. The important thing you have learned from this is NOT to repeat the same mistake with your other children. If your child tells you something in confidence, you should keep it in confidence UNLESS it is a secret that endangers their safety or the safety of others. I would be worried a little that she told me that "there are a lot of things she wishes she could tell me but can't"...what does that mean? I would ask her if she is sexually active or using substances...these are HUGE problems if they are happening. You need to focus for the next two years while she is under 18 on building trust with her, helping her as far as teaching her lifeskills (chores, managing money, etc.)and how to make good decisions about everyday problems (What would you do if...?) Just be there for her, listen to her. Tell her you are sorry about your actions when she was ten re: her crush, but reiterate to her that you would like the chance to have a close mother/daughter relationship with her. Remember, you are NOT her friend....you are her MOM...she can have lots of friends, but only one MOM.

Best of luck,
J.

I think about all you can do at this point is to tell her she was very young then and your sorry that you didn't keep her secret, which i'm sure you have already told her. Then tell her that she should give you a second chance. Explain that if she made a mistake that she would want a second chance. And also that everyone deserves that. Well hope you give some good advice. Sandy

I don't have a teenager yet, so this advice is off the hip from the perspective of a Human Resources Director and remembering how I felt as a teen.

A) Apologize for losing her trust. B) Consistency and steadfastness builds trust. C) Maybe you can remind her all the secrets you have kept since then (don't know if that helps or not).

And, even though you want her to share everything with you, remember that sometimes teenage girls look to other adults for help instead of their parents. Doesn't mean you're a bad parent, I honestly think it's just part of the process. I have a great mom, very consistent and fair in parenting, but at 15 I still confided in my best friend's mom. Just make sure she's surrounded by other adults who are also good role models and can give good advice.

Good luck!

Hi D., Sister you blew it! Your daughter learned a lesson early and it sounds like she took it to heart.
Women can't keep secrets, they just have to blab...
Maybe someday she will share again with you something very special to her. You have learned a lesson too.
Thanks for sharing with the world on line.
we can all learn from your confession. I hope you know that teens don't generally trust their parents with their secrets that often, but if you use some discretion on her life with your family, she MAY share small details that would be your chance to be the woman she looks up to for sharing her inner thoughts. You'll be the lucky one. good luck, D.

You're still kicking yourself - and she's still kicking you - for something that happened 6 years ago? Yeesh! Once you've apologized to her once, there's really nothing more to do about it. You are human and imperfect: one of the most important things your daughter has to learn about you. Moms are human, too! Beyond that, don't worry about being her confidante. You can become that again when she's in her 20s. For now, a girl's best friends should be her friends, not her mom. As long as she knows to come to you with anything big, scary or overwhelming, she can go to her pals with the other "secrets."

Hi D.,

This sounds like a great opportunity to teach your daughter about grace and forgiveness......If you fully acknowledge to her that you were wrong, and you understand her feeling betrayed that should go along way, especially since you already have a really good relationship.

Ask her to consider/think about/pray about rebuilding trust with you......when she is ready. We all need/deserve second chances in life.

I wish you all the best,

N.

As the mom of teen's it sounds to me like you're doing everything right. Apologize once for you error and then put it to bed. Only time, and repeated "trustworthy" behavior will do it.

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's typical for teens to look for a reason to draw away from their parents - it's called individuation. Trust me, if it wasn't this, it would be something else. Good luck.

Unusual that a child would still remember such little mistake on your part after 6 years. Does she still remember all of her friends' mistakes as well? Reality is such that she is likely to encounter lots of "little betrayals" in life. Tell her she needs to learn to forgive and move on, otherwise she'll have a lonely life. If she forgives others and not you, then it more of a power thing over you. If that is the case, ignore it and the power of it will vanish! Oh kids! Amazing how they can manipulate us through guilt...

With children of your daughters age, secrets are special. Even though they are cute, and in many ways exciting for you it is vital that you tell no one. To gain your daughters trust, you will have to separate your business from hers. The secret of telling you about the boy she has a crush on in school was a test, and I'm sure you will agree, you goofed. However, explain to your daughter of your excitement of her crush and how you felt when she told you about it. she may not readily accept your reasoning, but at least you spoke to her about it. She will soon accept your reasoning, however, she will test you once again to see if you will tell anyone else. Don't say anything to anyone, use your discretion as to if what your daughter tells you is going to harm her physically or mentally. If it will cause her harm, then do what you have to do as her mother, if it will not cause her any harm, keep it to yourself (even though it is may be cute, or funny). My children are over 30 yrs one now and I have had to use my discretion in determining if my children will be harmed. Teenagers are not easy to handle, so speak to your daughter as if she were an adult, after all she is a pre-adult. You can teach your daughter how to be a very well adjusted adult at this time using both your experiences (telling her you were her age at one time, and you can make mistakes), and her own experiences. This will help you get through the pre-teenage and pre-adult stages of her life. Good Luck!

D.,

I believe that you should tell her how upset yoou are with what you did. I made a BIG mistake along those lines with my daughter. When we finally spoke about it, I told her that I am human, like she is, and I made a mistake. I won't make that again. Tell her you love her, and trust her (even if you have doubts), and to give you another chance. When you make yourself HUMAN, she will see that you are willing to speak about your mistakes, and she will be more willing to talk to you about hers. This establishes open communications for the future. It has never backfired on me. I am still her mother, and I can lay down the rules.
Being a friend once in a while will make both of you happy.

I have a daughter 21 and a daughter 12, they older one is graduating from USC this year and we have been having open coversations her whole life. She has even told me things that surprised ME! But I never freak out... that is important too. If youkeep a level head, so will she.

Good luck!

It's very normal for a 16 year old to "distrust" her mother with information about her life. Always own up to the fact you didn't take her confidence seriously at the beginning. Kids get embarrassed easily and they don't like their wishes being dismissed. Who would? Nevertheless, what's important is that she knows that she can trust you with the big stuff. Have a heart to heart with her about this. Remember, you don't need to know every little thing about her life to have a good relationship. Tell her you love her and want her to have confidence in you. She needs to know that you are going to be sensitive to her feelings about things and not do something she feels is embarrassing. The important thing is to be a good mother now; the kind of friendship you are seeking is more likely to happen when she is an adult.

Hi D., I would think if your daughter hasn't forgiven you in 6 years that maybe there is something else going on there, 16 can be a tough age, I know when my daughter was 16 here relationship with her dad was very important for her as a young woman, I would just make yourself available to her. As a mom myself the fact that she said she has a lot of things she wishes you can tell you, ther maybe something things as a parent you need to know. I wouldn't think that anyone would hold something against another person from when they were 10 all the way to 16. Just be there, and let her know you are there. one thing that i never did with any of my kids was promise not tell anyone because I didn't want to have to hide anything from their dad, but thank God there was nothing so terrible that they didn't want him to know. Frienships with our daughters is imporata. my daughter will be 20 next month and even though i'm 52 she is one of my best friends, always be a parent first, then friend, and she will come around. I pray all good things for your family. J.

well, this is a hard one.
you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel about her not trusting you. tell her that you have kept all her secrets since then. Let her know that she cant trust her secrets to those other girls as well, and keep that promise.
let her know that trust goes TWO ways as well. if theres some reason she cant trust you (her own mother) then what does that mean about her? is she doing something untrustworthy?
i hope not!
thats how my sister was, i hope your daughter isnt like that.
you should also let her know grudges only hurt the person who has the grudge, not anyone else.

but maybe there was more to the trust issue. are you sure you have kept all her secrets since then? maybe you would mention things you still thought were cute but she didnt? does she always let you know when shes upset? maybe you just didnt realize that its been happening all along?

or, maybe she just needs a little space at this point? is she acting this way towards her sisters as well? she might just be in that teenage rebel stage. in that case it will not last long and you just have to be patient and loving!

i hope you find out how to fix or deal with the problem!

btw, i looove your story. there arent too many married couples out there who have been together for that long and so young! my hubby and i have been married since we were 16 and 18. its been 7 and half years and we are more in love everyday! hes my best friend and soul mate!

Diane... I can appreciate your feelings given my daughter is now 23. You are right and especially at your daughter's age that you be able to share things with each other. As she goes through her critical high school years that will be so important. As far as how she feels now, I would simply be honest with her saying you didn't realize by sharing with your sister that you broke her trust but you realize that now and are sorry. That in the future you promise to hold her trust and she can count on you for that. I would let her know it hurt you to hear what she said but that you can understand why she felt that way but that you don't want it to remain like that. Like her, mom's too make mistakes at times and learn from them and by her being honest about how she felt it allowed you to learn. That will empower her to be honest with you in the future about her feelings and you will respond to them. Simply acknowledge what happened and how you will handle private matters in the future. I have a feeling that will bridge the issue you are having and create a nice environment for you to enjoy what you want with your daughter... a close and trusting relationship. My duaghter was very funny about things she told me and I did have to do the same one time when I goofed. We have been close since and she does come to me about private concerns or issues in her life. Your daughter will do that same if you go back and reassure her she can trust you and you will hold that trust differently in the future... best wishes!

First of all, I think that it's cool that you have a good relationship with your daughter. I wish that I had that with my mom.

Unfortunately, six years ago, you kinda of messed up.

You should tell your daughter how you feel. You should be honest with her. It might be good for her to hear it.

K.

Ouch, I feel for you. Is that instance where SHE thinks the trust failed? Or is she listening to your conversations and establishing her own opinion from what she hears you discuss with others? I would establish that, and then apologize for your error. Explain that you both have grown and changed in the relationship (she being a young lady). Maybe type up a written contract that you both sign pledging your ability to talk openly. Some things need to include dad too, so verify what those things are too.

Have you apologized for not keeping that she had told you back when she was 10? And, if so, did you apologize in a way that showed that you understand exactly what you did that was wrong, why it was wrong, and her feelings about your transgression? Sometimes people say they apologize but they don't really. They are too busy defending themselves by offering up excuses for why they did what they had done and protecting themselves from the wronged person's ire, that nonething ever ever gets resolved and there is no closure. Or maybe there's an apology but it is so dismissive that it lacks any authenticity or understanding. I'm not saying that this is what happened between you and your daughter but it may be the first place you want to look while you are doing your soul searching to figure out how to heal this rift.

Also, you may want to keep in mind that your daughter may have been using that one trangression as an excuse for why she doesn't tell you everything. There's a chance that she just may not want to tell you everything about here and what you did when she was 10 gives her a good excuse to hold something back and hold things sacred to herself. Honeslty, if your daughter is making good decisions and doing what she needs to do, then I don't find anything wrong with this. We all need a little privacy sometimes and she's at a stage in her life where she probably wants to, and really needs to, figure somethings out for herself in order to transition into adulthood.

I'm not sure if any of this is your situation or not but they are just some points to ponder on this fine spring day. Hope they help.