He does not come to me, he just does it with his hands. When I have the need of sex, if I tell him, he would do it with me. But this doesn't make me feel good. This tells me that he doesn't need me. Should I walk away?
My husband and I met when we were both 34, back in 2004. We were both very mature and ready to start family, i.e. to have kids. Both of us had a marriage before, without kids. It was un-intentional but I was pregnant within a month after we met (I took morning-after pill actually, so you can imagine how strong that little tiny life was and now he is 11 and very very smart and strong). My husband said to me back then “maybe it meant to be”. So we had our beautiful wedding when I was 3 months pregnant.
Ever since I was pregnant, especially after we decided to get married and keep the pregnancy, I unconsciously gave the little life higher priority. I don’t remember exactly if I had regular sex with him during my pregnancy. But I do remember clearly after giving birth to our first son, my first sex with him, was the time that our second son got conceived, and he was born 23 months after the first son. It was not entirely that I did not want to have sex with him. I did not have knowledge back then, was not aware that I did not feel the urge to have him because I was breast feeding… plus that I was shamed about myself a lot of times, I was busy with kids and did not take care of myself and a lot of times I did not feel that I smelled good or something …
It was after I stopped breast feeding my second son, mostly in 2008 or 2009, I started to feel the urge to have him but then I realized that he took care of his own business…
Our second son still wants to sleep with a parent, either mom or daddy. (he was fine sleeping in his own bed for a while, but then the big bro did not want him in same room any more). After many times of me “burst” (I have to admit that on my ovulation day and the day before my period, I really need him, otherwise I cannot sleep, anybody has a solution?) we came up with this idea that, I sleep next door from the master bedroom, and he comes over after our 2nd son falls in sleep. But he does not automatically come over to my room, I have to hint ahead of time such as “can I see you tonight please” or something. The night, several days ago, that I could not sleep and posted the question at 3am something, was because my hint was not clear and he did not come over… I said to him “can I have a massage please tonight” and he did not think the “massage” was meant to be the foreplay massage, he thought my back hurts again and I needed a massage but he was tired and did not feel like to give me a massage … (I developed back pain while raising kids without knowledge on stretching… now I am expert in stretching but once a while I still get back pain, you know how it is …)
At least one of you pointed out that the sex issue is not real issue. After many year’s analyzing, I know what’s the real issue, and I have lay this out in front of my husband and a counselor at end of last year… our real issue is, we do NOT have a direct relationship between us, we only have indirect relationship through our two kids. (I drew a picture to show this, at the counselor’s office). Ever since we had first child, each of us tried to give our child the priority, but did not give the spouse priority. (after seeing the counselor a couple times, my husband said we can continue ourselves. I made it clear to him that we need to start to develop relationship between us. and I have requested him to schedule time for me to see him without kids, at his lunch time, so far he has not scheduled anything).
Also, we did not really know each other very well, before we got married. I was out of job, got laid off when he met me. This brings the issue that my husband does NOT respect me enough. (I was 34, pretty, was a post-sales/implementation consultant but got laid off from a software company in the high-tech crash in 2001 or 2002. He saw my picture on a dating web site (he said I was “alive”). He told me the other day that he felt sorry for me back then). He is very responsible, earns good money, provides financial security to the family. Somehow this also makes him feel that he naturally has right to make decision in everything, from kids’ education, to small things like where to hang a picture in the house.
I had thought through what kind of life style I want after kids, i.e. stay at home with kids, and do real estate investment to supplement my husband’s income and prepare for the rainy days (in case he loses job or something) and for retirement, and I don’t really want to work full time as employee any more (I am indeed good in real estate investment, two condos that I invested before I met him both generate more than 10% annual return and my idea is to continue to get several more rental properties). He does not support this. He wants me to get a job (and when I asked him who would be picking up kids from school and send them to swimming in the afternoon? His answer is that we can get a nanny. But I am not willing to let the nanny enjoys my kids while I spend my time to earn money to support the nanny.
So this is our real problem: he thinks I am lazy and just want to stay home and doing “nothing”.
Now, my question is back, show I walk away? (I have degree in economics and master in computer information systems, after some refresh, yes, I can get a job to support myself).
If he's not seeing anyone else, then he's not violating any marriage vows.
Try some marriage counseling and determine if this is a deal breaker for you.
WHAT?? I think I wanna call troll - but we've been asked NOT to do that. As it's not constructive...so I'll bite. I'll go and answer on the (hard) belief this is real.....
Welcome to mamapedia.
Your husband doesn't want to have sex with you? Oh okay. Is he gay? Is he having an affair? Especially if it's been YEARS!!
Sex therapy.
Is the only reason you married him was for sex? What about your vows for better or worse?
You have been married how long?
What's your definition of "years"?
Is there a medical reason for either one of you to have not been able to have sex??
Lack of sex is usually not the real problem, it is a symptom of a bigger deeper issue. You need to talk to your husband.
Did you ask him why?
Need is kind of a funny word to describe being close with your husband.
I would say that there are marital issues - so counseling could help figure out why the breakdown in this area of your marriage. If he won't go, you go by yourself. You'll have to take a good look at your part in this - as well as figuring out ways to reconnect.
be happy that he will give it to you when you ask for it, ask for it as often as necessary. my hubby needs it way more often than i do and we have had many a battle over this. i wish he could satisfy himself and give me a break but thats never going to happen.
As others have said, it is likely that something else is going on. A number of years ago my husband was doing the same thing....we still had sex but he was masturbating a lot as well. All of this coincided with the sudden death of his father. My DH was dealing with both his own grief and that of his mother being alone and *her* grief. That is quite a lot to carry. Despite being supportive to DH and rearranging our lives for the sake of MIL, it was too much for him. He was and is not one to seek counseling....so what do guys do? They turn to something like this because it is a release. If your DH refuses counseling, please keep the conversation going with him. This was a very difficult period in our marriage and had the capacity to lead to other unsavory things for DH to pursue...and I actually contemplated leaving him -- because he was becoming a different person -- not the one I married. It is also one of the few times we had arguments. The family atmosphere was not positive for our children. Today he is better. We moved and it gave DH something to focus on because our home is old and so we do repairs together. We also have healthier boundaries with MIL -- who needed to start figuring out how she was going to move ahead on a new path for herself. DH needed to focus on being a father to our own children and a husband to his wife rather than a semi husband to his mom.
It's hard to tell what could be going on. Did you give him a hard time or resist when he asked in the past? He may have decided it's not worth all the trouble and that is why he just masturbates and gets it over with. He could also have low testosterone and other hormonal deficiencies. I dated a guy like that and he made me feel dirty because he never wanted to have sex and said I pressured him into it, he was able to masturbate but being physically intimate with a woman was too intimidating and too much trouble for him. He was able to have sex with a past girlfriend without issues, but the recent decrease in his testosterone had made him somewhat asexual. Obviously, this was an issue for me and we broke up, but unlike you, we weren't married and there were other issues in our relationship.
For your situation, I would definitely consider not just a marriage counselor but a sex therapist to help get to the bottom of things. A relative of mine is with a man who has performance anxiety and they are seeing a sex therapist. The therapist gave him a set of exercises to follow and work on his issue. He needed release and would masturbate, but his girlfriend felt left out and rejected. He is having a hard time admitting this issue and it's easier for him to just consider sex like a chore and do it alone, out of sight. Have you been affectionate toward your husband and made him feel handsome and sexy? Perhaps there is something that is bothering him (like weight gain) and this depression is making him withdraw. I would not walk away from your marriage unless there are other issues or he is unwilling to seek help and this is something that is so important to you that you cannot compromise.
No, sex isn't a whole of what marriage is about. If you need sex and he's willing to have sex with you then why aren't you? Sex is easy for guys, they pull it out and it's right there. Easy to take care of.
If you are happy otherwise and just can't get past the fact that he masturbates you should probably leave. BUT please know that 99% of people masturbate and it's a perfectly normal bodily function. So if you do leave just know that 99 out of 100 men that you come into contact with that are truthful will be masterbating too. It's normal to do this. Men AND women masterbate. It's not abnormal.
If you have a hang up with masterbation then you might want to go to counseling to see if you can work through this. His choice has very little to do with you and if you're not having sex with him he's just going to take care of it himself even more.
So this makes it a you problem and not a him problem. If my husband is masterbating and I catch him I go help him if he wants. If he wants to do it alone I'm gone into another room
When a mom responds that I think I want to call troll, but won't--you are in essence, calling troll! Just refrain ....
