Child Tells You something...asks You Not to Tell Daddy?

advise her that she did something wrong, and that she needs to tell daddy herself and accept daddy's dissapointment and hope her honesty comes with a leinent punishment, she needs to know that otherwise you will have to tell him. Give her until bed time to do this task. She needs to know she can confide in you but she can not make you take sides.

You need to tell her that you are happy she told you but that you and Daddy are in agreement on rules, etc. and next time to do what Daddy said. You can still be on terms to have them confide in you but otherwise you are making Daddy and you on opposite 'sides'. Not good.

ooh wow!! this would be hard for me...the only secrets we keep in this house are presents!!! :)

while I appreciate the fact that my daughter confided in me - I would NOT appreciate that she wants me to keep a secret from my husband, her daddy.

I would tell her that you and daddy don't keep secrets from each other. However, since you told me the truth about Janey not listening to daddy about the music and TV - I won't tell him about this...but you need to listen to daddy in the future. Thank you for telling me and thank you for trusting me.

To you - this isn't a deal breaker and daddy really doesn't **need** to know and if you go to visit a friend again - remind the girls that when daddy says TV OFF - it's TV off....that will be THEIR warning and daddy MIGHT get a clue. You haven't lost confidence, trust, etc.

When my parents divorced and it was just my mom, me and my sister left in the house.. Things changed..

Before then we could upset my dad and not even know what was coming. He was kind of a scary guy in our house.. Lots of yelling, lots of rules, lots of unexpected angry outburst.. and so it made us have lots of secrets.. it was kind of a survival thing. I am NOT saying this is your husband, just explaining what change was about to happen.

My mother told me and my sister. "from now on, things are going to be different. I need you to always tell me the truth.. I will make you a promise, if you tell me the truth, I will not be mad. I might be disappointed or my feelings may be hurt, but I will never be mad about the truth.. "

She has even to this day kept this promise to us. It has empowered me to be honest. to have no fear of just admitting my mistakes and bad choices.. also to accept that every one can make mistakes.

And so.. I think maybe if you tell your children that when they are told to do something.. It is for their sake. Not because you guys are the boss of them, but because you know what they need to be healthy and happy.

Also you are a family and will always love each other. And so you do not want to keep secrets from each other. Because secrets can hurt feelings and you know no one means to hurt anyone else feelings. Mom and dad do not keep secrets from each other because, you love each other too much.

The girls should go tell Dad they disobeyed and apologize. You shouldn't.

And to Mary J who "doesn't get it." It's pretty easy! The girls disobeyed their father. It doesn't matter if it was the TV, the homework, the dog, or curfew for older kids. They disobeyed. Needing TV to fall asleep and nightmares is not the point here. I am not being nasty about it, just stating the facts.
The point is that kids need to obey their parents, teachers, authority figures....and the fact that many never learned rules or consequences is one reason our society is so screwed up today.
In our house, as rules were obeyed and maturity was shown, the kids get more privileges and more freedom, but you have to start with the basics and see what kids are capable of.

In this mom's home (winwith...) the daughters are still working on following dad's directions and probably will have to earn their dad's trust before getting more privileges here. And that is what this is about.
; )

**I went back and read your post from October that he has long term depression, outbursts, is short tempered and has health problems (you felt he was at rock bottom)...I stick by my answer more than ever.

In my opinion, Cheryl nailed how to handle this situation and Laurie and Cheryl nailed it moving forward about being honest and listening.

There are not many things my daughter wanted to keep from her dad but not everything is relevant so I didn't have to share EVERYTHING in a play by play. Let them know you appreciate their honesty and from now on they need to listen to their dad.

Your husband would have found me staring at the walls listening to quiet music if that was his rule, I can't fall asleep without the television on. Sounds like a fun occasion for the girls, maybe Daddy could lighten up a bit and see other options besides quiet music in girls that age.

Added after thinking: If the girls are given a "free pass" on this one with the clear understanding that they need to listen (I dislike the word "obey"...maybe comply?) to their parents I think it will be just fine, it will be a learning experience. I even feel that this will make them feel comfortable coming to their parents in any situation (very important in my book) and understanding that consequences may be in order. They are learning how to make good choices and it is a growing process.

No, no, no. Never keep secrets from daddy. It undermines his authority with the kids, it demeans your relationship with him, and it sends the message to your kids that you are their peer not their parent.

Tell her that secrets are for things like birthday surprises and that she should not keep secrets from her parents, even if her sister or someone else told her to. That she told you probably means her conscience was bugging her, so she told the sympathetic parent. You might think about why she didn't want to tell Daddy....is it because he's more likely to get angry or because he was the one who said no. You might then talk to him first and say, "DD8 has something to talk to you about and I need you to be calm about it."

Tell your children that you and Daddy are a team, and you don't keep secrets from each other except at Christmas and birthdays. Explain to them that family members need to be able to trust one another, even when they're asleep. They wouldn't be worrying about Dad finding out if they had done what he asked them to do, and let the TV-watching wait until the next day. They need to tell him themselves. Daddy will be disappointed, but he's certainly not going to write them out of his will or anything.

This is a great opportunity to talk about this matter in general. It won't be long before your girls are doing things with their friends and there will be lots of opportunities to evade their parents' wishes and keep it secret - or choose to be open with them.

I dont get it. Just because they turned the tv on. I cannot fall asleep without the tv/. I had nightmares as a kid. If that what soothes them, whats the big deal. Sounds like you all are creating scared little girls that they are gonna get in trouble for everything.

I think in this case, I would tell her that you will let daddy know, and come up with a punishment for what they did (disobeying dad), together. It's important for them to know that mom and dad are a couple, a partnership and it's not kids and mom against dad or kids and dad against mom.
It is important to let them know what things they can tell you that WON'T tell dad. My daughter knew that I would not tell my husband when she got her period, that if she told me about her first kiss that I would not share this with dad or that if she ever needed to go for an abortion and didn't want him to know, I would not tell him. And I wouldn't. I would never say I would not tell him something and then go and tell. But she does know that if, for instance, she gets a speeding ticket once she gets her license in a few months, or if I find out that she got drunk at a party, I will not keep that sort of information from him.

Tell your 8yd old that you don't keep secrets from Daddy but are pleased that she confided in you and you will NOT tell her big sister that she told you. Reminder her that it was wrong to watch tv after Daddy said not too even though big sis turned the tv on.

Then quietly let hubby know that your oldest is a bit sneaky. If you know what she was watching you could make some comment in front of her about how "I heard XXX was good last night...did you see it?" And even if she doesn't fess up, she may give herself away verbally or with a certain look...either way, she will have some clue you may know.

absolutely i would tell him. unfortunately if they "learn" to keep secrets better after this, so be it. in reality it's not hurting anyone that they watched more tv. BUT i think it would be far more detrimental to your family dynamic for them to think you will keep secrets like this from hubby.

if you really want to be mean maybe get onto them and make her come clean to dad....just a thought. you could tell her that you don't keep secrets from dad and if she is not willing to be honest with him, you will have to tell him. give her the choice whether you tell him or she does...not sure i'd do that but it just popped into my head...lol.

I think it just depends on what it is. There were things growing up that my mom did not tell my dad because he would have either totally overreacted (he had a short temper) or it would have been really embarrassing (like getting my period for the first time - which she probably did tell him without my knowledge but told him not to say anything to me). There were things that I would not have told my mom at all if I knew she was going to tell my dad too. My daughter is 4 and asked me once not to tell Daddy that she accidentally pooped her pants because she was embarrassed by it - so I didn't, because there was no need for him to know (and he's not the type to overreact either). But I also understand not keeping secrets from Dad and not letting kids think they can just get away with stuff, especially if they deliberately disobeyed him. I would probably let her know that you are glad that she was honest with you and that you are going to have to think things over as to best handle this. Let them know that parents don't keep secrets from each other but as they get older you will respect their privacy - it's kind of a gray area but I guess it depends on how you think Dad will react to this and if you both think it's really that big a deal that they turned the TV back on. They were allowed to sleep in the living room and the temptation probably got to them, so at the least I would let them know there won't be any more sleeping in the living room for a while if they can't listen to you guys and follow the rules. Maybe a week without any TV at all for the both of them would be an appropriate consequence.

Ditto to Cheryl O.

I think she nailed it!

explain to her that daddy and you dont keep secrets and that you dont want her to keeps secrets either. Tell her that she wont be in trouble for turning the tv on bc she couldnt sleep but to not keep secrets bc you want her to always be safe. You love her and have her and you talk to daddy and have her understand that secrets are not to be kept but if she was trying to keep it a secret for fear she would get in trouble reassure her that she is not in trouble but to next time not turn the tv back on if she cant sleep just lie there and listen to the music.

Tell daddy. She needs to know that you and dad are a united front. You don't want her to pit you against husband.
L.

she thinks she is going to get into trouble for turning the tv on. since dad was the one who made the rule then dad would be the one upset that it was broken. let her know how your going to handle it.

Issue a consequence and be done with it.