Do I Stay for the Sake of My Son?

If you want this relationship to work then try counseling. If you don't then you have to move on and the sooner the better. Regardless of what happens the tention and stress ARE influencing the little boy. A.

You can't stay in a relationship just for your son. What are you modeling for him, in terms of how people interact when they love each other? Distance, sadness, disrespect? If you decide that it can't work, and that you aren't happy, then of course you need to leave. And make sure you are respectful (even if he isn't), and mature (especially when he isn't), and cooperative about letting the two of them spend time together.

BUT I don't think you're there yet!!! And maybe you don't have to be? First off: couples counseling. RIGHT NOW! It saved my marriage. It changed everything about how my husband (my fiance at the time) and I communicated. It got all that hurt out in the open- no more resentment, no more "he should know better" nonsense, no more passive aggressiveness (on my part), no more distance (on his part). Our counselor helped us to 1)be really honest and sincere with each other, 2)stop blaming each other, and 3)learn how to fight clean.

Those 3 things are the keys to reigniting your relationship! But I think it's almost impossible to find your way without help. A counselor or pastor is a crucial part of you both developing these communication skills- oh and lots of practice. ("I messages" are really hard at first...) If you both dive into therapy with open hearts, then I think your relationship will get better and stronger so quickly...you'll be amazed. And THAT will be a wonderful relationship to model for your son.

And, oh start having sex with him again! (If you aren't right now, which is probably the case. It's so hard for most of us women to connect physically, when we're feeling neglected emotionally.) It'll feel weird at first, but keep doing it. It gets better really quickly! And give him a lot of attention. Just like kids, grown ups need validation and praise and cuddling. Again, it'll feel weird and awkward at first. But soon it'll become more and more authentic, as he responds to your affection. He probably feels neglected as well.

You owe it to yourself and your son to try, really hard. Then, if you're still disappointed and unable to feel fulfilled- then you do what's right for both of you. Model what strong women (and men) do. They make hard choices, and pursue their own happiness with all their hearts. That way, your son grows up to be a man who does the same, and expects the same of his own wife.

But try first!

I went thru the same thing. Our Son is now 4 years old, but when he was younger, his Daddy didn't do much with him or me. I felt very alone too. But stuck it out and now that our Son is older, my hubby is way more involved. And we are finding our places in our new roles as parents.
It sure was tough, i remember the days when i felt i too was falling out of love with him.

Remember that your relationship is going thru a transition - from the old you with no kids, to the new you with kids. It's very normal for relationships to take some time to adjust. And most men don't handle young kids very well. So, if you still have a shred of love, hang in there and things will get easier. And in the long run, your Son will be happy that his Dad and Mom are together and a family.

Good luck !

P.s....I just read thru some of the other replies to you and am actually shocked at how many Mom's out there say for you to leave him ! That is why the divorce rate is so high - that as soon as there's a sign of trouble - the only answer is to leave !? Why not work on it? Why not do everything in your power to try and make it work? And don't forget, kids grow up fast.... and all the different stages will bring along other issues to deal with. But that is how a family evolves....how you grow and you will find that it gets easier. Keeping your family together right now should be what your focus is on. It doesn't sound like your problems with your fiance are that bad other than both of your adjustments to parenthood. You are different people now - try to learn from that.

I have THE BEST husband and he's THE BEST dad but even we went through the fights of you aren't doing enough. I think that everyone goes through this. You guys are having a communication breakdown!!! I'd suggest you go see a marriage counselor before you do something drastic. Having an unbiased party in the mix is so helpful to opening both your eyes to things. You guys need to communicate better and figure out a way for him to help you more - maybe come up with a schedule but let him be part of the decision making. I wouldn't fault him for not giving baths b/c of a bad back or going out with his friends every other week. I would support him on the night out and have him cover for you on your night out. He'll appreciate you a lot more when he's left to do it all by himself for a few hours. It's healthy for you both to take time to yourselves.
I think the biggest thing for you is to readjust your priorities when it comes to your family. A healthy family has the spouses as the #1 priority not the kids. The kids see how mommy and daddy interact and learn from it. You both are setting the path for how your child will act in a relationship down the road. When daddy first comes home from work he kisses and talks to mom first and then says hello to baby. Little things like that.
You have created a family and yes, it's worth it to try everything to make it work for the sake of your son.

The short answer is- no, you cannot stay in a relationship for someone else.
I would ask your fiance if he's willing to go to counseling together. If he is, then try it and see if it helps....if it works, then great. However, staying for your son is not going to make you or your fiance happy together. Your relationship will probably just continue to get worse. As your son gets older, he'll notice the stress in your relationship (and he'll hear the fighting)...and that won't make him happy. If you're going to leave, go to your parents' house so that you have help. Don't stay alone just to be near him. 45min is not across the country, it is certainly driveable for your son to see his father.
Good luck. I hope things work out for you. Start with counseling.

Hi R. your son will be fine. You are a dentist you have a lucrative career. He is just your Fiance and if he is not willing to change don't stick around. Your son is only 12 months, kids are more resilient than we think. He will be fine adjusting to the change so don't worry about it too much. My thing is if he thinks by you talking to him is nagging and he does not consider your feeling why stick around. But thats just me.
I am married and my husband at first didn't want to give our daughter a bath or be more hands on because he had no clue what to do, but I thought him how. And for him to get use to doing these things I would leave for a few hours to get my hair done or just have some me time for him to learn and not call for back up.
If you move stay close to your parents they are the strongest support system you will have and they will help out in ways you cant imagine but don't move in back with them. You need to be on your own
45 mins is not far and if your baby's father sees it fit he wont mind the drive.

Speaking from experience I would say dont stay just for the sake of your son. I know exactly what your feeling. When I had my daughter; who is 2, I expected her father to be "super dad". Instead, I ended up being "super mom'. I found myself doing all the work and not feeling supported, appreciated or loved by my spouse. I kept telling myself it will get better if I stick it out. It did get better, but only for a brief period of time and then it was back to the old ways. No amount of nagging, arguing or bickering would make him see the things that he was missing out on or the emotional pain that I was feeling. Then one day I finally had to let it go. Seeing my child long for her fathers attention and seeing him basically ignoring her was heart breaking. Luckily he lived with me, so he was the one to move out. Now every day I think about the way things were and am relieved that I let it go. The transition period for my daughter was hard at times. she would walk in the bedroom and call "daddy", and then look to me for answers. I learned new things to do with her so when she came home, she no longe rdid this. After awhile she adjusted well. With the support of your parents, you should be ok. And your son will surrounded by people who love and care for him. All in all, I would say consider yourself and your happiness in this situation. I did and I am a better women and definitely a better mother to my child.

I am so sorry you are going thru this! For the sake of your son if he is NOT willing to go to counseling to try and work thru your issues than your son will be better off, and you too, living apart from his Dad. It's better to be from a broken home than living in a broken home, that's what Dr. phil says and it makes sense! I can bet you a million dollars your fiancee will never change unless he thinks he is going to lose his family. (and even then maybe not)But you can't just threaten. you have to follow thru. It really does sound like you need counseling together. if he refuses I suggest you go on your own to deal with the rough road ahead! You can not stay for the sake of your son. That way of thinking has back fired on so many families. Your son will accept what goes on in his house as Normal , acceptable behavior, and he will repeat the same behaviors when he is older if you raise him in the environment of his distant, uncaring father. Good luck, hope I helped a little.

I'm gonna be blunt, cause that's how I am. Someone should NEVER stay in a lifeless relationship for the sake of the children. Your son will see this behavior and think that's how relationships are supposed to be. The mom miserable and the dad doing whatever he pleases.

Love is a tricky thing. If you are already wondering, you already know the answer. You are not married, for whatever reasons. I'm sorry but I would not stay in a relationship of convienience...You need to ask yourself what was going on in the relationship when you got endaged. Was it a way for him to "keep" you.

You stated when "you had your son". You didn't say when "WE" had "OUR" son. You are already feeling alone in this relationship. Could he be staying out of obligation too?

Commuication is the key. We all keep quiet so we don't hurt the other person's feelings...by doing that, we are not getting our needs met and bidding our time.

Think about it...what's best in the long run? As far as moving your son away from his father goes....his father has already mentally moved away from you both.

Good luck,

Make an appointment with a couples therapist...go weither he is willing to go or not...out line what you want changed...what kind of relationship you want with him. Go over the things you want help with...if he has a bad back, then ask him to make an effort with the things that are easier on him...taking his son to the park, the zoo...do the dishes, the laundry etc. etc...things that he can handle that wont hurt his back. If he's really wants to listen to your feelings, work on the changes needed, and go to couples therapy with you to learn communication.....then give him that chance to do so. But if he still thinks you are over reacting and brushes it all off or just goes along with it to shut you up,...then you have a right to move on and find your happiness, what ever that might be....

Before actually making a move, or announcing you are leaving... Sit your parents down and together talk about expectations..both yours and theirs...set down ground rules with them...both yours and theirs....do not take anything for granted and mark it all down. You need to work, need a social life, you get to make bottom line decissions for your child. Figure out what you can afford to pay them for rent,food and phone...will you and the child be sharing one room or both have seperate rooms...what of his toys and things do they have room for and what chores they need help with and expect from you..etc. etc. etc. Mark all the information down as you are talking to them about all of this.

Then check around for apartments...see what that will actually cost you....think about what you'll need to do in terms of a job to afford it all to be out on your own with your child....Mark all the information down.
Then re-read this information along with the information you gathered from the talk with your parents and decide for yourself where it's best for you to live with your child.

45 minutes away from your parents home isn't a big deal...many people just travel that every day to get to and from work.

I tend to think that children are better off growing up in a happy home. They are better off with 2 happy single parents not living together then they are with 2 unhappy parents living together...

Once you decide, go ahead and make your arrangements to make it all possible......

Then sit your boyfriend down and tell him you are moving out because you aren't happy. Don't start blaming him for any of it...Keep it simple, "I'm not happy with my life so I'm moving on." Let him know where you are moving to and when... Talk to him about visitations rights with his child and child support. Medical bills, rent, clothes, food, education etc. for the child and what you are planning on taking with you from his house. No matter what his first reaction is to it all....Ask him to think about it all and that you'll talk again... Give him a few days to think about it all and then sit him down again to talk and listen to all that he has to say in a very calm way.... Don't get into any power struggles with him...take notes, mark it all down.

If he objects to supporting the child, then you may have to hire a lawyer and go to family court to get the child support.

If he has a temper...change your moving date and move out while he is at work..

Good luck with what ever you decide to do...I'm going to be praying that he will want to make those changes together with you with the help of therapy...

wow. that is some big stuff. it isn't really something someone else's input should have much value in. but - i will say that from the sound of your letter, it seems that you want to move on. sure you have to think about your son, but if you really think you are falling out of love with him it probably won't help him much in the long run if you stay. that being said, having a child totally changes the dynamic of any relationship. you won't spend that much quality time together anymore. it's a matter of if this guy is the person you want to journey through these experiences with. if he's not, then it will probably fall apart later anyhow. as for your parents, it probably depends on your relationship with them. are they good to you or will they damage you and your independence in the process. if you have a good relationship with them and could have some space to yourself at their home, then sure. having them there will definitely help and probably give you a chance to get out of the house now and then. 45 minutes isn't that bad unless he plans on coming by every evening, which probably wouldn't make either of you happy. if you decide to move on, good luck. if you decide that you just haven't adjusted to the change of relationship a baby makes and want to give it some more time - make sure you keep communication open, let him know how you are feeling, make sure you get some time out of the house by yourself too - he can watch the baby, and probably give him a break on the bath thing, cause back pain does make leaning over the tub hard, BUT we give our son (same age) baths by wearing a bathingsuit and going in with him, which might be worth a try, or give him a bath in the sink - they love that. he should be involved in other ways for sure though, you'll never last, even if you try, if you feel like you are the only one making sacrifices. good luck!

Hi R.,
If you stay for the sake of your son things won't work out. If he hasn't changed by now he never will. Don't you owe it to your son to be happy? If you live in a miserable relationship what are you teaching your son. Doesn't he have the right to grow up in a loving, caring house. You son is old enough that he will just grow up knowing mommy lives in one house and daddy lives in another. He won't remember the 2 of you living together.
Don't you deserve to be happy. If you fiance isn't willing to bend now imagine how he is going to be after you get married.

I say move on now. Be happy in life, life is too short.

I come from a divorced family, I feel I am very well adjusted. I have 2 children of my own 12 and 13. Happily married for 17 years.
Good Luck
J.

R.,

I need to quote Maya Angelou here...."when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". My ex-husband was always lazy & going out w/out me. Once we had the kids, even though he said he would be home more & help out more, he didn't live up to his word. Your fiance is obviously showing he has no interest in your son. He sounds like my ex....a poor excuse for a father, let alone a man. Just because you are engaged & have a child together, you should do what is best for your son. It sounds like you've tried to address your concerns & he keeps blowing you off by saying you're nagging him. If he is unwilling to make changes, he will stay the same. Do you want your son to grow up to be a hands-off father like this guy? He's young enough that he won't realize the father isn't living with you. My kids were 1yr old when I kicked their father out & he moved in with his girlfriend. They just know that daddy lives in his own place & they live with mommy. Although it is hard to be a single mother, it can be done....I'm a single 34 yr old mom of twin 2 yr olds! Your social life may suffer, but it's better than your son suffering by living with two parents who don't get along & have a poor role model in a father. It's very generous of your folks to allow you to move in. 45 minutes isn't that far away. If he's interested in being part of your son's life, he will make the trip. My best advice before you make a move is to make a list of what you like & don't like about this guy. If the negative stuff ourweighs the good, there's your answer. Honestly, I don't think he'll change based on your email.

Best wishes,
A.

I'm confused, you refer to 'my son' instead of 'our son'. Is your boyfriend that biological dad?

Hi R.,
Have you thought about trying couples counseling with your fiance before you make a move and/or break up with him? Perhaps you both should take some time to talk things out first. Maybe you two could schedule a date night and go out to dinner and let him know how you are feeling without it coming across as nagging. I can see how you feel frustrated though and would like more help from him.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds to me like your fiance is a bit immature and making excuses. But, you should give him the benefit of the doubt. If you are really considering moving out, I think you should try counseling first before making a decision. If your fiance is open to it, then you know there is some hope. Secondly, you have to make your relationship a priority. It takes work on both sides. Why not plan to have a weekly date with your fiance after your son goes to bed. My husband and I make it a priority to spend time together just the two of us every week, even if we don't go anywhere. We go out for dinner or make a nice dinner at home and open a bottle of wine. You could even take it a step further and plan a weekend or a night away (somewhere close by). I just recently started letting my son spend the night at my inlaws and it's so nice to have some adult time.
As far as your fiance helping out more, try to address it with him during a non-stressful time and without being argumentative. (I know, sometimes that's hard to do). Now that your son is getting out of the baby stage, maybe your fiance can come up with some "boy things" to do with him. Talk to him about having a special guys time every week to bond with his son (a bonus is that you can have some free time for yourself). This way you can frame it as something good for him rather than saying that he never helps you.
Now if after all this effort, your fiance shows little interest in your relationship or your son, then you can be sure that you did all you could to save the relationship and you should not feel guilty leaving. I don't think 45 minutes away is too far. I live in Queens and even some place 10 miles away can take a hour to get to in traffic, so I think the support of your parents is worth the extra mileage. Of course, if you decide to leave, you should make every effort to let your son have time with his father.

I understand what you are saying it is hard not to make your children your priority but your relationship needs to be your first priority and if your fiance feels that he is not your top priority then he will not make you or your children his top priority either. He will just pull away and go somewhere else to feel important.

Sounds like you guys need to start being more intentional about spending time together just the two of you both on intimate and a non-intimate level.

My husband and I have been struggling with some similar things since the birth of our son.

I had the same issue with the father of my now 14 years old beautiful daughter. We were together 8 years, engaged for the last 4 of those eight years. I was not willing to get married once we began to experience problems in our relationship. I did stay in the relationship as long as I did for what I thought was the sake of my daughter. I wanted her to be raised in a home with both parents, like my sister and I. It wasn't until that eighth year when things had become really bad between us that I finally realized that staying in a relationship where I wasn't happy was starting to effect my daughter. My daughter who has always been very happy, and full of joy, began to cry a lot and didn't like to be at home anymore. She always wanted to stay over at my mothers home, rather than be home with us. It's important for me to mention that we never argued around her, not even in a seperate room. But she still noticed the tension that existed in our home. I finally decided that it would be best for all of us if we split. Not only because of the unhappiness we were unintentionally passing to our daughter, but also because I loved him to much to have the ill feelings I had began to feel towards him. We did part not so amicably at first, when our daughter was 6 years old. It was hard on us all but we made it through. It would have been much harder on my daughter and I if not for the strong support system I had in my mother, and sister. So I understand your scepticisim in moving your son away from his father. I advise you to weigh your options carefully, and do what's best for you and your son. If your finance is not giving you the support with your son that you need now odds are not much will change if you was to leave. My daughter and her father managed to maintain a healthy relationship and we are 1 hour away from him. He still makes his weekends, holidays, and all sporting events. So it is possible. And surprisingly after an eight years split we have decided to give it another try, that I'm actually excited about. I hope it works out this time. I hope I was at least a little helpful. Good luck with whatever you decide. And remember no matter the outcome enjoy your child, and always show his father respect. On my worse day I always can find solace in my daughter. Good luck.

Oh that must be so difficult. My heart goes out to you and your little boy! The first thing that I thought of was what a really close friend told me years ago when I was feeling like I needed out of my current relationship. She told me that every relationship hits this hard spot at some point. If you get out now and find someone else down the road, you will come to the same spot eventually. It is going to be so much better for all involved if you stick it out and work through it. And it is WORK. Don't let anyone tell you any differently. But everything that is worth it in life is hard work!
I agree with so many who recommended counseling. You need to get a good counselor involved who will help you put reasonable expectations back into your relationship. Having a child is a difficult transition for even the most solid couples. I would encourage you to get serious about your commitment to one another (and no- getting married won't magically fix things, but coming to grips together in agreement about what the commitment of marriage means and taking that step together forms the foundation from which healthy, long lasting families are built).
I wish you and your family the best. Prayers and hugs to you!
~S.

Its so hard for anyone to tell you stay or go. I don't know any woman who doesn't feel some of what you are feeling after a child enters the relationship. Even the older women in my life have said there were many times they wanted to leave but after the children have grown the love did come back. You have to ask yourself, do you love this man? Does he love you? Do you trust each other? I don't think any man will live up to our expectations or take on as much as we do as women. I'm learning that since my son was born. My husband IS a wonderful father and he DOES do a lot around the house and everything - but theres A LOT he doesn't do and instead of fighting him on it, I've accepted that I'm stronger and I've learned to deal with it differently. Counseling helped. Not couples, JUST ME! It is the HARDEST thing I have ever done - try to maintain a relationship once I became a mother. There were some seriously questionable days the first year my son was born, there are still some rough patches, but I try to remember that when the stress and the parenting and all that is taken away, we DO have fun and we DO want to be together. Now i have been married for 5 years, but I have been with my husband on and off since I was 18 (I'm going to be 35) so I can't say we haven't been through a lot or didnt know each other. No one EVER told me how hard the relationship part was going to be after a child but as time passes I am learning more and more that almost every woman I know, my age and older has gone though very troubling times too! I think you should hang in there unless you can truly look deep within and find no love! Try to remember what it was made you agree to marry this man in the first place! Good luck! By the way, I agree with Laurens response - get counseling - it will help YOU be clearer and put YOU in control and then no matter what you decide you will be more confident in your decisions!

Hi R.,

I am going through this right now. My son is 21 months old and my daughter is 6 1/2 years old. My 15 years with my boyfiend and he is the same. He even tells me I give our son to much attention. Our daughter loves him to death. But after living together 8 yrs. It is only getting worst and the children are the getting older and will miss him more. I have no one to help me, but I have always done it alone. I had my first apt. at 17. Went to school full time and worked night full time so I know I could do it. But like you, do you go or stay for the kids. I think I am working on leaving by this summer after we try councling if that doesn't help then before my daughter goes back to school. I know it will be the next town over so I would have to change her school, for the better. :) Good Luck!

Hi R.,

Sounds like you've already got your mind pretty much made up. Only you know whats best for yourself and your son. Speaking from my own experience, marriage doesn't heal an already broken relationship. I married at a very young age to a man I knew wasn't right for me AND I had a son with him, 3 years later ended up with a messy divorce and still, 7 years later, dealing with some custody issues. You have the right to be loved and cherished and so does your son. My son was 1.5 when I was divorced from his father and when he was 4 we met my husband now. He is AMAZING and loves us unconditionally! Relationships work best when those in them give a 100%, it's not a 50/50 life it's a 100/100. Remember that leaving could also be for the sake of your son. Make sure that you end up with the right regrets, I did. Wish you the best!

Just a quick answer to the two questions that jumped out at me. No you should not stay for your son's sake, and YES you should TRY to work things out for your son's sake. As Hannah said the best example we can set for our children is to show them how to live in a loving, caring, and happy home. The worst thing you can do is stay in a loveless, tense, and unhappy house. Children learn what they live so I say try and if you can't make it work then leave. I left my first marriage and found a wonderful man who raised my son as his own so there is happiness out there. My ex wanted no part of making it work he just wanted to blame me for it all. You can't make a relationship work alone it takes to to make it and two to break it. Good luck!!!

Taking a break is a great idea- if it's posssible. You can always change your mind. Furthermore if you do split up, you can always reconcile. So many people think it's the end- it doesn't have to be. Since he's your child's father, you will always have some sort of connection.

For me, marriage is the hardest thing I've EVER had to do. I am not sure it's worth it. I'm not sure it's not. Sometimes I wish with all my heart I was a single mom. Occasionaly being a family feels good. One thing is for sure- this life does NOT meet my expectations at all. I thought it would be soooo much easier, like everything would fall into place, you know? Nothing seems to fall into place easily. it's always an issue that needs to be discussed, ad nauseum.

I always thought marriage would be like resting comfortably on a puffy cloud. It's more like nails down a chalkboard. But they say it's the right thing to do so I'm sticking with it. I just hope in the end, it's worth it. Because if not, I'm going to be kicking some serious conservative christian ass.

I am very familiar with all of the stuff you have described. You are a lot like me eight years ago. (except your guy isn't cheating too! This could be much worse.) I would try to work things out. Couples councilling could help. But I think your finance needs to get a taste of what it would be like if you two where gone. Maybe go stay with your parents for a week or two. You know what they say about absence... You may have a clearer view after two weeks of living with mom and dad again of what you want and what you can and can't put up with too! Your guy can learn to be more hands on. And 12 months is about the age that he will start feeling more comfortable. Your son isn't quite so breakable, and he can do more than eat, sleep, poop, and cry! Do everything you can to make things work. If you don't you will regret it. But, I'd put off the wedding until you know for sure.
Best of luck, K.

Hi R.,
You've gotten a lot of good advice so far and while I can't speak from experience on your side, I can speak from experience on your son's side. My parents ended up divorcing when I was 12, but they fought a lot when I was really young (2 - 6). Things didn't get better after 6, but I saw less of the actually fighting. It still affects me today. Please do what's best for your son. Only you know what's best, but the stress and anxiety that will affect him will stay with him. 45 mins. is not that far away in the long run, and it will be good for both you and your son to have the support of your parents. Your fiance should make an effort to be a father and if that means a 45 min. drive, so be it!

If you are not happy and in love, then staying for your son will not work. For your child to feel secure, he must sense that the individuals around him are secure and happy. By staying in an unhappy relationship, you are modeling this behavior for your child. A very close friend of mine stayed for 20 years for the sake of her two children and the boys are a MESS! Both boys openly stated that their father was not respectful of them or their mother and have rebelled terribly. Unfortunately their father passed away which was very sad for them all. Since his passing, life has settled and both boys (men?) are calmer and the rebellious behaviors have disappeared. Staying for the sake of the children NEVER works-

Moving 45 minutes away is not "so far" from his father. Arrange for frequent visitations and opportunities for his father to be involved in his life.

Well I would say it sounds like you are already do a lot of things by yourself! 45 Minutes is not that far...my dad is 50 minutes and we go once a week. It really sound like he is in the same quandry of whether to stay or leave...Nagging about his own SON?? Wow, my husband was soooo not ready or prepared to have our first daughter we were pregnant after only 4 mos. of marriage after being together 8 yrs...but I tell you what she changed him...now we have 2 little girls and he is VERY hands on, outside to play, tubs, bed, dinners if I am not home..playing barbies, house whatever..
As for going back to work..you could make a substantial living from home, I do! I have my own home based referral business so I am the ONLY one taking care of the girls during the day ( I would be happy to share if you like)...and occassionally I take in a little girl for extra money. Don't feel trapped, if you are already uttering the words I think I am falling out of love on a publice chat, I would say that is a HUGE red flag.
Babies change everything and duplicate their parents..keep that in mind..
C.
____@____.com

First of all you are lucky you are not married to him - no messy divorce. I have been a single Mom for 5 yrs now and if you can live with your parents and save money - do it! 45 minutes is a reasonable commute if he even wants to come see him. I struggle to pay my bills all the time and childcare is hugely expensive. If you are unyhappy with this guy now it will not get better. If he wanted to be a better father he would be. Get away from him and find a decent man to raise children with. My current BF has done more for my kids than their father will ever do.

Difficult to give an opinion and not to repeat what others already told you...but I want to comment on this...so briefly:
- first I'd try all possible ways to make it work, not for your son but for the 3 of you! then, you'll have your answers but as some already said it's a natural process...but reading your mail I did not have the impression you are in that moment yet.
- so, find a moment and talk with him, explain how you feel, what you expect/want from a couple...a determined and logical woman's speech is much more effective than hundred of tears, silence and complains.
- also bear in mind: that in different degrees we all experienced a kind of crisis around the 1st year of our baby! it's normal, you have to find a new "way" as a family now....he has to find his rol, to create a relationship with your child, so leave them alone! if you are around, it's mam who gives the bath, plays, runs after the baby! so leave him in charge for a while (go out with friends, just pretend you have something to do and go! you also need to have free time)....some men need more time to understand what they can do with a baby!
- find a new equilibrium...and spend sometime the 3 of you, and also spend time alone the 2 of you! for the last 12 months, everything was around the baby (normal! but now it's time to change..)
- stay at any cost? definitely, no! but giving up without trying, neither!
- if I were you, I'd call a friend/someone you trust and share how you feel, all the details.....why? first, to feel better, to "empty" your mind....second, because explaining others help to see things more clear...none of us, nor even your best friend have the answer you are looking for...it's inside you!
- you have plenty of answers here...even if you like or dislike some, all of them are usefull! because they may trigger something to think about! so GOOD LUCK!!

This sounds a lot like my scenario. However,I decided to leave. My husband and I have been seperated for almost a year now. I think that you should think about it long and hard before you do anything. Adding someone new to your family is a big transition. If at all possible I would try counseling and working it out. You should also consider your financial situation.It is very difficult raising a one year old on your own, especially if your fiance does not send enough to cover daycare,clothing etc. Good luck. C.

Go to a therapist - get counseling. Whether you stay or go you will be clearer and can make changes in an easier way with professional assistance and guidance. You ask if you have the "right" to move 45 minutes away. Perhaps another question would help - what is best for my son? and for me? What do I want? The first year as a mom is hugely challenging and there are so many demands and changes for both parents. In broad general term, men tend to think we women nag and overreact and women tend to think men don't prioritize us and therefore that means don't care in some way. There is more going on and if you get help you may be able to find a soft tender place in both of you. All the best!

To put it simply, no man will ever fully meet your expectations. People fall out of love and that is how it goes. Love is a choice. You chose to love or you don't. There is no way to control how another will choose to love you. I would suggest working it out for you and your partner. The world may not agree but your son is actually second to your relationship. The best thing to do for him is show him how a relationship works, not how to run when it feels hard to handle. Find some healthy and supportive friends. They can help you through the tough times.

I asked my daughters father to leave when she was 9 months old. I also felt that we were not a priority to him. In my case, I also caught him cheating. Either way I new this was not the relationship I wanted for myself of the type of father figure I wanted for my daughter. The thing I realized was that he was still the same person he always was, and it was me who changed. Having a child changed my perspective on things. Like you I had a career, and so I was able to support myself with out much help. I was also only 24 at the time. By the time my daughter was 13 months old I started to date my now husband. Unfortunately her father has chosen to not be a part of her life. Luckily she has not missed that connection because my husband is more of father than her biological father ever could be. Asking him to leave was by far the best choice I ever made.

I am kind of in the same boat as you. My hubby doesn't understand that we are a family and that it's time to grow up. Honestly, no he is not going to get it and marrying him is not going to make it better. I have stayed for the sake of my children and it is hard. I am also sick of being a single parent. You just have to get to a point where you have had enough. And it takes a long time to get there. I have told several people that, when my kids ask me I need to be able to tell them that I tried my hardest. But I would go where your family is. I wouldn't stay close to him for the sake of his child. Your son needs to see healthy relationships and the one your in isn't one. I would lay it on the line with him. Tell him that either he step up and be a good "husband" and father before anything else in his life or you are more then willing to move on. Good luck to you. This is probably the hardest thing you are ever going to have to do. But in the long run you will be stronger for it.

Do not stay if you think he will not change. Your son is so young that this is the time to change the routine and he will adapt. Do what is best for you and him. If you are happy with your parents and can live with them that is a great support for both of you. Do not settle ever...if you feel therapy could help try it. But if your issues aren't solved there is no reason to stay in a relationship that you are not happy in or that you are getting the support needed for your family.

Hi R., I am sorry you are going through this but we all live and learn. I guess you could try to spend some time with him before you make a decision to leave. Most men are very immature and resentful of the attention we give our children. On the other hand if you feel yourself falling out of love, be grateful you are not married to him. Divorce is so costly. Only you can make this decision and you must do what is best for you and your son. Surely it is good to stay together if you have something to hang on to. I would pray for guidance. Grandma Mary

HI R.,

Wow lots of responses. When I first had my son my hubby was a horror. Jealous, too tired, if the baby cried he handed him over, wanted bassenette in another room so he could get his rest. Meantime I had the baby blues big time , exhausted, back to work fulltime and doing everything, no family or friend to help. Mind you prior to baby he , my hubby, was a dream. So when my son was 4 months old I told him to get out. He was devastated. I gave him no choice and he slept on a friends couch for 2 weeks. Came back and begged for another chance. Which I granted. Complete turn around. Now he and our little guy are best buds, do everything together and the love my hubby has for our son is tangible. Maybe take a break see what he wants to do. If it doesn't work out 45 minutes is nothing. Do what your heart tells you. You are a mommy now and will always have your child as your first priority. Good luck. A. B

I think the question is: is saving the relationship worth your unhappiness? Children are incredibly observant and they watch how their parents interact. Either take positive steps to repair the relationship or move the other direction and plan life without him. Hanging in limbo, I'm sure, is just eating you up. I wish you much luck in this bend in your road.

Sorry to say this but your man sounds just like most men out there. Men are not wired for being parents like women are (in most cases) and I hope women on here tell you the truth about it. My husband does not bathe our son and I feel like I need to beg him to read him a book or get down to play with him on the floor. This changes later on when the kid can tell the dad what they want. At your son's age many men are put off and don't know how to deal with a baby. Many men feel it is mom's job to care for the baby and they take over the dad role when they get older. I don't think you are falling out of love as much as just overwhelmed with motherhood. This is normal for a relationship. I think you should put some effort into your relationship, get a babysitter and have a date with your man. See if you can talk to a counselor together and work things out. You should not stay for your son, you should stay for you. I think you have to think more about your priorities. It sounds like you are giving up before you even give things a chance.

The best thing you can do for your son and yourself is to move on. Be thankful that you are not yet married and don't have to go through a divorce and that you have supportive family willing to help. 45 minutes is no big deal for your fiance to come to visit his son, if he truly wants to spend time with him. Your parents can help care for your son while you're at work, which is a blessing for everyone. You need to move away from this situation and toward a new life with someone who will love you and your son and make family a priority. It is obvious your fiance is not this person and DON'T expect him to change. If anything, he will get worse, especially if you have more kids. There are lots of wonderful men out there...don't settle for this one!!
Good Luck & God Bless You! DB