Should I Tell My Husband Our Daughter Is Having Sex?

Apparently I'm going to be the dissenting opinion and say that it's not of her father's business. There is zero reason that she has to tell him. "An adult decision needs to face the adult consequences of talking to her father"? I'm sorry, but I'm 33, and have been sexually active for a LONG time. At no time ever do I intend to sit down with my father and discuss my sex life. I'd love to know how many people on this thread have discussed their sex lives with their father. Yes, 15 is young, but she is trusting you to talk to about it. You are taking her to the doctor, in theory she is using protection. Her father knowing adds nothing to the equation.

I don't think it is any of her dad's business unless she wants to tell him. She told you, I think that is enough.

You are not disappointed that 15 yr old who is making a decision to have sex? Good grief, that's a huge decision for a child to be making.

You don't want to lie to your hubby? Then wait a few months and introduce his grandchild to him.

You are 9 months away from being a grandmother. Get prepared now.

No 15yr old should be making a decision like this. The ones I know who chose this route became mothers before their 18th birthday. Getting pregnant or an STD does not discriminate between honor students and non honor students.

i'm clutching my head over the phrase 'i don't like lying but i don't want to lose my daughter's trust.'
but it's okay to lie to your husband and violate HIS trust, i guess.
lying immediately makes you untrustworthy.
that being said, i'm really glad your daughter trusts you enough to be truthful with you. i myself would be disappointed in a 15 year old having sex (having been one, i know how potentially damaging it can be) but since it IS her choice, at least she's being responsible.
my kids know that they can never put me in a position of having to lie. it's a dilemma- we want to be a safe place for them, always, but when it requires lying to the other parent, it's a truly prickly problem. i'm glad i wasn't faced with this particular one.
my position would be the same it is for any other situation of this type. 'honey, i'm glad you came to me with this. your honesty and responsibility are a credit to you, even if i don't necessarily agree with your choice. it's up to you whether or not to tell your father. i can tell you that i won't bring it up to him- but if for some reason he asks me directly, i will be honest with him, as you know. we don't lie to each other. so it's your gamble- if you want it to come from you, i will help you and be there for you when you do, and be the buffer if he gets angry. if you'd still prefer he not know at all, we can let it ride. but know that while i won't be the one to open the conversation, i will not lie to cover for you if the rubber meets the road, and he'll justifiably be angry with both of us for not being upfront with him. your call.'
khairete
S.

Yes, I'd tell my husband. If your family is open enough that he will ask, I'd get in front of it and let him know that you are being proactive. If she's old enough to have sex she's old enough to deal with the momentary discomfort of an honest conversation with both of you. Pregnancy often results in unintentional, uncomfortable situations. Let her prove to you that she's 'old enough'.

Your daughter is not the only 15 year old in this world having sex. It's rather naive of others to think that your daughter's choices are so shocking. I am glad that she trusts you enough to tell you. Bringing her to the doctor is a good idea and I like that you told her that she can choose to stop having sex at any time. But seriously, it's sad, but there are TONS of high schoolers out there having sex... and they do it in their own beds while their parents are gone, regardless of what rules their parents have set for them.

Anyway, as for her father, I think you need to tell your daughter that you will not bring it up with him or initiate the conversation, but that you will tell him the truth if he asks. You cannot lie to him, as you are violating his trust and it is more likely to cause problems down the road. I wouldn't force her to tell him now though. He probably is happier not knowing.

I strongly urge you to put her on some kind of birth control besides condoms. They just aren't reliable enough and there are way too many people who think you can skip it "just this once." 15 year olds are often embarrassed to buy them, don't want to stop to put one on, etc. Have the doctor work out a plan for your daughter that puts HER in charge and where she's not relying on a boyfriend's use of a condom to prevent pregnancy (though you should still encourage her to use them to prevent STDs).

Ditto what TF said. I'm sure she's a great kid, but she did not make a good choice. I know there are some harsh answers but I think the feeling is that you are underreacting to this situation and putting too much stock in the fact that she's an honor student and her bf is nice. I have a 15 yo daughter as well, amazing kid. If she made this choice of course I would be devastated. Doesn't mean I love her less- she wouldn't be a bad person but she would have made a bad choice. So I'm sure you're hurt/offended by the answers but they come from concerned place...

As far as what to do now, I would tell her that you are not okay lying to her father, your husband. Tell her you aren't running to him this second, but that he needs to know soon, and would she rather tell him or you tell him?

I really do understand your dilemma, I have thought about this myself- my husband would FREAK about something like this. I would be disappointed, concerned, etc., etc., but I can keep it together and would not want to prevent my DD from telling me things in the future. But in the end, when my husband found out that I kept this from him (and he will find out), that would be worse damage. You're in a tough spot. If you do tell your husband, you need to explain to him how blowing up will damage his relationship with your daughter, and perhaps all of you. If he can learn to handle tough info, it will show your daughter that you both can be trusted. Good luck.

Well are you your daughter's friend first, or her mother?

Fifteen is pretty young. I'd be upset. I have a 14 year old and the thought of him having sex .. or expecting him to be responsible with condoms ... he doesn't even make his bed most days.

I never know what being on honor roll means with regards to sex. I see that come up on here whenever moms talk about their teens having sex. I was on the honor roll and I smoked pot.

If it were me, I'd have a talk to your daughter about waiting. Because 15 is really young to be having sex. I know if I had done it at 15, I would have regretted it later. Wouldn't you? I can't think of too many women I am friends with who wishes that we'd done it younger.

ETA: Sorry .. that doesn't really answer your question. I guess I was just surprised by the I'm not disappointed part of your question. Would I tell my husband? I guess I tend to feel that we're parents together. I would be upset so yes, I'd like to have his support. That way, if I was the one to deal with it, at least he'd be backing me up.

welcome to mamapedia!!

You're NOT disappointed?? SHE IS FIFTEEN YEARS OLD!!! That's not wise and responsible!! WTH?!! Are you serious???

It's great that she is talking to you. BUT - you need to tell her that you will NOT lie to your husband for her. If she is proud of what she is doing? She has no reason to lie or hide her decisions, right?

Personally? I would tell my 15 year old daughter that I am TRULY disappointed in her choice. Nothing but abstinence is fool proof. What will she do if she gets pregnant??

She did NOT make a responsible decision/choice. If she did? She would NOT be having sex. I'm sorry. I STRONGLY disagree with your statement of her being "very responsible".

You need to let your daughter know that you will not be lying to her father at all. If you husband asks you what you know, you have to be honest with him. You can't be in the business of keeping secrets from him or lying to him. There's no way that that won't end badly.

You can encourage her to talk to him and help her think about what she wants to say and how she wants to say it.

Her father is going to be disappointed. There's nothing you can do about that. Personally, I would be disappointed, too. I waited until I was much, much older, and I'm really glad I did. It's hard to explain that to a 15 year old, but in addition to the possibility of getting pregnant or contracting an std, sex comes with a whole butt load of emotions that teenagers are simply not ready for. I don't care how nice the boyfriend is or how responsible they are (academically or otherwise). Emotional maturity comes with time. There's no way to speed it up, and there's no way that a teenager is ready for the emotional consequences of being sexually active. It's just too soon.

Every once in awhile I come across a post and I'm like, wow! This is one of those times. You're not your daughter's BFF. You're her mother. You and your husband are supposed to be a team and co-parent. Instead you would rather be a good friend to your daughter. Your husband has his hands full with you two and doesnt even know it. The boyfriend is a teenage boy who was looking for a girl who will put out. He found your daughter. If you have to hide having sex, then you shouldn't be having it. I guarantee this will not end well. Her focus should not be having sex and a mother who approves. That's crazy. I'm assuming she's in the 9th grade. Maybe 10th. She will be pregnant before she's out of HS, and be dealing with either raising a child , adoption, or termination. "Not disappointed". Wow. Just wow. Yes tell your husband. Someone needs to step in on behalf of your child and be the adult.

Well, if I were you: You should tell your daughter that she is too young and that you think she needs to wait till she is older before she has sex again. Also, make sure she goes to the gynocologist and knows she is at risk for pregnancy and STDs. Also tell her that you and her Dad are a team and that you do not keep secrets from each other. That she needs to tell her dad herself or else you can do it for her if she wants. Tell her you love her and are honored that she talks to you about these things, but that this time in life she needs to focus more on school, activities, and sports and less on her boyfriend. She is still a child. Personally, I would talk to her boyfriend's parents and I would have a strict talk with the boyfriend too. I would keep her very busy in sports, activities, and camps and try to keep a good handle on where she is at all times from now on.

There is nothing responsible about the choice to have sex at 15. Perhaps that is the reason your husband reacts as he does. When you have one spouse under reacting the only other position is overreacting.

My daughters weren't allowed to date at 15 of course the adult one didn't think dating made sense until college so that was a stupid rule in my house. Still if either of them said I was having sex at that age I would tell them how disappointed I was in their poor choices, much like what I am sure your husband will.

Tell your husband because it isn't likely you will be able to hide the baby from him. Any child stupid enough to make this choice is also stupid enough to go oh, you don't have a condom, just this once what will it hurt. 9 months later you are a grandma

Hopefully her BF is not only nice but is prepared to be a father too.

Tell your daughter now that you will not lie to your husband.

15 yo having sex seems like such a bad idea to me. You are really not disappointed? SMH

Just curious...where are they having sex? My then 16 yo daughter's BF was only allowed over when we were home and she was not allowed to go to his house unless his parents were home.

Oh good grief. Of course you should have been shocked, disappointed and concerned about her choices. This isn't like she decided to have a coke instead of milk with lunch! Believe it or not having sex IS A BIG DEAL!

Did her boyfriend pressure her to have sex? I'm sad for your daughter. I'm not going to get into all of the "sex only after marriage" but your daughter made an adult decision as a child. There are ramifications from things like that. And you're worried more about your husband's reactions than your daughters.

You need to tell your husband and then you BOTH need to have a conversation with your daughter. You can't close that barn door now. Get her on birth control and supervise her closer with the boyfriend. I don't care if she is a honor student. She will be MOM if you don't get her attention.

Mistake? Bad choices? Are you kidding me? Yeah, having sex at 15 is a mistake and a bad choice. Stop being her friend and be her mother before you have the new title of grandmother.

To me, it really depends upon your relationship with your husband and whether or not he would want to be privy to this information. I handled pretty much all sex talks with my kids, because husband isn't very comfortable with things like that, and to tell you the truth I'm not sure he would have wanted to know, had I been in your situation. So in my case, I might not have. Imo as long as one parent handles the discussions and doctor visits, I don't think it necessarily needs to be shared. My kids didn't have sex at a young age, so it wasn't an issue anyway.

Your inclination to "protect" your daughter from her dad to the point you would lie to your husband speaks volumes. Do you not think he will feel you've betrayed him in addition to his daughter? As others have stated, you are supposed to be raising her as a "team". She may not like what your husband has to say, but he's still her dad and she needs to hear him.

My kids know we are a team. If my daughter came to me and wanted me to keep information from my husband, I would sympathize with her and let her know that if she's having that hard of a time telling him, maybe it's not the right decision. Either way, if you're adult enough to have sex, you're adult enough to face your dad. Good grief! My husband is a bit more laid back than I am. The quickest way to put a wedge between us is if he withheld potentially life changing information from me because he was afraid of the way I would handle it. That is unfair on so many levels. She needs to be told she's playing with fire. If he "overreacts" the way you say, GOOD! She needs to see that her decisions have consequences for everyone in the family.

I hope you tell him for your marriage's sake.

What I keep wondering is how did your husband talk to her about sex in the first place? Did you have the sex talk with your daughter as a united couple or did you talk to her on your own?

Because honestly, if you are the only parent that had the sex talk with her then that is why she is confiding in you and not seeing you and your husband as a "untied front" on this topic.

If he wasn't "adult enough" to discuss with her the male point of view regarding intimacy of a relationship, physical vs. emotional connections, and how to value her sexuality then why in the world would anybody expect the 15 year-old to be more adult then her own father and tell him she had sex?

Clearly maybe if HE had she may not be in this position now.

I think it's pretty sad most people who have responded have a higher expectation of the 15 year old girl then her adult father.

This is when girls need their fathers the most, yet it seems this is when they get abandoned the most.

I think this is a wake up call for your husband (and yourself) that he needs to start validating his daughter more, and that you may need to step up to show him how.

Please don't abandon your daughter.

If he has "rights" to know about her sex life, then perhaps he should make the first move to go talk to her about it instead of a scared 15 year old girl going to him. Stop letting him off the hook in his parenting responsibilities.

You are her mother, but you are also her first role model for a healthy marriage. The two of you need to talk to dad. She made an adult decision to have sex so she needs to deal with this as an adult.

Added: to Kim O.--so this means you would not care if your husband kept the info from you that your 15 yr old son is sexually active?? That would not be a good move in my house.

Your daughter is not responsible. She's having sex at 15. She's not making good choices.

I have 4 boys. They know I will NOT lie for or to them. The only secrets we keep are presents.

I do not understand how your family operates. How can you have any trust in the family unit if there are secrets?? It sounds to me as if your family needs counseling. You state your husband overreacts to everything? Well, maybe he wouldn't if he was included and not lied to.

You guys really need to learn how to talk and communicate. This is ridiculous.

You are worried he will 'overreact'???? Maybe thats what she needs/needed. It's important for her dad to know and talk to her about the male views on sex at this age.

A lot of times when girls are having sex at this age is because they are lacking the father daughter relationship. My thoughts are that you should go to dinner with him and tell him, then have him talk to your daughter about it. This way he won't 'overreact' in a completely negative way if thats what your afraid of.

tell her she needs to tell dad.
as for a 15 year old having sex, maybe i'm living under a rock but it's shocking to me. their bodies are not fully developed, brain even less, chances of her getting pregnant are high.

Regardless of everyone's opinions on here (and even your own and your husband's), your daughter is having sex and it's your reality.

As for your husband, some things are shared between a mother and daughter and need to be held by that bond you have. You seem to be having lots of communication with her - keep it up. And be sure that she keeps up with her birth control.

You and she need to make a decision about her dad. I personally feel that if she is old enough to have sex, she is mature enough to answer truthfully when her father questions her about it. You will be there to diffuse the situation. It's done, it's happening and it's not going to stop - you need to embrace it (not like it) and keep the conversation open.

Good luck!!

here go my 2 cents:::

1. 15 is WAY WAY WAY WAY TOO YOUNG for boyfriends and sex.
2. I think he'll figure it out when he's paying for diapers and formula and childcare and the rest of the, how much does it cost to raise a child these days, not including college (which your daughter is gambling away by risking pregnancy)? .... $250,000.00 to support his daughter while she "raises" his grandchild.

You are handling this just right. Get her to the doctor so she can be tested for STDs and get on birth control, get her some condoms and make sure she knows the proper way to use them, and then trust her to make smart choices. I also agree with keeping this from your husband, it is her personal information to share or not share, just be so thankful she is talking to you and getting good accurate advice rather then looking to her friends or the internet.

As to anyone saying it is not fair to not tell your husband, it is her private business. My husband and I have talked to our kids and they know that when and if they have questions or they start having sex they can go to whichever parent they feel most comfortable with and that we will respect their privacy and their choice of who to tell/talk to. 15 is young, but I know girls who have started much younger, it is what it is. I am glad you did not act disappointed or mad, that would only make her no longer feel comfortable talking to you. Sex is normal and healthy and teenagers will experiment with it, they always have and they always will, be glad she is being smart about it by coming to you and getting tested and on birth control.

As a Mom of a 15 year old daughter, I say that the trust between you and your daughter should come first. That relationship is SO important, there are so many things yet to come and for me the idea of violating the trust we have would be devastating. My daughter tells me many things I wish I didn't have to hear but, I am glad I do GET to hear them. She trusts me and trusts that I will guide her and not judge. I would explain that you are not comfortable lying to your spouse and, if he ever asked the direct question you would refer him back to her. She has to learn how to be accountable and deal the uncomfortable stuff. Her relationship with her Dad is hers and I think she should get to decide what works for her.
Btw...kudos to YOU. Sounds like my daughter and I have the same sort of relationship. I LOVE that she comes to me, that we openly discuss things. Seems like most of my daughters friends see "Mom" as a dictator and hide and lie way more than they should have to. I am of the same mid-set that kids are going to make mistakes and it is our job to guide them when they do!

If you keep this secret and your husband finds out, he will consider that neither of you have been honest with him. Worry about his trust too! You're a partnership for your daughter. He has a right to know what is going on with her and if he overreacts maybe she needs to see how much he cares. Your relationship with your husband and your marriage are of great importance. Children grow up and move on with their lives, you hopefully will be with your spouse for many years. Don't consider leaving him out of this very important time in her life.

Perhaps she should have more supervision so that these kind of decisions come at a time when she is older and more mature.