Losing a Loved One - West Bloomfield,MI

M. - I am so sorry for your loss. I know the guilt that comes with being the "far away" child too. Someone earlier suggested having your mom come stay with you in the nicer weather and if she is able I think that is a great idea.
Also I wanted to let you know that our church offers a grief and loss group. I have never been part of it but people who have credit it with really helping them heal. I don't know where you stand faith -wise but this is a United Methodist Church and anyone is welcome to the groups. Check out the website for more info - www.fumcbirmingham.org
Seeing a counselor on your own can also be really helpful and worth while, especially if your insurance covers all or part of it.
Take care,
B.

M.,
You have at least one 'sister' who knows the loss. Probably many of us here have gone through the loss. I lost my dad in '05. The last couple of weeks of his life were difficult on everyone, and it crushed my mom to put him in a facility, but she was getting over pneumonia and didn't have the strength to assist him. We knew a facility would at least have staff there to help him. But it turns out he was only there a short time and then he was gone. We were fortunate as a family to have a combined get together there with him the day before he passed away.
M., just remember the days with your dad that make you smile. I knew that music and familiar songs brought some smiles and interaction with my dad and seemed to calm him. So when he was in hospital a month before he passed away I went to his room and I started singing a couple of songs he'd known growing up and passed along to our family. And by golly he just chimed right in! Precious memories, M..
You're welcome to email me any time. I have 3 boys, my youngest is 17.

M.,

I don't have any real advice to give you, but I just wanted you to know that I will pray for your heart to heal and for you to not have guilt about your ability to help as much as your siblings. I'm sure your father would want you to do what is best for his grandson's by being there for them. I'm sure your mom knows you love her and that you wish you could help more. I'm sure your sister is feeling stressed out and taking it out on you. Maybe you should have a gentle heart to heart with her and let her know how you are feeling.

God Bless,
A.

I am so sorry to hear about your Father. I lost my Mom to Lung cancer almost 3 years ago.
Your letter touched me deeply and reflected so many of my own feelings.
I found joining a grief support group through church (Northridge church, Plymouth ,MI) to be helpful. Just to talk and listen to other people at the same life stage. To have a sanity check. That it is OK and normal to feel this way. After going through the grief group it also helped me to realise I needed a little mre help than I had admitted to. The Doctor explained that the hormones in my body were out of "whack" caused by stress (Mothers death, birth of child, illness, moving house, changing jobs and states within 12 months)she put me on a low dose anti depressant, it helped me gain a little more control of my feelings and stopped the rollercoaster emeotions enough that I could begin to get life back into perspective.
The guilt you feel regarding your Mother, is again normal and natural. My Father was devastated by my Mothers death. He lives in the UK and I live in Michigan. I get the guilt.
You are where you are meant to be, with your husband and children. Your job is to help them through life. Help out in Chicago as and when you can. Trust your instincts. My Father really helped me when he told me that even if I were with him 24 hrs a day 7 days a week he would still miss my Mom just as much and that me "babying " him would only make his recovery worse.
Take care.
Remember God promises...."this too shall pass"

Dear M.,

My condolences to you and your family.
May your days ahead be filled with love, comfort and peace.

So sorry to hear about your loss. My Mother recently made her transition and my Father made his 2 decades ago. I still miss both of them. It'll take a while for the pain to subside.
It sounds like you are on the right track to handling your loss.
You are right, you need someone to talk to. So talk to your husband, sibblings, friends and family. You can also try writing down what is bothering you (like you did in this message)and then tear it up when you finish. It will give you some relief. This is good to do when there are things you may not feel comfortable or want to talk about with others.
The best of everything to you and yours.

M.,
I'm so sorry for all your losses. Life can be hard sometimes. If you're looking for a support group, I would call a funeral home close to you and ask them. I believe they can point you in the right direction. A therapist also might be something to consider. If you have insurance, look on the back for the # for mental health treatment. There are therapists that specialize in grief and loss isssues.
Hope that helps.
L.

I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are enduring. Life is very difficult. I also lost my father in April of 1995. I was only 21.We had only known of his cancer (colon) for one month.

I would suggest you call some local churches and ask if they know of any greif support groups or councelors. You need someone to talk to. I am sure you mind goes all the time and to manage a family and go through this must be very difficult.

About being far from your mom - don't worry about that. She has your siblings - she is not totally alone. Visit when you can and try to keep your life as normal as possible. I struggled through this too. It was a real struggle but I came to the conclusion that my life needs to go on. My mother was not totally alone (my sister was around). I think a large part of that guilt we feel is just wanting to take the pain away from your mom. YOU can never remove her pain. She too needs to grieve. Try to talk to her on the phone and visit when you can.

Blessings to you. May you find God's peace that pass all understanding.

Now go call some churches.

Dear M.,

I can completely relate to you; I lost my mother to breast cancer when I was 19 and I was so torn up I went and saw a psychologist to help me get through the grief. Sometimes you have to find the right professional to talk to and than everything pours out of you and you seem to heal a lot better and faster. When I got married last year, I was an emotional wreck not having my mother their but I know she would be happy for me...when I gave birth to my son, I also had a feeling she was happy for me. Sometimes I dream about her and I always wonder if its her way of saying, "Hi, I'm fine, keep living life."

My double edge sword is that my father has been battling terminal lung cancer, same as your dad, but for seven years now. He was just told recently that they can't do anything more for him. It's hard to see someone you love who was so strong starting to shrink away and there is nothing you can do about it except get angry, depressed, and finally except the fact that we are all mortals and I'm happy to have the extra time with him.

You are normal but it sounds like you have some emotions and feelings you need to get out...go see a psychologist, it will really help!

Good Luck!

Gina :)

hi M.,
I can truly relate to you. My dad was an amazing, good person and died of CMML luekemia on September 11, 2007. He was 66. I wake up every morning a can't believe he's gone. Going to grief groups does help, but I have a very good suggestion that I urge you to act on. Please go to www.emofree.com. There is a technique called the Emotional Freedom technique that is truly miraculous. It involves tapping on various areas on yuour body, head, under eyes, etc. Thease are spedific meridian points where enery flows. While you tap, you say various phrases; stating your problem. I am working with a social worker who is cerfied in this but it is very easy to do on your own. PLEASE check out this website. It's the greatest healing technique I have found through all my searching.

A few months ago, we went to a family Bar mitvah. Sitting at the table, looking at all the happy people at this annoyingly happy event, I could not stop crying. I excused myself and went to the restroom for about 15 minutes and did the tapping; saying, "even though I miss my dad so much, I can't stand it, I deeply and completely love and accept myself." After about 15 minutes doing EFT, I felt much better, and was even able to enjoy the party a little bit. Grief is a normal process, but EFT takes the edge off so you don't feel so desparate.

On the EFT website, there is an article about a man who is an EFT practitioner who was having a horrible time with his dad's death. as he did the tapping, he felt a huge sense of relief- and even joy when he thought about the memories of his dad.

I will admit, I need to be consistent with my tapping, but every time I tap on whatever issue, I feel better. Please, please let me know what you think if you try with. If you need more information, please let me know. We are definitely in the same boat. I wish you well.

L. M.

M.,

I lost my mom to lung cancer 4 years ago and I still miss her terribly! Please know that your first priority is to take care of your children and husband, and as wonderful as it is for your siblings to be able to help your mom so much- it is just not practical for you to do them same things as them.

How about inviting your mom to come stay with you for a couple of weeks when the weather gets nicer? Then your siblings will get a break, and you will get time with your mom, and your kids with their grandma.

You don't really say if your mom requires all the help she's being given- or if that's just what your family is doing. If your mom is healthy and able- the best thing they may be able to do for her is help her develop a new life without your dad. Does she have friends or any social clubs she belongs to? We moved my mother- in-law to Michigan 8 yrs ago from Ohio, because my husband's siblings were useless as far as making sure she was okay. She has her own apartment, and we help with her bills and the Drs., but we also made sure she got involved with other seniors and groups.

Hope this helps!

T.

M. - i am so sorry for your loss. Although I have never lost my own parent my in-laws passed away within 2 years of each other. We were the only ones here to really take care of them.
I highly recommend that you contact Gilda's Club. If I understand correctly, I have fundraised for them, they have all sorts of support counseling that will help you work through your loss. They have licensed professionals so it is not a sham but please don't feel like you are the only one out there trying to figure this out. There are others and you may want to seek them out. I am not certain where you are located but there is a Gilda's in downtown Royal Oak. You can start there and they can guide you. They have support for kids or just an area the kids can play in while you are in a counseling group.

As for not being in Chicago, you need to do the best you can do by keeping close communications with your mom. I believe that its not just being there to help her shop, etc. but letting her continue to lean on you emotionally. I also believe that each child plays a different role with their parents.

I wish you the very best and hope that you begin your healing process in a way that will make you feel more comfortable.

S.