Got a Problem

You simply tell you sweet 4 yr old sister to tell them just as she told you. Nothing more or less. Nothing to be scared of. She is a good girl. That you will be there and no one is going to get her in trouble. You are glad she told you. Just keep telling her that one. That is all you can do. Let her take one of favorite toys with her and then really spoil her a bit afterward. You know make her feel super special, not that she is not already.

C.

I have not read all the responses that you have received on this topic, but I have something to add that is definitely in the minority. Please trend carefully. The first priority is your daughter and her safety, but this is a person you are accusing. This type of charge will haunt him forever...even if he is found not guilty. I would suggest that you take a hard look at his lifestyle, not just his personality. Your little girl may have seen the things she was describing on an adult television show or even walked in on her dad and his new girlfriend in bed together. She may have seen this type of behavior and seen how happy daddy and his girlfriend were and wanted to say that she was part of it. My 2yr old son saw my hubby and I kissing and now he trys to copy it. I told my son that those were "daddy kisses" and now it is a game when he trys and it makes us both laugh. I was very surprised at how serious he was about the kiss though....when he first tried. But it makes sense that since Daddy shows Mommy his love that way, that my son would want to as well.

When I was a child, my father was falsely accused of molesting us kids by someone who I had thought was a really good friend. But in a moment of jealousy she did more damage than I could ever forget. I still have vivid memories of the investigation even 15 years later.

Please do not think that I am trying to tell you not to take this seriously because I think that it is very serious. All I ask is that you open your mind to that fact that this maybe a something that your child saw and misunderstood. I am so glad to hear that you are pursuing it in case that is a legitimate claim.

Best of luck and give those kids all your love

I'm not sure where Fowler, CO is, but there is an organization in Boulder called Blue Sky Bridge. They specialize in providing counseling/healing/help to children who have been sexually assaulted. It is a wonderful organization. Even if you are not able to take your daughter to them, I am sure they could send you some literature and talk to you on the phone to help you. Their website has resources, too: www.blueskybridge.org. I am so proud of you for reaching out for support, and for being strong and loving for your daughter. You are an amazing mom!
Keep moving forward, keep loving, all will be ok.
S.
P.S. You might also want to consider the impact this incident has had on your 12-year old sister. Does she need/want to speak to someone about it? It could be disturbing for her, too.

J., there is some great advice here, and I don't have much to add except maybe some insight into what your little girl feels. I was a victim at a young age too - also from a close family member. I was extremely embarrassed about the subject matter to begin with and complicated things by not wanting the abuser (my older adopted brother) to get into trouble. I truly loved him and still do. He was sick and needed help (and really, will always need help), and maybe that's how you approach the subject with your daughter. She has nothing to be embarrassed about, and if it did happen, then it's also really important that her dad gets the help he needs to deal with his sickness. It could help to use her concern for him. I wish you all the best.

hi J.. i am sorry you are going through this. whether you discover it's true or not, the pain of the moment is still there. i agree with the other posters that you did a great job in taking your daughter straight to a professional; please continue to go. they will get your daughter to open up eventually. i would also suggest a quick, nonthreatnening conversation with your 12 year old sister. find out about the discussion she and your daughter had. start by thanking her for taking care of your daughter by telling, then casually try to get her to talk. children that age love drama, so try to listen without adding any emotion (not easy) because they can feed off of it and attempt to create a bigger, better story. if you discover it is all true, make sure to give your little sister wonderful praise for knowing right from wrong and for reporting it. as far as your daughter is concerned, remind her she is loved and that no one should hurt her. the jury is still out regarding the events, so it would be best not to say negative, mean things about your ex in front of her. continue to remind her of your constant love. avoid words like "special" and "our secret" as these mimmick the words of pedophiles and could scare her and make her clam up. it would be best to if you maintain the facade of being calm. she's looking at your reaction to discover how "bad" this all is. it's ok to freak, but just not in front of her. act like you would about taking her to the doctor or sojmething any time...explain the procedure "these folks are going to ask you questions and the only thing that is important is that you tell the truth." remember that if he did do these things, he could've threatened her by saying that you'd stop loving her, etc. so you have to remain calm in her presence so she'll see nothing is changing between you. best of luck!!

I am going through the after math of your situation. I can tell you it is going to be hard but be there for your kids and let them know you will not let them hurt anymore. It is scary and will be hard but you will get threw it just as I did. I have done many things including a group for secondary survivors of sexual assult. it is a roller coaster ride you will never expect to go on. But you can make it through it. if you need help or resources you can call me I even work for the Mental Health Center for Boulder County. 303/413-6237. I am more than willing to help you get into contact with people who can help you and your children.
L.

J.,
First, God Bless You! for having to deal with this situation, but putting your child first!
She needs to know that she and your family will be OK and she is not at fault. It was OK to tell someone. The (person) can't hurt her, you or your family just because she told, (even though they often say they will).

Secondly, since I was molested as a child I have taught my kids that if anyone EVER wants them to keep a secret from their parents it better be about giving us a Birthday or Christmas gift. We don't tolerate telling secrets about friends, family or anyone. If you can't tell about it then it must not be nice. Not to be confused with not talking about something because it will hurt someone's feelings. We just talk very straight forward about things. Also, no secrets are kept about any body parts, no one is allowed to touch inside their swimsuit area. We taught these things to our kids from the time they were small and we were dressing them. Someone could change their diaper or help them go potty only if we had ok'd it.
You can still teach these things to your daughter and let her know that the person who touched her was wrong, not her. Even adults make mistakes. By getting her counseling, and you, and getting the official people involved you took a scary but neccessary step! Congratulations on doing the right thing for your child!
Also your little sister was very brave in stepping up to tell your grandmother. Be sure to let her know she did the right thing! You, your daughter, and your family will be in my prayers.

Kids that age do not make up events such as this (in fact people of any age generally do not make up events such as this!). Even growing up on a farm will not cause a child to make accusations that are false. Most likely, she is telling the truth and you need to show support for her.
The previous post about children wanting to give the right answer is right on. Kids are smart and they can tell when mom or dad is upset or angry or whatever - and they are going to try and give the answer that makes mom or dad happy. So even though you are not mad at her or anything she did, the way you react to the situation can make her feel that way.
It's fantastic that you took her to professionals immediately! In order to prosecute though, she would have to be a good witness, and I'm not sure that at her age she will be one. But that doesn't mean that prosecution can't take place a couple years down the road. Our state allows prosecution of a felony after 5 years. I think misdemeanors are 2 years. And the rules can change when there's a sexual offense against a juvenile (it could be until a couple years after she turns 18).
As to the restraining order - you're probably going to have to talk to your attorney for a modification on your parenting plan (or get one in place if you don't already have one).
Anyway, the most important thing is to make sure that she gets the help she needs so that she can process this - not only as a 4 year old right now, but when she reaches puberty, starts learning about sex, etc. These things have a way of resurfacing at different points in a kid's life. And those professionals are the best people to help her with this stuff.
If you need assistance to pay for counseling, a lot of states have grant funded programs that will help pay for that expense if it is related to a criminal offense (even if prosecution does not go forward). I think Colorado has one of those programs. Call your district or county attorney's office and they should have someone that could direct you to those resources. Here is a Colorado website for crime victim compensation program: http://dcj.state.co.us/OVP/comp_english.htm

You are doing all the right things. She is scared and does not want to get her dad in trouble. All you can do is to reassure her that you love her no matter what! She will pull through this and so will you. This will not be easy, so stay strong in your love for both of your babies!

that is a total nightmare. i really am so sorry your having to go through that. that is my biggest fear for my little girl to ever have to go through that. your girl needs you more now then she ever has and she is probably going to deny at times that he ever did anything but for some reason she is only protecting him. that is what alot of children do in these situations. you need to comfort her alot and reasure her that she has done NOTHING WRONG. this is not her fault nor is it yours. im sorry ur going through this. ill pray for you and your precious angel

I am so sorry that you are going through that. I wish I could give you some advice but I am thankful to never have had those kinds of issues. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and I hope that everything turns out for the best.

Stay strong and lean on your new man for all the support that he can give you!!!

God Bless

Hi J.

Well I would say if your 4 year old has said this then I would figure it is true, unless she is around sketchy people or gets to watch what she wants on tv how would she know to say this stuff. Kids that small only talk about what they know. You get her away from him and protect her that is your job, stop it now before something worse happens. Take her back and eventually she will talk. I dont have experience per say but we all know the devastating affects this can have on people. I would believe her.

My daughter encouraged me to share our experience: she was 4 when a 15 yr old boy babysitter sexually abused her, she was not able to tell me but she could tell her brother, and I was able to catch myself at not reacting to much. It does scare them. I did not let her go in for questions, I spoke directly to the parents with him there myself, he hesitated so we know.
I found Play Therapy for her immediately, and did Landmark Education for myself. Later she did Landmark Forum for Teens and was empowered by the experience and is a very confident your mother of 18 month old. You may call or write me to talk more. As my step daughter also was SA from her step father. So I have alot of experience in this. It was importnat for me to protect my daughters, and to release all the anger, etc. creatively.
I am a movement specialist who works with Intermodal Arts for self expression.
M.

o-m-g !! the first thing that you need to tellyou daughter is that no matterr what she ever tells you you will always love her . remind her that it is not her fault. and i am sure she is so confused because it might feel good to her and how can that be wrong??? poor baby!! i would believe her. she is very scared to tell you the truth because look at all the reaction that she got. and so lets say that he didn't do anything? how does she know all this stuff. and where did it come from?? she its too young to hear it from school. so i would say that he should understand why you would not let her go over any more and if he want to see her it will have to be under supervison. right?? pray for your answer

You sound like a great mom doing everything right, and she's probably just scared, poor baby. Assure her she did the right thing by telling and reinforce the fact that it's wrong and it's not her fault. I think it's great that the father agreed to the lie detector, but you should definitely consider supervised visits or no visits at all until everything is worked out. This sort of thing is never easy, and having gone through it myself as a small child, I know first hand how hard this is. I too, have a wonderful mother who took immediate action. I wish you luck and let us know how things work out. ~Stephanie

She is going to protect her dad just because she loves him unconditionally. If she said this to a younger child then there may be truth behind it and it is best to investigate it to it's fullest. You are being a WONDERFUL mother by doing this for her and taking all the right steps. Letting her know telling you is a very good thing and that she should always come talk to you if anyone does this will help. She needs to not feel guilt or shame at all about this.
You can never be too careful or ignore even passive comments in this subject. Just keeping her talking to a professional, a lot of love reassurance and never making her feel like she is getting her daddy in trouble. I will hope and pray that it was incorrect and she didn't have to suffer at the hands of someone she should be able to trust. However you are awesome in doing everything you are doing. Find out from the therapist what you are suppose to talk to her about if at all and just be open to letting her talk when she feels the need.
Most kids have odd times and through play come out with the things that are really internally bothering them.
God bless you both!

Just want to offer my support. You are doing the right thing by taking this seriously and believing your daughter. Be strong, you can handle this. Emphasize that it's not her fault, she has nothing to be guilty about. And get therapy for her and yourself, even if just for awhile, so you have that support. She will definitely benefit from it. Sending good thoughts your way.

I would definitely take her seriously, try to keep her away from him. If he threatened her she may not want to say anything cause she might think he will hurt her or you.

Bless your family! In my opinion-at that age and those accusations, he is guilty until proven innocent! You are doing the right thing. Let the professionals and law take care of it and you teach her that she is loved. Blest of luck and love

I'm so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this. you're doing the right thing by trying to envolve the law against your ex. I was a year younger than your daughter is when I was SA by a baby sitter. You're doing a great job by believing your daughter. I would suggest counceling, possibly with a woman counclor, I know I was very reserved around men and since my parents didn't do anything about my SA I know your daughter will thank you one day for helping her through this very difficult time. but try not to push things or she might bottle up again. I also wouldn't allow your ex near either of your children, neither of them are safe with him in my opinion. Good luck and I'm sure that you and your children will get through this very hard time stronger. my thoughts and prayers are with you and your little girl.
M.

I think you need a child advocate to monitor what is going on with all this questioning. It sounds like your daughter is being emotionally battered by the police, etc.and therefore clamming up. I am not sure what is available, but I'm sure there is something. Maybe you could get some advice from the local women's and children's center. Or maybe the psychologist you took her to would have a suggestion on how to handle it. You should , at least, get a lawyer to look out for your daughter's rights. I would get a restraining order against her father so that whatever is going on can't happen again.

I can tell you that I have been through a situation a little bit like this, but it was the older brother. I took my daughter to the doctor and she convinced the doctor nothing was wrong,,,,only to catch them two weeks later.

First off...don't pressure your child in anyway. Second, don't jump to any judgments until there is proof! Children are complex and one never knows the true story without doubts without proof. I would allow the law enforcement to handle this situation and you just focus on ensuring your daughter is taken care of. I would settle in for a long horrible road of ups and downs and wait to pass judgment until the law figures it all out. It would be horrible if your ex didn't do anything and you ruin his life and relationship between the three of you because of a misunderstanding. That being said, I wouldn't be passive either. Contacting the law enforcement is the correct thing to do without a doubt. God help you all!!!

I don't know where in the investigation you are, but I would contact the Childrens Justice Center http://www.attorneygeneral.utah.gov/97.html. They work with children who are abused, and could probably answer your questions.

J., I am so sorry for you and your daughter. You have done all of the right things so far. I was abused by my grandfather for YEARS and never told anyone until I was 26. Believe her first and if it didn't happen then her dad needs to be a big man and let it go. The authorities should have a lot of resources for you to use to help her deal with it. Keep strong and know that it is not your fault or her fault, but her dads fault all the way. What a smart sister you have to tell grandma instead of you. She deserves many kudos for that. God Bless. S.

Do not drop it! She is probably changing her story because she does not want to get her father in trouble. I would reassure her that she has done nothing wrong and that she did the right thing by telling someone about it. Keep it up with the professional help.

I can understand your pain and confusion during this time. I have a 5-year old and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have a clue about things like that unless something was being done to him. You are smart to get professionals involved right from the start. I would try to explain to your daughter that she has to tell the truth, no matter what she thinks will happen, that you know she's scared of what might happen to her Daddy, but if he is hurting her, then he really needs help and she'll help him and herself by telling the truth.

I can't even imagine what you're going through right now, but I'll keep you and your daughter in my prayers.

Even though your daughter is 4 years old I don't think she would lie about it. She probably got scared because her father probably told her not to tell anyone and put a scare into her. I would keep pursuing the counseling and get her help. You need to know the truth too. If it were my child I would do everything I could to make sure it didn't happen again and make sure they got the help they needed. Good Luck!

First off, you are to be commended for "freaking out". Too many parents, think "yeah right" or "you must be confused as a 4 year old". My advice is to get to the bottom of it and protect your children at all cost. Having worked with children who have been abused, it is not something that they easily forget. I would seek professional help for her. Somewhere safe she can talk about it and not feel embarassed. Most importantly help her know that it is NOT okay and that she is too also protect her body. That it is NOT her fault and people who love her don't do that. I am so sorry. Unfortunately, this can really damage your trust with your ex-husband but your children are more important. Good luck.

Your daughter is just so scared, she had to re-live a very bad experience by telling a total stranger all the details, then she was expectd to do it all again in the same day! She probably told you that it never happened just to avoid all the people and ambarassment, she may feel like it is all her fault and that she is in trouble. It sounds to me like she has been through a terrible experience, do not let her father near her unitl you can get medical and legal evidence on your side. Don't let your son see his father either. Good luck and may God bless you and your children.

May I very delicately suggest that, since it is quite probable that your daughter is being molested, that it is possible that it could be the new boyfriend? Statistically speaking, the kinds of guys who seek secret sexual access to little kids frequently get involved with women who have little kids. I do believe that a four year old doesn't know enough to make up such a story, so it's probably true, but it is technically possible that she's accusing the wrong man because she doesn't want to get mommy upset if it's the new boyfriend.

I'm sorry that this is happening to your family. Please tread carefully.

First of all, you would be surprised at what a 4 year old knows - especially living on a farm. I think you were very smart in taking her to a professional for questioning. There have been several studies that show kids want to give adults the correct answer and will try to guess what that "correct" answer is. Let the doctors know what she said, she may have just started this for attention. Definitely don't let it go, let the doctors examine her to find out if something really happened or not - physical damage would be hard to hide. Good Luck to both of you.
Tam

J.,
Hear is a thought. Your 12 year sister precisely told your daughter what to say.
You have never said how your ex and you get along, or what kind of father he is.
You need to step back and look at this seriously.
Believe me, if the psychologist figures she is telling the truth?
Then wait and see what the police have to say about this.
They are very good at this type of case anymore.
If your ex gets angry over the whole thing, which I am sure he is, then tell him he is wrong.
You want your children aware of this type of behavior, so you can tell them what to do if someone tries to touch them in that manner.
JUST SAY NO, then tell and adult.
Good luck honey.
Don't be freaked out, your daughter will and does need you through this kind of process.
Big kudos to you for having the presence of mind to take her to a professional in the first place.

Ok, this is not going to sound popular, but here we go. You need to believe your child. she recanted becouse she is scared period. She needs counsaling, and so do you. Dont let them push you out of it just becouse she is young. I am a serviver of melestation, and i never got the help i needed as a child and now i am getting it as an adult, just let her know she is not at falt, is not bad and you love her no matter what.

I will keep you in my prayers. Go with your gut...even if you HATE to believe it. Have you talked to your 2 year old about good touch andbad touch? I cannot imagine a 4 year old concocting anything like that...they are too innocent.
I am so so sorry.