I Need Some Advice on a Personal Issues.

Sounds like you don't have a real friend. Sometimes it's hard to let go of what you perceive as a friendship, and you may like many things about this woman, but she is not a real friend. I agree with the person below (with all of them actually) who said you have to teach people how to treat you, but some people are unable or unwilling to give you what you want/need from them. In your life people will come and go, and this is ok. Very few friends are forever, and that's ok too. Sounds like it's time for this "friend" to go. As a very busy mother of 4 you need to learn how to say NO now. It is SO hard to say NO at first, but once you learn how to do it you wonder why you ever found it so hard to do. She's not a friend. Stop doing all that stuff for her and move on. When she asks you to do those things for her just say, "sorry, I can't." You don't owe her any other explanation. Once you do this one or two times you will find out how EASY it is! Please do this for yourself. It took me until almost 50 to learn how to say no, and now I have a little bit of an anger issue for letting people dominate me for years and not speaking up.
p.s - I can tell you are a very caring and sweet person. There are plenty more people out there who would love to be friends with you!!

L., I think it is your "friend" that has issues and not you. She isn't reciprocal in her friendship and that is hurtful. Look and around see who else you can hang around with in your classes that is more deserving of your friendship. You don't need to give any explanations to your friend and if she still askes you to help our with her homework, so you are busy with family things. You have come so far and have so much to proud of, you deserve a better friend.

take care, M.

Stop getting her notes!
My sister had a neighbor who would just send her children over and go shopping. She signed up to help at the school and told my sister that she was going to leave her children at her house every week while she worked at the school and that is how my sister would be helping at school.
My sister was very upset but she came up with a wonderful plan. Every time she dropped her kids at my sisters home my sister dropped kids at her home the next day. The women got the point and the situation ended.
If she doesn't get you notes don't give her notes the next time she misses class. If she doesn't save you a seat don't save her one. If she is really your friend she will fix it. If not, she is not worth it.
By the way this has nothing to do with being Latino or Anglo, it has to do with what one is taught and what is inside a person. There are unthinking people and those who would take advantage of you in each and every race. There are also wonderful people of all backgrounds.

Hi L.... I sounds to me like this girl is using you. And, it sounds to me like she doesn't have the same value in your friendship as you do. I don't think I would try to "count" on her - like, I wouldn't save her a seat, ask her to walk to class or help her with her homework, especially if you are falling behind. Basically, set a boundary on her (in fact, I recommend that book if you get a chance: Boundaries). I'm not suggesting you need to be mean, simply, if she asks for help, just say, NO. Recently, I have really caught on to the idea that we teach people how to treat us.

Hope this helps.
R.

Hey L.. You are definately not being treated right and I wouldn't consider this person a good friend, but I would be friend-LY. However, be careful about judging the reasons without some assurance. It may not have anything to do with your heritage. Obviously she initially befriended you, sat with you, talked with you, etc. It may just be that this person is just tactless or selffish or using you to get what she needs (Which sometimes we are all guilty of, but maybe better at covering up). Some people just want to be with what they see as the in-group.(which usually make very shallow relationships). It's really up to you how to handle it but be mindful that you don't want to drag yourself down. Don't hold a grudge because others are flawed. Be proud of the great character you have. Sadly for her, she is the person with the problem/lack of manners, or whatever you want to call it. If it were me, I would try to befriend others and just be friendly if she approached me, but move on.....there isn't a real friendship there. J. C.

hi L.
I had 2 best friends through my school age and high schoo years it was fun till just 3 years ago I realized something I realized that it was always about them I had one friend coming up to visit her sister and she promised to come by and see me remeber same town not a big town either well I waited all day and guess what no friend I called her and she said she didn't have time to stop by I said ok so what did I do next well I let go and let God that part of my life was now closed and you want to know something even better happened I have friends that mean the world open and its not a gimmie gimmie thing it's both ways we all go through changes people grow up people change just like the weather changes I pray that it will be easy for you to make the right deasion mine was very hard in fact I cryed for 3 month because we had been friends since 1986 God Bless you
Danielle mother of 4

Hi L.,

I think you should definitely say something to her (or anyone else for that matter) who you feel is taking advantage of you. This doesn't mean you should be mean or caddy, just have a sincere heart to heart. She is probably not aware of her behavior.

If, however, things continue after your heart to heart, then I would consider distancing yourself from her....making yourself "unavailable".

I don't know if this is considered the "right" way to handle the situation... all I know is that this is the "I" would handle the situation.

Good Luck!!

L.,I just read your update, and I'm glad you realize that it's okay to say no. You have enough on your plate. If you are allowing yourself to get behind in your own work in order to help others, you might want to think about building stronger personal boundaries.  Clearly you are a caring, giving person, which is wonderful.  However, if you don't care for yourself first and foremost, you cannot really be there for others.  It is not selfish to take care of yourself.  This woman you discussed clearly has issues and seems content just to use you.  Drop her.  You can use the free time to catch up on your work, be with your family, and make new friends who are worthy of your time.  If she's mad that she can no longer get notes from you, etc., so what?  It's okay to have someone not like you because she can no longer manipulate you.  Frankly, it sounds to me like, value-wise, the two of you have very little in common.  Do not dignify her behavior with a conversation unless she asks why things have changed. For what it's worth, I don't think this is necessarily a racial thing. She just sounds like a user.  You can simply tell her that you have too much on your plate right now to get her notes, etc. I'm not sure I see the point in going any further. Sure, it feels good in the moment to tell her what she has been doing wrong, but to what end? She doesn't sound like someone you need as a friend, so it's not really that important for her to understand the particulars. Use your energy for something more positive.
Best,
K.

I think you may be expecting too much out of this "friendship." It sounds like she only considers you a class-mate and not a real friend, and is friendly with you because you help her pass her classes. I wouldn't say to stop being helpful entirely, because that could be rude on your part, but you should stop letting her walk all over you. For example, if she asks to copy your notes, let her... but only if you are done with them. Don't bother saving her a seat or getting handouts for her unless she specifically asks you to, and try reaching out to other classmates to help you get the notes and handouts you may have missed. And it's definitely time to stop letting your own work suffer so she can get a good grade. When she calls you needing help on a project, simply tell her you don't have time until your own project is finished.

Meanwhile, if this has happened to you in the past, it's time to start learning how to recognize when you're more invested in a relationship than the other person is, and cutting back your involvement. You can't assume that, just because a person is "friendly" with you that the two of you are also "friends" -- for most people, a "friend" is who you want to devote time to for fun, not just for school or work or the like. Anyone who just wants your help, not your company, is an associate or an acquaintance (no matter how much you may seem to have in common with them), and you can't expect them to treat you as they would a true friend. Sometimes an acquaintanceship grows into a friendship, sometimes it doesn't; you can't force it or rush it.

I'd recommend you try looking elsewhere for real friendships -- other classmates, the bookstore, the coffee shop, campus or community events, work, etc. You sound like you have a lot to offer as a friend; time to stop wasting all that devotion on casual acquaintances. :)

Hi L. -

All I can say is that this woman is a user -- she is only interested in people when they can benefit her in some way. Don't take it personally -- she's clearly narcissistic. She could be racist as well, but do you really want to hang with someone who would judge you based on your cultural background?

As a recent graduate of grad school myself, I can tell you that one of the BEST parts was hanging out and making friends with folks of all age groups and backgrounds -- I'm a 49-year-old caucasian divorced woman, and I now have friends who are under 30, latina, african-american, and middle eastern. It rocks!

A therapist I once saw told me that except with your children, "never give more than you get" in a relationship. Frankly, I'd just write her off, and if she asks for help in the future, I'd say -- bluntly, but calmly -- You know, I noticed that you never seem to offer to help ME. Why is that?See what she says...;)

Hold your head up high, girlfriend. It's not YOU! :)

J.

This girl is obviously using you for your generous nature. The way you describe her actions, it is apparent to me at least, that she has no class! She sounds like a selfish, self absorbed person who doesn't deserve to have a friend like you. It sounds as if you have a pretty content life with your family and friends that you have now. It also sounds as if you may be the type of person, who like me, is just a very nice giving person that does too much for other people. I know, all too well, that is a trait that is taking advantage of all the time. The parking lot event should have been enough to make you see this girl only wants you when she needs something! Anyone who would do something like that needs to be enrolled in the basic manners 101 class! If I were you, I would stop saving her seat in class, and don't waste your time or energy helping her out with notes or her projects anymore. If she seems surprised or questions your actions, just say "oh I'm sorry, I thought that you and so & so(girl she left u for in the parking lot) were teaming up as class partners from now on. What with the way you left me the other day to wait for her, and not using the seat I saved for you, instead to sit with her. I just assumed you guys partnered up. Maybe u should?" I think she'll get the clue. Don't waste anymore time on her, this one is a one sided friendship for sure! Good luck to you, don't give up either, users will get theirs in the end. Karma is funny like that.

Give her a taste of her own medicine. Just look for a new firend and let her do her own work.

Hi Ms. L.,
My name is D., I'm 60 years old and until this morning was wondering why my young friend signed me up on this sight. Obviously my only child is grown, married...and I am, today, a Grandmother to 6 precious youngsters. Oh what a joy they are to me, too. I work at a local hospital in nursing administration and your letter caught my eye, as well as my heart.

You're so-called friend seems to be one of those people who are totally self-absored, self-centered, and looking out for #1 (which would be HER). Trust your instincts, L., and realize that true friendship is always a reciprocal endeavor. Sometimes it's 30-70, sometimes 50-50, and sometime 10-90, but seasons change, issues happen and so does the giving and receiving. However, the bottom line is that friendship is always "reciprocal" in nature. Why she is treating you in this way is beyond my comprehension. It could be for any variety of reasons, even one that doesn't have anything at all to do with you. (Remember, it's all about her in her eyes). She may, or may not be doing this intentionally, and if you still desire to befriend her, I'd suggested talking to her directly and candidly. You can describe the different scenarios that she has put you through, telling her when she does "thus and so" it make you feel "thus and so." I think you will find out immediately by her initial response. Either she'll care, or not. And, if she cares, you will see changes. If no changes occur, then move on and don't look back. Her time of "using you" may be over - until the next time, of course. (And with certain types of personalities there will always be a next time. If not from you, then a new "victim" is sought out.) It's wonderful to "love" people and be helpful. It's quite another thing to be their doormat.

I hope this note is helpful to you, and I also hope that this works out for you. You seem like a wonderful woman who has done so much in her young life already. Continue to be kind, but don't get beat up in the process. There are many wonderful woman out there who would love to be your friend, and treasure this friendship forever. My prayer is that you find that friend!
Sincerely,
D.

If you want to, please email me at ____@____.com. I will be ther for you.

If she is behaving in this manner, it would be a good idea to pull her aside and talk to her. Also, network with other class members, as there are "better fish in the sea".

Definitely speak to her. See what she says. Maybe she is unaware and will change things. Or you will see that she is not really the kind of person you want to be close with. Hope it works out for you.

Hello L.,

Sounds like this girl is using you! You need to stop giving her your notes and stop saving her a seat. And I also think you should confront her with her issues about you because obviously this so-called friendship is definitely "one-sided." Don't be ashamed of yourself or blame yourself for any of this... She is the one that should be ashamed of herself for treating you this way. I think you should just focus on your class and get a good grade. And if she reacts negatively; don't worry or stress about it because who needs friends like that anyways.

Hi L.,
I've had this problem before. I think she's taking advantage of you maybe because you are always in class, do all your work, get good grades, and she just KNOWS that you'll do it for HER. You're too nice, and I know it's really hard to say "No." but if she's treating you like that, just start acting like you don't see her. Just ignore her, and maybe she'll get the hint. If she does ask you what the problem is, just tell her that you don't like to be treated that way and will not put up with it. YOU need to be in school and do your work for YOU (and your family.)
I hope I could be of some help at least.

Hi L., I too am of latin decent and I can honestly say that I don't think this has anything to do with that issue. This "friend" is exhibiting selfish personality traits....is this the type of person you want to have in your life? I say do your own thing, go to class, make a new friend and forget about saving a seat for anyone....this is grad school not grammer school. Cheers.

L.,

That woman has lost out on the pleasure of knowing a kind-hearted and thoughtful woman. Her loss. Cut her loose and open yourself up to finding a "friend", not a selfish Anglo.

You sound great. It is most certainly HER problem. Best of luck to you and your busy, full life!

V. T.

Trust your instincts. You have a very full and happy life and deserve better than this. :-)

W. Kassner-Labra

Dear L.,
Good for you for moving on.. however , life is give and take.
If a person can only take forget them.
My daughter has had the exact same thing happen to her in college classes,when people saw that she was getting good grades they wanted to leach off her kindness, it didnt have anything to do with color, or race so dont focus on that.
Dont ever compromise your grades for someone else.
If you can help someone who will do likewise for you, without it affecting your work , then help.
Also, perhaps you have some self esteem issues ,so look within,
perhaps you have the I have to be nice syndrome(like I have) so people will like me,etc...
Dont let people use you.
Good luck,
mom of 4

I think she's using you because you are so willing to help. It doesn't sound like she's interested in a real friendship with you despite your commonalities. Perhaps she needs to escape from those very things a bit and school is an opportunity to get away. I doubt she's ashamed to be seen with you but she clearly isn;t interested.

I'd just stop going out of your way to do things for her and when she asks for help and it would take extra effort just let her know nicely that you're really so busy that it's too much to do and that perhaps the other friend would be better suited to help her out. I'd look for someone else to help you with getting notes and such since she obviously isn't going to. Maybe you could get together two or three other people who back each other up for every class - even make a study group out of it.

L., since there is no reciprocation here I would say yes, she is using you. Stop allowing yourself to be used. Don't save her a seat, don't get the handouts for her, etc. No need to explain anything to her unless she asks you, which I doubt she will. It's all about her apparently.

L. - whether she is of Latino or Anglo background, she is a user and that is not something you or anyone else needs in their life. Honey, you sound like you are happy, well adjusted and got it goin' on! You take care of you as you have been doing and things will be just fine. You don't have to be rude to her you just done save the seat or the notes from the class or anything for her. I mean really....who is the most important person here in this "friendship"? You! Think about it this way.....who puts food on your table? Not her! Thus, her presence in your life makes little to no difference. Be plesant to her but don't make yourself available - EVER! With four children and school and a household to run, you are way to busy for the likes of someone like her. Bet your hubby feels the same way. I have learned over the years that our spouses are many times good "thermometers" about our so called girlfriends. Good luck!

A little about me:
I am a mom of two grown children and a doting grandma of two little girls. I recently retired from my job of many years and now own my own jewelry business. I am married to a wonderful kind man who I have known since we were both 6 years old. I am a very lucky woman. And another really great thing....both of my parents are still very healthy and living a full and wonderful life! What a blessing families are!

If I were you, I would tell the woman how you feel. See how she responds. If she responds negatively, it's her loss. Then I would spend some time finding myself some REAL friends that value me for who I am, not what I do for them. Expect that she may no longer be your friend, but if you ask me, she wasn't a true friend to begin with, just a user who took advantage of you. You sound like a hard-working woman with a very big and kind heart, I am quite certain there are people out there who would love you for that reason, and who mirror your heart. Spend more time with them.

All the best,
K.

I would stop helping her and saving her a seat- really stop paying any attention to her. When she notices, then tell her how you feel and that you arent just a friend for convenience. Its pretty tacky and you deserve better friends than that.

Dear L.,

My advice to you, would to be to move on from this lady. It is obvious that you are a giver in any relationship. This lady should never be ashamed of you if she were a true friend.She is a taker and is taking advantage of your friendship. A true friend would be so thankful for all your help and she would include you in her circle of friends. It sounds like you have a heart of gold. Don't let this lady get you down, you are much better than that. Put your head up high and never be ashamed of who you are and where you came from. You sound like a wonderful person. Lot's of luck to you!

It sure sounds like your "friend" is relying on you for her academic needs, but not for friendship. If she were a true friend, she would be providing you the same benefits as you are her. Maybe if you were to not provide her with the notes next time she misses class, with the explanation that you didn't think you were doing that for each other anymore, she might get the picture. Friendship goes both ways.

Good luck!

I say tell her how you feel. Maybe she has the impression you don't want to be her friend outside of the classroom? But talking about things should clear things up I Would think. I am of anglo descent and would love to have a friend of any race or nationality myself :) You can never have too many friends, and I have a very hard time making them being a stay at home Mom with 3 kids :)

Frankly, if you think that this person is worth talking to, then that is what you should do. You will quickly find out if this person is truly your friend or if she simply has no idea what you are talking about or doesn't really care how you feel. There are a lot of people that still have the elementary school mentality of making friends, and you could very well find out she may be one of them. The main thing is that you should definitely not allow someone to make you feel bad about yourself. Hope it all works out for you.

My question to you is:
Do YOU want a friends like that?
I would only say something if you feel like you want to salvage the relationship.
She sounds like a user - which I'm sure with all those kids and a husband, you probably don't have time to spend energy even thinking about.
That being said, my concern is that you said "This has happened in the past before." Is it possible that you are recreating this situation to find closer or work out childhood issues? I think you need to figure out why you keep attracting friends that use you. Do you need to be needed? Why?
Once you stop letting people walk all over you, you will stop attracting those types of people.
If I were you, I would stop paying attention to this woman. Don't save her a seat, don't collect notes or H/W, don't go out of your way to talk to her.
Be polite when you see her, but she doesn't sound like the type of person you should waste you time dealing with (or confronting.) She should get the hint, but if she asks you why your behavior has changed, simply tell her, "I got the feeling you weren't interested in being my friend because (fill in the blank.)
Another reason why you should back off and leave her alone, is maybe you are too attentive. Sometimes when people are too nice to me, it creeps me out a little.
In the past I've had friends that go (a little too far) out of their way to do things for me, and they ended up having a crushes on me. In one case, eventually a friend told me she would think about me when she masturbated. YIKES! That freaked me out! So ever since then, I've been a little weary. Maybe you're just coming on a bit strong.
Either way, I think its best to back off. Think about why you need to give so much. And if you're feeling particularly giving, concentrate on giving to appropriate people in your life (your husband and children.)
Good Luck.

This is easy. You are wasting way too much energy on this person. She is not worth your time. She is only bringing you down. I have been through the same thing so I know it's easier said than done, but stop giving her any attention. Stop saving her seat. Stop getting her assignments. She obviously doesn't value your friendship as much as you value hers. It is important to surround yourself with positive people who inspire you and lift you up. This person will only bring you down, and you do not need that negative energy in your life.

I'm so sorry your friend is a user and a snob. I have also been in the position of being in school with peers that have a different cultural, ethnic and socio economic background than my own- I am blue collar and of a mixed latino and redneck background, so I feel your pain! You will never know if this woman's behavior is due to prejudice or just plain bad manners and do you know why? Because you will forget all about her. She will not be an important person in your life. I know it stings to be treated this way but in the end a "friend" like this will be just a footnote. By the way, good job working, raising four kids and going to grad school- I wish I had your energy!

Dear L.,

I also have a few friends like that. You can not take it personally. It is purely her. She is probably insecure, and just can't handle socializing with more than one person at a time. She knows she can depend on you, and takes that for granted!

About me: I am a 31 year old single mom, with a 7 year old son

~S.

Screw her!!!! You don't need a snobby friend.

Hi L.
I saw some great responses about this and i am sure you feel better too. I would ask this friend of yours, once you are together and talking and having a good time. you can say, I have noticed this or that, or i feel a little strange regarding something that I feel I need to ask you....or....have you got any reasons for this or that behaviour. But only if you feel comfortable doing so, and can come from a non- defensive state, and just from a point of wanting her to understand there is a concern for you and you might have just imagined the whole thing, or there might be something she feels uncomfortable with or it seems that way to you. If nothing else, i think you can be friends, without you doing things for her. You must be able to just be, and not do too much, at least not for someone who seems to somehow be taking advantage of your friendship. There are a lot of other people out there. Plus, I saw that someone said, if she start talking to someone else, join into their conversation too. There is no reason for you to let her walk off with someone else while you and her are talking. Stand up for yourself in a loving happy way, and keep smiling girl! You are a nice person!

This as you must know, is not a friend but rather a freeloader and with friends like this who needs enemies. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Why save her a seat? Why be her caregiver when there is nothing in return for your kindness? I'm sure you can make some good friends that are not users but supporters. This is her problem, not yours. She's probably laughing at you for being so easy to manipulate and is sharing your work with others as well. Don't let this "little" part of your life weigh you done. Think, what would you advise one of your students to do in this case? Yes, do it.

Dr B.

Whatever her reason is, she doesn't deserve your time and help. Stop helping her out with projects and getting her notes. Don't bother saying anything more than "Hi" to her, I don't think she's worth it. If she doesn't want to be your friend why stress out in trying to be hers? You are a lovely person you wouldn't want to be mixed with a rotten apple like her.

L. -

This girl is a user and you have very high expectations of her. You have those high expectations of her because of the high expectations that you have for yourself which is great. You are doing what you know a friend does for another friend. You also expect her to do the same things that you do for her. You are putting your very high expectations of yourself onto someone else. You expect her to reciprocate all of your actions - she won't, can't, doesn't want to. Realizing that this girl - is not the kind of friend you want. You want someone similar to you, who thinks like you do and responds and reacts like you (which is perfectly okay and acceptable.) You need to tell this friend no - stop getting her notes, helping with projects, etc. She will get the hint - and if she asks you about it, tell her. Don't get mad or angry - state the facts as you see them and explain to her that, in your opinion, friends don't treat each other the way you are being treated.

Good Luck! and Congrats on grad school - I have been teaching for 12 years now and I can't even think of doing something else with my life.

J.

I had the same thing happen to me in school. I just had to say Im sorry I didnt have time. It was hard but being used is harder on your heart. Your in school for you if she really cared she would treat you the same. She will find someone else to do it. You will never see her again after school anyway. They are called users. just ignore her like any other student users hate that.

You have a lot on your plate with a family and a job. Please put your energy into your husband, children and work and forget this woman. She knows you will do for her what she selfishly wants and needs. Well, stop doing for her. Let this become what it is, a reflection of her poor behavior. She will get the picture that you are no longer available to her. But instead of perseverating over her bad behavior put your energy where it needs to go. Find your strength in the good works you do with and for your family.

Unfortunately, there are some people out there who are just "users" --- this may be what's going on here. OR she's just not very concerned with anyone other than herself, which is just as bad. It may not even cross her mind to save a seat for you or share her notes when you've been out of class; some people just aren't that thoughtful. When their only concern is their own well-being it can be hurtful to someone who is more thoughtful. Unless you can accept that this girl is only thinking of you when she needs something, or can truly accept the fact that she is mainly concerned with her own happiness, then you need to cut the ties, stop being available to her when she needs something. There are thoughtful people like you in the world --- be patient, you'll meet them eventually and they'll make wonderful friends for you.

Oprah would call this a toxic friend =)

Sad but true...Don't bother with her anymore. She is not worth your time. You were kind to her but you don't need people like this in your life. Life is too short to let her affect you so much.

you sound like you are really a sensitive girl and I am way too sensitive too. Now that I am 31 years old I can seriously say in the last 2 years I learned not to sweat the small stuff because all that matters is God, Family & my kids and of course my true handful of friends.

I think you already know the answer to the question. I do feel that she is using you to get what she wants, and takes what she can. You are a better person than that. And need to surround yourself with those like yourself. You deserve better. I have been where you are, and you feel much better when those around you respect you in return.

A Little about me:
I am a medical assistant, and loan officer. I have 2 children. A curious, highly motivated 4 yr. old son, and a joyous, rather opinionated, very girly girl 2 year old.

L.,

If "your friend" has issues with skin color, then that is her issue and not yours, nor should it be. Whatever her issue is, she is not what I would consider a friend. Not that it matters, but just to let you know, I am of anglo descent, with very lite colored skin. I have had friends with skin colors from very, very black to paler than my skin, and everything in between.

When someone starts treating me that way, I find myself too busy for them. It is not worth the hurt and it sounds like you are way to busy for that in your life!

Good Luck!
J.

Hi L. for what this is worth, you seem to have a terrific family who adores you. I would take this as a learning expierece and move on from this so called friend. You need to surrround your life with people who are also willing to give to you not just take..By this person dissining you when others come along who needs that. As hard as it may be say bye bye to her, and say I'm sorry but i have other thing's going on in my life with my 4 childeren,I don't need to take on a 5th. It may seem harsh but the truth hurts right. With all you have been through please don't allow anyone to bring you to a dark hole again. I hope i helped you, you seem like a great person. Take care, M..

She is not your friend, and she also has NO class! Let her do her own work from now on, and find someone else at school who will be a real friend. Life is too short to spend your time and energy trying to be friends with people who are too selfish to be a true friend.

Good luck!

Oh L.!!!! It will be okay!

You know, once us women get married to that perfect man, we absorb a loving life with them and it's is usually so appreciated by us and our spouses, and adimired by others.
Because of this, we mature in a very beauitful way, and we seem to "outgrow" others our age temporarily. We understand things better that were of "little importance" before we had this wonderful marriage.
It sounds like your friend is very immature still, never having an ounce of what you have. You seem so genuine about who you are, and she is taking advantage of that. She knows you probably "don't get out much", and she knows she is probably one of your only friends. BUT, let me tell you something before you get hurt.....she is NOT your friend. Anybody that would LEAVE her friend for another, is NOT your friend.
Please "save your heart" from this relationship. Change your routine, change your seat in the classroom, walk a different route. Always be nice to her, and WHEN you have conversation, always "act" in a hurry, and that you care, but just donn't have the time. She'll either come around, or you will "adjust" your self-esteem to allow someone else in your life that will treat you better.
My response is based on experience. At 42, I am just now finding new friends surrounding my adorable children. I don't have many, but they are great, quality, women thus far.
Good luck, L.!

L., my opinion is.....it has nothing to do with you being latino....you could probably be anything and she would still treat you the same way - This is the type of person we do not need in our lives. She seems very one sided and one day will realize how rude she has been (to probably more people than you) What goes around comes around to usually bite!! Sounds like you are doing great and you should be proud of yourself!
Regards,
dl

L.,
Take it from someone who is a bit older than you. Do not waste your time with a person who treats you with such little respect and kindness. There are people out there who just use others without a thought. She will not change, she probobly does not have any idea how she behaves or how it hurts others. Be proud of yourself for having 4 kids, a family and a stress full shedule with school and all. You teach others how to treat you, stop giving her a ounce of energy she does not deserve. You will find many other friends who are caring. Good Luck!

Hi L.,

I know exactly the kind of person your describing. It's my opinion that those kinds of people can't really be true friends because they are over selfish and very much into pleasing and doing what is necessary for there gain. Get as far away from her as possible. I know this would be hard for you but don't return calls, sit away from her and treat her as if she's just another girl. You can totally be nice about it to. Not necessary to tell her your possition because it will make you feel horrible in the future. Even though it's the truth, you eventually will feel some part to blame. But listen, it's not your fault she's selfish and inconsiderate. You are to important for allowing people like that in your life. It sounds to me as though this is a life long lesson for you. So, remember, your the most important person to your family and yourself. Not this second rate so called friend. So called friends will always come and go into your life. Don't worry. It's all a part of a bigger plan for you. There lessons along the way of our journeys. So don't feel bad when leaving behind such people as her. Learn from it and be thankful that toxic person will no longer be in your equation. Good luck L. and be strong...... Your worth more than what she can ever give you.

Stop doing nice things for the other woman. Move on. Stop feeling like a victim. If she asks you again say that it just won't work out anymore. She is not your friend. Rely on family and friends not some random school mate who uses you when it is convenient for her.

Hi L. - You seem like a very helpful, caring person & sometimes others can feel smothered when someone tries to help them too much. It sounds like it is time to back off a bit. You said it has happened before so that's your clue that you are coming off too strong. Some people need more space than others. I don't think it has anything to do with ethnicity so I would let that go. Meet some other people in the class, spread yourself around a bit and don't give to people with so much expectation on how they should respond. They are who they are and it's all okay. Relax, L., you've got a lot going for you... see the glass half full. Sincerely, C. S.

It sounds like you are a very nice person who is very helpful and outgoing. I think this woman is just using you because you are allowing yourself to be used. It's one thing to ask someone for notes, etc...but when she won't return the favor, that's just not right for a friend to do.

My advice is to start distancing yourself from her and find someone else in class to hang out with who can reciprocate the friendship. Have you heard the saying "It's not about you."? Well, I really don't think this is about you. It's about her and the fact that she likes to use people for what she needs them for.

Please don't let yourself be used. There are lots of other people who can be better friends to you.

L.,

Sure seems like the other girl has it made..someone to fall back on when she's too caught up in her life or too lazy to do her work herself. Nice to have someone who cares about her enough to save seats and wonder how she is.....too bad she doesn't see how wonderful you are. She doesn't get it...she never will...move on. This doesn't sound like a race thing, it sounds like a selfish girl using a kindhearted one. Find new friends...ones who value YOU and all you can offer and will want to know more about you and your life and really participate in it...not just get whatever they can from you.

But then, you already knew that, didn't you?

C.

Like Dr Phil says "you teach people how to treat you". Stop letting how I can only assume based on your comments that you were treated in high school continue to happen. She is definitely using you & your ethnicities probably have nothing to do with it. This type of behavoir crosses all ethnic lines. But if infact it does, run! Start to focus on things about you that work & pull yourself out of self doubt & negative self image.

Dear L.,
First of all, you need to be proud of yourself for all of your accomplishments. For heaven's sake, a grad student at 29 with 4 children and a 9 year marriage. You are awesome! And obviously incredibly intelligent. I'm no expert, but I have been through a lot of things in my life. I went through depression as well. Not post-partum, but due to health issues, a divorce, and numerous family deaths. I really wonder if you still have issues with self esteem....or are afraid that people will think less of you because of your 2 year battle with depression. I wonder if someone was rude to you in the grocery store, if somehow, you would internalize that. Honey, I have a 21 year old daughter, so I'm technically old enough to be your mom. This world is full of rude, inconsiderate, and selfish people. It's a fact of life. And usually, they are so busy being into THEIR OWN SELVES, they don't even stop to think that they are being inconsiderate. Because it's all about THEM. If they are selfish, they don't even stop to think that they are hurting anyone. That is not how friends treat each other. Friends care about each other's feelings. They work on giving as much as they take, even if it's just emotional support. You have two choices. One is to try to talk to her about your feelings. The other is just to be too dang busy with your own life to worry about saving her a seat or helping her with her stuff anymore. Don't be available when she needs something. Don't be rude, but just be too busy for what she needs and concentrate on yourself. She will notice a change in your behavior if she is used to you doing things for her, but my advice is to blow it off and find someone else to sit by. Approach other people. Get involved with groups at school or go to the library and meet other "friends". I have had some of the same friends for over 30 years. But, I have also had to just cut my losses and make the decision for myself that some people were not good for me. If someone makes you feel badly about yourself, run.....do not walk.......away. Find someone who will repay your thoughtfullness in kind. Don't emotionally invest in any of the rest of them. Head up. Be strong. You deserve to be treated well.

This woman sounds like a user. I would not say anything, she'll probably tell you it's you, it's not real, blah, blah, blah, blah... It's real for you and you don't need it. I would stop helping and doing things for her. No explanation, just a smile, a nod, and a hi as you walk by and take care of yourself. Don't let her make you ? a thing. It's her, and she's not a person worth your kindness.

This person obviously does not respect you as a human being. She is definately using you and if you have any self respect, confidence, and pride, I would not put up with it. You should value yourself and not put up with a person ever using you. For a person to totally ignore you and leave because another friend showed up and left you without saying anything is so rude and shows that her character is very rude and thoughtless. Those chacteristics are not ones anyone should have in a friend. She is not worth your time because that is her personality and she is not going to change. It's very clear she is not a good person to treat you the way she has been. You say you loving meeting new people, well, write her off and move on to meet other people who make you feel wanted and make you feel good. You'll be happy this way. Good luck!

L.-
I wouldn't waste any more energy on her. Seems as though you have enough to keep you occupied and you are taking energy away from your family. Sometimes you have to let things go and not ask why because there is no explanation/reason for the way people act.

I know what your going through. When I decided to go back to school I thought because it was college that people would be a little more mature. Sometimes I notice that it can be like high school. I personally keep my distance and only communicate wih a couple of people in my classes. When I have experieced what you have I keep my distance from that person. When they realize they are not getting help from me anymore they might ask why and I would just be honest. Personally I have never accepted there apologies. I am not at school to establish a social life I am there to receive an education. Some people might think I am too harsh but I have found that sometimes you have to stand your ground and be direct.

Hey, girlfriend - My advice is don't even go down that road of asking her "why"? You probably don't want to hear it and actions speak louder than words. Whatever her reasons, she isn't into being your "friend" so much. She sounds shallow and you don't. You have a lot going on for you - concentrate on you. You guys aren't in third grade and you can get along fine without saving her a seat. She sounds like a jerky person and I don't blame you for feeling hurt, but "forget about it". She's probably jealous, anyway. Show her and your other classmates that you are in control of your life, say hi to her if it's easy, but keep on walking, sit someplace different than you used to sit, leave on your own time and chat up some other students if someone appeals to you. She's history! Your independence will bring you respect and maybe real friends who haven't gotten to know you because you were sort of already in a social/study relationship will be able to approach you. You need to show respect for yourself. Period. It's great to have someone to pal around with but it sound like she doesn't have as much "in common" with you as you think. YOU CARE!! she doesn't. PS- I'm anglo and this stuff happens to us all at one time or another. Good luck!

Dump her and move forward. Who needs such a unreliable friend?
You are sharp and need that type of soul as a friend.
Say something if it helps you but I doubt it will do a bit of good.
Forgive and forget and MOVE FORWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi there!
You sound like a wonderful person, and you feel like you are getting used. It sounds like that to me too. Some people are the way they are, it isn't you so try not to let it bug you. If she is going to act that way, then she isn't a real friend. Don't bother wasting your time getting a seat for her or taking notes for her nor helping her with her assignments. You are mother of four and have a lot of other things to do. It isn't your job to do her work for her. She needs to step up and do it herself or she will never learn. In fact, just ignore her. If she says hi you say hi, but try not to get into a conversation with her. If you really feel like you would like to say something to her, then go ahead. If you let people treat a certain way then will continue to do it.

I think you've just found a really clueless, rude person who has no sense of what it is to be friend. She only seems to want what she can get from you. Why should you care if SHE is ashamed of YOU? You sound like a really great person who is looking for real friendships of depth and she sounds like a loser. I'd be ashamed of her and her behavior. I hope you find others better worthy of your time and emotional energy.

Hi L.-

Well what you have is not uncommon! The situation can be looked at in terms of who you feel is wrong or right, victim and perpetrator but I think you want a resolution. So decide if you are saving seats, sharing notes, sharing talks because you just want to or because there is something you are expecting in return. It's okay to expect friendship in return. Its more that you are ready for friendship. You just need to be clear with yourself. Sometimes we meet people and feelings are not mutual even though we wish they were. Just like in a love romantic love relationship. Sounds like you see the potential friendship without one actually being there. So my suggestions is to be open to finding a person looking for the type of friendship that you are. You have permission to save seats, share notes, help out with projects and the like with someone who is willing to care for you. Be open to sharing with those of like action, not only potential.Be conservative with your energy having recently come out of your PPD. It takes some time to fully be back into yourself. Part of your energy is still reflecting the part of you which was unreachable for a while. That is being expressed through this challenging relationship with this unreachable (but there) person. I am an Energy Practitioner and I hope this is helpful. Know you good and loved. Namaste

Let it go. Unfortunately she was just using you and now has found someone else to take advantage of. Focus on yourself and your own education.

First I have to say Congratulations on your graduate school. It is not easy to get into and even harder to get through, but I am sure you can do it!!

You have gotten all the advice I would give you, but I just want to reiterate it... (from a Saturday Night Live scene with a psychiatrist) "STOP IT, just stop it"
I am the exact same way though. I do and do and do for other people, sometimes at the expense of my family and I had to learn to "Stop it". I have done the same with taking notes for people, watching other peoples children, making dinner for others-or just inviting them to my home, but they never do the same for me. It starts to wear on my self esteem. I have often wondered why, what could I do to make them return the favor? But, I can't change them, even though I want to.
Someone else said it so well, this is your education, you need to focus on YOU. Being a returning college student myself (Just an undergrad, but I will graduate soon) I have seen how some kids act and it is bothersome. When I think that these people are close to graduating and going into a profession and they act the way they do?!?
It is hard to do, but don't do things for her anymore. Be polite, especially since you may run into her in your professional life, but you don't have to go out of your way for her.

OK, I'd better get back to my homework!

T.

L., stop trying to use the race card as an excuse and realize that some people you meet will genuinely like you and some people will just use you. It's up to you to trust your instincts to determine which are which. Sounds like you already have that answer with her. Stop doing her favors and never fall behind with your own stuff because of it...(or is that another excuse?). Sounds to me like you need some friends, just be more choosy, how about moms of your kids friends? good luck.

Dear L.,
Your "friend" sounds like a jerk. You're fine if she has no one else, or if she needs something. Otherwise, she drops you like a hot potato. This is not a friend. You are being used. Do not help her with anything anymore. You will get over wanting her for a friend. If she asks why you won't help, tell her the truth. She can ask her "better" friend. You don't need friends like this. I've had so-called friends like this and after a time or two of being dropped for something better, decided they were not good enough to be my friend. This sounds like a woman who won't even acknowledge your existence unless she's alone, lonely or needs something. I know a few people like this. This type of thing makes me angry and I hate to see nice people hurt.

Hi L., life is just too short. Read your fantastic notes about yourself (well educated, family and a happy person) and noticed right away throughout your email that you are very considerate and caring. You are the full package, baby!
This class will be over soon. Spend your energy high-fiving yourself for being so well balanced and motivated. Next quarter sit next to someone who makes a better study buddy. Another thing, friendship is a two way street. She is acting like you are a classmate, not a friend. So, don't feel bad about moving on.

This student is not your friend, that's obvious. The bigger question is why you keep doing things for her when she is giving you clear signals that she isn't interested in being your friend (and that she is a very rude person!). Move on, sista! You don't need that. You're teaching her that she can continue to treat you that way. I would cease and desist all interactions that are not shallow, social chit-chat.

This selfish user is not your friend and you need to stop allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat. It may feel a little tough at first to dump the relationship (not that you haven't already been on the receiving end of such treatment). But, in the end, you will be liberated and can find someone who responds to you in kind. Further, you will be drawing an appropriate line to support yourself and make it clear that you are not available for such treatment. You don't have to be mean to let it go, just stop trying to associate with her. When/if she tries to associate with you, kindly decline. Move to another seat. Do your own homework and don't ever help her with hers again.

I had a situation like this and it took a few rounds of being treated badly to finally take a stand for myself. I think we get trapped into these things sometimes because don't want to lose or we're so used to working harder and harder to please impossible people. Give it a try, L.. You may need to grieve the loss for about ten seconds. Then, you will feel exhileration that you've gotten someone out of your life who will NEVER truly be your friend.

L. :
Any kind of relationship takes giving on both ends , sounds to me as if this girl is insecure , and needs attention from more than just you or she will feel inacurate.. To me anybody who treats another like that is rude . You need to FOcus on you and your study's and ignore her wait for her to say Hi to you. When she does act disturbed like she does to you. In other words give her a taste of her own medicine .. Well
thats my advice .
T.

Move on. I wouldn't spend any more time analyzing why she doesn't treat you with respect or the same admiration as her other friend, esp. when you have been so helpful to her. She obviously doesn't appreciate you. Move on. You even said that you didn't like working with bitter people as an officer, why keep people around as friends who make you feel bad? I'm sure you're a great friend, go hang out with someone else who appreciates you and makes you smile! I would stop saving her seats, sharing notes with her, and "waiting" for her. I don't think it's worth your time to confront her. What's the point? Her actions speak louder than words. Nothing she could say could excuse her dissing you. Be confident in who you are and value yourself and the friendship you give others and move on! Good luck.

Don't assume it has anything to do with you...but she does not know how to be a friend...and it does not sound like you have time for drags in your life...dump her.

It sounds to me like she is using you. In my experience, people like that are not worth the energy of disliking or helping. My advice would be to just slowly relinquish this relationship, you have enough to deal with. Don't save her a seat or offer up all the help you have given in the past, but don't stop being friendly either, its not worth it. I would say that if it is important enough to you to talk to her about her behavior then it might be worthwhile, but if not some people are just not worth the energy, especially when trying to juggle work, school and a family. You sound like someone that another more deserving person would really value as a friend and ally in grad school. As a recent grad school grad myself I know that classes can be tough enough without an enemy and it is nice to have aquaintances, so maybe just leave it with that with the girl who is not treating you like a true friend.

I wouldn't automatically jump to the conclusion that it has anything at all to do with her ethnicity, or yours. But I would recommend that you speak to her about it in private, honestly. Try to use "I" statements, such as "I feel.." or "I have noticed..", without trying to sound accusatory. And just let her talk. Let her explain. If you don't like or accept her explanation, you're under no obligation to remain friends with this person.

Yeah, thats really lame what she was doing. Totally not cool. Dont give her the time of day.

you really need to slowly move away from this girl. She is only using you. The day she walked away from you, she was telling you she didnt care about you or your feelings. Stop saving her seat.

It sounds to me like this other person is using you. I can't say whether or not she is racist underneath it all, but it sounds like a possibility (I am white, so I don't want people to perceive this as I am sticking up for a fellow Latino, African-American, etc. Racism is racism and it is worng!). The bottom line is that poor behavior is poor behavior. She takes what she can get and then doesn't come around again until she can take more. Cut your losses. She is not being the type of friend you need. You need someone who is willing to do for you what you are willing to do for them. Mind you, what friends give one another isn't the same, but both friends must give, not one gives and one takes, in order for a relationship to be successful. Hang in there. It sounds to me as if you are trying very hard to better yourself, so you don't need someone taking what little extra time you have to give and using it up selfishly. Stay true to yourself, give to those you can and only continue to give to those who appreciate and reciprocate. Stay away from the takers! One day you will meet someone who is looking for such a generous and warm-hearted friend and who has wonderful qualities to bring to you also.

Written Sunday Feb.24th
The fact that you have been falling behind on your own projects indicates that the relationship with this so called friend is not healthy for you. You need healthier boundaries. You need to learn to be more assertive and less passive. That doesn't mean being aggressive, or even passive aggressive where you get even in a quiet way, no, it means asserting yourself as a worthy person who refuses to be mistreated, taken advantage of or exploited. This can be done in a pleasant but firm way by no longer saving her seat, doing her homework, working on her projects or taking any notes for her.Where is your back bone? Where is your sense of pride in who you are and all you have accomplished? Stand up for yourself.
In the future with the issue of taking notes,with someone else, you must absolutely make it clear that it has to work both ways, if you take notes for someone they must take notes for you. This friendship did not work for you. Other friendships may work out better for you. It is possible that this person has exploited you, that she is self serving, rude and insensitive. I don't think it has anything to do with race or racial preference. Anyone can be mean like this to anyone else. It usually happens to someone with low self esteem or lack of clear boundaries who allows it to happen.
Having four children is a tall order and the fact that you are going to school to further your education is admirable. You may meet new friends. It's nice to have a friend or friends who have things in common with you. If at first you don't succeed , try again, but be aware of how your own behavior is allowing someone else to take advantage of you.
Good Luck.

L., you're right when you say she only wants something from you. I agree. She is only out for what she wants. This sounds like a one sided relationship. Saying something to her will probably not change her, however, it may make you feel better. If I were you, I would let go of this relationship and work at friendships that are mutually desired. This doesn't sound worth it.

P.

BTW: I am latin background and my husband is anglo--

I understand your desire to make and keep friends, but honestly- life is too short and valuable to waste on stupid people. If someone doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and it happens repeatedly, get that person out of your life. You will feel better when you are able to focus on positive things, and leave those things that waste your energy behind.

Hi L.

For starters, you sound like a great person to me.
I am white and I must tell you, at times in life, this has happened to me, even at work. It's not a frequent occurence ,but it's definitely happened and left me wondering at times, hey.... is something wrong here????

but I think one thing you should know is it's NOT you.. it's that other person's problem. you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why this or that person acts a certain way, my best advice, don't give her anymore of your wonderful energy. Remember, it's her problem not yours. Additionally, don't spend anymore time saving her seat or getting her notes. Personally, she may be jealous of you and feel threatened. who knows, again.. let her figure it out..
Don't be at her beckon call.. Sounds like you have a lot going on in your life and much to give, don't waste it on those who treat you this way. Life is short, you deserve to surround yourself by caring friends and family.

I would not waste my time on this woman. It seems very clear from your writing that she is not a good friend. Life is too short to be around people who don't treat you well. I would definitely stop helping her especially at the expense of your school work.

Hey L.,

First of all it doesn't matter that she is white, black or plaid ---people who take advantage of others come in all colors. You sound like you have your hands full with kids, school and work and don't need to be stressing over any drama in grad school. Take care of you first no matter what. Don't save her a seat anymore, don't take notes for her or anything else unless she asks and you want to be a genuinely nice person. If you need someone to take notes for you, then ask someone reliable that you can count on. Be responsible for you and in charge of your own life. If you don't have the time or bandwidth to help her out then don't. People only take advantage of you if you let them.

From a 34 y.o., mother of two, latina RN student.

The advice you've gotten is all very good, I totally agree. Don't let this girl get to you, although I'm sure it's easier to say than do. Sadly, there are people out there that are not nice and can be conniving. Once you find someone like that let them go. You're life will truly be better for it. I agree to not say anything until she starts to "notice" you've stopped helping her, but even then, just keep your explanation direct and simple (although she doesn't even deserve that). Anything more would just be wasted energy and I'm sure you don't have the time for that. Remember to focus on what's most important to you...completing this class to the best of your ability, your family etc. Good luck!

I agree with the other responses. I don't think it is an embarrassment factor due to culture/race, rather the girl is just using you. I would be honest in how you are feeling and help yourself rather than helping her. It is your future that you need to work hard to succeed in, not helping her succeed in her future.

I think life is too short to waste time on 'friends' like that! It appears that she is just using you if she wants something. I have noticed as I get older that some people are still stuck in high school and they still have that mentality even though they are adults. It's like walking into a school function when you are 15- a popular person will talk to you if no one else is around but as soon as someone 'better' comes around they leave you. It's not worth worrying about. There are plenty of adults out there that you have things in common with, it's just a matter of finding them. Until you do, I'd stop saving her seat and taking notes for her. If she asks you or if you feel like confronting her I'd just tell her friendship works both ways and she wasn't reciprocating.

Good luck!

It sounds like you two are closer than you think. Sometimes when you have a good friend you tend to take advantage of them because you know they will always be there for you (just like family). Don't play the martor, the next time your friend walks off to talk to someone else, don't get left behind. Follow her to the new friend and participate in their conversation. Maybe your friend assumes you are the one not interested in the new person.
Do you ask your friend to take notes and handouts when you are absent or are you assuming that she will just do it because you do it for her? Perhaps she doesn't think of it on her own (some people are like that) or because she doesn't feel her notes would measure up to your quality of notes. Just another perspective.

this person is NOT your friend. I can tell you from experience, because the same thing has happened to ME on a few different occasions in my life.

It may be hard to recognize the signs of being 'used' by someone else, if you are not used to it, or have not been treated like this before.

This 'friend' of yours is only going to come around when she needs something. And I guarantee you, that she is NOT interested in anything that you are interested. She may act like it, but she is not.

It's hard for us sometimes to cut people off because we feel that for us to be a friend, we need to give. you probably feel like you don't need anything from her and that is why you continue giving to her; because you feel that you are being a friend.

Quit letting this girl use you. I guarantee you that you won't miss her.

Talk to some of her 'other friends' and get some insight on how she treats them. I'll bet that they are ALL doing her work for her..!

Stay away from negative people who use you. They are opportunist and I deal with them at work everyday. They always leave me in a depressed mood when I am around them, so I avoid them at all cost.