No Longer a Friend?

I have afriend tha I was friends with in grade school and it seems as though im always the one that does the calling and all too. you know what I would just stop puting in the effort and when she asks why let her know. Be assetive on eeverything. If that doessnt work than you will only see her when you have too. with the two husbands around.

Maybe as she gets settled down in her new role of wife and motherhood shell have more time for her friends?

Well...I would say what I tell my personal friends who come to me with problems in their other friendships... People do not set about to hurt you intentionally. They do so out of ignorance or self centeredness but rare is the individual who actually takes the time to plan out ways to be hurtful. The fact that she owes your mom money does make things awkward but this is precisely why there is a well known caution about lending money to friends or family.

Now the next thing I would say is she has a one month old. To make any decision about your friendship with her at this point would be unwise. She may not be responding to her emails simply because she is overwhelmed at the task of motherhood. Even if she is maintaining other friendships - the other friends may be more persistent so it makes it an effort to avoid them whereas with you she may not have to work so hard to avoid you (obviously you are already put off by her). As for the clubbing comment I would refer back to my original piece of advice. Most likely she was just talking about things they had been thinking about doing - not even intending to exclude you. She probably didn't even give a thought to how it sounded to you.

Perhaps you could pay her a visit, tell her that you want to be closer again, that you miss your friendship. It sounds as if that is really the point. Ask her if there is anything you can do for her right now since you know that early motherhood is so challenging. Know that truly great friendships go through cycles. I have friends to whom I have been lousy at recipricating friendship for a season (sometimes a very long season). Eventually the balance shifts. If you don't value her friendship enough to do the work for that season then I would say you don't need to "end" your friendship...just stop working it so hard. You can be friendly with someone and not have expectations of them.

Just have fun when you do see her and don't worry about it when you don't. I have friends for different reasons. Some I would never turn to for advise or support, who are so utterly self centered they don't ever think about how their actions effect me. They will cancel at the last minute a plan I have looked forward to for a long time...I have 4 kids and am going thru a divorce so getting out with a friend is a huge thing for me so to have them bail is extremely disapointing! I just don't take it personally - it's about them not me.

I hope you are able to find ways not to be bitter. Let her be who she is...especially as she adjusts to motherhood. If you end up close eventually, great, if not - just know that it is best for your husbands if you remain friendly.

S., I really have a problem with people who don't have enough balls to tell you there is a problem. Especially those who say they are friends. This person does not sound like she is a friend and you don't have to kiss her *##! because your husband is friends with her husband. When you interact, treat her like any stranger that you have to interact with for the occasion. Friends talk to you and straighten out misunderstandings. I think it has to do with the money. I bet she hasn't paid it back even though her circumstances may now be where she can but won't. A relationship with you would make her feel guilty and she should. This lady doesn't sound worth your time and it takes two to make a relationship work. R.

Hello It sounds like you are alot like me you are very sweet and should not be treated this way by a so called friend.I would be nice to her when you see her but that's it. People like her take advantage of people like us you don't need someone like that in your life they only end up hurting us. The best way to meet good people is to find a good church or a mommy and me class. Take care and god bless.T.

S.,

Give her time, something has gone wrong between you both but it is obvious that she is not ready to talk about it or maybe she just doesn't know how to go about it so instead she ignores it all together...Give it time,find other friends..... We all work differently, wired different if you know what I mean!

L.

S.,
I feel that friendships have their ups and downs just as any other relationship. Let it be boyfriend/grilfriend, husband/wife, mother/daughter, they all have ups and downs. Some smooth out eventually, and some die. I have found if you give them space sometimes they come around on their own.

You can all still be friends, just do your own thing around her when you are all together. Say hello and hang out with your husband. My family gets together every month for a holiday or birthday and sometimes we are not getting along. We just go to our separate corners and do our own thing. Sometimes that is the very thing that gets us talking again because everyone always want to participate in a conversation and you just end up talking again.

Bes of luck to you. Don't let it get you too upset.

C.

Hi S.,
I have to agree with Teri's comment. I have spent countless times trying to pour love and support into some friendships, only to see the same thing happen. You just wish them the best, and go your own way. Life changes sometimes end friendships, but I have seen even better friendships come along. The sooner you let go, the better. I have found that the more I hold on, the harder it is to get over the friendship and trust people in the future. However, when I asked God for true friends, He brought some of the most AMAZING friends I have ever had in my WHOLE LIFE! He can do that for you too. I'll be praying for the hurt and disappointment you feel.
R.

Maybe wait until she talk to you. Give her time & let her come to you. Or Email her again & asked her why shes been avoiding you. I still in my 20s & I learned that friends come & go no matter how long youve know someone. Watch, once you stop tring so hard, she'll call you. You still have to make small talk for your husband. It always works out at the end. You maybe even find out she someone you really dont want to be friends with.

As we grow, dynamics of relationships are supposed to change. We expand our horizons and meet new people. Do you honestly think that her friendship should be exclusive to you? Just because your husband and her husband are best friends, does not mean that you and your husbands best friends wife have to be best friends. I hope that your husband, and your husbands best friend have other friends also. Do you have any other friends?

The fact that she owes your mother money is between her and your mother. Your mother is the one that loaned it to her. Your mother should confront her for payment due. How did the money issue come about in your conversation? Did she bring it up in conversation, or did you?

My mother has tried to get me involved with payment due issues in the past. Sometimes she loans my older kids money who are 28 and 30. It is great that she wants to help them, but when she calls me to contact them for payment, I refuse. I am not the one that issued the loan, and refuse to get involved.

As far as the comment about clubing goes, she probably could have been more sensitive. It was probably not intentional. She may have even meant to include you in the statement. It was probably a general comment. It sounds like she is just an excited new mother waiting for her fist night out.

Did she and her husband invite you over or did you invite yourselves. There is a difference! I remember when I had my first son how tired I was. People kept on dropping in. I finally just started crying hysterically and told everybody to leave, best friends included. I wanted my baby to myself! I wasn't ready to share yet. I was so tired!

How can she get emails if she doesn't have a phone? You need a phone for internet access. Her email may be inactive.

I have had my feelings hurt in the same way at times, but I have to remember that my friends have a right to build relationships with other people too. They also have the right to go out and party with other people. I can't expect to be invited all the time. When they need me or I need them, we will be there for each other.

I have had friends smother me to death also. Being friends is not about talking or communicating every day, it is about being there for each other when it matters. I have 11 kids under 5 enrolled in my daycare and I homeschool my 11 year old daughter and my 14 year old son.

I talk to my very best friend about once a year. We have been friends since junior high. I am 51 now. Our husbands have never meet. We will be there for each other when it matters!

You need to let it go and meet new people. When she needs you, she will be in touch.

D.

Like the other responses today, I agree that friendships shift & change as does life. I'd say to keep the line of communication open & email every so often, let her know you're thinking about her. Maybe leave it up to her to suggest a get together. My husband has a very dear friend of over 20 years but his wife & I aren't friends. In fact, I really do not like her at all or understand why our friend married her & my husband feels the same way. So, even tho this couple have moved, the guys see each other every couple of months w/o us wives which is fne by me. This was the case before they moved. So, I'd say the husbands can continue their friendship w/o you 2 wives needing to be friends. I'm sure you're very disappointed & sad, especially since she was your maid of honor but hopefully, you have some other friends you can get closer to or make some new friends. Kids are a great way to help make new friends. Hope this helps. Good luck!

Hi S.,
First let me say I am sorry about your friendship, its never easy to have to question a friendship. If your friend is not respondig to you its time for you to just back away. Hang out with new friends and just give her some space. If you see her or your husbands get together, just be the same you! You dont have to keep in constant contact and work on your friendship, not when its causing you discomfort. The ending could be unpleasant if you try to make her be the way you would like. Remember, just because a friendship loses some spark dosent mean you can't put her on the list of friends you keep.

Good Luck and God Bless,
P.S.I lost my best friend of 7 years back 2 years ago to a new marrage ect. it still hurts! just back away and wait or you risk a major hurt!

this same type of thing happened to me. If the relationship isn't 50/50 anymore then just stop trying to call her and focus your much needed energy somewhere else. Me and my friend barely speak anymore and we used to be best friends. Things change and people go their separate ways. You need to just let the friendship dissolve. If you see her when she's with her husband i'm sure will still talk but don't make too much of it. It can be sad, but it's even harder on you when you are trying to keep the friendship alive. I tried to stay friends when my friend just wasn't trying at all, and now that i've excepted it i'm much happier, and have much better closer friends now.

First off, take a breath and chill. You said that she is assamed because she owes your mom money, that she just got married, just moved, and JUST had a baby a month ago. I know it's hard when you're trying very hard to keep a friendship going, just to feel like they're spitting in your face. I actually feel the same way with my "best friend", that was also MY maid of honor, but I've known her since I was 7. I have been friends with her for 23 years, and am now feeling like "WHY do I even call her my friend? I have no idea what's happening in her life right now! She never calls me back! Why do I try?" ~ So I do feel your pain. On the other hand, I also feel that if I am the one always trying to keep in touch with her, and sending warm wishes her way, then when the time is right, she friendship will either heal or disolve on good terms. It SUCKS that the very people that you have stand up at your wedding, can turn out to be such flakes. Give her some time to get adjusted and to come to terms with her debt. If it's meant to be it will come together; if not, sometimes the best love you can show someone is to let them go. Keep offering your well wishes and be kind, in the end you will be remembered as a good friend. ~J.

I wouldn't give up the friendship, but she does have a lot on her plate right now - - - just don't expect her to be a close friend - - - but try to keep it friendly so that you can enjoy her company when your husband's get together...

Have you tried just coming out and asking her what the problem is? It may be that you need to directly approach the problem and deal with it from there. It may be a miss communication or perception between the two of you and you will be able to solve it on the spot if not then you will be able to find out why she has changed? I have always found that approaching it head on in a kind matter seems to work the best and keeps unhealthy and untrue thoughts from clouding my judgment. Good luck to you! I hope it works out well for you no matter what approach you take.

Hi S.-
I know how you feel and I know it hurts.
I can offer 2 things as advise,
#1 She just had a baby a month ago, so, it COULD be part of the post pardon and doesnt realize that it is happening or how it is affecting you, so sitting her down in the near future may help the friendship.
#2 If this continues, friends should not be work. If you have to fight for a friendship, then she is not worth the time and energy. Yes all relationships take time and effort, but in the sense of keeping in touch and getting together, due to our busy lives, but not getting your feelings hurt, If you do want to talk to her and keep the friendship, give her a chance and see if she feels the same.
Good Luck!

I had a similar thing happen with one of my friends after my son was born. It could be hormones, the stress over owing money, who knows. You just won't know unless she tells you.
I would suggest that you let it (and her) go. If she wants to be friends with you, she'll eventually come around and call you again.
In the meantime, tolerate her when you have to, and otherwise don't give her another thought. If you feel that you really want to fix the friendship now, I suggest you find a time that you can talk to her privately, and ask her nicely what's going on. Maybe she doesn't realize what she's been doing, or is to embarrassed to bring it up.

My friend was jealous of my having a child, and that's why she was acting out. We still aren't very close, but at least we're on speaking terms.

Good luck!

Kat

Hi S.,

I didn't read the other responses so I don't know if anyone else suggested this or not, but my advice would be to talk to her. It sounds like she is being very distant and offish with you and you don't know why. So ask her. If you truly care about your friendship, and since you seem to be a very good friend yourself, talk to her. Communication is always key. I would sit her down and point blank tell her exactly how you feel and how her specific behaviors have been hurting you. If she responds like she doesn't care, then you have your answer. But if she's truly a friend then she will care how she's making you feel. I would give her the benefit of the doubt until you talk to her because, like you said, she's gone through a lot recently. I've had friends do very hurtful things that seemed obvious to me, but when I told them about it they had no idea because it wasn't intentional. So give her a chance and talk it out with her to see where she stands. Whatever happens, good luck!