When to Throw up Your Hands and Call It Quits?

Stop trying so hard. Friendship has to be two-way or it doesn't happen. Look elsewhere for new friends.

Just thought: We're all busy. And "busy with little kids" looks a whole lot different than "busy with older kids"!

I would let it go. After all, you need to have some (for lack of a better word) dignity. You've given it a "go" and have "fought the good fight"!

Honestly, I hear a lot of talk about what she's not doing for you, and judging her for her feelings and how they impact you. You seem to have little compassion for her struggle to have kids (called secondary infertility), irritation for her challenges at home, and judgment of a button she pushed once on Facebook.

To have a friend is to BE a friend. You could sit down with her and have a deep heart-to-heart, framed by saying "I'd really like to get back to the closeness we used to have. What do YOU think about what's going on with us?" And then really listen. There may be a real reason she's pulled away from you, and if you care to put in the effort to change, you may be able to rebuild the friendship.

I do believe that you can also share your frustrations with her, your disappointments, but it takes two people to maintain a friendship, so don't overlook your own part in it.

First... a big hug to you. It stinks when someone you consider a friend doesn't seem like they feel the same way anymore. This lady's excuses for not spending time with you over the past couple of years are decent ones, but the fact that she hasn't started seeking you out says a lot. I hate to say it but I don't think she really wants to be friends anymore - at least not close ones.

In your situation, I think you need to stop trying so hard. Don't go out of your way to do things for her, invite her places, etc. If she really is a friend, she'll miss you and will seek you out. But if she isn't, then you'll gently go your separate ways.

You are taking her actions very personally. You are also discounting her experiences and feelings. Infertility is a really major emotional issue for many women. Struggling with a child's behavioral issues is extremely difficult. Both of these issues are complex and difficult (neither of which, it sounds like, you are fortunate enough not to have struggled with). Try and step into her shoes for a little while.

I would also suggest having an open, clear, and direct conversation with her. However, be careful of how you discount her (the phrase "I guess" basically says you don't believe what she tells you). You have created a story about what you think she is doing to you. This story will get in the way of hearing her truth. We often get stuck when we believe the story in our heads as opposed to staying curious and listening openly and finding out what is really going on instead.

You mentioned that you are struggling with not having many friends. What are your "expectations" about friendships? What do you think friendships "should" look like? Do you look to friendships for your self-worth? All of these could be filters that you look through that are blocking you from actually connecting with other women.

Be gentle with yourself. Be courageous and look inward for your answers. Take 100% responsibility for your own well-being. Allow others to be who they are rather than expecting them to be who you need them to be. Learn tools for communication (including listening), empathy, feeling your feelings. Heal your own wounded heart. Let go of blaming others for how you feel. Learn about good, healthy boundaries so you will know better how to make choices when interacting in any relationship.

Where do you live...ah..Illinois. Too bad. I live in Texas. You and I would be good friends because we are both sensitive types who have lots and lots to give, but have a hard time making new friends when our old friendships fizzle. I had a situation like this about a year ago. A friend who I'd been really good friends with and then things changed overnight and I was left flapping in the wind. This friend and I currently are on "friendly terms" now and it's never quite the same as it was before. I am letting things lie as they are and not "forcing" someone to be my friend as I know what a good person I am (smile) and the gifts I can bring to a friendship. I think you should do the same. When I let go of the hurt and that friendship, I felt much better and though I don't have any current "close friendships" at the moment, I am optimistic and open...that is the key. Good luck to you.

I've been in this same situation a few times and frankly, I would let it go. You've tried & you will only frustrate yourself to keep trying. Either she will eventually come around back to you fine & dandy or she won't & it's not worth beating yourself up for nothing. I'd check out www.meetup.com for interest groups in your area to meet some people and/or if you're a church goer, see if they have some mommy groups/mommy's day out programs so you can get out & meet some new people & put a frustrating situation behind you...her loss ;-)

Relationships change and are not always what they once were a decade and multiple kids ago. You have tried, make other friends. Don't let there be huge animosity because you don't have other friends, you might be in the groove again later. The whole facebook thing, let it go...who cares if she "liked" somebody's post. As far as your birthday goes, you have no idea what is going on in her life now (other than the issues she has shared).

Good luck!

People's priorities do change with children. Things that we personally don't think are a big deal someone else may think it's their whole world falling apart.

In my opinion, I think this woman doesn't mean to brush you off, she's just changed her life a little. I wouldn't just call quits on the friendship, but I don't think I would ever consider her to be your "best friend". I don't think you'll ever had what you did with her. I wouldn't pursue it too hard, I'd let it go for a few years...

I had 2 best friends in high school. We were so close, I had kids, moved away, got married, etc... well, we lost touch with each other for a few years. I talk to one on facebook the other one will never write back. I've talked a couple of times on the phone to the one that actually will write me back (some of the time). But we don't have anything close to what we once did. I considered them closer than my own sisters, and I have always been close to my sisters. It hurt at first, and if I dwell on it, it still does. But I have a busy fulfilled life for the most part. My kids take up so much of my time. One of my old friends doesn't have kids, never married (but serious right now with her bf), the other has one child, but is a single mother. I treasure our friendship even though I know it will never be as close as we once were, they were there when I needed them to be.

Hugs going out to you, sorry your b-day wasn't that great!

It's petering out. Let it die a dignified death. People change and grow apart.

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Friendship is a two-way street. Are you always calling with no response? If so this is one sided your side. I had to tell my son once that friends call each other no one doing all the work. So it might be time to let this go. You deserve better.

Remember friends are for a season and some are forever. You can't make someone do something they don't want to. You may never know why she doesn't want to get together (it maybe something you said or did or didn't do). I have been where you are with a friend I thought we do things for the rest of our lives (well she became cold and return of phone calls) and then moved with no explanation.

The second friend we have a lot in common and I have tried to be there for her with her husband having had similar situation to mine. But again she will talk about getting together but nothing. I would/will call but not response. I do think about her but I am not going to keep calling her. The ball is in her court and no action is being taken.

So look for someone else in the community. I do a lot of crafting and am known that way and have acquaintances that do the same.

Have a good day and Happy Birthday.

The other S.

PS Life is too short to worry about other people that are not interested. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Just let it go...this relationship or lack there of is not bringing you anything but sadness.

My opinion is, just let it die. You've obviously done all the right steps to try to maintain a friendship. You say you've found some at church, have you ever asked them to meet up outside of a church event. Try there, if not maybe you can look into a local meetup group for moms. You'll find someone when you least expect it.

I've had unhealthy friendships in the past and when I think about them now I feel sad that I wasted so much time. I felt like you that I might never have a good, healthy adult friendship but finally after years I do. It does seem to happen when you kind of stop looking. Just like any relationship. Don't sell yourself short just to have "friend"!! :) And facebook can be cool but it tends to make some people depressed bc you start to compare yourself to other people's lives so I suggest you don't get on there to much! I'm weaning myself off slowly :)

I have been in your situation and I know that it can hurt when a friend isn't quite the friend we think we deserve.. This , despite being a good friend to the person... However, I had to re-think the whole situation and came up with this.. IF by being friends with a person, do I still feel alone and in some cases, hurt by that person, is this the type of friend I want.. Also, do I feel that much better around this person? you see, I was in friendships where , although I was around the person/people, I still felt alone... my point is... sounds like you feel alone even when around her... therefore, with or without her is almost the same, wouldn't you agree? sometimes, we stay in relationships because of what we want them to become or because the devil we know is better than the one we don't... but ultimately , that is just not true. if this so-called friend is ignoring you , then you are worth more than that. it IS hard to let go, but at some point , you may need to do as such... also, I would block facebook posts.. you neednt take her off the friend list, but why go thru the motions of evening reading her posts.. especially if they are going to hurt.. to be honest, I was ONCE on facebook but because I grew tired of it being more about how many friends people can gather as oppose to being a good friend, I deleted my account. I feel too for doing it..

well whatever you decide, good luck...

I'm sorry. I wish you lived by me. I'd love to just have a Friday night where I can take the kid but still have some fun grown up card game fun. I would not put to much pressure on the relationship. One thing I know is that people do not like to feel like they are being chased. If she is not really interested in a friendship like you want it will only get worse if you pursue it. Back off and let her come to you or keep an eye out for someone new

C., I have been in your situation before, and I do understand how hard it can be to let go of a friendship that once was so wonderful. Unfortunately, when life circumstances change, people often grow apart. In my case, I had a best friend who became unhappy with her own life. She became very irritated when anything good happened to me or if I was happy in any way. I hung on to the friendship and kept trying. I have to admit that trying over and over and being rejected (no return phone calls, little snubs here and there, much like you are experiencing) made me feel quite resentful and made it worse.
I truly think if you put the energy you have been putting into attempting to revive this friendship, into something else, you will be rewarded. Take a class, join a meetup group, invite some ladies over for a craft night, ask an old friend to join you at a coffee shop, join a bowling league...whatever you think might be fun. That is what I did. Some of the old friends or new neighbors I met up with, I had nothing in common with, while others I now see about once a month, and others are new best friends. By letting go of one all-consuming friendship, I made room for many new wonderful friendships that I would not have had otherwise. I like myself better these days. I am finding new interests. It was hard for a long time, and I often wondered if I had done the right thing (ending the friendship) but now I know that it was the absolute best thing for me. In your case, I would just stop calling, inviting, etc. Good luck, it will get better.

Her reasons for not hanging out with your before are 100% valid - in that situation, being a good friend on your part means not making a big deal out of it.

As far as posting pregnancy announcements on Facebook - tell your close family and close friends - people you talk to on a daily or weekly basis in person, and then post on Facebook. People are just not going to call every friend to tell them any more.

I think ALL friendships that are closer are more distant over time - thats definitely normal. I dont think you should feel slighted by any of the things you said in your email - that is definitely normal of a friendship when you are in a not so close phase of your life. Right now, I work full time and have two kids under the age of 3. I see my "best friends" about 4 times a year, and talk to them on the phone @ once a month. I still love them, thats just the best I can do right now.

If you want to continue the friendship, continue to invite her to kid friendly events but dont be upset if she says no. If you feel like you have tried enough and if your feelings are too hurt, just give it a break and see what happens.

I know people feel it is mean to be direct, but I say it is cruel to be kind.
If she would stop sending mixed signals, you would KNOW if she wanted to be friends or not.
I understand why you try to make it work. I think making friends is so hard and I try to keep the friends I have. I would leave her alone and see if she reaches out. Then you will know if she wants to be friends or not.

Just let it go.
The friendship has waned through no fault of your own.
Sometimes people just grow apart.
She can drop to acquaintance level.
When you see her on occasion be cordial but do not pursue her or offer to do special favors.
Lot's of friends just become people who you send Christmas cards to once a year and that's pretty much it for contact.
Get involved in other things and meet other people.