Dealing with the Loss of a Parent

My mom is in hospice right now on her death bed. This poem spoke to me:

I thought of you with love today
But that is nothing new
I thought about you yesterday
And the days before that too
I think of you in silence
I often speak your name
Now all I have are memories
And your picture in a frame
Each morning when I awake
I know that you are gone
And no one knows the heartache
As I try to carry on
My heart aches with sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know
My thoughts are always with you
Your place no one can fill
In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
There will always be heartache
And often silent tears
If tears could make a staircase
And memories a lane
I'd walk the path to heaven
And bring you home again
I hold you close within my heart
And there you will remain
And walk with me throughout my life
Until we meet again
(Author unknown)

I just lost my momma to cancer 4 months ago. You may have already read this, but I did find it helpful these last few weeks.
I think the thing that has helped me most is item #5.
R.

Helping Dispel 5 Common Myths About Grief
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Our society continues to perpetuate a number of myths about grief and mourning. These myths may seem harmless, but I have found that they can quickly become hurdles to healing.
This article describes five of the most common myths about grief. I hope that this information will help you overcome these myths and better understand how to help yourself or others heal.

Myth #1: Grief and mourning are the same experience.
Most people tend to use the words grief and mourning interchangeably. However, there is an important distinction between them. We have learned that people move toward healing not by just grieving, but through mourning.
Simply stated, grief is the internal thoughts and feelings we experience when someone we love dies. Mourning, on the other hand, is taking the internal experience of grief and expressing it outside ourselves.
In reality, many people in our culture grieve, but they do not mourn. Instead of being encouraged to express their grief outwardly, they are often greeted with messages such as "carry on," "keep your chin up," and "keep busy." So, they end up grieving within themselves in isolation, instead of mourning outside of themselves in the presence of loving companions.

Myth #2: There is a predictable and orderly progression to the experience of grief.
Stage-like thinking about both dying and grief has been appealing to many people. Somehow the "stages of grief" have helped people make sense out of an experience that isn't as orderly and predictable as we would like it to be. If only it were so simple!
The concept of "stages" was popularized in 1969 with the publication of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' landmark text On Death and Dying. Kubler-Ross never intended for people to literally interpret her five "stages of dying." However, many people have done just that, not only with the process of dying, but with the processes of bereavement, grief, and mourning as well.
One such consequence is when people around the grieving person believe that he or she should be in "stage 2" or "stage 4" by now. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Each person's grief is uniquely his or her own. It is neither predictable nor orderly. Nor can its different dimensions be so easily categorized. We only get ourselves in trouble when we try to prescribe what the grief and mourning experiences of others should be-or when we try to fit our own grief into neat little boxes.

Myth #3: It is best to move away from grief and mourning instead of toward it.
Many grievers do not give themselves permission or receive permission from others to mourn. We live in a society that often encourages people to prematurely move away from their grief instead of toward it. Many people view grief as something to be overcome rather than experienced. The result is that many of us either grieve in isolation or attempt to run away from our grief.
People who continue to express their grief outwardly-to mourn-are often viewed as "weak," "crazy" or "self-pitying." The common message is "shape up and get on with your life." Refusing to allow tears, suffering in silence, and "being strong," are thought to be admirable behaviors. Many people in grief have internalized society's message that mourning should be done quietly, quickly, and efficiently.
Such messages encourage the repression of the griever's thoughts and feelings. The problem is that attempting to mask or move away from grief results in internal anxiety and confusion. With little, if any, social recognition of the normal pain of grief, people begin to think their thoughts and feelings are abnormal. "I think I'm going crazy," they often tell me.
They're not crazy, just grieving. And in order to heal they must move toward their grief through continued mourning, not away from it through repression and denial.

Myth #4: Tears expressing grief are only a sign of weakness.
Unfortunately, many people associate tears of grief with personal inadequacy and weakness. Crying on the part of the mourner often generates feelings of helplessness in friends, family, and caregivers.
Out of a wish to protect mourners from pain, friends and family may try to stop the tears. Comments such as, "Tears won't bring him back" and "He wouldn't want you to cry" discourage the expression of tears.
Yet crying is nature's way of releasing internal tension in the body and allows the mourner to communicate a need to be comforted. Crying makes people feel better, emotionally and physically.
Tears are not a sign of weakness. In fact, crying is an indication of the griever's willingness to do the "work of mourning."

Myth #5: The goal is to "get over" your grief.
We have all heard people ask, "Are you over it yet?" To think that we as human beings "get over" grief is ridiculous! We never "get over" our grief but instead become reconciled to it.
We do not resolve or recover from our grief. These terms suggest a total return to "normalcy" and yet in my personal, as well as professional, experience, we are all forever changed by the experience of grief. For the mourner to assume that life will be exactly as it was prior to the death is unrealistic and potentially damaging. Those people who think the goal is to "resolve" grief become destructive to the healing process.
Mourners do, however, learn to reconcile their grief. We learn to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the person who has died. With reconciliation a renewed sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death, and the capacity to become re-involved with the activities of living. We also come to acknowledge that pain and grief are difficult-yet necessary-parts of life and living.
As the experience of reconciliation unfolds, we recognize that life will be different without the presence of the person who died. At first we realize this with our head, and later come to realize it with our heart. We also realize that reconciliation is a process, not an event. The sense of loss does not completely disappear yet softens and the intense pangs of grief become less frequent. Hope for a continued life emerges as we are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person who died will never be forgotten, yet knowing that one's own life can and will move forward.

I am sorry for your loss of your mother. I lost my Dad Feb 17 of this year, after providing 4 weeks of hospice care, much less than the 6 months we'd hoped for. Today I went to a supermarket we frequented and a checker who knew what had been going on asked, "So how is Dad?" My sister and I were together and we both must have looked as if the wind was knocked out of us as she said she could tell by the looks on our faces. It was the first time anyone who didn't know had asked either of us and it hit hard.

He passed 4 weeks ago this Friday, but Fridays haven't been devastating as I'd thought they'd be so we'll see. My sister is dreading our first holiday without him, Easter, but I am looking forward to it, (without Christ's resurrection I would have no hope of seeing Dad again) albeit changing the game plan so as not to add to our mother's grief, I want to do an Easter breakfast/brunch, rather than a dinner. I know I will be thinking of him demanding another plate of food and wishing he was here so I could load it up.

I don't have any guilt, we did what Dad wanted, gave him his wish to die at home with dignity, and not in a hospital. We said our goodbyes, thanked him for all he did for us and told him we loved him. My Dad had dementia and I went through many years of my father hating me, he thought I was the "warden" because I wouldn't let him eat all the foods he loved because they were bad for his kidney failure, would even tell people as he pointed to me, "Watch out for the warden..." He'd cuss me out, say horrible, mean things, but I knew that wasn't him and though it hurt I didn't hold it against him. And God blessed me with a wonderful gift, the last few weeks Dad didn't know who I was, and he thanked me when I did something for him. (My sister resented this at first, she'd say, "I changed his diaper and he didn't thank me." Or "I gave him his medicine and he didn't say anything." I told her that Dad didn't know who I was and she understood, and said, "Don't tell him then!" I agreed, I would rather have Dad not know me and be nice than to know me and be mean, agitated and upset. He did know who I was once or twice towards the end, and I could see his displeasure, but it didn't matter, he was my Dad and I have memories of the Dad who was good and kind to me.

I fed him and helped him to drink until he couldn't anymore his last week, I changed his diapers, turned him every 2 hours so he wouldn't get bed sores, dealt with social workers, administered his meds and had to get nurses to come out and assess him when his meds for pain and agitation needed to be increased and adjusted, and had to make the call to have a nurse come to our home to pronounce him dead. Providing hospice was hard, physically and emotionally, but spiritually it helped me to accept his death, I didn't want him to suffer anymore, I am happy, no, I'm joyful, and thankful that he's no longer suffering, and I can accept that death is a part of life.

I have a strong belief in God and that my Dad is with Him in Heaven, and I know this is what has gotten me through the past couple of months. I pray for comfort and God gives it to me. I am sad that my children and grandchildren lost him and won't have him in their lives any longer, but I know I will see him again and they share this hope as well and it has helped them. I cried almost the entire week before his death and the week after and still have occasional meltdowns, but KNOW that my Dad would not want anyone to cry and go on and on in our grief, he wasn't that type of person, and that helps me to hold it together. I have a BFF who lost her husband 3 years ago, she has been there for me (long-distance) the entire time and has told me the first year was the worst, meeting each holiday or special time without him, the 2nd year a tad better as she'd done it before, the 3rd a smidgen better as she's getting the hang of it...so I'm not expecting my grief to simply vanish, but know it will change. For some it truly gets better and easier after the first year, for others it doesn't, so the people who told you that may simply have been going from their own experience or observations, I don't believe they were lying. I can see within my own family the different and various ways people are dealing with their grief, some better, some worse. Grief is not the same to all, even within the same family.

And though he was 86 and undoubtedly older than your mother, he was my Dad and I miss him and I have a right to, just as you do to miss your mother. Someone tried to comfort my son in telling him his grandfather had a long life and he told him, "I don't care if he had been 150, he was my grandfather!" And that's true...it hurts to lose a loved one no matter how long we had them.

On the day of Dad's memorial I was greeted at the church with my new 5 day old great-grandson. It was a complete surprise, and someone took a picture of me holding him. I can't explain what I was feeling, maybe intense pain and loss and joy, but I do recall I had the sense that God was showing me that life goes on. Not the same as before but it continues, and that also gives me comfort and the desire to not stay stuck in my grief.

The hospice social worker gave us a book on dealing with grief, and it suggests holding a birthday party for your loved one. We don't want to do that this year, but may consider it in the future. And I'm considering a grief-support group where I can talk with others who've experienced a loss.

Grief is different for each and every one of us, there is no one way or right or wrong way to do it, and what works for one person may not for another. But in honor of our loved one I believe we should do whatever helps us to remember the person in love and thankfulness that we had them in our lives the time that we did, and to use what they taught us in loving and caring for others.

No real advice but a sincere prayer that your pain and grief subside.

My mom died of cancer June 3, 2011. Understanding is great and has its place but the piece and peace you are missing is forgiveness.

Forgive her for ________________ (you fill in the blank) and then forgive you for _______________________ (you fill in the blank).

Another exercise you will want to work on is the choices you make around how and what you choose to make regarding your mother's sickness and death. Yes you do get to choose how you are going to think of her and the situation. No your current state or past state doesn't have to dictate what will happen to you. You can choose to continue to feel bad and sad and angry and down with a clear understanding of what happened and you can also choose a different future for yourself.

So yes my mother is gone, she is never coming back but I get to choose how I process the facts fo her life, illness, and death. I have decided and purposed in my heart to deal with it in a way that brings honor to her memory, doesn't disregard whatever I'm feeling about it but also doesn't allow me to not enjoy life and living post her life.

It also helps having a faith life.

I have been going to Griefshare since my dad past away Oct 2010. We'd just moved back home to be closer to family, just finished a week long vacation with him. when I get a call at 11:54 in the night from my Mom. My Dad had past away sometime during the day in his sleep from a heart attack...He was just gone. I didn't get to say goodbye, I didnt' get to hug him one last time.

Now please this is just my story, I cannot imagine dealing with the loss the way you have, I think it is hard on everyone no matter their story. Some have a harder time then others. Even sibling react different/heal different. And I have learned like you that it indeed does NOT get easier. I can't imagine the pain of hearing 6/9 months and then in less then 1 month she is gone.

Anyhow griefshare.org being in a group like this has helped. it has not made it better. But has helped. Help me realize that my grieving is my own, and the best thing you can do is grieve.

Hugs

I think you need to work on your spirituality. Not religion, but spirituality.

My father and my grandmother are both passed. I was very close to both of them and the grief after their deaths was almost unbearable for the longest time. Then I started looking within myself and really worked on developing a relationship with my higher power. Through that relationship, I was able to develop a spiritual relationship with both my dad and my grandmother.

Oh, I still miss them terribly, but I feel them inside me. I talk to them when I'm happy, need help, or are hurting. I give myself over and I feel their love and I picture them and I can see them and they guide me.

You just have to give it over to your higher power and approach it from a perspective of yes, I can't see, hear or touch them BUT I can feel them and then open yourself up and allow yourself to feel your mother's spirit within you. Once you are able to do that, you will feel her constant love and compansionship and the pain will dull and you will be able to move forward.

You need to let go of the guilt, whether false guilt or real guilt, as there is nothing you can do about it now. I'm sure your mother loved you and you her so think about these times and remember how much you both meant to each other. My dad died but I was much older than you when he died. I had time to spend with him knowing he was dying and time to say 'I love you' unlike you. My dad was not the type to say what he felt so it was good he could say it even though I knew it. I think the first year was very hard and I am a Christian and believe I will see him again some day, but still it's sad for those left here to be reminded by the little things, little memories, songs, etc. I think for me it was best to talk about him and events from the past and laugh and cry with family. I think not talking about it makes it very hard to deal with. Don't try to hide feelings but forgive her or yourself and just let the grief be there. I can tell you it's been 22 years since my dad died and his memory and smell and looks and sound all are part of me still today. I wish my grandchildren could share who he is but I can only share about him. I don't know if you have someone to talk about your mom with but if not do that.

My condolences on the loss of your mom.

My mother died when I was 6. It's been over 20 years now, but I still miss her and I still need her no matter what.
I think errors that people make regarding grief is the assumption or advice that it will not hurt as much as time goes on. Also, people assume that they will stop missing that person or they assume that they ~should~ stop. My comfort has been in allowing myself to feel whatever I feel at the time. Longing, anger, sadness, happiness.... For me it has been good to just be okay with grieving and being okay with missing and needing my mom. I used to think that as I got older I should not still feel sad/as sad. I had no one to talk to and figured out how to deal with it on my own. Now, I embrace every feeling that comes with having had her and having lost her. Last year I started write poems about her and I write things to her. It helps me.
Best wishes to you. Feel free to chat me up anytime. {{Hugs}}

Kenna, my heart goes out to you. I can't really relate to what you're feeling because I am fortunate to still have my Mom. I did lose my dad nearly 40 years ago, but we were not that close, so I think my grieving process with him was much easier. My mom is now 94 and I am having to think about how it will be for me when she is gone. I'm sure it's not going to be any easier just because she has "reached her time" than it would have been if she had passed at a much younger age. The only thing I can think of to tell you that may be of help is something I told my 4 year old grandson a few weeks ago. He was sobbing uncontrollably and when asked what was wrong, he told me one of his imaginary playmates had died. I told him I was so sorry and that sometimes what helps in such cases is for a person to just be with someone who loves them and let that person love and comfort them. I don't know who you might have in your life that could be such a person for you, but encourage you to find at least one who is willing to listen and not judge you for your feelings, let you talk about your mom, cry for her, or just sit in silence with you while you grieve... and as one other respondent said, mourn. I did like the description of that distinction that she gave.
My prayers are with you as you work through this time.

I lost my dear daddy last year. One of my fears is that he will be forgotten, like he never even existed. To prevent this we memorialise him, talk about him, think about him, look at pictures of him. It is still painful though.

I lost my mom a little over a year ago and its still hard for everyone. She lost her battle with cancer as well. I just hope you know after reading all these wonderful posts that you are NOT alone...even though the close people in your life may not be able to relate, there are thousands out here who completely understand. I wish you the best and hope you are able to enjoy the rest of your life, thats what your mom would have wanted for you I am sure.

My dad died a few years ago. I was not as close to him as you obviously were to your mother, and he was older and more near his "time" than your mother was.

Some grief is forever. It doesn't necessarily get any better, you just learn not to think of it very often. It's almost half a century later and I can feel my brother's death almost as painfully as when it first happened -- if I let myself think about it. Even typing this my eyes are watering up.

You are not debilitated, that is the most important thing. You lost your mom way earlier than you should have, and that is a huge loss. There are so many special occasions she is going to miss, and each time you will feel her loss as much as you did the first time you lost her.

If anything, the one thing you had was a mother who you were so close to that you feel her loss so deeply. Not everyone has such a deep relationship with their mother. You were lucky in that way. But this is the downside to being so close.

It's not true that time heals all wounds: certain emotional scars are forever, time just helps us learn how to cope with our losses, not to forget or feel the pain any less.

First and foremost, my deepest condolences for the loss of your Mother. I lost my mother at 17. It sucks no matter how you look at it.

I did find an interesting book called "Motherless Daughters" and one part made a huge difference for me and I think may help you right now. It said to watch for the anniversaries- her birthday, date she died, etc. You had a lot of bad days, all very close together, all during this exact time- late March. Your subconscious is re-living it all right now. I suspect you were probably coping better last month than you are now. Once you understand it and expect that this time of year will be rough, it gets easier to deal with.

Honor her by living the best life you possibly can.

You had 25 years with your mom to learn how to do things, to have her guide you through your teen years, to see you get married and be there for your child (if you have had one). I didn't. The last time I saw my mom she was on a gurney being wheeled out the house at 6pm (alarm clock in hand and rang) while I sat on the upstair steps. I lost my mom when I was 9 and I am now 64. She did make sure that I was a survivor by what she taught me. I think the thing I can recall most is when I was about 5 she said she would never see me grow up and asked if I had a daughter would I name her after her. I said I would but my daughter's name is not her's but that's another story.

There are days that I recall things that we did together but not many. I have had some time to have the memories fade. But do know that there is a hole in my heart that can not be filled. For example, my daughter's due date was her death date but she (daughter) decided to come a few days later. March is also a hard month for me some years. I try not to dwell on the what could have been and go on with my life knowing that my mom would not have wanted me to be stuck in the past or present.

Know that you were able to get to her bedside so that she could say to you personally that she loved you more than you will ever know and know that is enough. Look toward the future and know that she is looking down on you and guiding your through some of the worst things you are going through. When you feel a breeze from nowhere it is your mom letting you know that she is there. When you think a thought that seems strange or wierd she is there. When you are happy and enjoying life she is there.

It took me a long while to adjust to being alone without mom around. I, at times, felt like the cork in the ocean bobbing up and down with nowhere to go. It took time to adjust to other people trying to help but many times they didn't. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other knowing that each day is a new day and a new beginning. One day the pain stopped hurting and I went on with my lilfe.

Do keep yourself busy. Do allow yourself to cry in the shower. Do go out and walk in the fresh air. Do something that mom liked or the Relay for Life in her honor as a way to give back. The more you do speak about what you experienced the better it will be for you to let go of the pain and hurt of being left behind.

Kermit says, "It ain't easy being green." Just know that it will be better in time. Grieving is a personal thing and no one can tell you when you will feel better but you will.

Here's a big cyber hug to you.

The other S.

PS I now do thing with my daughter that I think my mom would have done with me. We are great pals and have a very good relationship. She says I am her bestfriend an honor I don't take lightly. We talk on the phone at least once a day sometimes more.

EDIT: My dad passed about five years later. I think in part from grief and part from his health issues. So both parents are now gone.

After a really close friend of mine died, another friend told me this saying: "embrace your grief, but don't wallow in it." It sounds like you're doing exactly that. I found that my grief for my friend would just hit me now and again, without warning and the feelings would be as fresh as the day he died. I don't think you can do anything about it. It's a process and you have to go through it. It does get easier with time. My friend has been gone now for nearly 13 years and I'm able to remember him with more smiles than tears now. Keep going forward and find someone who you cam share memories with or talk to when you're down. I find that has always helped. Sorry for your loss.

My mother had a very hard time with my grandmother's death. In fact, it nearly tore apart their 25 year marriage. She just couldn't work through it. Cognitively she knew that there were things to look forward to (my wedding, my sister's graduation, etc) but emotionally she just couldn't let go of the anger and sadness.

The only thing that I can tell you is that it did get better. It took time- well over a year- for her to feel like there wasn't a weight on her chest every day, all day. We had a big party celebrating my grandmother's life to mark the 1 year anniversary, but it was really another year or so before her energy and happiness came back.

Talking helped, crying helped, medication helped... mostly, though, it was just time.

My FIL died a year ago on 3/28/12 and I am really uncertain as to how my husband will deal with it. He was killed in a car crash, so no real "closure". We'll see. My husband gets weepy at times because there are so many things that his father isn't here to see... the birth of our second child, our older son's first soccer game, his promotion, etc.

Best wishes. Let yourself grieve and don't put any time parameters on your sadness.

Kenna, I'm so sorry for you loss. I was really moved by the eloquent way in which you described your feelings. You are right: God is there, there is a purpose and a reason, and most of all, there is HOPE for a wonderful future. Now, it is time to let God work in your life. As you alluded to, it sounds as if something more is going on here. Of course, you miss your mom. Oh, I know the feeling! My mom passed away on April 12, 2009 and I miss her every day! But what you are describing sounds more like post-traumatic stress syndrome (replaying the event all the time keeping you in the same emotional place you were when she passed). Time to get some help again. There is no quick answer or cure. Counseling works but it takes time and effort. I would suggest you head back to a counselor. Try to find a counselor who uses EMDR ( a technique which unlocks the trauma memory and allows it to pass). Even if you can't find one who uses this technique, get back to counseling. Possibly a short course of anti depressants and or anxiety drugs as well. Bless you and know that you aren't alone, that God is with you, and that there is also a reason for your suffering. When it passes, maybe you will be able to help someone else work past their grief. . . and what a wonderful blessing that will be!

I am sorry for your loss. I wish I had some advice for you but don't really. We lost my MIL almost 2 years ago, and she was another Mom to me. I know my husband still really struggles and still has a lot of bad dreams etc. I have settled in an angry at her state for awhile because I am mad that my son only got 2 years with her and she never met my daughter. I think that what people may not understand before they have a loss like this is it does not get better really, it just gets different. I am sorry you are going through this and good for you for still continuing on with your life the best you can.

It doesn't matter if it's a parent, sibling or other loved one. You will always miss them.
My dad died Memorial Day Weekend in 2005. He was not a good or loving parent. He was a drunk and mean. Do I miss him? HHHmmmm not really, I miss the man I wish he could have been. The father who played with me and loved me and told me I could do anything. I feel bad that I was never able to establish that kind of relationship with him. But I also realize that this was his issue not mine.
My Mom passed just 3 months ago. I miss her so many times, I go somewhere or see someone and want to come home and tell her about it and she's not here. But deep in my heart I know she is in a better place. Her quality of life was not good the past couple of years. She was weak and unhappy and often said I wish I could just die. So I let go.
My brother died 17 yrs ago in a car accident. He had been diagnosed as schizophrenic 3 months earlier, but had been mentally ill for years. He too is in a better place, but I do miss him. He never married or had children but loved my children and would have loved my grandchildren lots.
My sister, my brother's twin, was stillborn 2 yrs before I was born. It's funny how you can miss someone you never met. But I do. I never had a living sister, so I am sometimes envious of my friends who do.
My SO died 25 yrs ago. We have a beautiful daughter and now a grandson. I feel bad sometimes because he missed so much. He died before she was born. He would have been thrilled with her and our grandson.

It does get easier over time. I think the birthdays are the hardest, I just become quiet and thoughtful. I have learned though I can still talk to those who have passed. I think about them and tell them things but they already know. I firmly believe they are watching and silently blessing me with their love.

I'm 36 and my father just passed away a month ago from also a terminal illness, ALS, aka Lou Gherig's disease. I also remember the dates of when they told us he would pass away in Feb 2009 and he fought the entire time until his body could not take it. He passed away Feb 2012, three years later. I can still remember his last messages to me, spelling out with his eyes that telling us he loved us, when he'd never told us verbally before. I remember seeing him go from a cane, to a walker, to the power wheelchair to the bed, then bedridden. The disease made him lose all his abilities, to walk, move his arms, legs, to swallow, to eat and even breath because the disease is debilitating. He had a peg tube, a catheter, a trach (breathing machine) but still struggled to live, to spell with his eyes on a chart to communicate with us to tell us he loved us.

It was horrible to watch and experience, but I learned a lot. I learned to love, unconditionally. I learned that I'll wont wait till the end to tell my husband and kids I love them. I learned that Love and Faith heals the pain, makes you stronger and brings everyone together. I do my best to remember the good, funny times with my father before he was sick. This is what keeps me going. I look at pictures and sometimes cry and miss him being here, but the memories will never leave and of course we'll never stop loving and missing our parents.

Well, it got better after a year for me when my dad died. I had my share of grief and guilt from it, and watched him die a very painful and tragic death from cancer. So it's not a lie for a lot of people that it gets easier after the first year. It's not that the death is any less meaningless or that you don't feel sadness or miss those moments, but that you should have coping strategies ,you should be focusing on other aspects of life and not the same heavy amount of grief as in the beginning. I wish my dad was able to meet my husband and be a grandfather to my children, but we keep his memory alive in healthy ways, not in reliving the heartache over and over again and wishing for lost moments to occur.

If you are having struggles, which it sounds like you legitimately are even though you can still have a good professional and family life, than you are not coping in a healthy manner and you need grief counseling and likely depression meds. You can only keep this up for so long before you breakdown. In fact, my mother went mentally insane when my father died. I almost had to have her committed to a mental hospital... and I was only 21 years old, taking care of an insane widow and burying my father. Her grief counselor told her the same thing, that she was coping in a very harmful way and my mom was prescribed Prozac I believe as well as counseling. It helped her greatly and she was able to return to work and live a fairly normal life.

Kenna211, i am so sorry for your loss. I cannot fathom the loss of a parent for both of mine are still living. I think you are doing everything you possibly can to help deal with your loss, but honestly, i dont think any amount of counseling can help you deal with that emptiness you constantly feel inside. This was your momma and no one can ever replace her. I agree with what people say that even time will not help you heal, i think for as long as you are alive on this Earth, you will constantly be reminded of your mother in every day life. Whether it be a song, picture, something someone said, a certain smell.. the list can go on and on. It sounds to me like you are doing the best you can, and honestly, that is all you can do. Just remember if you are a religious person and believe in the after life, someday you will get to see your momma again... best of luck. Hugs...

Dear M.-

The loss of a parent is something you never forget and it will always hurt to some extent when you think about it (I lost my Dad almost 21 years ago). You were so young to lose your Mom at 25 years old, but hang onto your faith as GOD obviously needed her more and had to take her home to be whole once more and not in pain.

Time does lessen the pain, but even today I sometimes sit and see a picture of my Dad and get sad or maybe more melancholy now and it has been many years since he has been gone. What is hard is knowing he was my Mom's one and only and she still misses him each and every day and always will. She is now 86 with early stages of Alzheimer.

My advice to you is to hang onto all your cherished memories of her and dwell on those good memories of shopping, doing nails, talking. You will always love her and you know your Mom would want you to go on with your life, be happy and not cry because she is gone, but be happy and glad for the time you had with her!

My prayer for you to lessen the extreme pain and loss you feel and find comfort somehow.

Roxanne