Seeking Advice on Marriage Relationship

I'm sorry to laugh, but I my husband does that too. I am so tired by the time I get to bed after a young child and teaching all day, sex isn't a thought.

We had to compromise. I had to make the effort for a romantic time period (even if it only included candles or me initiating)at least once a week-usually on the weekend when I wasn't on such a time rush . He would try to quit looking. Needless to say, I would look at a good looking guy too. In the end, I usually say something like, "That's not the best color of undies for her." "Wait till you see mine....they're invisible." Then we all laugh and go on. A sense of humor goes far! I hate to say it, but a man usually gets a hard on when the wind blows and the smell of perfume is in it. LOL and have some fun!

I know you've received a lot of great advice, and I didn't have a chance to read all of it so forgive me if I am repeating anything already said.

First because sexual intimacy is also emotional for us women, if we are feeling angry or any resentment we will not be in the mood until those feelings are resolved. It sounds like he is the one who needs the counseling not you, but I would definitely recommend couples counseling for you both to work this issue through. It is most definitely unfair if him to put you in this position. Regardless of whether you are having intimate relations or not, he has no right to disrespect you, especially in public. (Not to mention his disrespect of other women, do you know he could be prosecuted for harassment if other women object to this behavior?)

There are ways you can work through this, but you will both have to compromise. and he will need to realize that you need emotional support and intimacy not just physical intimacy. A good experienced counselor can help you, I hope it works out for you both!

i have the same no sex issue...if you happen to get a good response let me know my husband and i have gone a couple of (like 6) months without intimacy...my ob/gyn told me it was because i was lazy..i don't agree i think i might have some hormonal imbalance but i'm not the one with MD after my name...hope everything comes out ok....and the looking at other girls that's just disrespectful.

Unfortunately, you will probably lose your marriage over this if things don't change. Your husband is struggling as well as you are. He will seek attention elsewhere. It takes a VERY strong man to put up with lack of sex, especially when married. Even if you don't like sex - I didn't the first 5 years of my marriage - you need to make yourself more available to him. Try wearing sexy lengerie under your normal clothes to help put you in the mood. It is an act of love, especially when it is a sacrifice. Show him that act of love as much as lies within you. Your marriage will be better off overall. Plus, the more you have it, the more often you will enjoy it (when he tries to please you), and the more you enjoy it, the more you will want it. Most importantly - PRAY that God will give you a desire to please your husband, that God would allow you to desire and enjoy sex, that God will keep your husband attracted and faithful to only you, that God will keep you focused on your marriage. God answers prayer. You should also consider taking something that balances your hormones, preferably naturally. That may help. God will give you the strength to do this if you ask him!

I'm sure you are aware that men link physical sex with love. He's not feeling loved if you go several weeks without it and they WILL find it other places if they don't get it at home. Maybe you should speak with someone about finding physical pleasure in it - God did create it so BOTH male and female could enjoy it. If you change your attitude toward it, it'll make a huge difference to your husband - I'd start by setting up a date night once a week and just KNOW/plan to have sex during the evening (don't make excuses). He needs it to feel you love him, and if you do, it's what HE wants.

Yes, yes, get some counseling! It's not cool that he leaned in for a better look, but it's also not personal. Don't focus on that. I had a friend whose wife wouldn't have sex with him for a while (months at a time), even to the point of leaving the room to change clothes. He confessed to me that he was a captive audience when women who did not otherwise have his interest would cross their legs. Just anything got his attention because this need was not being met, yet he was meeting hers that she would reveal/express. It got to a point where I had to limit my contact with him because I didn't want him to transfer any of that to me. One day, we hugged in our usual way (usually a quick "see ya later" with a pat), and he lingered. He didn't feel me up, but I'm sure that he was enjoying having my body against his. It lasted just a few seconds, but markedly longer than usual. He begged me as I went to pull away to please let him have a few seconds. I didn't see him for a while after that, though I was not upset with him. I understood that human need, and I believed him when he told me (once things got somewhat normal) that he never had sex with anyone else during that time.

Anyway, my friend's case might be more extreme, but I hope that you get the point. Your husband is grasping at straws for a way to get his message to you that his needs aren't being met. If this has been going on for long, then he's getting desperate, which is why he is open to hurting your feelings.

That said, if it's always been like this for you, I'd like to know why you agreed to marry someone who wants regular sex. What you're feeling isn't right or wrong, but it makes for an incompatible union, and that's not fair to either of you. Unfortunately, you're gonna have to either give up the goods or be prepared for him to get it elsewhere.

A therapist might be able to help you to determine if there is some deep-seated issue that keeps you from being interested in sex, even just for the purpose of "taking care of him". Do you feel like he takes care of you in the ways that you need (not just sexually)? Is it about intimacy/vulnerability? Is your subconscience punishing him for something?

You may want to talk to your Dr. to see if you have symptoms of depression. talking to a counselor is also a great idea. Best of luck!
J.

I do want to be an encouragement to you, but first, let me just say... I think it's rather disturbing the way you admit that you know that you're not doing right by your husband, but that he should still be faithful to you in every way.
I'm sorry, but this is a two way deal. If you do want to keep your husband, you will have to step it up and take initiative with sex. So you don't enjoy it - do you love your husband, and want to keep him? I don't doubt that you do.
Try talking to your husband. Let him know that you want to give him sex, that you realize he needs it and you want to satisfy him, but that to you it's like a monotonous routine. Tell him that it's not satisfying you, and that if the two of you could explore new and exciting things, it might help you to be more excited about sex, which believe me, will excite him.
Good luck, I know this is a touchy subject.

Bless your heart. You have been honest with yourself. That is the first step.

Next decide if you truly love your husband? Do you truly want to stay married to him?

If yes, tell him you love him and want to work on this issue and you are going to be proactive about it. Keep him informed every step of the way.

Next make an appointment to get a full physical. Tell your Dr. what you just told us. Make sure there is not something physically wrong.

Next go and see a counselor by yourself. Again tell the counselor what you have said here. This person can help you find your way through all of your feelings. They can give you the tools you may need to find your way back into a physical relationship.

I am going to assume you will need to go to a marriage counselor. Not just to save your marriage, but to be an outside person who can help the two of you really communicate. I was so reluctant to go to a marriage counselor, but it was incredibly helpful to really learn some different techniques in communication. It really brought me and my husband together when we were not in the same place at the same time in our marriage.

If you do not have the energy to do any of this, tell your husband to help you make these appointments and you need his help delivering you to these appointments. Being a new mom, a wife, and a lover takes a lot of energy and if your body, heart and mind are not up to it, you will not be able to help yourself, much less your family.

I am sending you good thoughts. Hang in there, this can be fixed. Thank you for asking for all of our help.

A. -

I have been there, had that done, and have also suffered the consequences. I have never been the type to ever look into self help books until I came across a book that a marriage counselor gave me and my husband. It is called His Needs Her Needs by Willard F Harley Jr. I can't tell you how much this helped my marriage.

Check out the needs for each:
The First Thing She Can't Do Without - Affection
The First Thing He Can't Do Without - Sexual Fulfillment
She Needs Him To Talk To Her - Conversation
He Needs Her To Be His Playmate - Recreational Companionship
She Needs Him To Trust Him Totally - Honesty and Open-ness
He Needs A Good-looking Wife - An Attractive Spouse
She Needs Enough Money To Live Comfortably - Financial Support
He Needs Peace And Quiet - Domestic Support
She Needs Him To Be A Good Father - Family Commitment
He Needs Her To Be Proud Of Him - Admiration

I too was the spouse that could do without for a long time, but came to realize that the needs he has are totally different than the needs I thought he should have. And vice versa. the jist of the book all comes down to filling each others needs. Once that adaption is made, spouses tend to WANT and I mean WANT to fulfill the other. It's the easiest concept ever. What's funny is that men as us women think don't know enough and we know it all. Could be true...but it's like giving a child what they want to get what you want. It's hard to give in to the stubborness and schedules that we have created for ourselves as women and new moms. But the payoff is huge. I am going on a year and 6 months from reading that book and taking action. Now my house is cleaner, he cooks dinner, and all my laundry is folded AND put away. That amount of stressfulness that is freed up is invaluable to me. We all win, just I reap more of the reward. hope this helps.

OK, I know exactly what you mean (although my husband doesn't look at other women, he just takes it out on me in other ways). After a long day, I just want to relax. The last thing i want to do is have sex. My libido is almost non-existant.

It is easy for men because they are different than most women in that they use visual cues to get aroused. Women are more emotional about it.

Many men however, equate sex with emotion, those who aren't having sex with their wives, feel that their wives don't love them (my husband for example) If you think of it this way, you not having sex with your husband makes him feel as bad about himself as his comment made you feel. (Caveat: He never should have said that, there is never a good reason to demean another person). If he keeps feeling bad, and because of the nature of men and their sexuality, he may turn to pornography (if he hasn't already) or, God forbid, to an affair.

That said, the trick is to get you both on the same page sexually. We found that I love back massages. My husband gets the baby oil and we strip down with a towel on the bed and he massages my whole body. I don't mean a weenie couple of rubs and then we are done, he really massages me. Then I am a lot more relaxed...it is sensual, it arouses him to do it and then we are both inclined to do more. He needs to spend some time on your pleasure. Tell him what you like, don't be afraid to have him try new things then be honest. I often find that I can become "in the mood" once some time is spent on me. See if your husband will do something like this for you. Also plan for it. Scheduling sex can help...it is not like he will "catch you at a bad time," you will be mentally prepared if not yet physically.

On another note, talk with your doctor about checking your hormones. I know some problems can lessen libidos so just be sure.

Good luck!

One of the main objects of marriage is to provide a man with one of his basic needs......SEX. I mean, would you starve your dog, then make wear a muzzle and throw steaks into his cage every single night? It is TORTURE to him! If you value your relationship you will find a way to make this work. I NEVER condone cheating, but YOU are pushing him towards having impure thoughts when you aren't the object of his affections. If he doesn't give you enough foreplay or touch you how you need, then TELL him and show him what he needs to do. HE WANTS YYYYOOOOUUUU....NOT the girl at the photo place (not that he was right to be so blatant in staring). It should make you feel special that he wants to be with you! If you really didn't like it THAT much, (at the risk of sounding crass) you should NOT have married a human man.

i'm not sure what to say about the relationship part, but as far as the sex, i think you should talk to your OB/GYN! sex should be enjoyable for BOTH of you, and there may be issues you have no idea are going on that is getting in the way of you enjoying sex. and i totally understand that you are sometimes just too tired, but i guarantee it would make your hubby (and in turn, yourself) happy if you roll over in bed and say "you want a quickie?" tell him ahead of time that if you say it's time for a quickie, he has to do all the work and be done in 5 minutes. what's 5 extra minutes if it will help your husband feel satisfied?

My heart goes out to you and your husband. I know there will be others that disagree with me, but if this will save your marriage..... Fake it until you make it. I was told in bible college from my marrage and family teacher that is takes a good 10 years to become really great sexually as a couple. "Practice makes perfect" Keep practicing. My husband and I have been married 18 years and we are very in love. Marriage does go up and down. Your husband does need to feel loved and sex makes a man feel loved. Read the book "Five Love Languages" it is not just about sex. Pray Pray Pray God can do what we can not do.

Dear A.,

Bless you with your honesty and transparancy with an akward subject. I highly recommend the book, "His Needs, Her Needs - Building an Affair-Proof Marriage." It's a short-read and will help you understand the differences in how a male and female think, and their different needs for intimancy. Perhaps reading this will help you understand your own feelings and perhaps it will kindle a fire of passion. Talk frankly to your OB/GYN, just like you have on this forum. Your hormones may be off and libido low. There are natural remedies for low libido. Make sure your doctor, or another professional understands the depth of the issue - that it is affecting your marriage.

Males are testosterone driven, sexually charged, beings and your husband needs a "release" often. Perhaps there are other ways to meet his needs. You are wise to face this problem head-on, and now. If he doesn't get it from you, you are setting your relationship up for an affair no matter how much he loves you. A girl at the office who appreciates him and listens to him will become more attractive than a tired wife.
I don't mean to sound like you should go through the motions out of fear of losing him. My hope is that with help, sex will become an enjoyable, intimate part of your marriage for both of you - the way God designed it.

I understand more than you could ever know. My advice is this... first and foremost, have sex with your husband!!!!:) A marriage is a give and take. There are things that you need him to do and it would be unnaccceptable if he did not do what you need him to do in the marriage, I would imagine. Find whatever it is that you need to make sex more pleasurable for you. You could use a vibrator while having sex with him or try many other things. Just let yourself go to the idea that it is not a choice but rather a neccesary aspect of a healthy marriage. I would then highly reccomend seeing a counselor to help you both out. You could go together and separately until you both feel you are at a good place and then just go whenever you need it. You really can't afford not to go. I have two children ages 3 and 1 and my husband and I are in counseling for a similar situation. From talkign to other moms it is clear to me that not many moms are very interested in sex. It makes sense because our bodies are satisfied because we have already done what we were programmed to do, have babies. Unfortunately I don't think the men were programmed in the same way. I hope I have been helpful. I have one more thing to say...have you ever heard that smiling will actually make you internally start to feel happy? Well think about having sex with you husband and start doing it more and you will probably start to want to do it more. You say your little girl is the love of your life...your husband should be as well if you are to have a happy family for your little girl. You guys have to put your marriage first so that you can be there for your little angel. Good luck!

A.

You already know the answer to your question: You need to make yourself available to your husband, otherwise, you will lose him (in many ways: emotionally, physically...)

It's very difficult especially when you're tired from work, baby, etc., but the reality is that our husbands come first before anything else (except God, of course!). Our babies will grow and leave us, but our hubby's will still be there.

Don't be the one who drives him to go elsewhere for satisfaction. As his wife, that is your responsibility to ensure that he is satisfied sexually.

Set a goal right now to do it a certain amount of times a month. Once a month? Twice? And then DO IT. You're not alone in this, you have all our support... and you're going to do great!

My advise is whether you like it or not, you need to give him some or someone else will. Everyone has to make sacrifices in a relationship. I might be wrong but I have always believed that if they cant get it at home they will stray. I also could go months without, but I don't. I'm lucky if I get to skip two days in a row. I love my Man and it is important to him so I make sure he stays happy because he makes me happy and I don't want to ever loose him because I have not tended to his needs.

First let me say that I was one of those women that wasn't very interested in sex. I always thought it was just me, plus you always heard that women have a lower libido so assumed that was "normal". Let me just tell you that's a total crock! It took until I was 34 to find a man who made me feel like I couldn't live without sex, but it's because HE read about how to please a woman. I now seriously believe that those who don't enjoy sex are the ones who haven't educated themselves on how to make it more exciting. You don't become a great chef by following the instructions on a Hamburger Helper box, so what makes you think that either one of you were born knowing how to be a great lover by watching t.v.? Find some books for the two of you and I think you'll be AMAZED at how awesome sex can be, then neither one of you will ever have to or even want to stray from your marriage. Let me tell you that neither he nor I ever want to reject each other...even if it's 4:30 in the morning.

As for staying at home...find a home based business you are just crazy about (i.e. on-line personal assistant, Pampered Chef, Arbonne, etc) and the finances will work themselves out. Good luck!

Hi A.,

I am not going to sit here and write you a book over the same stuff that has been said 10 times over. I just want to say that I feel for you because your intimate relationship with your husband could be so much more than a chore for you. I hope I never lose my drive. Sex is too much fun to not have it and I do not let chores, work, my child/family hinder what I enjoy. I've always believed in never deprieving the body of what it needs. I hope seeking counseling will help the underlying problem of why you do not like sex. I wish you luck because men seek sex as a way to connect to you. I'd hate for it to be too late and you lose your husband to someone that is willing to show affection towards him. Good luck to you and let us know your progress.

D.

There's a great book, called "The Act of Marriage," by Tim LaHaye that was really helpful for my husband and myself. Tim is the same Christian author that wrote the Left Behind series.

Anyway, the book goes into specifics, in a tasteful way, of how to get pleasure out of sex.

I don't think it replaces counseling, but if your husband is reluctant to go, or if counseling it too expensive, etc., try this book out. You can get it in paperback online for pretty cheap. It's really worth it!

A.,

I am shocked at some of the advice on here. You said that you loved God, so you have a relationship with Him? the world knows God, but very few have a relationship with Him. He is the great counselor, go to Him. Maybe its something in your past that maybe you don't even realize, ask Him and then be willing to let God take you through the process of taking it out of your life. Sit down and write down all the things that made you fall in love with your husband and read it daily if need be. You say that one of the things is that you are tired, may I suggest that since you work at home, when your daughter takes a nap, you take that time for yourself to rest, a nap maybe or just put on some worship music and get into the presence of the Lord, so that when your husband comes home you will have energy for him.ask God to show you all the good things about your husband that excited you when you were dating. I understand that its hard to care for a baby, I have two grown children now and have been married for 23 yrs. the most important two things I have learned (the hard way) are that your husband came into your life first before the kids, and the kids will leave home one day. You must keep a healthy relationship w/your husband. go out on a date once a month to keep the love alive. Keep God as the center of your marriage, in a world where marriage is like a short term agreement and all God's values are no longer in it, we wonder why nothing seems to last. love is a choice not a feeling. I say that because we make choices everyday and the world would tell you to just forget him and find another man, can I tell you that you would find another man, but it would be the same problem with just a different face. find out what the root of the problem is and sit with your husband and work together as a team to fix it. If it were your child, would you not go so far as death to help her? God put you and your husband together, why not fight in the same way to save it. I hope this helps, be blessed and seek the one who created you and knows you inside and out, He has the answer, He will get you through it.

T.

Wow, there have been some shocking responses to this request! I don't have an answer for you other than to let you know that you're not alone. If you can sift through the responses, you can find some really good advice. It sounded like a good idea to get a physical to see if there is something not working just right before making any crazy changes. It could be a very simple thing.

I don't often think about it or initiate sex but I find when I have a little extra energy and time, it's nice to try to start something. There are many ways to give your husband a "release" and it's often fun for both once it gets going.

Another thing I thought about but did not see addressed was what your husband might be able to do to help. Perhaps he is does something to make it unenjoyable. I wouldn't come out and accuse him of it but if he's too rough ask him to take it slow or try a different arrangement. Bluntly, try being on top to give yourself the control.

I found that any comments my husband made compounds the problem, adds to my anxiety about sex. It's important to recognize that you're making an effort and if you can talk openly with him about it, it might help. I'm sure it's hard for a man who has none of the apprehension to understand what you're going through but if you let him know that you want to try something different or help him get what he needs, he may be willing to meet you half way.

I hope that you find a solution that works for both of you. Please ignore the people who are trying to scare or blame you. I'm sure they have good intentions but are just lacking tact and good judgment right now. Best of luck to you!

Hi! Just a thought, but I KNOW my DH will never stray b/c he doesn't have to.. he is satisfied.. it really is the best feeling in the world to know your hubby doesn't need to go elsewhere, or even think of it.. because he has plenty of love at home. Maybe try making it a routine.. after awhile, it will become fun.. but please do something..if the situations were reversed, I am sure you would be devestated, as being turned away is devestating to the male ego.

All I can say is what you want do another women will. If you want to save your marriage you have to do it sometime and act like you are enjoing it. Its a lot of women out there who would love to have sex and turn your husband out. Then your husband is gone and all you had to do was give up 10mins of your time is that so hard. No, so do your duties as a wife and give it up. You have to comproimse thats what a marriage is about.

A., I can relate to this, as I think many women can. I think the important thing to remember is that sex is a legitimate need for men. As loving wives, we ought to be concerned about our husband's needs and do our best to meet them. Many women today would be appalled at such a statement, I realize, but we want our husbands to meet OUR needs, don't we? We want them to listen and talk to us and be emotionally intimate, whether they feel like it or not. And we would have trouble if they refused to meet our needs - we would eventually seek to have them met elsewhere. So, we must be understanding of our husbands and what they need. That may mean having sex when we don't really feel like it, but I think we can do that out of love.
As for the problem of disinterest - I think that can be helped a lot by exploring together ways to make sex good for you - maybe you need a good book? And also, exploring what helps you feel in the mood. That will take a lot of open communication, but I think it will be worth it!
As for him looking at other women - express to him how it makes you feel and your committment to work on being better at meeting his needs and I bet he will make a better effort to control his eyes!!

Two things come instantly to mind:

1) Your husband is not being romantic enough leading up to foreplay. A woman should be sparked. And if he isn't doing any foreplay, then for sure you won't enjoy sex. Why should you? How could you? He needs to go to classes on how to turn on his wife. Does he kiss you properly? That sort of thing.

2) My mother taught me when I got married to "never say no to my husband." In other words, you don't get to have a headache, nothing. If your husband wants to make love, you have to do it. It's part of marriage. And it should be a good part--something you look forward to. But you have a right to expect more than a "bip bam, thank you mame."

Therefore, it sounds like to me you should be encouraging him to be more charming and romantic and exciting and you will gladly give in and give over. And don't forget, it's a two-way street. You can't just lie there. You gotta give back something. If you love the guy, you should be able to do that.

Tell him you want to start over, but on condition he look into ways to make it more appealing to you, whether it be a candle-lit dinner after the baby's asleep and him doing the dishes, or a sexy massage and foreplay. Try to wear something cute underneath. Whatever it takes to change your mind about your disinterest in sex. Believe me, sex is a great thing when managed properly (and cleverly).

I hope it gets a lot better.

J.

First, www.pureromancediva.com Buy yourself a toy and tell that man that he doesn't get anything until you have your "O" first. This is a weekend thing when no one has to be anywhere. My Mom told me a man needs two things in life, if he doesn't have an erection, hand him a sandwich. This is one of those things that you need to do for him. He needs this to feel like he is still important. Men are juvenile and will say hurtful things when busted. You should tell him that kind of talk is counter productive to what you are trying to do. Sit him down and tell him you realize that sex is imprtant to him and that you are going to make more of an effort to be available to him. Does that mean drop to the floor if he taps you on the shoulder? No, it means you will make the concentrated effort to see to his needs more often. Make it fun! Get a game. Put the baby to bed one Saturday night and put on your makeup, a dress, no underwear and sexy shoes. Have dinner, a little wine, and let nature do the rest. You had to be attracted to him at one point, so use that to your best advantage. Keep in mind that you are a sexy woman and keep that thought in your head when you look at him. Check with your Doctor to be sure you are ok physically. Good luck.

I noticed in your profile, that you've been married for 4 years. My husband and I are headed toward our 5th year of marriage. When we were earlier on in our marriage, things were so passionate, but now we've been married for 4 years and we've kind of gotten used to each other a little too much. I still have moments when sex is pleasurable, but I also have lost some of my drive (which can happen after children are born). I feel like I may somewhat be in the same "ballpark" as you are. When I don't feel the drive, I have to keep reminding myself that this is a need that only I should be fulfilling. I don't want him running off to someone else. I try to remind myself that it is a privilege to provide this for him, and that this is his way of expressing his desire and love for me. It definitely helps to find out what turns you on, and express that with him. I might check into these books that were mentioned as well, as I sometimes feel that he and I need our sex life re-ignited. I think that's the main thing, as you said you've been married for 4 years. It's important to take time out for just the 2 of you. That is probably my problem as well. I know that I'm much more relaxed when our girls are with a baby sitter. It doesn't help that I'm also almost 6 months pregnant, and this little guy is really taking the energy out of me. So I definitely understand. I just know that marriage should be something where both you and your husband are contributing as much as you can, and that sex is a part of it (for most men it is one of the MAIN parts of marriage). Pray to God for the energy and enthusiasm to return, and ask him what you can do to help the sex life between both you and your husband (as well as other areas of your marriage).

Hello A.,

Let me start by saying I'm appalled by some of the responses. Yes you may have an imbalance but it doesn't help that he checking out other women. And the BS about him saying when you start putting out he'll start looking at other women is a bunch of BS. If my husband was checking out other women I sure as heck wouldn't be puttin out. Even if you are not that much into having sex it can still be made fun but he has to do his part. There are ways to make it great but the effort has to come from both of you. Maybe he should show you some respect by not checking out other women especially in front of you. That is so disrespectful. There are times that my husband and I go a good while without having sex do to being tired and worn out or just not in the mood but when we decide that we are going to we build up to it throughout the day. Sometimes even a couple of days if we fall asleep too fast on the original day. But there is a lot that we both do. Sometimes him doing the dishes or giving me a shoulder rub starts it but he also shows me respect and tells me how beautiful I am and sometimes we just touch while watching TV. Nothing intimate but it lets me know that there is still the love there. You can still have a doctor check you out or go to counseling but he needs to step up and be a man. In the bible it says a man is to love his wife the way God love the church and I don't remember God giving ultimatums to the church if it wanted his love. Just know that part maybe you but an even bigger part would be his actions.
Good Luck,
M.

no man in his right mind will be able to stay faithful & loving towards his wife if he is cut off from sex, like you have done. Eventually it will cause fights, and could lead to adultery. Talk to your gynocologist. There are creams that add "sensation" and hormones to increase desire, but when it comes right down to it, you owe this to him. He is your husband. He didn't sign up for a sexless marriage. I am sure there are things he does for you that he's not crazy about too. I'm not saying every day, but once or twice a week, the guy has got to get him some, and if you don't provide it, somebody else will.

You are not alone in this arena as you can see from the responses so far and counseling may be the answer but you also need to talk to your Dr. as it could be low hormone levels however I can fully understand you have a young child and just being a wife and mother is a heavy load. As for your husband I don't think he just started this behavior and it could be the root cause of your problems. I know I was once married to a man and I had the same problems and I blamed it on children, I was tired etc. etc. Turns out he drank alot and somewhere I had lost all respect for him and deep inside I just did't want to have sex with him anymore. I thought I loved him because we had been together a long time, I loved his family, I loved being a family and one day I sat down and drew a line down a piece of paper and on one end I wrote Cons and the other side Pros. I took a week to write down in each category. To my amazement there were so many cons vs. pros that I had to sit down and talk to myself and face reality about our marriage. I was also the one trying to make everything better and didn't want to hurt the family and I could go on. We did eventually divorce and are friends to this day and his family still keeps in touch and my life has been great since. So you may be facing more stress not only from raising a child and being a wife and mother but from the stress of your husband and his attitude. Any good man would understand what you are going through and work with you going to the Dr. or counseling or whatever if he really loves you and wants to save your marriage. He doesn't threaten you with what he will do if you don't. That will get you both no where and you will eventually start disliking him for it if you haven't already.
Your husband's action are not healthy and like one response stated, he could get arrested one day for that behavior and then what will you do if he is listed a sexual predator??????
Wake up and take action and talk to your Dr. and make sure it isn't medical and then go to the counseling if need be but if he doesn't want to be part of it then you need to rethink your life.
Good Luck to you and I will have you in my prayers.

Dear A.
Taking care of your marriage relationship is so very important not only to you but also for your daughter. Your daughter needs her daddy as much as she needs you. The best gift you can give your daughter is to love her daddy.

You can learn to be more intimate with your husband. There are many good books at the Christian book stores that can help you enjoy being intimate with him. You must guard your marriage because there are women out there that are willing to snatch your husband away and steal his heart. If he is a keeper, take care of him. Your daughter will be grown before you know it and you will be all alone.

I have a few suggestions for you. Take time for your self. Take time to take a nap, fix yourself up, exercise, etc. It will help you feel more romantic. Go on dates with your husband. It will help you feel closer to him and your daughter will adjust to a sitter. Sometimes we are so taken up with our children that we fail to see the big picture. Again our kids benefit when we have a strong marriage relationship. Hope this helps. I have been happily married,[most of the time :)] for 31 years. God bless. - S.

I am not so sure why, but God mad men to have this enormous sex drive lol. The best advice I can give you is learn to love it. Make it intersting for you. Not saying that his actions are right because he should get slapped at looking up ladies skirt, but this is going to happen. Men need an outlet for the drive that is inside of them. Try doing things that will make it fun. If you enjoy it, it might not be such a drag any more. Make him come find you, buy new lingere, go get some tools(lol),shower together,tell him in the morning that you w ill be thinking about it all day, things like this anything that might make you feel better about the whole situation. You don't want it to turn into one day he has already had an affair cuz he got tired of waiting for you to want him. Men want to feel wanted just as bad as we do!

I am very sorry that you are having this struggle in your relationship. It is always hard when a real problem effects a marriage and I'm sorry you're in pain. Many women out here (if not all) have felt pain in their marriage/relationships. With that said, there is some good news for you. This problem is so fixable. Actually, it's probably the most common issue couples face (next to money issues). You probably didn't know, but the number one complaint of men who are married is that their spouse doesn't give them enough sex (it's true you can look it up). And the number one complaint of married women is that there isn't enough communication in the relationship. So, obviously from that alone men and women are very different in their priorities of a relationship. It's ok to not enjoy sex. There are times in your life that you're not going to enjoy it - especially after having a child. But this is the way your husband shows you he loves you and sex is very important in a relationship. If you've never enjoyed it, maybe it's because you haven't shared with him what you like. Maybe you don't even know what you like and that's ok. I would definitely see a therapist about this because he/she could really help. There are also great sex therapists who can help. Your husband looking at other women is just him lashing out because he's out of options. He doesn't know what to do and he thinks threatening you may help. It's an immature thing for him to do and he needs to stop it immediately. But you have to give a little too. Try therapy and see where it takes you. Be honest and talk about how you don't enjoy sex. I think you'll get a better response than you think and you may actually start enjoying intimacy. I hope you and your husband can work this out and good luck with everything. Keep us posted.

You need to try and spice things up. Do things to make you feel sexy. That may help your sex drive. I have struggled with the same thing. Go and buy some sexy lingerie. I have noticed that sex is all about attitude. If I have a good attitude going in to it, it can be a lot of fun! I know how hard it can be to get excited after a long day, but you need to do it for you and your husband. Just remember that you are doing it for the man that you love. One thing that my husband and I try is making love in the morning. That way, you are plenty rested. It's a great way to start the day! Also, try it when your baby is napping. To keep it exciting, change things up a bit. Try different rooms, positions, anything to get you excited!

1 Corintians 7:1-5 has some interesting advice on sex and marriage. Both husband and wife are to fulfill their duty. One is not to deprive the other except by agreement for a time. And the reason given "lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control." In this case it could be your husband's lack of self-control. When two people marry they become one and they belong to each other. Their body is not just their own. This attitude of "if I don't feel like it we won't be doing it " and going for weeks without being there for the husband has always been beyond me. There is good advice in all the letters. You may get help with counseling or consulting your doctor. You may also find that by just deciding to do everything in your power to make your husband happy could turn things around. So often when one spouse decides to do that he/she gets back more than is given. I put this in practice many years ago. I have been married almost 60 years and can say I have reaped the dividends. And one other thing. You mentioned you were tired. Does your husband help with getting your daughter to bed at night or help with the dishes? If not, tell him that would be a real turn on for you!

I totally understand where you are coming from. I do believe that you both need to go to some sort of marriage counseling to see what the issues that the both of you have and need to discuss. I would just be really open with your husband about how uncomfortable you are with intimacy and what things you are interested in doing and being done to you. Even if it is just snuggling under the covers for now.
My prayers are with you.

Hi A.,

When I was married I went through the same thing. I hated when my exhusband did that to me. Maybe I can make a couple of suggestions. Getting to know each other likes and dislikes during foreplay helps alot. Having foreplay for along while and doing things that each other would enjoy starts the ball rollong to love making. Maybe letting your daughter stay with your parents or his parents for the weekend helps alot as well. When your daughter is away, both of you can concentrate on each other in a more relax situation and you can also get more rest while she is away with grandparents. You can also start introducing sex toys into your relationship. There are some great sex toys that can help both of you out during rough times. Sex toys can help do most of the work for you especially when you are tired. The toys are more fun though when both of you are using them at the same time. If not any of these work, maybe you can take a taboo picture of yourself( for your husband's eyes only), and tell him to use the picture whenever he needs to gratisfy himself. I hope things work out.

girl is your husbands name cody, me and my husband went through the same thing i could go forever without it and he always wanted it, i went to doctors and they just gave me something for my hormones and it only gave me hair on my lip so that went out the window my advice to you is just give it to him cause if you dont someone will be smart dont lose him to some girl that that has no morals and will just give it to him and may not only give him sex he might be getting more than just sex it could be a std then what you have to deal with that maybe try working out 3 days a week that made me feel better about myself and i didnt mind it so much i wanted it also. good luck

Hello A.. It is common that women loose their sexual drive after having kids or you may have never really had a strong one to begin with. Talk to your OB if you're really concerned about it and he or she can help. As far as your husband, I know you love him, but I am in shock that he would do that!!! Telling you that unless you give it up he is going to keep talking about other women! That is not healthy for your marriage! Doesn't he understand that by threatening you and hurting your self esteem you are just not going to want to have sex even more!! If you ask me it's not you that needs counseling its him!! Talk to your church about marriage counseling. I also heard the movie Firestrong is suppose to be a great movie for marriages. I believe it's in the theater now. Having children sometimes takes a toll on marriages simply because we forget to take time as a couple without the kids. My husband and I take 1 date a month to reunite with each other and my sister and her hubby take a date every fri. Busy moms are hardly in the mood for sex! I always had the problem with turning mommy mode off to sex kitten. When you have your kids on the brain, it's hard to block it out and think about sex. Prayer can help, pray for you and your husband to reconnect on a more intimate level. It helps if you start feeling sexy yourself. Get a pretty dress for a special date. Make yourself feel good before you make you husband feel good (especially since he is not doing that for you). Make him realize he is lucky to have a hot mama like you.

Find a good therapist. Couples counseling is good, but I think individual counseling might be better for you. I found that when I went for counseling, it improved my marriage, because it helped me to work through my issues and realize how that affected my marriage. After I had been in counseling awhile, then my husband and I were able to have just a few short sessions to talk about some of the more difficult issues between us.
Oh and by the way, many, many, (if not all) birth control pills will contribute to depression and low sexual desire. That's not something the media discloses - but if you read the fine print, it's there. I would agree with the recommendations that you visit your doctor first and get blood levels checked, could be a hormone imbalance or low thyroid that is contributing as well. Plus, working and having a baby at home doesn't leave much energy left for hubby at the end of the day. My favorite sex book (Christian psychologist) is Douglas Rosenau - "A Celebration of Sex". It talks about sexual disorders, but is very readable and user friendly. You can order it online from amazon or check at a Christian bookstore. I have a master's in counseling and worked as a counselor for several years before staying at home with my daughter. I know the author of the book very well, he is a wonderful counselor with lots of experience counseling couples about sexual issues. I hope this helps.

Like most moms, been there. What probably has you so tired could be the longing to be with you child and the need?/want? to work, keep up house, meals, especially since you work from home. You need to relect on your priorities, what does God ask of you. We are told by the world that we need to work in order to be someone. God gives us a much simpler plan, you're God's creation, you are someone great add being mom ,you are someone great. I quite work and felt miserable because my husband and the world said we should have it all. All I wanted was to be with my family. God always provides so that we do not have to live for worldly prossesions.

I was able to stay home after a while, due to illness of a child, it was hard with my husbands mentality, even when he saw how beneficial it was for the family it took him a while to admit it and struggles with it once in a while.

If you have to work, I mean your family won't eat or have a roof over your head, hire someone to help with house chores instead of daycare. Since you work at home work around your child's schedule include dad's help. With your husband pitching in it will work, not easy but you will feel much better if both are in agreement.

I loved being with my husband once he respected me as a wife and a mom and not these plus a bread winner and a maid. You are one person and does not have to do it all - only do the important things.

Good Luck!

Two things, one your hormone level may be down talk with your Dr. about this problem. Second your husband is going to get into a lot of trouble with this action. There are women out there that will have no problem with having him arrested for this. There are also women out there that thing this is fun. Either way he is going to get in trouble. Take care and see your Dr. he may have done something already.

First of all, let me say I don't think your husband should be looking at other women...however, he is human. As a man and wife under God, your husband should be your first priority, his needs are your responsiblity. It sounds harsh, but you need to take care of him whether you are in the mood or not. If you have a low sex drive, maybe there is a problem, maybe you are normal. Your husband obviously dose have a healthy sex drive and needs you to meet his needs. I can promise you if you put him first and pray specifically about this you will see a change in your relationship. Put him first in other areas as well, not just the bedroom. Let him know he runs the show and you will see a different man in your house. Read the books His Needs, Her Needs, What Every Woman Should Know, one more, Marriage on the Rock. All are great books on Marriage. Choosing to Love your husband first is a choice. I hope this helps...I am not discrediting your needs, fill his and yours will be met also.

I would talk to your OB/GYN....they might be able to suggest something to get your drive back. You know, it's totally normal not wanting to be touched after you've had a kid all over you all day. But....your husband needs you....you need your husband. Do everything in your power to fix this....they are men, and they need sex. You might find that if you ask him for a backrub, you may get turned on and relaxed enough to enjoy yourself.
Good luck! I wish you the best.

C. (SAHM of 4 boys.)

My only advice would be to get professional counseling for you and the 2 of you. It's OKAY to not be interested in sex, but the saying goes "if he's not getting it at home, he's getting it someplace else" and that's not what you want. Hang in there and take the time to work this through.

I can't say I have been in a similar situation, but I too could go months without having sex, but I do like making my husband happy and pleasing him in that area. I'm tired by the end of the day after watching and chasing our 3 yr old, and he's tired from work too, but it is nice to have that time alone with the man I love who makes me feel like a woman (not a mom).

It sounds like your husband loves you and is desperately wanting your attention. I'm not saying it's your "duty" to give your husband sex when he wants it (Iknow I use the "I'll take a rain check" line way more than I should) but it does make for a healhty relationship and it's so worth it in the end.

Good luck, hang in there, and God bless!

In the "about me" section you mentioned your chiod but not yu= your husband. You mentioned that you love God. God gave sex to husbands and wives to enjoy. I suggest that you and your husband visit a sex theraphist. Maybe his technique is all wrong for you. I've been married over 50 years and have never enjyed sex. I think a lot of it has to be with my husband's approach to it (over zelious). I wish we had gone to a therapist years ago, but I think when we married that sex therapists weren't arond yet. Good luck, even if you have to fake it, otherwise, he'll start looking someplace else.

You need to have your hormone levels checked! Loss of sex drive is related to certain hormonal levels. I know...it happened to me! Your doctor will give you natural remedies that will help increase the levels.

All the other responses are right on with everything that I have tried to do for the past 15 years. Men NEED sex so it is important that you don't deprive them or they can react in negative ways.

The other thing is that it is important to "date your spouse". Get a sitter and go out with your husband. You will feel much more romantically inclined if you get a chance to relax and enjoy your husband. It will help you realize why you said "I do"!

That is what worked for me!

You need and must go to marriage counceling. Even if he dosent agree to go you have to go. Thats nasty what he is doing. But its also wrong for you to with hold sex from him. A councler can get to the bottom of both these problems and fix it. It might help your husband to go if you see a male councler instead of a female. Check with him first there should be no gelousy issues. ( sorry for the horrid spelling) Good luck and God Bless. Remember for better or for worse!

So much advice, here. I just want to say that you are not alone in the way you feel. As hard as it is, try to do once in a while. I feel the same way as you. But I tell myself, two minutes and it is done... I have physical issues, emotional issues from the past and present. I personally have been tested, tried creams, and nothing helped my libido. My husband is very understanding and I understand that he has needs as well. Anyway, I am rambling.... you are not alone by any means. Take in all the advice given here and do what you can. You are trying.

Both of you need to go to counseling to help solve this situation. Your husband can be a great asset in helping you overcomem your aversion to sex. Talking to a counselor will meet both of your needs. You also should see your OB/GYN to make sure there are no physical problems.

hi A.,
just read your request...even though you don't care for sex, our partner needs it....it makes them feel loved....otherwise he might end up going elsewhere for it...so i'd work that in for sure! i am angered by him checking out women in front of you and basically "threatening" that he will continue that behavior if you don't give him more sex. doesn't he realize that doing that only deepens the problem? i think you need to sit down tonight, tell him how that makes you feel, and tell him he better start respecting you....and that if he can consciously do that for you, you will be more inclined to having sex w/ him. good luck...counciling always is a good choice too....nip it in the bud!

Unfortunately, it sounds like sex no longer represents an expression of your love and attraction for each other nor is it a reaffirmation of the sacrament of your vows. It has evolved to represent a control mechanism that one wields over the other, either by withholding it or redirecting it. (That's a recipe for disaster...) So now what? If you agree to be intimate, will you feel like you've "lost" the fight? Will you feel like you have validated his behavior or set yourself up for this to happen again the next time he gets sexually frustrated? If so, then you're at a stalemate... ultimately, no winners, both lose.... That sounds pretty bleak.

Your daughter deserves and needs you both to work this out.

The unsettling thing is that he has begun (and acknowledged!) seeking physical satisfaction elsewhere.... Right now, his fulfillment is through peeping.... But that's one-sided. How long will that last? Long-term, it wouldn't surprise me if it escalates into something more; after all, he's already told you that he feels justified to seek it 'elsewhere'. XXX websites, titty bars and lap dances are probably the next evolution based on the fact that he is already responding to visual stimulation.

Of course, the problem is further impacted by the fact that you probably don't feel attracted to someone you've lost admiration for. It may have started because you were "too tired" but the issue is now involves admiration and honor. How do you convince yourself to sleep with someone whose behavior has horrified you?

Talk to your OB; test your hormones. Talk to a counselor. Take action.

So sorry you are going throught this, it sounds tough. I guess my question for you, and this is of course rhetorical, is what is it about sex that is not pleasant for you? Too much work, too much time, too messy, no pleasure, pain? There are so many reasons women don't enjoy sex, I think talking to a counseler or even just openly with your husband about what it is you are not enjoying could be a good start. Especially if the reason is pain, that is hard to deal with and you can get help with that. My husband and I read and awesome book called Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat and it helped us a lot. It is an open and honest look at sex and focuses on how to make if better and more meaningful in the marriage relationship. The author is a doctor and a christian, we loved the book and are grateful for the things we learned. As far as his look at another woman, not cool. You aren't perfect but you are his, let him know that that is not the way to win your heart. But I would say, you might want to let him know that your lack of interest in sex is not a rejection of him, tell him what is going on with you. You guys are partners in this and can only get through it together. Best wishes, girl!!

He is down right inconsiderate and I am baffled on how he told you he would continue to do it until you give him sex. No women should ever be treated like that no matter what the situation. I know exactly what you are going through, I'm one of those women who is not that sexual and could go with out it. Why? I have no clue but my husband is very sexual and I have gone through things with him though that I didn't approve of, long story short I said no more and I would not put up with it. I have 2 girls and I would never want for them to go through that so why should I. You are a woman of God and I would pray about it. He knows are needs and wants and will get you through this. Their is always room for forgiveness with your husband and pray for him as well, if he loves you like he says he does things will work out. I will be praying for you and your family.

Blessings!!

A.,
I've just joined mamasource and saw your posting. I saw 70 responses also but did not read them. I will be as brief as possible..... I will be 47 yrs old this January. My husband and I will also celebrate our anniversary in January - 20 years. Seems impossible! In 20 years, the only strong disagreements have arisen on 2 subjects: 1) sex, and 2) parenting. A friend helped me understand years ago. Believe your husband when he tells you he loves you and needs to be with you. He is being honest, bluntly honest. My husband's ultimate showing of his love for me is intimacy in sex. I used to think he was being selfish and a 'sex maniac.' Daily for him would be just fine! NOT for me. Unfortunately, I've never really had the physical drive. We never really dated - met April 1 and married Jan 14 with his son living with us (10 yrs old). Sex was more frequent then -- something I thought I had to do to be loved. My children (18 yrs and 14 yrs) have my love that no other has. That is natural. I love my husband so very much, and know God brought us together - so as God calls us to care for each other in every possible way, I talk to myself all the time to be better about spending intimate time with my husband. God made men very different -- they genuinely have a physical need that many women do not have. It is real -- it just is. Spend time in prayer about how God can help you be the wife He calls you to be. My husband accepts our life, but I tell you he'd be happy if we were 'together' daily! I can't pull that off...
Good luck, God bless, and God will show you how to be all He calls you to be in all things. J.

You will probably get a whole bunch of opinions on this topic, from all over the spectrum, but you have to do what works for your relationship. You should probably seek professional counseling. I don't know that there is a mother out there that can't sympathize with being too tired, but if this was a problem for you before the baby, that isn't the cause. I do think that it is sad that you cannot enjoy sex with your husband. It is one of the great joys of marriage. I wish that for every woman. We have the right to enjoy it as much as men do.
Do you take any medications? I was on some antidepressants that eliminated the need for a long time, and just didn't think about it until my husband pointed it out. I switched meds and everything started working again.
About him looking, again, there will be many thoughts on this also, but the bottom line is, if it hurts you, he shouldn't do it.
IMO, you both should really seek help, but if he won't go, then you should go alone. This is not being approached in a healthy way by you or your husband right now and you both need to get to that place with some help.

I can definitely relate to what your going through. After having my first son I was too tired to even say the word sex! I felt like my body was out of whack and when I would reject my fiance I felt horrible, not only for him but for me. I would get depressed and I didn't want him to feel like I was just being lazy. I also would wonder if I didn't sleep w/him, would he stray? But it takes awhile to feel like yourself again and remember that you are sexy and you need to think sexy. You did have a baby so you must know what your doing:) I think you should try making it about you one night. Let him pay attention to your needs first. Sex is Sex but with foreplay and attention to detail your actually making love. Get to know your body too and don't feel embarrassed. It takes work and thinking about the one you love when their aways works too. I read this book after my second son an I would recommend it, its called The Sex Kittens Handbook. It really does have meaning and explains why women lose the drive or if they've never had it how the FIND it. I hope this helps, I was there 100% but I've learned to love myself and learn that it was a phase that everyone needs help over coming.

I would like to recommend a book to you, A.. It's called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr. It gives great insight on how different men and women think and view things. It will help you understand your husband better and it will help your husband understand you better. My husband & I read this together and it totally changed our relationship and the way we communicate with each other. Of course the first thing is to make sure that Jesus is the center of your marriage. Go over the "love chapter" (I Corinthians 13)as well as other scriptures that help you to understand your roles in marriage. If you decide on counseling, go to a Christian counselor, preferably your Pastor or someone that you respect and can trust. There are also Christian marriage workshops/seminars that are fantastic and very helpful. Make sure to pray for your husband and your marriage daily and don't make the mistake of putting your children before your husband. Remember the best gift you can give to your children is to have a healthy marriage and a secure home. One last thing, in order to obtain a healthy marriage you have to be selfless, NOT selfish. If you are trying to make your husband happy and he is trying to make you happy it is a win-win situation. Be patient though, it most likely will be a process and will not change overnight but any step in the right direction will be productive. God bless!