Have a Hard Very Personal Question About My Marriage?

I'm not uptight about masturbation-don't feel inadequate or guilty because your husband did it. The spark comes and goes in every marriage and you are tired at the end of the day so there's not as much sex. If he's working it out solo from time to time it doesn't mean that he wouldn't rather be with you.

I know there are many opinions on this subject, but I am in stark contrast to the first poster. I have always thought of self stimulation as a completely normal and expected part of life, even in a marriage. I actually have a hard time fathoming that there are people or couples out there that don't EVER do it... THAT actually seems far more odd to me than people occasionally self pleasuring. I don't feel betrayed WHATSOEVER when my fiance helps himself. Now, of course, if he were regularly doing that in place of desiring intimacy with me, naturally that would be a problem. But I have no issue at all with him occasionally releasing some tension, say, in the shower.

My libido isn't quite what it was in my 20's, but I do still somewhat regularly feel in the mood. And even if I'm not particularly in the mood, if it's been a little while since the last time, I will go along with things, and inevitably do get enjoyment out of it, once we start. But my sex drive pales in comparison to my fiance's, so I am actually glad that he doesn't mind taking care of himself once in a while, rather than expecting me to be at his beckon call each and every time he's feeling like he needs a release.

We have lots intimacy, and we do a lot for each other. We take the time to meet each other's physical and emotional intimacy needs. I don't feel that there is anything lacking, or that he feels I'm not meeting his needs, and conversely, that he's not meeting mine. wink wink. So the once in a while self-service is not a big deal, at all. I just don't feel threatened by my fiance's hand.

So as you can see, I am in the court of *don't sweat it* unless you see it as a factor of something bigger, like you aren't having enough intimacy between you, or you are feeling otherwise not connected, which you kind of suggested. If that's the case, then I'd work on getting the fire re-ignited between you and work on rekindling your intimacy. However, if all else is well, in the bedroom and otherwise, a little self pleasure here and there is no big deal at all, totally normal, and totally acceptable, IMHO.

Im not trying to be rude, IMO, I would disregard the advice you've been given by Mitzi R. "Relieving" a man is NOONE's job! It sounds to me like you did just the right thing, you talked to your husband about it. Masturbation is not something to be ashamed of and it is not something people do because they are'nt getting it somewhere else. It's something we do because it feels good! He did it in the shower, somewhere to be considered private and also easily accessible. If it bothers you, I would suggest you stay out of the bathroom when he is showering. Continue to talk to your husband and you will find your way back to eachother. I urge you to get some away time away(easier said than done) if at all possible. Ask a neighbor or a friend to watch the kids for a few hours, during the day if necessary and get some alone time with your man. Im guessing the shower scene bothered you so much because you already feel like your marriage is lacking in the sex department. Since it doesn't sound like anything other than time is a problem for you two, MAKE TIME! Make it a priority to have alone time with your husband, and make use of that time in the bedroom. I bet a few nights of sexiness is just what YOU need to start feeling that "spark" again. Good luck and have fun with your man :)

I wish Mamapedia had a 'don't like' button!

I guess if I lived in Marci W's world, I would be the biggest a$$ around. I see nothing wrong with my hubby pleasuring himself.....I do it too sometimes.....and sometimes we take care of ourselves together. It's all about what turns someone on! Find out what turns YOU on!

I think masterbation is VERY normal, for both you and your husband. Don't let that get you down or feel insufficient whatsoever.

Spark comes and goes in marraige, especially after kids. It's so normal! Don't feel like you have to live up to some standard in hollywood movies or elaborated stories from friends. What you have is what YOU need to work with. Figure out what is comfortable for you both, and go with that and see if you need to work on something or not. Don't go to the drawing board with these fantasies in mind like "well _____ & _____ do THIS all the time in their marriage and they seem happy" or "Mr & Mrs Smith had hot sex and we need to be like THAT!!!".

Nonsense!!!

You need to be like you!

What would make YOU happy. what do you both desire and want? what feeling do you miss? how do you think you could get it back?

a lot of times it isn't really sex or "spark" that is lacking in the bedroom.

it really starts somewhere else.

Surely you are tired but there may be some other unresolved feelings. Do you feel inadequate? Insecure? Not respected in your role as house wife? Unappreciated?
Those feelings can lead to serious downplay in the bedroom.

If you feel you are doing ALL of the work that NEITHER of you wants to do? that can really effect your willingness and performance in bed!

You have to tell him how that makes you feel!

And I bet he has some feelings of his own, too. And you have to be a sincere listener without being defensive.

Good luck!

ps. you guys need a date night at LEAST once a month!!!

Wow -how sad to have the feelings and thoughts tied up in your first response. I don't care how often my husband "does it" -I do it too! But -it sounds from your post that you felt bad about hearing your husband because the spark isn't there right now in your marriage. Boy -is that one familiar! First -masturbation IS normal and always has been, so discount that (and you do it too sometime to relieve some stress). It's just plain hard to keep a raging sex life going with small children, homes, jobs, activities and all that stuff. Biology got mixed up I think -we need the raging, uncontrollable hormones of adolescence when we hit 40 -NOT when we hit 16. If 14 and 16 year olds felt like I do most of the time, there would be NO teenage pregnancy ;-) But -that's kind of the point I'm making to you. Remember how you used to feel? Remember getting SO hot and bothered and just almost not being able to wait until you and your husband could do it? Really start thinking about it -think about it A LOT. It's really helped me. No, my hormone levels are not like they were 20 years ago, but mentally -it's given me a boost. Put the kids to bed and have dinner (or not ) -hey, just open a bottle of wine and have each other! I am NOT saying women or men should force themselves or ever be forced, but sometimes you *do* just kind of have to make yourself -your mind may be leading in that direction but you're just tired, so go ahead and push through -make that little extra effort and you'll find out you're really enjoying it before you know it! Also remember -you don't have to have sex 3 times a week. Have sex once a week or twice a month or whatever fits for you two -but make it count!

next time intrupt , ask if he needs a little help and jump in the shower with him and finish him off.

We are not "sparking" as much since I'm 8 months pregnant and having a lot more discomfort than in the past. I complain about it but my husband tells me it is normal for us not to have sex as often at this point and that it is okay... I have always told him that I would rather have him wake me up in the middle of the night than ever do anything "solo," which would be like a total betrayal to me (I do not believe that it is acceptable, even if society considers it "normal," but that is my opinion). I am tired at night but try to always keep myself open to something quick, which I also normally enjoy. Sadly, I'm really looking forward to not being pregnant just to make that part of our life more comfortable again. I guess that is not advice other than if you enjoy that part of your marriage, it doesn't always have to be anything special or time-consuming. I used to head to bed early and fall asleep in something trashy or nothing at all just to make him wake me up for a few minutes when he came to bed. Anything to remind him that that is YOUR job, not his. Next time you could also hop in the shower with him if the kids are still asleep. I'm sorry...you're dealing with that better than I ever would.

Completely normal for both men and women to do this!!! Let's face it life is busy..I think you're upset because you feel guilty about your lives being pulled in all directions. Both of you make the effort to reconnect so you can be reassured that he has eyes only for you. I would rather my DH take care of business then walk in and find him with someone else.

I also caught my husband relieving himself in the shower and I also felt horrible - like I wasn't able to satisfy him enough. Well, turns out, I'm not able to! Men need sex ALL THE TIME, and even if they are getting it all the time, they will STLL masturbate. It's just how they are. I have accepted this. I am also exhausted all the time like we all are, I'm sure. I guess I don't have advice for you, just wanted to tell you not to feel bad and not to take it personally. I did for a long time, but I am over it now.

Make time for one another. I'm not sure what's going on with your anniversary plans, but that's MONTHS away! If you want your dynamic to be different- make it a priority and make it different.

It sounds to me like you are both in need of some reconnection. At night, when you're tired, may not be the best time to um... "spark". Personally, I'm completely "done" by 10:00 so for us it's either right after our little one goes to bed or before he wakes up in the morning. We found that waiting until we went to bed simply didn't work and we were both upset about it.

We keep our "spark" by making time for one another. Sometimes that means watching a movie together after nite-nite time if we can't get a sitter and sometimes that means hiring a sitter and going out for the night. Sometimes when the weather is nice it means going for a long walk as a family. Whatever works for you, but you make it a priority.

As for the whole hubby in the shower thing... you kind of violated his privacy in a sense so I would let that one go. You talked about it and the real issue wasn't the masterbation, it was the isolation.

For your anniversary... hire a babysitter and go OUT! Don't rely on the kiddos going to bed early b/c if that's the plan you know they won't. If you can't hire a sitter, then find a night that your sister CAN take the kids and celebrate then. Our anniversary is in the beginning of September, but we don't usually go out on that night... we go with my brother-in-law can plan on being at our house... sometimes the end of August and sometimes later.

Regardless. Make this a priority and make small changes.

I caught my hubby doing this too - I laughed about it to be honest - I masturbate a lot myself, so I dont see much of a problem, especially if he is not "getting some" he needs to relieve some testosterone - Can't believe you "heard" him lol - I just walked in on mine.
To keep the spark, I will pinch hubbys bum, or hug him tight and press my body against him - that's all it takes with mine lol

masterbating is normal and personal. I wouldn't think anything of it. If you want to put some spark in your marriage, go get some sexy lingerie and put it on before he gets home from work. suprise him--he will love it!

M

You need a night out together sooner than a few months! I urge you to find a sitter OTHER than your sister. You will have to pay but it is well worth it. Seriously..do it. There has got to be a teenager around your neighborhood who could sit for you. Contact a church if you can't think of anyone.

At first i thought you were talking about urinating, lol.

Im not sure that him masturbating should indicate that there is no spark. Men do this all the time whether they are sexually satisfied or not. Im shocked ive never caught my husband. I actually think there is something wrong with me for not doing it anymore.

I think what you have already set in motion is perfect.

My advice would be to keep an open dialogue going with your husband. A desire for physical intimacy comes from a deep emotional connection with your partner. If you are feeling lonely then you won't have the same desires that you do when you two are communicating well. Talking and really listening to each other doesn't take a lot of time and is much cheaper than hiring a babysitter.

Also if you are not feeling as much desire as you have in the past you might check with your dr. about whether or not any medications you take could be decreasing your libido. My husband had a vasectomy last year and I was amazed at how much sex I wanted after going off the pill. I had never realized how much of an effect the hormones in birth control could have on my body.

As far as the shower incident, I wouldn't worry about it. Its a normal thing to do. I would probably be more inclined to worry if my husband never did that.