Another poster suggested marriage counseling and I think that is a good idea....even if things are going well who couldn't use some additional skills?!
So, how do you approach that subject with your husband? If I ask mine to go, he will probably become defensive and act as if I am askinbg him because he is doing something wrong. He sees counseling as a thing you do when things are bad....which is true, but how do I make him see it as a positive thing and get him to go??
Denise - No, I am not "looking for a problem" or basing my life on others. So strange that you would think that. I have been bothered by my husband's lack of affection for a while now. I guess it would also have to do with the fact that we aren't getting along as well, never are alone, and I don't feel his is showing me love in other ways as others suggested (making me things, telling me, etC) I asked a girlfriend how she and her husb are, just to see if I was overreacting and if this is normal guy behavior. She said her hubby is loving iwth her, cuddles her in bed, etc....so, I thought I would ask on here to see what others experiences are like. Seems to me most can get affection from their husbands when asked.
My fear in going alone is that he would think I am making the therapist biased - telling him or her all bad stuff or whatever, getting him or her on my side. I have a feeling that is what he will think, and then he will be even more reluctant to go. What do you think?
** I know they won't take sides, but I don't thikn he will trust that. But I will sure try! I know we BOTH need work - who doesn't, right?
I don't have a suggestion for how to suggest it to him, but I do suggest finding a male counselor. Good luck.
You could start by telling him you are going to counseling yourself. Then invite him along (for first session, or after one or two). If he is defensive I wouldn't approach it like there is something wrong with your marriage -- maybe tell him there are some thing you want to work on yourself and maybe he can help you by coming along. Based on your other post I wouldn't say *you're* the one with issues :), but it could get him in the counselor's door to frame it this way. Good luck!
ETA: Therapists won't take sides -- don't worry! Also, often in marriage counseling therapists will also see each person individually. If he's still concerned, tell him he can come with you from day one, or you are going alone, whatever he prefers.
I told my guy that it would be in HIS best interest; that we would agree on a 3rd party mediator, and we're not going because anything's wrong, we're just getting a 'check up' for our relationship to make sure we're still on the same page. Encourage him to think of things that bug him (and you can't get mad or defensive), and tell him you want to be the best wife you can be. Of course, you're going for you BOTH, but with my guy, it only worked once I told him it was mainly for his benefit ;)
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I would go alone at 1st. Tell him you have some personal stuff you want to work on and think it would benefit you to talk to a professional. Just report to him how great it is and how much you are getting out of it. Tell him all the upside, that counselors giving you skills for daily living and not going all deep and personal into your emotional baggage. I've seen that is where a lot of men are reistant to counseling, because they think of traditional emotional therapy delving into stuff they've buried and don't want to talk about. Once they see it's more trying to find solutions to problems and a daily how to, they are more likely to get on board. Once you've shown him how non-invasive it is and how much you are getting out of it, then casually offer to let him come with you.
You could try explaining it as "When you start trying to build something, say a shed or a swingset, you start going through your toolbox and realize that maybe you could use better tools to get the job done faster/better/more efficiently/more enjoyably. Well, that is what marriage counseling is: getting tools from a trained professional to help us get better communication and more joy and satisfaction out of our marriage. There is nothing wrong with our marriage, in that nothing is horribly wrong, but I would us to be the best "us" we can be, and sometimes that takes an outside perspective."
You could also spin it similarly, saying, if you were building a swingset and a professional builder happened to be buy, and gave you some good tips on improving your techniques or upgrading your tools, and it resulted in building a better, safer swingset more quickly with less work and more enjoyment, would you take the professional's advice? Yes? Well, the same with a marriage counselor.
Or, spin like going to the doctor's for annual check-ups and screenings. There may not be anything wrong, but the doctor might catch something that is just starting to go wrong, and/or make some suggestions on how to improve your quality of life (ie, better diet, more exercise, LOL).
I wish you much luck with this. There is a lot more stigma against counseling among men than among women, imo, unfortunately.
Be honest with him tell him you don't think that there is anything wrong in your marriage but that counseling is a good way to learn new skills to keep the relationship growing in the right direction.
Instead of counseling you may consider joining a couples group. Our church has a marriage ministry and as couples we do things together as well as talk.
You may also open up some dialog. In my marriage we have a report card of sorts. We ask each other how we are doing? My husband asked me what I don't like about him. I couldn't honestly think of a thing. Not that he is perfect but mostly when I'm annoyed with him it is because I'm either tired or hungry and that has nothing to do with him.
Before I jumped into the couseling road, I may just consider having dialog with him or even try some kind of marriage or couples ministry thing at a local church.
My approach has been to emphasize that I want to work on my stuff and would like for him to be in on it. It's not just the story I tell him, I make that my actual goal, because I don't want to go into it thinking that I need to change him. What I really need are coping skills to respond to where I am (and sometimes just validation for my perspective), not to change who another grown person is.
I read and commented on your other thread. Here is the thing some guys touch other guys don't. Asking how many women have husbands that touch is no more relevant to what is a guy thing than to ask how many are married to introverts vs. extroverts. It is part of their personality.
Therapy is not going to make your husband become tactile anymore than therapy can make him want to jump off a cliff if he lacks the personality to want to jump off cliffs. Yeah you can go and bully him into hugging you more but at the cost of his personal comfort.
You are pretty much asking him to be uncomfortable to make you happy. Clearly that is one sided.
