Keeping Secrets from Preschool

Sometimes if you just ask a child what he/she did today at school, the child will not tell you what he/she did. If you ask specific questions such as what he/she made today or if he/she played with a specific toy, you may get more out of him than just him telling you that it is a secret.

I would tell my child that this isn't keeping "secrets" it's keeping "surprises". Maybe ask the pre-school if they can use this term too in order to differentiate beteween the positive surprises and more negative "secrets". Explain to the director your concerns in a rational fashion and I'm sure they will agree that altering the term used is a good idea. They should also be stressing that children should never keep "secrets" from their parents but surprises are okay because they are going to tell their parents when the surprise is ready. That's different.

Good luck and good for you in seeing the longer term impact of this pattern.

talk to the teacher, and let her know you are not comfortable with it. and Drop in for "surprise" visits

Ask the teacher. Also tell her you know there are good secrets and bad secrets and what your concerns are. Tricky (bad) people ask kids to keep secrets and I'd be a bit cautious about getting them in a habit like this. With my son, it's almost impossible for him to keep a secret - he likes to tell me everything. When I use to pick him up at preschool, sometimes it would take 15 or so min for him to finish up, and I'd sit with him and his friends and they'd tell me everything about school, about what their Mom's and Dad's say to each other (if they were arguing, or their Mom was pregnant, etc) - really more than anyone would want to know. Preschoolers are just not very good at keeping secrets and it takes a few years for them to figure out what gossip is.

Suprises are ok but secrets are NEVER ok to keep from a parent. I am suprised that the school is saying secret-- they should know better!!! I would definitely ask his teacher and approach her like-- I was talking to ________ and he said he has been working on a project, but he can't tell me what it is because it is a secret. In our house, we are teaching our kids that they can tell us anything and its not good to keep secrets. Could you tell me what is going on?

Hope this helps. Don't worry about what they think- get the clarification and go from there.

Molly

I can see your side of this....because keeping secrets from parents is a very dangerous habit to let kids have. But I also see the sweetness in making something special for you and how excited he'll be to show it to you. You're probably right to ask the teacher to try naming it a surprise instead of a secret. There IS a big difference in the two. Hopefully she will kindly take your suggestion.

Maybe he just doesn't want to tell you? When my daughter was in preschool, I would ask her to to tell me what she did in school and sometimes she would say, "I don't want to tell you." The preschool had an observation room with two way mirrors so I would watch her. Nothing bad ever happened, she just didn't want to talk about it for some reason.

I would talk to the teacher and explain why maybe 'surprise' would be better than 'secret'. Wouldn't hurt to try. Maybe you should make sure first that they are calling it a secret and it's not your son's interpretation? "don't tell so it's a surprise" is a little different than "keep it secret; don't tell your parents".

I think maybe the teacher should tell the kids that it's okay for them to tell mom and dad that they spent the day working on a special surprise for mom and/or dad but and that the secret is actually want that special project is, not the fact that they are doing it. Does that make any sense to you? I hope so.

Anyway, my kids are a little bit older and I'm always having to remind them that we don't have secrets from mom and dad but if it involves a present, they can tell me that they made it or went out and bought it and all those details, but they don't have to tell me what it is until they actually give it to me. I'm completely with you though, this whole secrets thing with young kids can be a bit unsettling.

Hope this helps.

I think that he just doesn't want to tell you about his day. Not sure what "surprises" they would be making at the beginning of the year. Ours were always for Christmas and Mothers day. Ask the teacher though if you want to be sure.
Let me also say how much the kids loved these surprises that they kept secret. Please don't take this away from your child. Its the first time that they really get to feel they are independently doing something special for you. I am one of the most paranoid moms I know when it comes to my kids but this is not something I would be a bit concerned about in preschool.

I would definitely talk to the teacher. I don't like the idea of pre-schoolers being asked to keep secrets from their parents. There is just too much "bad" things out there. I'm sure they were just trying to do something nice and just didn't realize. I like the idea of using surprise rather than secret.

I'm sure you are not the only parent feeling uncomfortable about it.

Talk to the teacher about this and how to make you more comfortable. When our guys were in three-year-old preschool, we got a verbal update every day from the teacher about what they did/ate/read/sange/etc. that day. If a "surprise" was part of the day, the teacher mentioned it but didn't give any details. This year, our teacher communicates with us via a notebook that is passed back and forth each day, and I'm assuming the same thing will go for surprises. Perhaps your school can come up with a better way to keep you informed so you can have more meaningful discussions with your son about what he did/learned each day...

As for the surprise thing, I do think you're over-reacting a bit (since you asked). It is fine to clarify with him about the difference between secrets and surprises. However, just as I'm assuming that you like to be able to give him special gifts for birthdays and holidays, give him the opportunity to experience those same feelings. I think it's a great thing that your preschool is teaching him to truly enjoy giving to others and to use his hands and creativity to make something that you would appreciate. Too many kids today grow up without ever giving anything to anyone and, if they do, it is probably something that came from a big box store with mom's or dad's money :(

You are NOT overreacting and you are not being weird. I would've (and will) lay into any teacher that uses the word secret on anything. Our number one family rule is NO SECRETS. And yes, caps is how it has been presented to our children. Surprises are ok - they're not secrets because they'll be shared at the right time (i.e., presents). But, we've taught our children that anyone (including a teacher, "friend", relative) that asks you to keep a secret is trying to hide something bad. and that it is mommy and daddy's job to help with that bad thing so that no matter what the person tells you about keeping it secret, mommy and daddy can know. Child safety experts will tell you that this one rule will protect your child from predators more than anything else you can teach them. there's a book called Protecting the Gift that makes this argument much better than I just did. When my son was 4, there was a bully in his preschool that had been well taught by older siblings (all the bullying occurred out of sight of the adults) and he used the word "secret" - that's what got my son to tell us what was bothering him. So it won't just protect your kids from the adult predators but also peer pressure and bullies. there's lots of examples in media, books, and the real world to reinforce the message so we revisit it often (my kids are in chapter books, so there's lots of good "discussion topics" in what they read. We also model what we preach. As far as my children know, there aren't any secrets from them. We do say, "we'll share that when you're old enough to understand". If there's something we don't want blabbed to the world, it is discussed when they aren't around so that they're not aware of it and there's no "secret" to be kept. Good luck!
Definitely go and talk to the teacher(s) and administration. Be polite and present it more in an inquisitive way but be insistent before the end of the meeting that the word secret not be used.

Well since you are a parent who is interested in your sons day, I take it you have taught him some of the rights from wrongs. I think they are planning a surprise and that has consumed his mind not to spoil the surprise.

I suggest you remind him that no one touches him in his private areas and that we don't keep bad or hurtful secrets from each other.

I am sure if you politely ask to see what they worked on for the day you will find they probably made a surprise project for mom or dad or both.

I think you are being wierd :)

I don't think you are being weird at all, I'm right there with you! I felt the same way with my preschool last year and did say something to the teacher about it. It's just too dangerous these days to have kids thinking if an adult tells them to keep something secret from their parents they should do it. I was ok with it's a "surprise", but you don't have to be. There is nothing wrong with trying to keep your kids safe and smart!

It's not weird to feel that secret keeping in pre-k is inappropriate. The use of the word "secret" opened a door at my daughter's pre-k. One "caregiver" started telling inappropriate things to my child and atleast one other. I complained only to find out this man followed this behavior with taunting and photographing my kid (she is special needs). She was so afraid of him she kept several secrets well after the school year ended, including that he had hit my daughter. The word "secret" should not be introduced to children this age, who are easily intimidated and impressionable.

I do not think they were having them keep secrets to be harmful. What if in the future you wanted your child to keep a secret for a good reason? Now he will be able to keep a secret if you ask him to. If a secret is being kept and it is a bad reason then I would be upset. I think this is something fun for the kids to do. It helps them have something to look forward to and also something nice to do for their parents.

Hi, J.:

Keep your ears and mind open and just wait.
Good luck. D.