Husbands Affecting Childs Sleep

My husband works late too. I do not keep my kids up. I do what is best for them. My husband sees the kids on the weekends. It is the quality of the time they spend together, not the quantity.

I know how you feel. I have two daughters 5 and 2 1/2 and a husband that leaves very early and usually comes home very late. My daughters usually only see their daddy on the weekends but it is daddys special time with his girls. If I know he is only going to be home a little after their bedtime I will let them stay up to see daddy but they usually only stay up with him for about 15 minutes then it is off to bed. Kids adapt. Mine are used to only seeing daddy on the weekends but the usually talk to him on the phone once a day. I know it is hard but I wanted to let you know that you are not the only one in this situation. Good luck to you in what ever you deceide to do.

Jenn

I hear you. I think this is a very common problem. My daughter goes to bed an hour or two later than normal if my husband comes home from work before her bedtime. Two things to try. Is it possible for them to have a lunch date once a week, maybe on a Wednesday? We do this and it's really nice for my daughter and husband. Something else that really worked for us was to develop a good bedtime routine and stick to it. Have your husband do bath time, tooth brushing, stories and songs. It's quality time together without the two of them getting over excited. Your son will learn to associate daddy with going to bed and it might be easier for everyone.

Hey J.,

I agree with Hannah, and Amy, I also know first hand how hard it can be my husband worked those hours when my kids were young as well. Is it possible he can go in a little later in the morning and spend maybe a half hour with the baby in the morning. It would be much better to go with an early rise then a later bed time. I would also try to put him in for his nap a little earlier. At my daycare the children go down for nap at 12 and usually sleep until 2. Maybe then you can get him in by 7 and if he wakes at 6 he can spend a little time with dad each morning. If that is not possible then I would do what Hannah and Amy suggested let daddy call him during the day and spend as much time with him on the weekends. Children have no concept of time so I am sure he does not realize he is only seeing dad on the weekends. Children adjust to whatever lifestyle we expose them to. As far as your husband he is not going to get it. When I would think my kids were sick my husband would tell me they were fine meanwhile they would have 103 temp. You are the mommy and we always know our kids best. I don't think your husband means anything by not agreeing with you I just don't think men think these things are a big deal. Mine thought I was neurotic. I bet they would think differently if they were the one dealing with an overtired child all day long!!! Men do not get it until they actually walk in our shoes. When my kids were little I had strep throat and 102 fever I was down for the count. My husband had to take off from work to care for the kids. Needless to say from my bed I listened to him struggle with "Mommy doesn't do it like that" at one point i was going to get up to help him but I just laid there and listened to it all unfold. When he came to bed that night he looked at me and said "How do you do this all day" that was it he never doubted me again. Staying home with your kids is the most difficult and at the same time the most rewarding job you will ever have. So I say do what is going to make your life easier and what is best for the baby. In time your son will be able to stay up a little later to spend time with dad but for right now let him get his sleep. You could always let him stay up late on a Friday night and go out for the day on Saturday and let daddy witness first hand the results of a late bedtime. lol!! Good luck!!

Do what is best for the child ALWAYS. He needs his sleep to develop and grow healthly and counts on you to see to it that his needs are met. Your husband is an ADULT, he's the one who needs to adjust to the situation, the childs routine...and what is best for the child.

My brother in law ran a family business. He worked hard, leaving the house while the family was sleeping and came home after the children were put to bed...He was lucky as he enjoyed his work. My sister who lived well because of it, complained about his hours as she felt like a single parent. He spent quality time with his children over the weekends, on holidays...he would show up for family functions, but always late. Yes, he missed out on a lot with his children but he did manage to develop a close and wonderful relationship with all three children. When the older two were in high school, and the youngest in public school, he sold the business and went into another thinking he's work hours would change...but although that was not the case and because the children were older at this time, he got to see them before they went off to bed. He spent quality time with them whenever possible...at that time now even taking his son with him if he had to check in on the business over the weekends...He's children loved spending time with him. Anyway, He finally sold the business and retired at age 49 when the older two were in their last year of college and the little one was in her last year of high school. At this time, He and my sister began to travel a lot making up for lost vacations.. The older two were in college in a different state...the youngest stayed with me while my sister and brother in law were away. After the youngest finished college and married. My brother in law and sister sold the house to the youngest child and her husband and moved to Florida. Nothing seemed to stop my brother in law in spending quality time not only with all his children but also his grandchildren... they all adored him. My brother in law who passed on a year ago is missed by them all. Now with a new grandchild who was given his name...

My point in telling you this story is so you'll know it's more of the same in many families....your husband needs to re-think fatherhood...because it is possible to have quality time with children without disrupting their routines.

I know this is hard. My kids have always been and still are miserable human beings if they stay up too late. They always always always wake up between 6:30-7:00 regardless of bedtime. This was especially so when they were very young. My youngest would have night terrors if he didn't go to bed early.

Sleep is so very important to a child's development. And I know there are many many parents who do not agree. It is not a matter of agreeing though, it is a fact that has been supported by good strong empirical evidence.

I know your hubby misses your son, and perhaps he can call during the day or at bedtime and hopefully make up for it on the weekends because it is essential that your son go to bed early enough and routinely. He should be getting an average of 12-14 hours of sleep including naps at his age. Soon enough he'll be able to handle staying up a little bit later, but not now.

What you're describing makes complete sense. It's so important for little ones to be on a consistent routine. You should shoot for roughly the same bedtime and naptime everyday, whatever that ends up being. So either let him see his dad every night or do weekends only. By the way, husbands often think the things we worry about are nuts but toddlers need 11-13 hours of total sleep everyday, including naps.

I see you got a lot of responses and I agree with putting your child on a schedule....but maybe you could try to meet in the middle...have baby in bed and tired when daddy comes home and daddy can read the bedtime story and give kisses...he will adjust his sleep after you do it for a week or so...they adjust everytime the daylight savings time changes...I've been where you are and there have been nights where my honey didn't get to see the kids because they fall asleep too fast, but bedtime kisses are a good solution...just remind your husband of the plan...don't ask questions or play with kids...just say I love you and goodnight...as your son gets older it's a nice routine to have that chat time with daddy, but for now stories and kisses are better than nothing...

Hi J.,
Just wanted to say I know how you feel. My son is 9 months old. My son misses his dad. My husband will get up at 5am to go to work and doesn't come home until 7 or 8pm. I used to put my son to bed at 8pm so at least my husband had an hour to see him but he would get him so wound up it took forever for him to fall asleep. He got overtired so wouldn't sleep well and then wouldn't nap. I tried asking my husband not to get him so excited but it was his only time to play with him. He works Saturday also and only has Sunday off. I read "No cry sleep solution" by Dr. Sears and it gave some pointers for sleep. I've got my son taking 2 1 1/2hr naps now. I also found he needs to be in bed by 7pm. He misses his Dad and I know it is hard on my husband but he agrees that the baby needs his sleep. I've just been trying to keep to the schedule and having the baby the priority. No right answer I don't think. You just have to do the best you can. I just wanted to let you know I totally understand how you feel.

I have to disagree with the other posts here. IF there is no reason for your son to get up early, train him for a later bedtime. He cant tell time. Once or twice a week wont work, it throws his whole schedule out of whack. It's important for father and son to spend time together and bond. Too many fathers dont care to spend time with their kids and its great that your husband wants to. I really dont understand the unwritten rule that kids have to be in bed by 7, to me its just a matter of convenience, so adults can watch prime time TV alone. Unless of course you both have to get up and take the baby to day care. Think how nice it would be to have morning to yourself. If he goes to bed at 10, he should sleep till 9 or 10 after a few days. Then his afternoon nap would be later too, 3 or 4 PM. Imagine if you moved to a different time zone, you would have to get him used to it then.

your son comes first- get the book- Healthy sleep habits, happy baby- your training him to sleep is the best gift you could give him- his dad will understand and will see him on the weekends- i was doing the same thing and it did no one any good. good luck!

You're the mom...do what you think is best for your son.

Hi Jennifer,
I had the same experience with my first child. The bottom line is the baby's development needs sleep. I eventually made the hard choice to put the children to bed before their father arrived in the evenings. And my husband worked on his schedule so that he could come home early one evening a week. But sleep and the routine that works for your child are so incredibly important going forward, I wouldn't compromise the evenings.
You can tell your husband that studies show children are more excitable when the working parent comes home. It is a natural reaction to a highly emotional stimmulus. Get him to come home early and read or even on the weekend you might give your husband several books to read to your son- that are daddy's special books, you know books you don't read to him and in that way get your husband to take it all down a notch. My husband reminds me that it is hard for partners to understand what is going on when they don't experience it themselves.
Good luck!

J.,
I would try not to stress so much. If your baby is tired, he'll sleep more during the day. Maybe try and get in a morning nap as well. Ideally, yes, you would like to put him down every night at the same time, but it is important for him to see his father, too. I wouldn't force him to stay up, but if he happens to be up, let him play with daddy. Then, maybe take him away at a set time and put him down yourself. Or make Daddy do it.

Your child needs to be in bed by that time. I have read numerous research about sleep and it comes down to an early bedtime is needed. Does your husband not see him in the morning? I would focus on an early bedtime routine -- start @ 6:30 even just focus on your childs best interest and follow his cues. Have your routine of bath, massage, books, etc -- and if your husband should happen to come home while this routine is going on, direct him to do the bedtime routine. I understand the baby is prob very excited to see dad, so is it possible to meet your DH for lunch? Or even like a video messaging. I would definitely talk about dad a lot and show pics. Have your child make art for the dad, take lots of pics and email them to dad while he is at work along with special notes of what we are doing today, etc... Make dad feel involved, but he has to understand your childs health comes first!!! Teach him how to do the bedtime routine, if he does it on the wknds then he will get good at it and can do it when he comes in if your baby is still awake. I read a good article from the supernanny book addressing this same issue. If you need me to scan and email it to you I will. My husband isn't always coming in late, but he totally understands and he is more calming than I am!!!

It's hard to decide what is more important for your child's development, sleep or developing a relationship with Dad. In reality they are both equally important. I like the idea of a lunch date 1-2 days during the week if possible. Maybe when Dad comes home he can give your son a bath and read to him while he falls asleep. If your son wakes up early, have Dad go to him instead of you, it's bonding time for them and then Dad can feel the side effects of the situation. If you can get your son to sleep an extra half hour at nap time it might give him a little extra time at night - but I know it does not always work out that way sometimes it's just a good theory. If this doesn't work, then make sure you make yourself scarce part of the weekend so your son and hubby have bonding time. If you decide not to keep your son up at night, then see if your hubby would be willing to be recorded reading a variety of books so you can incorporate that into your son's bedtime so he still gets Daddy time each day. Yes, Daddy will be missing out but your son will still be getting his needs met by getting his sleep and having Daddy time.

I have been in that same situation, and the only thing I can tell you is do NOT keep your child up. It is not fair to your child, and you have to put their needs first. Your husband will have to find another time to see his child, but after bedtime is not an option. At this age children are not meant to be staying up late. My husband only sees our child on weekends for this very reason, but after months of trying to keep him up to see daddy it was a disaster, and we had a chronically overtired kid. Put your child first, that is what parenting is all about - try to make your husband understand that.

Hi J.!
I had the same problem. I decided to let my daughter stay longer and longer every day until she started going to sleep very late (11pm). This way my husband was with her every day and she had enough time to calm down before going to sleep. Routine included her “reading“ in her bed before sleep (for an hour!), so she was speaking loudly while looking at the pictures, until the silence.. zzzz…. At first she was sleeping longer in the afternoon, but later she started to wake up later. This was working well for us. Hope this helps. And it was the same situation – when you speak to your husband about that, he doesn’t share your concerns. It would be easiest for him if you will just tell him what you decided to do then to ask him to help you decide. Just come with the rules and help him follow them. He can learn to practice some not-so-wild activities with your son after 9pm and not to be playful with him once he is in the bed. Maybe he'll need help with this - wild play somehow always comes naturally for most of the fathers. Or just let them play together until decided time, and then playing time is over. Now your husband must decide - is he just for playing or he will be involved in what's coming next. Most of the fathers run away when playing time is over. Later thay are surprised when child is older and say to them that mum is the boss. If your husband doesn't want that, he will learn to be more than just a playmate to your son. Don’t worry, it’s all normal, and be patient, you’ll find a way.
Best, S.

Hi J.,
As I understand it, our babies need sleep for good brain development. The more deprived of sleep the less the baby's brain has a chance to recharge. My husband's schedule (also strange) takes a back seat to the baby's sleep needs. As long as they get plenty of time together when he is home, I feel no guilt in letting her sleep. We have talked about it and my husband agreed not to get her all wound up before bedtime, and it seems to be working better. He uses his "inside voice" and lets her do the moving and shaking. If he reads a book, its in a calm and quiet voice, etc. This does not apply when it's her awake time. they both seem to look forward to being rambunctious when it's not time for sleep. Our daughter is 8 months old.
Good luck!

It is going to be impossible for your husband to understand, but your son is not getting what he NEEDS to be healthy, smart, and happy. You're absolutely right about this, because you are his mama. Your entire focus is on his well being! Your instincts, your reflection, your ability to connect with your child- trust these.

But I'd bet the bank your husband will never agree with your opinion on this! He loves his son, and he knows (rightly so) that he is an integral part of his life! Your son needs both daddy and sleep! And to your husband, it's clear that daddy should come first.

In reality, health comes first. But daddy is so important too. Until your husband finds a balance with his work schedule, you're going to have to compromise. Either your son gets up early OR he stays up late. Not both. It seems like the best would be that daddy comes home and just gets that last 30 minutes of quiet time with his baby- bath, book, bed. No funny business!

Buy a computer camera, and do video chats a couple of times a day. Your son will LOVE it, and your husband will find that he really can connect with him this way. And be firm about what you know your son needs, while still validating how important the daddy-son bond is!

Good luck, hon. I know you must be really conflicted about this, and so frustrated to see your little guy exhausted. :(

If you are going to try to adjust your child's sleep schedule to stay up later and wake up later, you will HAVE to buy blackout curtains for your child's room. Sounds like your son wakes up according to how bright the sun is, just like my daughter. Give it a try, but if it doesn't work and your son is still not getting enough sleep, your husband may have to get used to seeing your son on the weekends. It may sound harsh, but you will adjust and probably be much happier with a well-rested child.