I've Got a Secret

You should give us an example of "what secret" he has. I know this is a regular game for the most part, why are you thinking it is bad?

We talk about happy secrets and regular secrets.

Happy secrets are ones that make you FEEL happy. Birthday presents, breakfasts in bed, cleaning before someone gets home.... surprises. You can keep happy secrets for as long as you like.

Regular secrets are any secret that make you feel sad, scared, weird, nervous, or upset. ANYTHING except for happy. And if a secret makes you happy AND anything else, then it becomes a regular secret. You only keep a regular secret until you can tell your mum or dad IN PRIVATE. So if a friend asks you to keep a secret and it doesn't make you feel happy, you don't run around telling people, and you don't tell an adult in front of a lot of people. Instead you ask to be alone with the adult, and THEN tell them. And if that adult isn't me... then you also tell me, asap.

House rule, no matter WHO says you'll get in trouble, or someone else will if you tell your parents, the child telling will NOT get in trouble with ME, and I'll make sure no one else does either. That the person might be lying about the trouble to scare, OR they might THINK it's true... but that's because they don't know ME. And that's the happy secret for my son to always keep. If someone tells my son that they can't tell me, he is NOT to tell them that they are wrong... but to keep that happy secret in his heart... and then he and I will make it right. Then when he's an adult it will be his turn to help. Until then, no matter what, his secrets are safe with me. He won't get into trouble, and if it's his friend's secret I'll keep his friends safe, too.

I read that and it made me feel verrry uncomfortable. I don't feel you are overacting at all. I agree with B. Teach her good secrets and bad secrets and teach her just because another adult tells her she can't tell she can ALWAYS tell you no matter what. Teach her where it is ok to be touched and where it is not ok. Make sure you stress to her that anything she has to tell you wont get her in trouble. Good luck.

How does the game go exactly?

I do not think this is a good game for such a young child. Too many negative possibilities.

There is an old Winnie the Pooh video about child safety. It is pretty basic, but I think you should watch it and see if you want to then watch it with your daughter.

They talk about how no one should touch your body parts that are covered by your swim suit.. They do speak about Doctors and parents ..

There are good secrets (surprise birthday parties) and there are bad secrets (my friend cuts herself and doesn't want me to tell anyone, etc).
You've got to teach your child what criteria makes a secret a bad secret.
Does anyone get hurt? Bad secret.
Does keeping the secret make you feel bad/uncomfortable? Bad secret.
Etc.
Also stress if anything bothers or worries her, she is free to talk to you about it because some issues are too big for a child to handle. They need and crave guidance.

It sounds like a game to keep the child's brain working, does dad then ask questions that she can make guesses about something like 20 questions?
You might tell her that you are the Mighty Secret Keeper and everyone tells you there secrets so they can be kept safe and have a secure place to talk about it.
My granddaughter went through a tough time a few years back, she started seeing a councilor who would listen to her and ask questions while she played board games with her, she gave us time to share our concerns and would share a little about what they talked about. My granddaughter started valuing herself more and has grown out of some of her fears we were starting to see in her. If you can't afford or your insurance won't pay for a councilor, why don't you try instituting a game night where you share some of your childhood memories with her and ask her general questions about the secret game, don't drill her, she will open up and talk to you when she needs to figure something out.

You don't explain the game and I'm not familiar with it so it's hard to even understand what you're asking. Are you trying to protect her from her father hurting her? Sorry, I find your post too vague for an intelligent response.

What kind of secrets? Are they just playing a silly game. My son will do that to and when he tells me the secret, he just whispers in my ear....no real words just "whispering noise". Is he actually telling her things that are inappropriate and telling her not to tell you? Instill good morals and let your child know it is always safe to tell you anything that makes her sad or scared, even if someone else she loves tells her not to tell. You can not change what your ex does, unless he is crossing inappropriate boundaries...I would not confront him.

As I recall, "I've got a secret" is kind of like 20 questions? So could you put some structure to the game and agree to play by the rules where you ask 5 questions to try to guess what the secret is. If you guess right, you win. If you guess wrong, she wins but she has to tell you the secret and gets a sticker or something. I agree that it is not a great game to be teaching children but maybe you can achieve your goal by making it more fun for her and learning the secret in the end.

I told my kids that this is how you know when to tell or not, cause it can get very confusing. I told them that if sombody regardless if they are an adult or kid is breaking or hurting something or someone, then they should tell even if it isn't their something or they are not the somebody. Then at bath time, or while driving down the road, we play, do you tell or not? I make up situations, like your friend is riding in your car and she writes on the ceiling with a color. Do you tell or not? Kids say yes & then I ask why? they say cause the car got damaged. Your friend and you are coloring. You ask for the red that they are using & they say no, do you tell? Kids say no, I ask why? They say cause nothing is broken or hurt. You go to a friend's house & while you are there, your friend's brother plays with you both. He holds you down & touches your private areas & tickles you, do you tell? etc... you get the idea. We also play this with stranger danger stuff. A lady comes up & asks you to help her find her puppy & she gives you candy. Do you eat it? Do you help her? etc... My husband trys to do the whole secret thing, but kids aren't falling for it cause i told them that they can have secrets from anybody they want, but me. They have to tell me everything cause it is my job to keep them safe until they are an adult & I can't do that if they keep secrets. So their dad trys & get them to keep secrets from me as a game & I have told them that I pay for secrets. I reward them when they tell me a secret, so then when they get a secret, they run straight to me to see what it is worth. Probably be a mess when friends start telling secrets, but I'll cross that bridge later. LOL. Not much you can do to control ex, so just turn it in to your favor. Hope this helps you to have a win win situation all around. Remember Lemons do make lemonade, just needs enough sweetness! ;)

You should try to stop this game immediately. Or change the rules. She should never have secrets and should know to talk to you or tell you anything. I just got mad at my son's football coach because he yelled at him and told him not to tell his mother or he would deny it. I went crazy because I have always brought up my son to know that he can tell us or come to us with anything. I don't want him to keep secrets at all. I told him that I will go to bat for him as long as he tells me the truth. (Now of course this may change as he gets into his teen years-lol)

This is a dangerous game. A child should be taught to never keep a secret from her parents, in order to protect her from all kinds of harm from all kinds of people. Don't get paranoid and jump to conclusions with your ex, but be observant of your daughter' behavior. He may want her to keep secrets from you of a trivial nature, just something he knows you disapprove of. However, other signs to watch for are any change in behavior, change in sleeping or toilet habits, any new fears, any reluctance to go to her Dad's, any complaint of pain "down there" ( I don't know what terms you use to refer to her genitalia, but it's best if the are the adult terms), any pretend play that shows inappropriate behavior. If she develops these symptoms, have her evaluated by a child psychologist or psychiatrist, who may be able to figure out what her symptoms mean. Don't hover over her and get anxious; just keep the communication open between you.

A little about me; A child psychiatrist, practicing in Palo Alto 16 years. Married 22 years with a boy 20 and a girl 13.

I have told my boys that any time someone says they should not tell mom or dad, or if the secret is from an adult or bigger child, that it is always ok to tell mom, and that they should tell me to be sure all is ok.

it's hard to respond since you haven't explained what this game is.

Versions of "I've got a secret" have been around for a very long time, much like "I spy with my little eye". It may really just be a game that they play.
Don't over-react....be proactive.
I think it's really important for little kids to know about secrets and the difference between good secrets and bad secrets. There's also a difference between secrets and surprises.
I always told my kids that if someone said, "Don't tell your mom", that was the first thing they should do. However, there's a difference between keeping secrets and blabbing everybody's Christmas presents. "Don't tell your mom we bought her a necklace because we want it to be a surprise when she opens it" is different than keeping a bad secret.
Kids really do learn the difference.

My daughter had dinner at a friend's house one time and when she got home, she asked me if it was okay to keep it a secret that her mom burned the meatloaf. I told her I was really glad she asked me and yes, I thought it was okay for us not to mention it.
The mom called me the next day and told me anyway. She was so embarrassed. And, she did say, "Please don't tell your mom I burned the meatloaf."
Someone said don't tell your mom and there was no happy surprise at the end of a burned meatloaf, so my daughter asked me about it.
That's when you know you've gotten through to them.
It's an ongoing process as different things come up.

Play your own secret game. What's a good secret and what's a bad secret?
It won't hurt your daughter at all to know which is which.

Best wishes.

Wow, how dangerous...not sure how old your child is at this point but I would NEVER teach my son to have secrets as he could keep one from me one day if he were convinced by an adult that keeping a secret is what good boys do. A secret rapresents the fertile terrain for a pedophile to start his crime...it all starts with "can you keep a secret?" so I would really be "aggressive" in un-doing what has been done and teaching the child it is NOT ok to have secrets at all. When she grows up she'll be able to handle secrets but now is really not into her "job description" if you know what I mean. Too dangerous.