Husband Too Busy???

I don't think you are being too unreasonable at all. I think you should have a heart to heart with him, not in a mean or accusing way, but just tell him that you want, love, and need him to be around. If not, you might just end up totally resenting him when he didn't even realize there was a problem. A good way might be to start by planning just one night a week where you have family time. It could be doing anything, playing a board game, going to the movies etc. but try not to spend it just watching tv. If he loves scouting so much, he should know how important it is to spend time bonding with boys. I imagine he probably takes the 9 yr old to cub scouts? IF not I would encourage hime to pick up some extra curriculars that involve all of you.

Hi, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all wanting you husband to spend time with his family. And I think the best thing to do would be to sit down and tell him about how you feel and what you would like to see happen. My husband is a Mason too and I understand that it is not meant to interfere with family or church. In fact the way I've been told about by my hubbie is that if the mason's find out it is interfering you are encouraged to spend more family time.
Just talk to him

Everyone brings up valid points.

My first one would be that he may be a work-a-holic. They have this inborn nature to be 'busy' and dont' really see how it effects everyone else.

So I would try to gently make times when you could be together. Maybe surprise him and take him out to dinner sometime, get a sitter and surprise him with a sex-capade, suprise him with a 'movie night' where you take him to a movie he would love to see without the baby along. You would be surprised what a little imagination and 'kidnapping' him once in a blue moon will do for a 'tired' hubby. ;-)

Also I suspect he may be like my dh and not a baby person. They are not really sure what to do with a little one. They are intrigued by them, but since baby can't walk/talk/spits up/poops the diaper, etc. they are a little out of their league.

We had our first 2 kids a yr apart and that kind of meant mine had to do baby things, but he never loved it. Once the kids got older he loved doing things with them, but of course that happens slowly. LOL

The affair idea would be my last resort because a lot of people in our current time do honestly have the 'workaholic' syndrome and do not even realize it.

Good luck

Sounds like you guys could use some counseling either from a church reverend or lisenced marriage counselor. If you feel like you are a single parent while married then something is wrong. Having extra activities is healthy but not when it interferes with your family. Does your husband mow for fun or for the income? Sounds like you are a 3 income family with no time for family. Maybe investing some time into figuring out if 3 incomes is necessary or if the third job is just to keep your husband out of the house and busy. Also trying to figure out if he is too busy for both children or just the baby might answer some questions. Sorry to sound blunt.

I don't think it's unreasonable... I seriously doubt that your husband does, either - but I have a few questions.

1. Do you need the extra money that his job provides.

2. Was his childhood deprived (financially, extra-curricularly, father absent) in some way that he is trying to make up for now?

3. Do you fight often when he is home?

If none of that is applicable (or even if it is), I highly recommend that you pick up a book called "The Five Love Languages". Here's a hint - you're "quality time". See if you can find your husband's (without telling him), and then leave it out.

I guess, if nothing else, y'all could get another lawn mower and walk around beside him and plan your vacations to coincide with the date and place of his out of town activities.

My husband did the same thing when our kids were little. He just didn't know what to do with them. As a guy, i think they look forward to different things like having water gun fights or soccer. My husband didn't get excited until our boys were running and climbing all over him or hitting him in the head with light sabers.

I don't think it is unreasonable to want your hubby to take time to bond. It is sooooo important. Maybe you could try incorporating something from his childhood into their day. My husband had a pound puppy when he was little so one christmas we found a lot of pound puppies on e-bay. there were just enough for the three boys. Is your son walking or trying to walk. they do have several "riding lawnmower" toys or push mowers that talk. maybe he can "help" daddy do your yard. Maybe the key is including him in everything that he does. I started sending at least one of the boys with Cory (my hubby) every time he left the house. If he was going to the movie store... he took the baby. Or daddy son outings. the guys and the boys go swimming or out to a football game etc.

It seems to me that money comes first in this relationship. Does he need second job if you are already working? Every afternoon he wastes his time mowing someone elses lawn instead of refreshing at home to start family time. I am a single mom and my income is one. Even when I know I over spend because I am a known shopaholic, I always manage my finances somehow. and even when I have to rearrange my budget every week, Always have to account for all payments and bills first. So what it is that takes so much money. You are frustrated and he is too. Men think work makes them and chores and family are something they give extra. Does he take care of his nine year old? I think an honest and to the point talk with him can take you further then any amount of frustration. You are a brand new mom - adjustments are big for you, make sure he remembers he has a child and a wife to take care of.... or else why did he married! and you have to remember that you are a woman with needs and have only one child not two. Pack you stuff and tell him you are taking a weekend off and see how he feels. I am saying in a healthy and loving way.

I'd ask him what about YOUR free time? What would he do if you suddenly developed outside interests and left him to bond with your son? Ask him that. Part of being a good husband and father is to be there for your family not just provide for them. I've heard the arguement from friends husbands that they work hard all day so when they have some free time they want to do something they enjoy. I've asked "don't you enjoy being with your wife and children?" "Does your wife get to do something she enjoys too?" "Does your wife have as much free time as you do?" Usually the questions are met with silence or "She's never complained so I guess she likes being home" "She never says she needs time to herself so I guess it's all good". You need speak up. Have a heart to heart with him... print out and show him your post and see how he reacts.

I use to have this problem with my husband spending too much time on his extracurricular activities. I'd buy a cheap MISS YOU card from the dollar store and put it in his lunch or somewhere he'll find it. In it I'd write he hasn't been spending much time with me and/or our daughter and that we're starting to forget what hanging out with him is like. Sometimes I'd write my week is full with my "man on the side" that is filling in in his absence and if he'd like to reserve some time for next week before I'm booked up. (I'm joking of course and he knows it but it gets the message across) I have a calendar in our bathroom and sometimes on certain days I'd write "Mandatory Family Movie Night" or "Remember You Have A Family". When he would set his plans aside I'd leave handwritten notes - "thank you for remembering us" or our daughter would write "wow thanks for remembering I exist". Sarcastic - yes. Got the message across - YES! Now instead of playing with bands until late after work (he's a drummer) he started his own band (www.myspace.com/rockbambluesband <-shameless plug) and only plays on weekends. Practices are just that - practices not hanging out with the guys all day long and he tries to find places to play that are family friendly so all of us can go. He got the message loud and clear and hasn't gone back to his old ways. It's rare now if he does anything that doesn't involve us as well. Good Luck!!!

When you find the magic answer let me know.

I work full time, have three boys 11, 3 and 3 months old

My husband also works full time but seems to always be too tired to spend time with the boys are at least with me

He seems to think that I am supermom and can do everything on my own. Sometimes I would like a little down time too

So again, if you find the magic answer let me know

I sure could use some suggestions too

First of all, you are NOT being unreasonable, but I can speak from the point of view of the man, even though I am the mom. For one long period in our marriage, my husband did not have a job, and he stayed home with the children. In order to make enough money for us, I had to often work more than one job, or do things like work a full time job and sell Mary Kay or insurance or something on the side. At one point, I found a job that would let me have more than one job within the job. Therefore, I was teaching insurance classes, telemarketing, and verifying insurance sales from about 8a.m. to 11p.m. at night. Besides that, I was always on the pursuit of more classes and testing for myself so that I could keep earning more and more money. This was hard on all of us, but any time that I cut back on what I was doing, we suffered greatly. Now, you are probably wondering what that has to do with your situation, since your husband is doing boy scouts, masons, and all that. You will find that his social contacts are very important to his business, and staying in the job market. Even though it is irritating, having him gone all the time, his benevolent work will help him to stay abreast of what is going on around him, and if he is in any kind of sales position, it gets him in front of potential, lifetime customers. After all, wouldn't you rather patronize the business of a friend than a stranger that calls or knocks on your door? It may look like he is out having fun, but Shriners, Masons, and Boy Scouts are all work. I am the only Girl Scout leader and Service Unit Manager in my town, and even though I enjoy what I do, it is work. Is there any way that you and the children can participate in some of what he is doing? There are den mothers in the boy scouts. Usually wives of Masons can join the Eastern Star. I have had many family members in these organizations, and they loved it. If you feel that the children are too small to be able to allow you to do these things, rest assured that they will be old enough before you know it. My parents were members of different lodges, and they used to take me with them to dinners and special events. Those were happy memories for me, and I'm sure would be for your children, too. Raising children isn't for wienies, that's for sure, and there's no doubt that you are completely worn out by day's end. However, it might benefit you to splurge on a babysitter on occasion, so that you can go out with your husband and renew yourself. Moms need a break just as much as everybody else. One final thing that just came up this morning. My husband, who is now that breadwinner, is the one working long hours and not always home. He was very sweet by taking the day off today to go with us while our twelve year old gets her braces. This morning, she said that she had wished that he would be there, but didn't believe that he would get off work for something like that. I told her that even though this time was a surprise, that she should be honest from now on and tell him that she wants him with her for certain things, and he will do the best that he can. He just has to know about it. I told her that this does not mean that he will always be able to take time from work, but that telling him would at least help him to make arrangements. I'm sure that works for wives, too. :)

Have a Great Day!
L. Santiago

Wow, I was upset with my husband for being so busy and he wasn't that busy? He sounds like one of those people who isn't happy unless he is over scheduled. I'd ask about scheduling time for you and the kids. Also the practical side, is there any way to get him to quit mowing so many lawns. While providing for your family is important, not having a relationship with them isn't worth the money. Trust me, my husband grew up that way and it wasn't nice. When I saw the same happening with our family, he wouldn't listen until he had a near breakdown. Luckily our marriage survived it. Just FYI I found Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil very helpful. Good luck, feel free to PM anytime you want.

Wow; sounds like my husband! We've been married almost 25 years and he's always been an overachiever. I thinks some men are more driven than others. My husband is a great provider and dad. Your husband may feel it's a financial necessity for future goals that he has set for himself and the family. The most important thing for you to do is sit and talk to him about it. Make sure you guys are on the same sheet of music with expectations of each other. My husband works two to three jobs and does college schooling both on-line and in a classroom environment. He'll never be idle or retired (only temporarily). During the days of his Drill Sergeant years when my boys were very young; I had to tell him how wonderful it is that he is so ambitious. But; that I thought it was more important that the boys knew him for who he is and that he spend quality time with them. Even if it's only a few minutes at bath or breakfast time. He didn't realize that it had come to that and how important his presence was. Communication is so........very.....important. Let him know how you feel and find a compromise. Don't build resentment towards him; none of us have manuals or instruction booklets on what makes us good parents and spouses. Make a date and talk.

Hi J.,
I am so sorry for your frustration, first let me begin with encouraging you, you will get through this and you and your family will find a rhythm that works and all areas are met...
I agree with one of the post previous to this one from Steph S.
I think she has an excellent suggestion, go mow with him.
put the baby in a baby wrap on your body and go help him... Not that he need help but it will make a statement to him that you will do what ever it takes to get his attention and you desperately want to spend time with him and your baby together. The book is excellent also. If nothing else it will bring clarity on why you respond one way and him another.
Don't give up. Don't be afraid to ask him questions. And don't be afraid to stir up the waters. always check your heart motives before you try something, but you are not unreasonable at all. You have to find the peace in your life...Just remember, whether you like it or not, we women are the glue that holds things together, we need a support group of other women to encourage each other when we go through hard issues, none of us are better than another, we all just have different experiences that we can all learn from. I hope that you are encouraged. I am new to this sight so if you can message back and let me know how you are doing I would love to hear from you again.

No, I do not think you are being unreasonable. I think my husband is like that somewhat too, and I think it is because they were raised by fathers in the 1970's. I am pretty sure his mother, my mother in law, always took care of the kids while he went fishing...etc. and this was "normal" back then. Well,I work full time and like to fish myself...so there. I try to get my husband to go to Chuck E. Cheese or elsewhere to show him that it can be fun to be with your children..and I remind him that times have changed. Most of all I remind him that they will be teenagers oneday and probably NOT want him around much. Seize the day.

You are not being unreasonable. Your husbands first priority should be to GOD (if he's a Christian, as Mason's are) then his family. The other stuff comes after that. If he has time after attending to the needs of his family, then it is his own. Once he made the decision to get married and have children, he lost his independent life. You can't go back or continue to have the same single life you had before. Women have been doing this for years...giving up their own lives for their family. It's past time for the men to do the same. I'm not saying that he has to cut everything out, but he needs to rethink his priorities. If you really need the money then the second job is okay. But time with the family is more important than a new Plasma TV for example. I say one regular activity a week outside the home is the most a parent can handle and still call themselves a parent. My husband is involved in a club once a week. The rest of the time we do things together. We don't always sit at home, especially on weekends. However, when we do go out it's usually as a family or couple. It is not easy to say NO to things, but it's important to limit outside activities. I get a night out when I want too. I stay home with my kids, but when I need a girl's night or night alone, I expect no arguments! My husband does hunt occassionally with friends, but not every weekend and certainly not without agreement from me. If he was gone as much as your husband was, I wouldn't be married. This is not a judgement on you, but on me. I could not be content with that arrangement. If I were going to be a single mom, then I'd be one legally. I can only suggest that you talk to your husband and let him know how important he is to you and your child. This is his only opportunity to spend time with his children. Once they're adults, he won't get more chances. He will have plenty of time for himself later. Hope things work out.

I have to tell you that I have tears in my eyes right now. My heart really goes out to you. You did not say whether you have talked to your husband honestly about how you feel. My husband told me the other day that women have to spell things out to them. Be specific when talking to your husband about you need. Your needs beeing met are extremely important for your own mental health. Whatever you do you can't hold in the negative feelings you are having. If you have to find a good marriage counselor please do that. You are feeling like any other woman would feel in your situation. Also, there is a great book at the Christian book stores (although not a religious book) called the "5 Love Languages". If you could get your husband to read that book (as well as yourself) it could really help your marriage. It did mine. My husband is a workaholic like yours. I realized after reading the book that his way of showing love is working and providing. He learned that affection was mine. I learned to accept his way of love and he learned to be more receptive to my affection. Families have to spend time together and it sounds like even though you have a great husband somehow you have to get him to work on that. I really encourage you to get that book.

K.

Hi J..
It sounds like you need to schedule, yes, actually schedule an appointment with your husband and have a prepared, written list of topics/concerns to speak to him about. If you schedule 30 minutes then don't expect to go past the 30 minutes. You can set a timer and be prepared to drop the conversaton as soon as the bell rings. Arrangements also need to be made for babysitting for the children. Keep your meeting as businesslike as possible. No emotions should be allowed to elevate. Present your concerns and suggest solutions. For example, if you ask for an hour of family time on Saturday and he agrees, then accept that and just be prepared to take very small baby steps. Don't expect your husband to accept all you ask and change immediately. It's going to take time.
This approach may sound "silly" but your husband sounds like he's in work mode most of the time so it will be easier for him to comply.
Take Care and just be patient.
D.

Yes, I think so. He needs to look at how many 'minutes' total each day of the week he actually spends with you and your son. In black and white like that, it usually works - it is very glaring that enough time is not spent with family. You need to talk with him about this and the reason for your concern. A family is not just THERE, it has to be nutured and lived. Nothing else (like the shriner, etc.) should be more important than spending time with his family.

Good luck