Hi J.,
You aren't alone, girl. No way. Even if no one else has the guts to answer this!
Guys can become a little like robots, huh? They get up, go to work, give us a peck on the cheek or lips and kind of just go mindlessly on. This isn't to say guys are stupid, it's just that they do get tired and, I hate to say it, in a rut.
Sometimes, though, they are also like Pavlov's dog. Cues can help. Tangible cues are nice, too, because we don't have to put ourselves out there to be rejected ("Uh, I'm tired...") and they don't have the weird guilt which goes with sometimes really wanting to say no. I also think that guys get weird about initiating sex after a while because we *do* rebuff them from time to time. I sometimes think that some guys are trying to be careful not to feel the same rejection we end up feeling. (And our list is longer, too--they learned a different list of reasons why we aren't into it, especially after we have our kids: too tired, all touched out, boobs are sore, time of the month, cramping, "grumpy at you", "can we just talk and cuddle?"... I think they do internalize this.)
When I say 'tangible cues', I'm thinking of something that you can bring to the bedroom with you, like chocolate. Which is nice, and somewhat of an aphrodisiac. Or trying ( I said 'trying', nothing more) to have a same-time-of-the-week routine so you can say "Oh, honey, you know, it's Thursday night. Any *plans* for the evening?" Wink. Good for those who like their routines. Or try catching him at a time that's not tired. Can you get a babysitter for some time during the weekend, someone who can take your kids out of the house? Sometimes, this can encourage a little spontaneity on both your parts. Picking a moment carefully, and then supplementing with some sort of cue like lingerie (to grab his eye) can also work sometimes. But some of it is about choosing moments when he's more awake, less engaged mentally in work or kids, etc.
I do understand too the struggle with not feeling desired. As my husband says, he isn't any less attracted to me, it's just that he's a guy. He doesn't always think of saying "Hey, that top looks nice on you" or "Tell me how come I'm so lucky to have the likes of you?" I do think that some of it can be tiredness and tunnelvision, going from day to day in same-old same-old routines. I have decided I just have to look nice for myself and like myself enough and if he notices, great. If he doesn't...well...I don't know about this. I think it's probably some sort of GuyBrain/WomanBrain chemistry/thinking that I don't even want to read a book about.
This is a good question and I'll be interested to read other's answers... you aren't the only one!