Mom's Expectations of a Working Dad

J.,
It looks like lots of mamas identify with our situation. My husband works from HOME and it still happens.
This is what we do:
Two nights each week I have yoga/zoomba classes. This is daddy/baby time. I usually have something made or prepped for dad to make for dinner and I go to class at 5:30. I am home by 7:45, just in time for bed. Daddy has fed, bathed and played with his boy.

I was also feeling like he didn't "care' enough or understand how special his child is.

My guess is that your husband's job is a busy one -- and that it is full almost all the time, and then highly stressful and even more time-consuming in spurts. I also assume it was like this before your son was born ?

The fact that he has a good job allows you the ability to stay home, rather than pay a babysitter and work yourself. There are lots of moms in this world who don't have the choices you have, so while you have a concern about his time at home (or lack of it), there are other moms who would be very jealous of the gift he's given you by having such a good job and income.

When he gets home, how does he spend his time ? Does he turn on the TV and ignore you and your son, or does he then take the time to hold the little guy and chat with you, and participate in family life ?

When my kids were little, 6 months and even less, I was a working mom, with a fairly high pressure job, and my husband is the one who picked the girls up at daycare. He got the stories of what they did today, and the "fun stuff", and by the time I got home, most of that had been digested. So I got the bedtime chores. Sometimes I really wished I got home first, so I could have the time to chat with the babysitter and hear about the day, but he usually filled me in.

One of the things that can easily get lost when there are wee ones in the house, is the, "Hi Hon, How was your day?" kind of thing -- when you both worked, you probably both shared the ups and downs of the days together after getting home. With only him working, and with you worrying about how much time or how little time he is spending with his son, are you remembering to ask him about HIS day, and help him unwind a little. Who cares if he talks to you while holding his son ? The little guy will be soaking up daddy time at this point, listening to big people words, and learning language while Dad holds him and talks to you.
And, frankly, after a stressful day at work, baby-holding can be a wonderful release-- because at least for now, all your son's problems are pretty much confined to the house. When he's in school and the problems are "out there" it's a whole lot harder. So, at this point, ask about his day, get info from him to affirm your relationship to each other every day, and then share your day, which, of course, includes the little successes and new skills your son has accomplished. Remember that what is most important for a healthy child is that his parents have a healthy relationship. and, yes, Dad is missing out on so much of his son's life, but someone has to bring home the bacon . . . and if you want to eat, and you want a happy husband, he needs to be using his talents and skills, too, and my guess is that he really loves his job, draining as it can be at times. As long as he is involved with his son when he is home, that's what's mnost important.

Hi J.,

Please don't take offense to my response, but here goes: You should be thankful that your husband 1. has a job that provides for you and your family without you having to work and 2. that he's willing to do whatever it takes to provide for you and your family. Yes, he is missing important milestones regarding your son, but if you needed to work, you would both miss out on them. What's important is when he is home, does he spend quality time with your son? In this economy a job is a wonderful thing to have. Take it from a full-time working mom whose husband has been out of work for 7 months so far. Now I'm the one missing our 5 yo, but I know I need to work to keep food on the table, a roof over our heads, etc. I hate it, but it has to be done. Have you thought that maybe your husband hates being away from home and feels guilty enough without you adding to it? Please be thankful that he is working and willing to work...(Sorry to sound harsh, but I get envious of sahm who don't know how lucky they are.)

I know how you feel. I would suggest seeing if you could pick one day a week that your husband would commit to spending time with the two of you or just the baby to give you some time to yourself. I would also suggest joining a Moms club. You can go to momsclub.org . You can email them where you live and they will email you the contact person for that area. I am in charge of membership for the Langhorne chapter. It is great- you can join a playgroup and spend time with other moms in your situation. We also have holiday parties, fundraisers etc. I think the key is getting out and staying busy! Good luck!

I too am a SAHM. There are many days that my husband works 13-14 hrs. On the days that he does come home at 5:30 he naps until dinner. I am telling you this to let you know that you are not alone. I have spoken to my husband about this a few times. I know that this is something that he has to do for me to be able to stay home. You have to be careful nowadays...he is so lucky to even have a job. God forbid he cut back his hours and they found someone willing to do it all.

Do you at least have weekends together? We don't always here, but when we do it helps. I know that it is very lonely and tiring by yourself at home. I also understand that you would like him to spend more time with his son. For now i would just tell you to cherish every minute you guys do have with him.

Funny that as i am typing my husband calls and says he has to stay late. I do hate it, there is just not much i can do about it. I am so sorry that you are frustrated and i could not be more help.

As you've gathered, this is a fairly universal problem. My perspective on this is that babies are not very interesting to men. When the baby turns into a toddler and they can play and he can understand baby's needs a little more he'll be around more. At this point, I think YOU are the one who needs some attention. Being stuck in the house all day with a 6 month old is hard work too-- harder than working (I've done both)! I think there should be one or 2 days that he commits to being home by X time-- a reasonable time to preserve his job, but honestly, there is 1 day a week he can leave by 6 or so, right? Likewise, on weekend, he needs to make an effort to spend time with y'all. The challenge (for me) was to be the kind of person he WANTED to spend time with, and especially with the baby. It was so hard for me to see him doing stuff "wrong" with the baby and I probably wasn't as nice as I could be. It seems to me that somehow the burden of preserving the relationship (and fostering the relationship between dad and baby) somehow always falls on the mom. Which sucks, but you can be "right" or you can be happy.

In short, this will get better. But make sure you are communicating your expectations to him, and encourage him to share his feelings with you.

J., when my daughter was a baby, my husband hardly saw her during the week, for about 6 months...from she would be asleep when he would leave at 7 AM, and asleep when he would come home after 8 PM.

When she was about 18 months old, he switched jobs. y kids are older now, and he usually is home by 7:15, which is better than 8:15 or later.

I work, too, part-time, but I'm still the primary parent when it comes to almost anything regarding our kids. I wish he were available more, but at the same time, I am thankful he has his job. Sometimes it's actually easier when he's not home--my kids and I have our own routine! Shh! Don't tell him I said that! :)

it is tough! my husband has spurts of time where he is working non-stop and he always says that he hates missing out on our son's life. when he acknowledges it on his own without my having to say anyting i am completely understanding about his having to work. but if he doesn't mention anything and i start to feel like work is his first priority, i will make comments that let him know that i don't like his priorities. it usually ends up in an argument b/c it offends him, so that's not the answer BUT i understand what you're going through... the other posters are right in that he should come around as your son gets older. it's harder for men when it comes to the baby thing. my mom always told me, when the baby is small, it's mom's job to take care of the baby and dad's job to take care of mom :-) when your son starts walking and talking, dad should come around, if he doesn't then i would start to worry.

Good luck ~ it's just another adjustment that comes along with this love and marriage thing!! if you can talk about, that's always the best, but not everyting is an easy subject - and this is one of those things... :-)

Hi J.,
First of all--I feel your pain. I've been a SAHM with our 3 for the last 4+ years due to the incredibly high cost of childcare. Unfortunately, that has meant my hubby has been forced into working outrageous hours to make up for the income I cannot work (normally 65, but up to 96 hrs/week). I have more than my share of "single parent" weeks and it gets beyond exhausting at times even though the girls are old enough now to do a lot for themselves.

The things that need looked at in your situation are these: 1) Does your hubby have someone who can cover for him inorder for him to come home by 6 p.m. each evening? If not, can he request that he put in longer days some days and get an extra day off in the middle somehow? 2) Is his pay salary or hourly? If he is hourly, can your family afford for him to work only a 40 hr week? If it's salary, does he have a clause in his contract that states anything about him leaving work after so many hours have been put in? 3) Is it possible for him to find a job that will allow him more freedom to spend time with your family?

I agree with you that it's frustrating and not right that your spouse should be missing out on so much time with your son. Unfortunately, in Corporate America, the workers have no control of their own lives. With most of the bigger companies--they own you. The only alternative with them is to find a different employer. I'm praying that things will work out soon for your family & that you can find a happy medium!

J., You need to back off. You knew what his hours/job was like when you decided to have a family. In today's ecconomy you are lucky to be able to stay home with your son. Quit wasting time resenting his job and make the most of the precious time you have together. You may find that as your son gets older and involved in activities like baseball, soccer, scouting etc and your husband moves up within his company he may be willing and able to free up more time to be with your son and get involved. Some fathers just get more involved as children get older. Best wishes

I think men sometimes feel very pressured to perform at work when they start a family, particularly if they are the only earner. A person who has sole financial responsibility for others may want to do everything possible to succeed at a job and keep earning.
That said, if you can make home a wonderful, fun, loving, relaxing place to be, everyone will want to be there more. Of course you can ask him to come home earlier--maybe you can work out a way to help him get some work done at home, sort of in-between playing and eating dinner. Help him meet his needs. If he comes home and you're happy to see him and talk to him, and not just happy to have someone to help with chores, maybe he will start to change his perspective on where he wants to spend his evenings.

(I'm sure your home is lovely and relaxing, and that you are, too :) --this is just food for thought. How does your husband see it--you want him there, so make it great for him to be there and he'll want to be there. Make sense?)

My husband goes away a great deal for work (he works for an AV firm) and definitely has no control over the hours he even has when he can work locally or out of the office. At first it was very difficult for me because we had a newborn son and a two year old little girl. My son is very attached to me way more so than my husband. He knows him and loves him so much but can't live without mommy. What I can say is that you can ask your husband for a compromise. Sometimes maybe he will not have control over what goes on during the day at work but he has to make a conscious effort to try and plan out at least some days, maybe not every week but more, that he will be home earlier. I do have a question, if he is management can he work sometimes from home or leave at least at the end of the day?

Ok, I had the SAME EXACT problem with my now ex husband. Exception is we had 2 children and 1 on the way. While pregnant i told him he needed to start coming home earlier AT LEAST 1 day a week for family time, whether it be dinner, playing a game, taking a walk etc..etc.. He told me NO, he could not and would not do it!! His job was more important. Yes i was a stay at home mom, but SAH mom's also need support, love, comfort, time, communication with spouse etc..etc.. I get so tired of hearing women say how "oh well he allows you to stay home" etc..etc.. all the excuses people use for these men to get out of doing their part as a father and spouse!!!! My ex admitted, in counseling, that he stayed at work to avoid the responsibility because at the time he just didnt want the family!!! Yes, HIS WORDS!!!! So stop making the excuse for him or any man, that "oh someone has to pay the bills". We all understand he is working hard to allow you to stay home, BUT HE ALSO HAS A WIFE AND SON!!! HIS 1st PRIORITY IS HIS FAMILY!!! Im not saying be a slacker with work, but he can compromise and be home early 1 day a week to spend quality time with you and your son!!! You have EVERY right to voice your concerns and feelings!! And us SAH MOM'S NEED OUR PARTNERS TO BE SUPPORTIVE, we need the affection, we need our spouse's to show some interest etc..etc.. When you lose that, like i did, the relationship WILL FAIL!!!!

My intentions were not to offend anybody, so please dont take it that way. But coming from someone who just went through the same situation, i get tired of hearing people stick up for men who think their only responsibility is WORK!! The chose to get married and have a child/children with you, so they are also EQUALLY responsibile. If you were working outside the home, would the responsibilities change? Or would you have to work a full time job outside and then go home and work another full time job making dinner, cleaning, laundry, changing diapers, baths, food shopping, dentist and doc appts, etc..etc... i could go on and on!!!!????? He NEEDS to do his part in the marriage/parenting!! It is that simple! Or you are just going to start resenting him!!

Good luck, i hope this helped!

I think you need to sit down and talk with your husband about your feelings and your fears. It seems to a certain extent that you don't believe him when he says he has to stay late at work as you say "He often claims...."

Talking with him may let you in on his perspective as well. He may hate that he has to work late and feel guilty about missing out on this time with his son. He also probably feels pressured to work hard in order to allow you to be able to stay home with your child and provide a good life for your family. I'm the one in my family with the full-time job and believe me, it's hard when you don't get out of the office on time as you know you are missing time with your little one. I'm sure he feels pulled in two directions at times.

While you have the "right" to ask him to come home earlier, he really may not have any choice in regards to his hours and may not be able to accomodate your request, but it might open the door to better communication.

I know exactly what you are feeling, I've been there before, with 2 different husbands. Some men truly feel their contribution to the marriage is JUST making money and their first priority, which also means caring for you and your son. It is important for him to spend time with your son but a lot of men have a hard time with infants. When he gets older I can guarantee you he will be spending more time with your son and enjoying every minute of it. Right now your son won't remember where Dad was when he was 6 months old.

Being home full time with a child is thankless and often frustrating and tiring, especially when they get older, its easy to become resentful. I would highly recommend that you start doing more for YOU by joining a playgroup in your county or township, visit the library when they have story time or join a gym. Fill your days with activities that will make your day go faster. Even walking around the mall is good exercise and will make you feel good about yourself.

I would nicely ask that your husband come home for family night one evening a week, maybe Friday or a night that is best for him, and make it a special night somehow....his favorite meal, dessert, takeout meal, out to dinner, etc. It's also really important that you still have couple time once a month if you can, keeping your love alive is so important.

Please don't ever feel like you don't have a "right" to ask your husband anything. You are supposed to be a TEAM and the lines of communication should always be open.

I wish you lots of luck!

J.,
Unless you guys have hefty trust funds, work probably SHOULD be pretty high up on his list of priorities, don't you think?
Seriously, fact of the matter is, he has to work. His consulting job seems like it has long, sometimes unpredictable hours.
Another perspective--Maybe it's not the "hours" that are bothering you--maybe it's the communication about what to expect him on each day or the unpredictability of the arrival times...can he communicate better each day about what time he'll be home?
I agree with the PP about dads & sons and the relationship really escalating when the boy is a bit older. Perhaps that's not ideal, but that's the way it is.
My advice to you is to continue to live your life, be active, take your son places, be good to him and yourself. Find comfort in the fact that your husband is a good provider and a hard worker! Good luck.

I'm sure there are others who have experienced similar situations. You have to try and look at things from both sides. First, you are staying home and being the primary care giver. This means he is the one responsible for financially providing for you and your son. This can be stressful... for either parent depending on who is staying at home.

So, I think a fair thing to do is to tell him you'd like to sit down and talk about times and schedules. Be calm and polite, you don't want to put him on the defensive by sounding resentful or upset. Let him know that you would like to see him have more quality time with his son and that you are concerned about how much time he is spending at the office. Give him a chance to respond to that. See if he says he misses the time as well, let him share with you his concerns too.

Then suggest that the two of you work to find some middle ground. Ask him if there is a particulare day of the work week that he could make an arrangement to leave early that day for a few weeks or see if there is a day of the week he could come in late.

I'd also suggest that you arrange one evening or day on the weekend where you get out for 2 or 3 hours and leave him at home with his son. This gives you some alone time, as well as gives the two men in your life time to bond :)

You say you think he makes work his first priority. But, find out why he's working so hard... is it because taking care of you and your son is truly his priority? He may think working harder is doing that.

I understand the stress of work (wanting to do your job the best you can & needing to provide for your family) and home (feeling guilty when you feel you have to work before home & family). He probably has already thought the same thing you are thinking and as I said already feels guilty. As the wife, I would just try to find some good family fun time when he is home. I don't know if he is a "baby-man". If not, it might stress him more taking care of the baby by himself. My husband is not a baby-man, once my son was potty-trained and more "easier" to take care of, they go everywhere together in the evenings and weekends and have bonded really well.

Hi J.,
I believe that a dad does not bond in the same way with an infant as the mom. A mom feels her baby for nine months before it is even born, and literally gives the baby her own flesh and blood. A man may even feel like a "second fiddle" when the baby comes into the world, since the woman is now so preoccupied with the "newfound love of her life". My advice to you is that you focus on deepening your good relationship with your husband, and he will come around to have a relationship with your (and his) son in his own time. It is absolutely true that in this society, making a living takes precedence over quality of life, and you are not going to change that. I think that maybe you are feeling a bit lonely and isolated while he is away, and your family is far away in Europe?!? Does his family live near by? It is not easy to form real friendships when you are a "transplant", but there are groups you could join with people of similar interests. Even at this early age, there are play groups, so that moms can have a conversation. The reality is that you will have to find other ways to fill that void, and the sooner the better. Good luck. If you want to "talk" I am also a transplant from Europe.
N

My question for you is - what is he like on the weekends?

Some people have job that require long hours, that's just how it is, whether we like it or not. And supervisors' don't change their expectations just because an employee has a new baby. Your husband's long hours provide the income for you to stay home with your baby. His work has to be a priority for both of you.

That said, there must be other times when he's not working where you can balance things out a bit. On Saturday mornings (or some other time will work for you and him), schedule daddy-baby time, while you take a class (exercise, photography, whatever your interest is). For some men, they only way they will jump in and do babycare is if mom is out of the house. So my suggestion is to find a time when you can routinely get out of the house, and let daddy bond with the baby.

Now, if your husband is totally non-supportive, not only on weeknights when he has to work long hours, but also on weekends and holidays, then that is a different question altogether, IMO.

hi J.!
i know what you're feeling. my husband is a nurse and started working 12 hr shifts when our first was just a baby and often times 16 hr shifts. it was so hard for me. i would spend all day home with the baby, pregnant again and bored. i felt trapped. i also felt that he was missing an important part of the babies development and her milestones. however, it did get better and easier for me.
what helped me was filling my days with activities that made the time go faster. trips to the mall, grocery store, and out of town trips helped. spending time at a friends house helped too.
be grateful that he is employed. thank him regularly for his hard work that allows you to be a stay at home mom! try not to put any undo pressure on him, as you yourself said he already has a lot of pressure at work to deal with. he needs to do a good job at work to remain employed and be a provider for you and your son. remember that it is probably as hard for him to be away from you and the baby as it is for you to be home all day by yourself. god bless! let me know if you ever want to talk!

Hi, J.:

Get you an appointment book with 3 columns. Put your husband's name, your name and the baby's name in each heading.

Put in your's and your baby's schedule in place in the columns.

Review with your husband y'all's schedules. Ask him if he can put in his schedule so you can have an appointment with him.

Get yourself involved in a civic group like Kiwanis and go to a support group like Co-Dependents Anonymous.

www.kiwanis international.org
www.coda.org
Good luck. D.

J.,
YOu are not alone! I could've written that post I just didn't think of asking other mommas before you. I also get angry and feel resentful towards my husband. I work full time and it's like that by staying late, hopping on the computer at home after a full day of work, or working on weekends he's making two statements: 1. work is more important than spending time with his family 2. (when he does get home it is crazy play time with our daughter but...)work is more important than spending time with me and (ok, it's 3 statements) 3. his job is more important than my job. I take care of organizing pretty much everything in our family and it usually requires my job (teacher) to take 2nd place, which is fine with me but at the same time I almost feel like it's a luxury to be able to stay at work so late and not worry about who's going to pick up the kids, feed them, etc. I also become frustrated which ruins the time he IS home with us. Sometimes I feel guilty and other times I feel justified. Mostly I guess I just feel alone and more independent than I'd like to be. Of course...I haven't told HIM all of this in detail. He just knows it makes me mad. Maybe I should do that.

I understand your situation, but how many people don't have jobs? How many moms have been forced to find a job and put their child in daycare? My husband works 12 hour shifts and usually has overtime besides his regular hours. I am not complaining, we have a good life and security because of his job. I was hoping he could do some errands today, as he was off, however, the phone rang at 7am, off to work he went. I also have a home daycare, but we have 3 kids, not cheap to pay for clothing and various activities etc. He is a wonderful dad and husband, but someone has to pay the bills and have a secure job. Does he have a choice about his hours, not likely. Certainly voice your concerns to him, but be prepared that it is likely out of his control. My husband works shift work, days, nights and weekends, he does what he can on his days off. Hope you can come to a compromise or understanding.

www.AHealthyLifeForAll.com

I have the same problem as you. My son is 6 months as well. I do ask my husband it come home earlier, but to noavail. He tries to get home early, but most of the time he does not walk in the door until 7pm. I think you do have a right to ask him to come early. Yes, he is the breadwinner, but in order for you to be the best mom you can be you need to have a little time by yourself. When he is home make sure he does things with your little guy. On the weekends I pretty much tell my husband that he needs to take him out for a walk or I go to the store for a little while. Remember even though he is working all day, you are as well. Taking care of a baby is hard work. Ask yourself would he be able to do it if you went to work?

Everything is a trade-off. My husband worked long hours when the kids were small and missed much. I heard the same as you - no choice about the hours. Eventually, he tired of it. He sold his business and took a job for WAY less $$ - just so he could be home more. It was a HUGE financial sacrifice for our family - hard in many ways b/c the $$ was nice...but...the relationships he now has with our children can't be bought. You both have to decide what's important. He may not be able to work less in his current career. How much is it worth it to both of you for him to be home? Only the two of you can answer that one. It's a huge weight for a guy to be the sole support of his family. I left a great paying job when our first was born and it's hard for the guys to leave work early when they feel the pressure of supporting a family.