Only in My life...therapist Won't Take Us as clients...is That a Sign?

J.B.,

it is so easy to see this from a negative perspective, but I do think you should see it in a positive light. She recognized that it was beyond her capability to help you to the best extent, so she wants you to find someone better equipped for the job.

Please do not take this personally. This is about her, not you guys, really.

Are you hearing this from him? Or from her? This doesn't pass the sniff test, in my book. Why would he see her first without you? That seems strange. And what did he say that caused her to draw that conclusion? Something here isn't right.

JB, I am stunned for you! No one has the right to tell you that and certainly not someone who calls therapy their profession.

Just move on and find someone else. No online gold stars for her!

I have had therapists who couldn't handle all that I brought to the table. They weren't trained in what I needed, they were too timid with me, I was uncomfortable talking about certain aspects of my life, whatever the reason was, I moved on to someone else and every time I did I had to start over. These people were assigned to me, so I didn't have the luxury of shopping around, I had one agency willing to care for me and provide the services I needed. At least she was up front with you. Your therapist should be someone who can help you navigate the complexities of your issues and help you advocate for yourself in finding other support systems. This wasn't the one for you. At least she was honest and didn't take money from you for 6 months and then tell you.

I really like you JB, so it gets my goat that you are rolling up your sleeves once again and preparing for a lifelong process in which you "help" him, you "forgive" him, you want it to "work" when you already know it is what it is. Mostly I'd like to slap him around a little. Geez.

I can't judge because I've chosen a similar plight.

I just want better for you cuz you are just cool.

Anyway, go ahead, get your own personal therapist, 10 bucks says she tells you just what I did just now.

Overall, I wish JB would take care of JB, see?

But you keep beating that dead horse.

<3

JB...
First I want to say that I have always felt supported over the years by you.

I have always read your replies with interest, and have appreciated your posts.

I am NOT sure if your situation is too complicated for her or not. It does not matter.

I would, (if it were me) seek a therapist for ME...and then when you have a firm foot...perhaps include your hubby.

You have myriad issues with which to deal...insurance...picky hubby (and self)....

Blended family
TEENS
ADHD

YITE!!!

****(((((HUGS))))****

Having said ALL that my friend, *I* would begin with a great therapist FOR ME!

Then...with that guidance/direction...see what resources emerge. They will :)

I hold 'good thoughts and prayers' for you...

I want to re state how much help YOU have been for me over the years....

PM me if I can help in any way!!

(((hugs)))

It must feel that way to you and to your H, but if it's a sign, it's a Yeild sign.

I only say these things because I care..and you are too close to the situation to see clearly.

I think you need to prioritize. In order to do that correctly, you need to see a therapist first. I know it's a crazy life with the things that need attention but the wheels are coming off your family. Take the time to see your own therapist.

Don't send the one who is the most broken, to find your therapist. it's like, let's see, who is the least able to communicate effectively, be the least rational, and be the least trustworthy to communicate the outcome of the session? Oh yeah, I'll send my H! You don't even let him deal with all your kid's issues! What were you thinking? Were you avoiding? Me thinks so.

I know he has the most narrowed list of things he wants in a therapist but you need help now. Your kids need help, yesterday. Let the ball and chain go down with the ship and for Pete's sake, jump off this boat!

You arrange and juggle schedules and travel and way too much sports, to say you can't manage the time for this. Your son almost made the mistake of a lifetime. What if you gave him the best Hockey skills out there and he screwed up his beautiful sports chances, by making really bad life decisions? In this country we have kids who have the best skills we could hone but no chance to use them because they don't have coping skills.
How badly do you want to give him coping skills? Find him a therapist.

Sorry I played Dr. Phil today. But how's that working for you? It's not.

Please re-read your post.

She did not say that "it would be a waste of time to fix" your issues. She did not say you were "beyond help" -- Did she? Did your husband say she actually used those exact terms? I would find that very hard to believe from any real therapist. So the words are his, or yours? The fact you or he use those terms to interpret her is very telling. Is it possible that you're leaping to this most negative of pictures in your mind because you have feared for a while that your family couldn't be helped? I don't know, only you know, but please - if you've been in therapy before, can you use those skills to stop, step back from the emotions, and see that you are interpreting her this way but the idea is coming from somewhere inside you, possibly?

She only said that the complexity of the issues means you need to stop looking for one therapist and start looking at therapy as a package deal, with both individual and family issues being addressed, separately and together. I would be very glad she was so frank with him. Better for her to direct you elsewhere than to take your money and do a poor job.

It's also possible, isn't it, that your husband -- who's picky, right? -- painted a picture of the situation for her that is not how YOU see the situation and the needs here. Could it be possible that he's undermining the idea of therapy by being so picky? That no doctor is really good enough, or "gets" your family, etc., so you're never going to end up really getting what you need in his eyes?

I'd listen to her. Did he ask her if she could recommend how to start getting this multi-step help? therapists?

It's your wake-up call, not a statement that you are all unfixable or your family's a waste of time. Listen to it. She is saying that her time and her practice are not for you, but she is not saying you're so broken that no one can help -- in fact, she recommended a plan for you to pursue! I hope you can get past your husband's pickiness here, get him to move along faster, and get some therapists lined up sooner rather than later. But please beware of leaps from "I'm not the person to handle this with you" all the way to "You are beyond any help." That's the emotions and the feelings of rejection talking -- not the therapist herself.

oh, my dear! don't let this derail you!
your husband, who sounds somewhat on the difficult side, is the only one who met her and presented her with the situation, so you can imagine how it was laid out. and i'll bet dimes to donuts that SHE didn't present it to him as 'you're beyond help and a waste of my time.' you know your husband looks at things sometimes with a...er.....somewhat skewed perspective.
therapists are people and very individual, so i commend her for being insightful enough to know her strengths and weaknesses, and it's very, very likely that THAT is what she was referencing, nothing to do with your 'worthiness' as patients.
and really, individual as well as family therapy probably would be beneficial if it's an option financially, isn't it?
so i don't think it's just one person's opinion (unless it's of herself) or a wake up call that your family is doomed. it's simply the observation of one professional that you can factor into your ongoing quest for solutions.
and i hope you find one, JB. you are very dear to many of us here.
khairete
S.

Hmmm….this could be wake-up call. Could be that the therapist didn't feel that your husband is willing to listen or put in the work necessary to work on your marriage issues. In that case, you do indeed need individual counseling to help YOU decide what YOU should do if your husband refuses to make any positive changes.

Doesn't sound like your husband is showing the therapist any willingness to participate in therapy, other than showing up. How would I respond? I would make an appointment with this therapist (alone) and ask her what she saw in my husband to make her come to the conclusion that your issues with your husband are beyond help. You may indeed be throwing your life away to continue to fix something that doesn't want to be fixed.

I think this is one person's opinion AND a wake-up call. Best of luck to you. This must be so unnerving to hear!

I would think that she lacks the training and /or experience to help you, be glad she was honest and realize her comment is not about you. She is making this decision based on her ability to meet your needs. It's like going to an internist when you have clogged heart arteries. The internist will send you to a cardiologist. Mental health professional aabilities aren't as easily identified as medical doctors. But even with medical specialists one cardiologist work better with some conditions than with others.

It is not so much that you are beyond help, well I suppose you can look at it like that but your husband cannot be helped. There are those that simply will never take a critical look at themselves. They seek a therapist that will tell them yes, you are perfect, everyone else has the problem. An honest therapist will say sorry but we can't help you.

What she means is you, your family, can be helped with coping with him but he cannot be helped.

An example, my youngest, for whatever reason, well because he hates women (long story) he went after her with all the anger he could muster. My kids are like me, rather strong, able to stand up for themselves so she did. The doctor got her a therapist for her anger even though clearly he was the problem. You cannot change my ex but they gave her the tools to work through it.

She is 13 now, she has given up on playing nice. Oops I digress.

Your husband does not have mild bi polar, there is no mild bi polar. You either have it or you don't. You don't want to leave him for whatever your reasons are so you make it mild, I can handle this, blah blah blah. Trust me as a child of a "mild" bi polar that my dad didn't think needed to see a doctor and get medicated, it sucks! to be the child of a bi polar who's spouse wants to put their security above their kids mental stability.

Well considering I was raised by a whack job, because of that married a whack job, I would respond with, ya know you are right!

You sent your husband, who looks for every possible excuse to avoid seeing a therapist, to her office alone to talk to her. Who knows what she really said?

I say find your own therapist and someone for your kids and build from there.

I think she is spot on. When my husband and I needed therapy we went to both individual seasons and couples sessions. We were able to do them with the same therapist, and it always amazed me how she was able to keep straight what was said in each session, she never accidentally revealed anything from an individual session during a couples one. BUT, I imagine that would be almost impossible if you were seeing so many separately and all together, it would just be too much to keep track of and there would be a huge risk of her accidentally saying something during family time that was supposed to be kept in a private session.

My DD was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder - and she is now doing very wonderfully. BUT - we've had two different counselors "fire" us for different reasons. The first one just didn't have enough experience and after about 6-7 visits just felt she couldn't give her the kind of help she needed. Believe it or not I'm FB friends with her and I so appreciated her candor.

Another counselor was part of a practice that specialized in a DBT program(type of therapy for people with my daughter's diagnosis). It involved individual therapy, group therapy and family educational sessions. Although I think the other counselors in this practive might have been good - this particular lady was too self-involved. When I called her to ask her about advice she gave my DD (she told my then 14 yr old that it was OK to have sex as long as it wasn't with different guys *all* the time, and that she didn't have to follow her parent's religion, etc.) she refused to talk to me - saying that there was patient confidentiality. My DD grew to really dislike her. And one day after arguing with my DD over something she called me in tears and told me that her feelings were hurt and she would no longer treat my child. I apologized but then asked her wasn't my DD's behavior consistent with people with her diagnosis?

SO - don't take this as a set-back or be ofended. But if your family is that complex then you will be much better off with someone who has the stamina to deal with the facets of your situation. Perhps you don't all need the same therapist. Lots of kids / teens have ADD and don't need regular therapy - but only occastional sounding board. To me it sounds like your husband is the difficult to treat patient and he should probalby look for a therapist all his own. Having a bi-polar issue is not an easy thing to treat - he needs someone with lots of patience and experience. While you, and the teens/kids seem to need less intense, but supportive care.

Don't think for a minute taht you're the only family with multiple issue and dysfunction. We are a fallen people - we're all dysfunctional - but some of those dysfunctions are more socialy acceptable (aloholism, workoholic-ism, anxiety, etc.) Some of the most successful people I've worked with over the years are truly bat-crazy and highly dysfunctional - and I've often been so very glad I wasn't their kids... ;o)

I think I would wonder what your husband said. If he's not invested in making changes to improve the relationship, she may not feel it's worth the time on her end. I've known a couple who were both eventually kicked out of therapy; she was a total narcissist who didn't like hearing that she couldn't blame everyone else for her (self-inflicted) problems and he was just unwilling to make the changes he paid lip service to.

Anyway, from my perspective, this may be of the wake up call variety as opposed to anything about you in particular or the therapist, either. I think it is emotionally hard work to be a therapist and if you've had multiple experiences of being burned by someone who just isn't invested in making changes in their own lives, you probably want to put your practice to better use for both yourself AND your client. (No one wants to put time and effort into a job which feels futile, even if you are being paid.)

For what it's worth, a therapist I know recently told me that a lot of therapists are not seeing children any more because it's the parents that often need to do the work and are unwilling to change; in short, the kid isn't the sole problem but the parents sometimes look at it from that sort of selfish perspective. I think this is really about self-protection and not wanting to be part of making the most helpless party in the group feel bad-- and also about just not wanting to be around toxic people. I don't have a better answer for you, JB, and I KNOW you are really working hard to figure out what's best for your family. Personally, if it were me in your situation, I'd probably focus on myself and the kids and let husband sort himself out and then do family counseling with as many amenable parties (okay, self and kids if that's what happened and husband didn't want to go) because I would want the kids to know that no matter what, *I* was not going to give up on them and that I cared enough to make the effort and be willing to change. I also want to say that I'm not trying to make assumptions, but just from the gist of your other posts on your relationship, it seems like you are the one willing to go the extra mile on a lot of things.

ETA: I think Talks to Trees also has an excellent point regarding past experience, ability, etc. Be glad you know sooner than later.

I would take it as she knows her professional limitations and you need to seek additional resources. Kind of like if you had a foot problem and were referred to an orthopedic surgeon to fix it. Not something your GP can do in the office with a band aid. I would actually appreciate her honesty and start looking for more individualized care. I'd be upset that she said she didn't think it would help anyway, but take it that she is not the right person to use (and that is her first impression), vs you're helpless.

It also kind of depends on what she meant by that. Sometimes even if the "whole" is broken, parts can be mended. I would call the other guy you liked and ask if he knows anyone you might use as a resource and go from there to try to find someone who takes your plan. The lack of options in mental health care is appalling in this country so you may also consider how much you could pay out of pocket to use someone who works well with you. If you cannot immediately get DH on board, I think you have a good plan to get the kids into therapy themselves.

Individual counseling for you may also provide you personal clarity in the overall situation. What do YOU need and want? Can you get it with this current situation? Etc.

I would also appreciate a counselor that said no vs one that milked your insurance, wasted your time, and did you no favors. Been there, done that, didn't even get a cookie. Wasn't worth the copay and I fired her.

Perhaps she could have explained it better. But also you say your husband met with her alone, and then he told you what she said? Maybe that's not exactly the way she said it. Remember the childhood game of "Playing Telephone"? The 2nd person never relays the story the way the first person said it. And if your husband has mental health issues, he may have more trouble sorting out what she said - it's possible you'd have heard something different.

It may also be that your husband communicated, in these 10 minutes, such a massive array of issues and perhaps his own demands about someone's experience and credentials, that she picked up on his unwillingness to fully participate in therapy? Or perhaps she felt there would be medical issues involved and that it would be more beneficial to put some or all of you with a clinician (psychiatrist or at least a multi-person practice) who could prescribe medication if needed.

If you went to your primary care physician, described your symptoms, and that physician referred you to a specialist, would you be offended that this wasn't your physician's area of expertise? Or would you say you were glad the doctor was referring you to someone with the appropriate focused practice in the subject area? You'd probably appreciate it. It works the same way with therapy. They have specialties, areas where they focus, and so on. They also have existing client loads and may feel that they don't have enough openings to help several members of one family without you having to wait for appointments.

It may also be that your husband, because of his personality or perhaps bipolar disorder (if he's been diagnosed) gave an indication that he's not all that open to therapy anyway, or that he's not really feeling a connection with her at all. In which case, she would spend the first few months trying to convince him to participate, to trust her, to respect her, and so on. He's making decisions about other therapists without even meeting them, right? He's looking at their resume or where they went to school or what they list as their areas of specialization, and making decisions before the fact.

So I would go back to your prior therapist for a referral, or go to your family physician who already knows the issues in the family, and ask for some referrals to a practice that takes your insurance and specializes in the initial areas of need in your family. It may be that there are other things that will be uncovered and prioritized during assessment. Sometimes what WE think are our biggest problems just aren't, because there is an underlying issue.

It's really important that you not take this as an insult, but as a redirection toward someone who can help you. There is always help out there - so why spin your wheels with the wrong specialty? This is NOT a situation where the problems aren't fixable! So if your husband is discouraged, then you have to be the one to find a new person. Someone who has experience in dealing with clients who don't like a lot of therapists and who prejudge (or judge quickly) whether they are going to be "acceptable" or "qualified" is what you want.

In most cases, it IS helpful for each family member to have their own therapist so they feel that their own issues are front and center (as well as confidential). My husband and I did that - we each found someone in a group practice who would then (and only with our permission) speak to each other and help come up with a combined approach. We had our own person, and then we worked with one of them with both of us in the room. It worked out great.

She was just saying she felt that SHE wasn't up to dealing with all your collective issues.
It doesn't mean that someone else would not be up for the challenge.

ADD: My sister, who is now divorced (hint) went to counseling with her husband. He only went because he "had" to. And he felt "ganged up on" because it was true - HIS behavior was the largest issue. It was finally over when he hit her. She left. Much too late, I think, for their son, who learned how to be a man from this giant a-hole, and who was probably emotionally abused at the very least while she was working full time to provide for them while hubby was "building a house" (which was NEVER COMPLETED - 15 years and just a shell). Don't let him drive this bus, and get off it if he won't be a good passenger with all of you.

ORIGINAL: If she only met your husband, then it's not you all. Therapists and their clients need to click. She may not have seen that she would click with him and wouldn't be able to efficiently serve you all because of that.

One person's opinion.

If you haven't already, ask your previous counselor for referrals. He KNOWS you, so may know who might be a good match.

Does the therapist who you all had a great connection with have a referral for you? Does your insurance offer "out of network" options? Given the issues that your family is dealing with, if your insurance does have "out of network" options, going back to the man who was helping you the most would be my first suggestion.

Secondly, when you search for a clinician, is there any way for you to specify that ADHD and bi-polar disorder are issues in your household?

I gotta tell ya, from personal experience, if your husband has been diagnosed with BPD and refuses to be treated with the proper medication, that's a tough nut to crack. My husband is not bi-polar, but probably deals with clinical depression for which he will not be medicated. That's a tough one. Personally, I have diagnosed clinical depression and anxiety issues. If I chose to forgo medication, I would destroy my family unit.

Please try not to let what this particular clinician had to say to you ring for too long for you. I know that is hard to do, as I am guessing you feel pretty alone right about now.

I am attaching a link for you. You probably have already seen this, so, if you have, please accept my apologies. This may help you though:

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.ph...

All my best J.B.

E.

Perhaps she didn't like your husband and this was her way of getting out of forming a professional relationship? I'm not saying this is the right way to handle it.

Just a thought . . .

Part of being bi-polar is a lack of trust and thinking everyone is out to get you. So his take on everyone that doesn't agree with him over 100% is that they are the enemy. So with that said. If I were in your shoes, I would get help for myself, help for the kids and then you will be better equipped to handle your bi-polar husband.

Just a tip from someone who has had to deal with this issue in a relative for a lifetime - DON'T FEED THE CRAZY. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Don't respond or entertain it at all. When you feed it it only grows. We have learned to starve the crazy. It seems to be the most helpful thing we do but by the same token we don't live with the crazy any longer.

Get yourself help and the kids too. Either he will or he won't get help but often times they won't when they have their cake and get to eat it too.

It's not a waste of time to try to fix the issues! Thank god she did not take your money/insurance and waste your time. You need a super heavy lifter with experience in majorly difficult situations. She's not that person, and thankfully she let you know. Nothing stinks worse than laying out your life shpeel to some expensive hack and realizing over time they have NO valuable help to give you. Carry on and best of luck!

I think you should listen. It may be that she's the only one being honest with you.

We see individual, well, hubby has his own, grandson has his own, and when granddaughter wants someone to talk to she gets her own. Then we have one we all see together for family therapy.

It won't matter how much you work on the family if each individual is still holding on to wrong behaviors, bad attitudes, maybe even misdiagnosis, and many other things. Each person needs someone they can visit with on their own that will be there for them only.

It may also be that the one therapist could see everyone so they could get the whole picture. This may actually help expedite the sessions so you can be done sooner.

You will, really must, sign papers so that they can have access to each other for consults. If they need to ask another person to clarify something or address a concern they need that paper signed or they can't talk to about the cases at all.

No one is beyond help. With the right therapists (and possibly medications if necessary), your family can absolutely move past these issues and learn to function as a stronger unit.

As hard as it may be to feel rejected by the therapist, understand that it is a reflection of HER ability (or lack thereof), rather than of the problems within your family. She is not qualified to help you, but that doesn't mean no one is. Many therapists specialize in certain types of cases (such as teens, couples, people with depression, etc) and she might not be up to the task of taking on a whole family with a variety of issues.

I am so sorry it didn't work out, but please don't give up. There is a therapist out there who WILL help your family.

ETA: She is probably right about one thing - you will likely benefit from a combination of group and individual therapies.

Maybe it has nothing to do with YOUR family and everything to do with her experience.

Maybe you won't appreciate my comment. Maybe you will. I don't know. I say this rather "wryly". I'd take this as a sign that you need to divorce your husband. Enough already with him.

Sorry, I wouldn't have hung in there anywhere as long as you have.

Don't see it as a rejection of you. Therapists are people, and it's important for them to recognize their limitations. It's why people have specialties. If she communicated it to you just like that ("and that she didn't think it would help anyway"), then I believe that she was a tad unprofessional. Maybe your husband paraphrased using his slant as a filter?

If you are looking for couples therapy, I would think it would be important for you both to go together to check out a new therapist. If your DH is indeed bi-polar, there is a very high chance that the words you are hearing are not exactly what she said. Most therapists are highly trained and very empathetic, so I highly doubt that she said you are beyond help or not worth fixing, or it wouldn't help anyway. If you go too, you will be there to hear what the person has to say and how they say it.

In any case, it sounds like you have received some very good advice about taking yourself to treatment so that you have a sounding board about how to live with a challenging partner and to get your kids some help, and family help so that you can all work together.

good luck to you, your situation sounds challenging.