So here's the scenario.. When I first moved out here 4 1/2 years ago I met a woman who had just started the same company I did. We hit it off but I noticed that she seemed like one of those work only friends. Then she started inviting me to parties, holiday things, etc. so I thought, great! I didn't know anyone out here so this was nice. We get along really well, I knew her husband from work also and we got along.
Long story short getting together to do anything is always on her terms. When I had my last two babies she all of the sudden couldn't come to the hospital to visit. When she had her last two I was there at the hospital the same day. When she asks for advice I give her some then she rejects it because she thinks it's just easier to be miserable. It seems that she never wants me to help with anything because it would be "putting me out" or some sill reason like that. EVERY e-mail I get from her is "let me know if you need anything" but as soon as I ask she can't do it. Never returns my calls, but will send me e-mail all day. Basically really flaky.
I am so frustrated but I really don't have many friends and have a hard time meeting people, nerves I guess. I know this note doesn't show all the issues but it's the big ones. Anyway, any thoughts? Should I just drop the relationship? Thanks in advance!!
Personally, I would move it back to an aquaintance level. She doesn't sound like a horrible person that you shouldn't have anything to do with, just very self-absorbed. I hope you connect better with someone soon!
I had a friend like that. She is a "fair-weather" friend. She is only around when it is convenient for her and takes only what she wants. You can't change her or even try to fathom why she does what she does, it's impossible. In the long run, she will not add any value to your life. What I did was turn my "fair-weather" friend into a "filler". I stopped reaching out to her and began to focus more on my life. I speak with her on rare occassion (usually around her children's birthdays since I adore them). Instead of trying to make her a part of my life and me a part of hers, she only fills in a crack here in there and then is gone. You don't have to call someone up and say "you're not my friend anymore". You can tell them how you feel and then see what happens. If there is going to be a friendship, then she will try. If there is not, nature will take its course.
She's not a good friend. If you were not desperate then you would have given up on her a long time ago. Find some new ones. Join a mom's group. Take a yoga class. Get out. I know the intense need for commradery (s/p) but it's not worth it if you're working harder than she is.
K.,
I suppose it's a matter of how much is it bothering you? You know what she's like. My Mom has a friend like that and she seems to consider my mother her best friend - but never seems to be around when Mom needs her. None of us can figure out why Mom doesn't just drop her - but she feels like the lady needs a friend and she's accepted her the way she is.
It would have bothered me too much to maintain the friendship - but it doesn't bother my Mom enough to do the work on her end and just accept the lady for who she is. So, the question remains - does it bother you enough to end it (like it would me!) or is just inconvenient and the good parts outweigh the bad?
Good luck and God bless!
It sounds like you only stay becuase you want friendship. Ask yourself do you get anything out of being with her. Do you like yourself when you are around her. If you had other friends would you still hang out? Has she always been this way or is this a newer side of her. Be honest. If this is something you feel like you have a vested friendship in then call her on the things that bother you. Some people dont get that they are flakes. If you are in the friendship thinking that you can fix or patch things and nothing ever gets better, then its a toxic friendship and you need to drop it. Either way try to meet new people. I know its hard to meet friends, I have a horrid time making friends too. Its extra hard as a SAHM. Try moms groups, hobbies ( check garden centers or a scrapbook consultant for groups) if you have someone to watch the kids( or if in school) volunteer somewhere. Feel free to write me. Best of wishes and remember you deserve to be treated well in a friendship, its a two way street.
Yes, drop this relationship! I know it is hard, we all want more friends not less! But relationships are reciprocal, so if she just "takes" and does not give back than that is not good! Since you are home I reccomend joining a mom's group, there is mothers and more, and meet up.com has some good one's too! Open your self up to some new relationships! If your kids are school age volunteer at the school! And remember, other mom's are nervous too and want people to like them so you are not alone!
