I have a friend that puta me down in almost every conversation yet at the same time can be very nice. I am finding it difficult to see the nice over the last couple of years. Some advice would be nice . I dont like ditching people just because I do not agree with their opinions. He following are daily examples of condescending statements.
I do Admin work and when she was getting back into the workforce she was having a difficult time as she did not have an education and her only experience was at a call centre as a manger.
I suggested my type of work. Her response: No offense but what you do is beneath me.
I was getting a new haircut. Her suggestion: Well dont cut it short I find it makes bigger girls like you look fatter. (Im a size 7/8 and shes a 10.)
She worried for her children in case something were to happen to her husband and herself. Without immediate family that could take then y husband and I offered. Her response: Oh God no, how would I explain that to my kids. We have friends with money we will draw up papers a d ot tell them so they have to take them in.
Aside from these comments its a daily... you're husband is ugly mine is so gorgeous. You should think about this purchase before you make it . You abd your husband are irresponsible. (We are in our 40's mortgage and debt free with rrsp's since we were both in our mid 20's)
Noone is smarter than she is at work and although her husband is a genuinely good guy and smarter than she will ever be she constantly belittles him. Im just tired of her...she is a person that obviously needs recognition but when is it enough? Do I kick her off her horse or let someone else?
Just by asking this question, you know she is "toxic". I wouldn't let anyone like that near me...ever.
And why do you want to have anything to do with her? I would just let the friendship die... I would be busy when she calls and just would not go out of my way to interact with her.
i don't understand why this is a friendship worth preserving. ditching someone because you don't agree with their opinions would be about ending a friendship with someone with different political or religious or parenting philosophy beliefs. it has nothing to do with meekly tolerating people insulting and berating you.
that's called being a doormat.
don't be.
khairete
S.
I'm tired just reading this, kick her to the curb.
Egads, she is awkward!
I am now having to work with someone like this.My every Monday morning starts off with her.. Sooo early in the morning too.. It really is draining.
Today she went on and on. I just smiled and really tried to just use the least amount of words as possible. She said something rude, and I said, uh huh. Yep, Oh? Really? and got the heck away from her ASAP.
If it was my really my very good friend and wanted to keep her? I would have a heart to heart. "Honey, I know you do not realize this, but some of your comments are just not appropriate? or " Honey, I know in your heart you are a good person, but the things you say, really come out in a hurtful way."
Then give very specific, exact words so that she can hear them. Write them down so you will know they are exactly what she said.
If you are done with her, just let her know, since you "cannot live up to her high standards, it would probably be best to no longer burden her with your presence,"
She's really really self absorbed and a bore.
If you dumped her, it would probably take awhile for her to notice.
There's no need for you to be an audience for her.
You're only other choice is to call her out over what ever falls out of her mouth.
You'll be saying 'What do you mean by that?' or "Are you calling me fat?" or "Did you really mean to suggest that <what ever her latest insult is>?".
You are not qualified to be her therapist - she doesn't even know she has a problem and she has no interest in fixing it.
She's just not worth your time and effort.
She is NOT a friend . You deserve more.
Don't be her doormat any longer.
That would be a toxic relationship.
Her well of self esteem has gone dry. She will use you or anybody in sight to fill it but it will never be filled without counseling.
It's not her opinions you have a problem with, it's her insults.
Let yourself off the hook and walk.
Clearly she does not have an awareness about herself in that she may say things that are often aloof and off base.. That said, I recently left what I considered a toxic friendship. I had known this person for almost 30 years, however, over time we have some issues, which I won't get into so as not to bore you :) BUT will say.. BEFORE I left the friendship, I needed to first ask myself this.. why did I put up with certain things over the years that were clearly not right, also.. what is it about ME that attracts certain people into my life.. those were hard questions for me to answer.... turns out, I was a pretty big codependent and enabler and allowed her to treat me as such.. in other words, I taught my friend how to treat to me. I did this every time I didn't speak up when she may have hurt me, I did this every time I felt used and instead of speaking up I'd welcome her into my home... point is.. I was in charge of my actions and it was my actions who kept saying, I am a doormat , it's ok to use me.. then one day , after about almost two years of a 12 step program I thought, wait.. I don't have to put with someone elses BS... it took me a long time, but eventually I wrote the person a letter and told her why I wished to no longer hang out and gave an example of why the friendship was toxic.. I didn't get into every last detail, but felt it necessary to speak my truth... I did so as gently as I go, however I also needed to be direct.... I ended the letter wishing her good things in life.. needless to say, never heard back.. yet , I did not expect to and because I had no expectations is why I could finally write that letter.. I should also note, I did confront her in person years ago, although nothing changed.. then when I started the 12 step program, I realized change doesn't begin with other people, it begins with me.. so began my journey of healing...
think about what has kept you in the friendship and although you have seen red flags along the way, what made you stay... and then decide, is what you are staying for really worth it..
good luck
Why do you continue to associate with this person?
Sorry, your friend is NOT a friend.
I had a friend like that I had to deal with bc of one of my kids. She's very insecure. But. She's gotten way better. If this woman hasn't and it's been years of this, ask if the good outweighs the bad. She's pretty bad. My friend was never actually insulting. So unless there's a lot of really good, move on. It's hard but liberating once you do.
L. I don't believe this is a 'difference of opinion'. It's just down right disrespect. Maybe your friend doesn't realize this, maybe she thinks she's being funny or maybe she just doesn't care, but my thought is that you let her know, honestly, how she makes you feel. If she cannot make the change to choose her words more carefully, then you should get out. It's not doing you any good to be in a relationship that is hurting your self esteem.
When exactly is she nice????
NO ONE is ever allowed to belittle me like that. Ever.
You're telling her it's ok to say those things by not walking away from this.
Stand up for yourself.
People treat you how you let them. You need to get that toxic person out of your life ASAP. She is not your friend. If she talks like this to your face, she talks worse behind your back. Drop her and move on with your life without giving her a second thought. She sounds awful!
Why would you want to be friends with her? What are you getting in this relationship? Could it be that you like feeling better/more successful than her? Perhaps you started as friends so that you could help her. Are you still wanting to help her improve? Are you hoping to convince her of something?There must be more to this story. I suggest that unless you enjoy the relationship I can think of no reason to continue it.
Is this a toxic friendship? Yes.
Should you take (a) walk? Yesterday!
OMG.....with a friend like that who needs an enemy! No, girlfriend, you need to kick her to the curb. Like my mom always says no friends is better than fake friends.
I WILL BE YOUR FRIEND!
Take care and YOU ARE WAY BETTER THAN THAT.
your "friend" has what sounds like "borderline personality disorder" , does the person "swing" from being "helpful" one minute to "catty" the next minute??and she doesnt seem to notice her own sudden mood shift?thats the calling card for borderline personality disorder..kick her off her horse?sure, but heres a little secret.."bpd's" are almost ALWAYS germaphobes ..next time she comes around you..SNIFFLE..LOUDLY..the "bpd" will suddenly recoil, put a hand over their mouth and RUN to wash and sanitize their hands( and everything else).every time she comes near you..SNIFFLE..and try not to giggle when she runs to wash and sanitize her hands..you will have solved the problem of dealing with her,without having to get ugly with her. you can find a better"friend" then that one almost anywhere short of the morgue..K. h.
Are you serious? She is a mess.
With a person like this, either you cry or you laugh. Which one can you do?
How is this a friendship? Has she always been this way and has amped it up over the last two years? Are you just now getting sick of it? Why haven't you said something before? It's not about kicking her off her horse. It's about communication. I mean, I can't imagine being engaged in discussion with someone and just skipping over the things that she is saying. Don't let the discussion end on her nasty note. For example, about the kids going to her friends with money, your reply could have been, "Oh, well, I can see money being important, but you will have to make sure that they would want your children. Just putting it in a will won't get it done. How would you want your children to be raised if you couldn't do it?" If you are continuing to engage with her, then you owe it to yourself and to her not to let these things go. You are doing her a disservice by calling your relationship a friendship and not responding directly to what she says to you.
"Please stop telling me how gorgeous your husband is. I get it, and I'm glad that you enjoy his looks. Can we talk about something else?"
"What I do is beneath you? What exactly is it that you think I do? ...And what part of it isn't good enough for you?"
Relationships and people don't grow unless they are challenged. Maybe she will never see things differently, but maybe you have an in to make a difference in her life and the lives of others she encounters. She says these things to you because you give her no reason not to. You give her a platform to speak only of her greatness, which may or may not be sincere. We attract and hold certain people to us for a reason. When you're really tired of it, you'll show her something different, and the relationship will either evolve or die. I don't think that she is toxic at all; maybe your combo is toxic, meaning that you two are bad together. I think that YOU provide a platform and an audience for her to be assy. You have to take responsibility for how your relationships function; you are an equal partner.
You mention at the very end, "Should I kick her off her horse..." Don't bother. She does not have the self-awareness to be able to step back and see herself as others see her, and anything you say will be turned around on you and she will make it about your inadequacy, not her own nasty negativity. Save your breath.
I started to think, "Well, this may be fixable" until I hit the part of the post where you say that she makes "daily" comments about your ugly husband, your purchase, your "irresponsibility" -- daily? In those words? She never was your friend, and if you are holding out that she's still a friend on some level -- please spare yourself. Any energy you put into dealing with her, even the energy it takes just to hold your tongue each day, is energy that could be put toward making new and real friends! Was your friendship started because you shared some kind of interests, because she was good to talk with (once upon a time) etc.? That's a real basis for friendship.
Or is a "friendship" of pure proximity, where you happen to be at the same places at the same time, or a friendship of pure duration, where you've just known her a long time yet you share no real interests or real conversations? None of the above is a real friendship.
Two thoughts:
One, it sounds like she knows way too much about your business, and you may know too much about hers. Why does she comment on a haircut you haven't had yet, or purchases you're only considering? Because you're telling her about your day to day life which includes those things. I wouldn't tell her anything at all, frankly. And why are you volunteering to be a guardian to her kids? Well, because you're nice, but it sounds as if she was discussing it only as a vehicle for bringing up how lushly her kids will be raised by others. (Be glad she didn't say yes. Can you imagine the daily irritation of her feeling she had a right to tell you how to live your life, how to run your home and discipline your own kids, just because she knew you were her kids' legal guardian if something happened?!)
Two, do you work with this woman? Or somehow see her every day? You mention daily comments from her so it sounds as if you have far, far too much exposure to her. I guess you don't work with her if she is too good for your workplace as she thinks, but whatever it is that brings you together so frequently - stop doing it! You do not deserve DAILY contact with this non-friend. And again -- the time you spend with her, talking to her, is time you can spend in anything that's better! If you and she are in some organization or group or class -- one hates to give up something you may enjoy because of her, but I would really seriously weigh whether her toxic presence is overwhelming your enjoyment of whatever the activity is. If this is a kid activity your kids share with hers, summer is a good time to say "We're off on vacation" and not return to it in the fall! You live in an area that surely has many, many things for you to do, for your kids and family to do, that don't involve her. Do your kids go to school together so you'd see her there? Always be on the way to somewhere else when you run into her.
If she pursues you to see her, be too busy every time she calls or e-mails. You are never obliged to answer a text, call or e-mail as soon as it arrives. Let her communications sit for a day at least and then answer that you are doing X or Y. If she doesn't take the hint, she's thick as well as self-centered.
Yes, this is a toxic relationship and you prob have let her get away with this behavior the entire duration of your friendship. It is less likely to change as she seems to have no respect for you. I hear insecurity on her part and she is trying to give it to you.
I stay home with my kids, so I'm lucky enough to be able to get ready for my day after they are at school, and since we literally live right next to the school, I will often throw on some jeans / t-shirt, run a brush through my hair and walk them through the back yard to school.
One morning I had to be somewhere so I was ship-shape before we left. A woman I was just getting to know said to me "Oh you found the time to do your hair." Ha!
After this comment to me and other mean-spirited comments I've heard her say to and about others, I avoided her from then on, and now we don't know each other.
Granted, she was not a close friend, but you must move on from this woman. She is not your friend and she thinks it's ok to dump on you because you have put up with it.
Run for the hills!!!
Yes, toxic!!! and yes, a narcissist. This is not a true friendship and you deserve better.
Don't even other with her high horse and RUN... just move on!!
Good luck
Your coworker (she's not a friend) is a narcissist. I strongly recommend reading the book "Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry" by Bernstein. You'll learn how to navigate these situations, and how to emotionally protect yourself.
You are worthy of kind words and treatment. I recommend that you go "medium chill" on this relationship (don't answer calls, don't commit to any events or lunches with her, don't act too interesting around her, don't really chat with her....be boring). Let her attention go elsewhere. Find yourself a new, real, caring friend, or spend your time with your other friends.
Here's the link to the book: http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Vampires-Dealing-People-D...
Totally toxic. She's belittles you in order to build herself up. Don't let her do that to you anymore! Tell her where to fly her kite!
My only piece of advice, and it goes for anyone, is HONOR YOURSELF FIRST
not other words needed, and you already knew the answer before you wrote
