Momma Is Dragging Me Down

She is not picking up on your hints, so the next best thing is to kindly be direct.
"You know Sally..it seems like you only want to talk about your divorce. I think I need a break and I will let you know when I'm ready for you to confide in me again. So for now let's take a break from it and talk about other things".
Odds are once you stick to this, and she finds she can't vent to you, she will find another ear to listen.

As far as your child, the next time you see her child bullying yours I would address it directly to her and kindly say, "I want the kids to take a break from each other until this bullying is over". And then keep them separate.

This person doesn't want to solve her problems, she wants to stay a victim. When you start making her accountable for her role in the problem, it will force her to take action which she does not want to do and then she will start to avoid you.
Just do it kindly to avoid any backlash since you will still run into her at school functions.

Don't engage. I know how incredibly hard that is.

You say, "I'm so sorry for your troubles, Debbie, but I have my own issues. I suggest you call your physician or pastor for a referral to a counselor to sort this out with a professional." DO NOT elaborate on your issues - she tells her own story freely, and she'll tell yours!

Bullying - just take your child out of the situation. Say, "Debbie, friendships among kids come and go. I think our kids have found other friends and don't have as much in common with your little Billy. That's okay - kids do this all the time."

Walk away. Fake a phone call. Pretend the phone is on "vibrate" and say, "Sorry, I've got to take this. I've been waiting all day for it." And talk to the invisible, non-existent friend or doctor or business contact on the other end of the line!

Don't get to the pick-up line any earlier than you have to. It's fine to walk away while she disciplines her child - just say to your child, "Come on, Johnny - Billy and his mom need to talk privately. And I need to talk to you." Don't draw it out. Just go. Get in the car. Drive away. Give a wave and a cheery, "Gotta go! Take care!"

If you cannot walk away because you're stuck in a line, don't engage. Let her rant, look distracted, say "Uh huh" but not that often. Say "I wish you well but I cannot help you."

It sounds like you realize you have let your husband run over you emotionally as well as financially. Perhaps the same thing has caused you to let this woman run over you emotionally as well. That would be a good thing to work on in your own counseling.

Some people just suck you into their drama. Usually the people who claim they hate drama but are actually the dramatic ones.

Can you just be honest with her? Tell her 'You know you seem to have a lot of issues going on in your life and seriously I don't think I can help you. Maybe you need to take to a therapist to work through everything because you seem to be stuck at the same point you've been since your hubby moved out.Rehashing this over and over with me doesn't do either of us any good.' After that when she starts say 'Still not a therapist' and disengage.

She'll stop with you and move on to some other sucker probably bad mouthing you for being a bed friend but that's ok. Sometimes you have to be a bad friend because you and your family are more important than her issues.

Bless your heart. This is all really hard.

You have to be honest with her NOW. You have to tell her that you can no longer have these conversations with her. You need to distance from her marital problems. You don't mean to hurt her feelings, but you cannot take it anymore, that it's making you depressed and you can't afford to feel this way. You are sorry for her, but you have to put the oxygen mask on your self first before helping others. And right now, you are having trouble getting enough oxygen.

Tell her that you hope she will respect your wishes. Don't apologize. Don't offer ANY explanation about your own marriage. Don't get into a bargaining session with her. If she says she doesn't have anyone to talk to, tell her to go to a counselor or her pastor.

Don't try to "get it across to her" that her husband isn't the only reason her son is a problem. It will fall on deaf ears and just make her dig in her heels more that the world is against her. When you are no longer seeing her, you won't have to worry about what she thinks.

I would not bring out the potty mouth with her son. You can be tough with him, but not inappropriate, no matter how angry you are. Go to the school and tell the counselor and teacher that you want your son to be separated from him. Tell them about the bullying.

You do not have to be her friend anymore, Mom. You just don't have to be. When you see her at school, nod and smile and walk away. Try to find another gym time, or find a place to work out that there is no room for her to be close to you. Wear headphones so that you have an excuse not to talk.

Unless there are qualities in this woman which make you want to continue to be friends with her - which it does not sound like is the case, from your writing - then I think your best bet is just to disengage, ignore her, try to tune her out.

The posts below about talking to this woman and asking her to chat about different topics are very nice, but I just think that seems like wasting too much thought/breath/energy on a person who is not worth it.

If she unavoidably sees you and starts talking, just look distracted, say little things like "hmmm". Don't turn it into a conversation.

As for the children, try to keep your children away from hers, and let the teacher handle situations that arise at school where they have to be together.

Why do you have to deal with her daily? Just wondering if you both aren't hanging around school too much. Parents don't really need to gather and wait around in the pick up area or linger at drop off to socialize. I would consider giving the kids a little more independence in their school world and not by physically being right there in the parent circle. Change up your family's routine before and/or after school if at all possible. If you simply cannot volunteer in a role that is not directly near her, consider stepping back and spending more time behind the scenes or in other pursuits. Slip in to school activities just a little later and sit in the back, away from her so she doesn't make a bee-line to sit with you. You can't stop HER from going to an exercise class that's become part of her routine, I think that genie is out of the bottle, but you can find another place, another class. Lesson learned, don't tell her your schedule, be vague if she asks. See the friends you value one-on-one at lunches or on your own terms that you plan and organize.

I don't think she is going to do anything to stop her son's behavior, so you have to stop clinging to that expectation that she can or will do something to change it. It seems her focus is not on taking steps to correct her own child's negative behaviors. She's in blaming mode. Your son also, does NOT have to be anywhere the young bully is outside of school. I would not be hosting or accepting playdate invites. No carpools, just no. Encourage your son to talk to his teacher or trusted adults at the school if that boy's behavior becomes unacceptable. Tell him to say loudly, "do not touch me!" if he gets physical again, hopefully loud enough to catch the attention of the nearest adult in charge. Also do not share his planned activities with this mom so she doesn't end up following to sign her kid up for the same things your son is involved in.

If you just can't avoid her all of the time, don't engage her drama. Change the subject. What started out as you probably trying to be nice and a good listener or advice giver, has just gotten out of control, and it sounds like she one of those who enjoys a lot of "venting"
Good luck!

My in-laws bond over venting and I get how draining/toxic it can be.

Next time she does it, you listen for a little bit, but then you don't engage. You don't tell her about your marriage, you don't vent, you don't relate. As you say, it screws with your head about how you feel about your own marriage, and it's disrespectful to your husband.

You just change the topic. You can ask her something positive about her life.

You will dread seeing her less because you're in control of what you say and how you engage with her. You simply don't offer anything back. You can be pleasant, but don't engage in the ex-bashing. Just say "I'm sorry that's happening .. hopefully you can figure out a solution to that".

If you're doing playdates together, etc. just encourage your daughter to play with others for the time being.

You may not be able to do this gently.
She might latch onto you with a choke hold as she drowns in her drama.

I think it helps to realize when we are in over our head.
I would not be able to handle her problems - I'm not qualified.
I don't have the psychology degree, a heap of diplomas hanging on my wall or a license to practice medicine/therapy.

As much as you have wanted to help - I don't think you're qualified either.
Tell her you are overwhelmed and you think her best course of action is to talk all this out with a therapist.
After that - beyond basic polite chit chat (weather, traffic, sports) - you disengage when ever she brings up stuff you can't handle.

I'd also consider moving my kids out from the classrooms that her kids are in.
There is no reason they have to be classmates.
You can't fix her or her kids - you can keep your kids safe.
And if you need permission - you have mine - to let your potty mouth have free reign the next time her kid lays a hand on yours.

Next time she starts, interrupt her and say something like "I sympathize with your situation, but there is nothing I can do to help so let's focus on the good things in our lives when we come here. This exercise class is great. I love the ab workout that this trainer does."

If she comes back with "Talking to you helps me, I need to vent" respond with "That's what your therapist is for, you need to vent to her, not to me. I'm here to work out and stay positive." Then change the subject back to the workout again.

Do this every time.

By the way, this drama aside, I'm glad you are enjoying the gym! Good for you for sticking with it!

Why do you need to deal with her daily at school, do you work there together? If not just drop off and pick up your kids and go. There's no reason to even get out of your car.
Stop responding to her calls and texts if she can't take a hint.
Of course it's harder to avoid her when you're working out in the same room but if you get there right when class starts and leave when it's over, again, you will avoid the chit chat.
If she continues to hound you you're going to simply have to be blunt but hopefully she will take a hint.

I guess I would tell her that you feel there is nothing you can do for her and her situation and that she'd be better off talking to a therapist at this point. Then change the subject and try to have normal, light-hearted conversations but if not, I would try to distance myself or keep the conversations between the two of you very brief, maybe be a social butterfly and spend some time talking to other people around rather than just giving her your undivided attention. You can also focus the conversations you do have with her on the kids, rather than her crumbling marriage and her anger towards her ex. Don't comment on anything. I have a male friend that is doing this to me now. At first I was fine being his shoulder to cry on but after over 2 months of moping around about this woman who abuses him and him refusing to cut off contact because he says it feels like grieving a death (even though they only dated 3 months), I stopped contacting him.

I guess I wanted to also see how long it'd take him to come around and remember me and used this as a test. It gets tiresome to hear the same stories over and over, and every time I try to cheer him up or change the subject, he does it again. I can barely get a word in but when I do, I tell him to stop talking to this woman who constantly insults him and calls him all hours of the day and night to curse him out, but he refuses so I am tired of talking to a wall. I am also tired of hearing how all women are evil, psychos and gold-diggers, I feel like I am being lumped into that group and I take offense to that, considering I have never disrespected him and have paid for things for myself, and for both of us. He used to be a fun, happy guy who'd keep in touch often and ask about me too. Now all his conversations are about him and this woman, and he only reaches out to me whenever they have a new argument so I am feeling used.

Are you feeling used by this woman as well? It almost feels like this lady is doing the same to you, wanting a free therapist, someone to unload her anger on. She never wants to go to just a movie with you and laugh and move on, she just wants to keep rehashing her relationship issues and keep moping. I would tell her that you're sorry for what she is going through but, your own marriage is rocky and you must focus on your husband and family and spend time with them. You also tell her that you will not comment on this man you know nothing about and she is on her own when it comes to the hubby-bashing. If she wants to unwind by going out to lunch or a movie sometime that is fine, but neither of you will talk about your private life, you will keep that private, and find other topics of conversation, and your time together must be limited due to family. If she needs to unload, I would tell her perhaps she should seek out a divorced women's support group, a member of the clergy or a therapist to talk about her issues and find a way to move on, but you're not qualified and cannot offer the help she needs.