I Need Help with My 11 Year Old Daughter

I would see a counselor. At least with a counselor he can be objective and be the heavy for you especially if you are not getting any help from her father. It will help you through this emotional time also.I have a few friends that are doing this with their kids and it has helped a great deal. (her marriage and the kids)

Do you ever talk about appropriate behavior/inappropriate behavior? Do you talk about how people perceive certain behaviors? How does she want people to see her? What character traits are important to her? HOW/What does she have to do to make them happen? Talk about inconsistencies when they come up. HOw does she handle someone ELSE exhibiting the same behavior?

Hi K.,
I really feel for your situation. I have 2 daughters (17/13) and they definitely have their moments. I can relate to the fun dad and mean mom routine. My daughters are totally daddy's girls all the way, so that sometimes makes me feel like the odd one out.

Have you spoken to other adults that your daughter interacts with on a regular basis (teacher, aunt, grandparent, etc) when you are not around?

Sometimes finding out if she is only this way with you or if it's with everyone can help you determine what the root of the problem may be.

It seems that children these days are more vocal and demonstrative than when we were their age.

Although my oldest daughter is not mouthy, she is very moody and doesn't seem to listen. Anytime her dad or I talk with her about something negative, you can see her eyes glaze over and you can tell she doesn't hear a word we're saying.

The past couple of months, I've been communicating the way most of the kids seem to these days. I use text and email.

I've come to realize that kids love to receive email...even from their parents. I try not to make the emails very long and easy for them to understand and try to give a reason for them to reply.

Whenever the girls do something wrong, I give them my perspective and try to encourage them to put themselves in my shoes and think about how they would feel if they were treated the way they treated me.

I also let them know that they can tell me (or email me) anything...I promise them that I won't get mad or yell at them. I really want to know how they're feeling so that I can be a better mother. I tell them that I can't fix something if I don't know what's really bothering them.

It didn't start out successful at first. I wouldn't get any responses at all.

Then I started emailing lots of positive things to them regularly. Sometimes just telling them I loved them and I'm so proud to have such wonderful children. I try to point out their strengths...just so they know that I notice.

We keep an open email dialogue going and it has helped tremendously. They seem more comfortable emailing me about their feelings and what's going on in their lives than talking to each other. Maybe things sink in better when they read...

I hope this helps. Please let me know if you have any questions or if you need more information. I would love to help in any way I can.

G.

Hi K..

I am 34, and I have 3 kids. My daughter is 11, and my sons are 8 and 5. My situation is a little different because my husband died 5 yrs ago, but as I read your post it felt eerily similar.

My suggestion is to get her help. My daughter has gotten increasingly worse as she gets older. We resumed therapy this school year. If nothing else, therapy holds them accoutable for their behavior. My daughter tries to make me feel guilty about it, but the common thread with the therapists is that my daughter is highly manipulative. Sometimes they are too smart for their own good (or our good)!

I have heard the same lines from my daughter. "You don't love me, You ruined my life by having my brothers, Nobody listens to me, You just don't understand anything, My life sucks, It sucks to be me." The list could go on and on.

I hate to discourage you, but things will get worse if an intervention is not made. Therapy does not make things better quickly, but as I said before, it holds them accountable. The biggest thing that has helped me is to just ignore my daughter when she starts screaming, and to stick to my guns on things. Don't give in!!! It is soooo hard, but it is so necessary. There are times where she screams for an hour, laying on the guilt, crying, etc.

My problem is that for years I felt sorry for her because her dad is not here, but I wasn't doing her any favors...or myself! They need the discipline. Unlike your situation, I was the fun parent, and my husband was the disciplinarian. This past 5 years has been quite a struggle for me because of that.

My daughter is really smart, and she asks a lot of questions. I would find myself explaining everything to her. We don't owe them an explanation on everything. It is so hard to remember that.

My daughter has a terrible time with the fact that I have a boyfriend. It boils down to a competition for my attention. She is always asking who I love more, and she tries to put me in situations where I have to choose. I have stopped discussing things with her that we have gone in circles with for some time. I just tell her, we've been through this, I'm not discussing it anymore, and I walk away.

It is really hard for me to be like that, but it has helped. When she screams or goes into one of her rages, I tell her to write it down in a letter because I'm not listening to her when she is like that. They need a mom, not another friend right now. They know we love them, just like we know they love us. They just need reassurance that no matter what, they are number one and you will never leave them.

Eleven is an awkward age anyway. They are turning into young women, yet they don't seem to fit into a certain category. They are too old to be with the little kids, but too young to hand with the teenagers. (My daughter has started her period also, and while I think hormones can play a role in things around that time, I do not think that is the sole reason for our daughters' behavior).

Good luck! I feel your pain. Stay strong, and stick to your guns!

L.

Welcome to the wonderful world of mother/daughter relationships. She will out grow this stage, the important thing is to continue to be firm with her and try to keep the upper the hand. She can spend a lot of time grounded. A lot of time without TV, video games, telephone calls and time with her friends if she wants to have temper tantrums and fits with you. Part of helping her mature is to be firm and make sure there are consequences for her actions which in this case is mostly her big mouth. Most teenage girls "Hate" their mother's. Tell her that's okay, you don't much like the way she is behaving right now either as she is being sent to her room where she can stay until she is ready to apologize and explain why she thought it was all right to talk to you that way.

I really like "1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for kids 2-12 ", by Thomas W. Phelan , Ph. D. This is a great book and it should help you and your daughter get on a better footing. Your local librabry should have a copy.

Hello K.. I feel so bad for your situation. I wonder how often she sees her dad and what he says about you to her!?!? Like it or not, the parent who is an actual parent is the one who gets the 'I hate yous'; with my 5yo I tell her God is smiling b.c that means I am being a good mommie. I would seek some counseling for her. I don't know if this was triggered with your new marriage, things dad says, her age, or a combination of all of the above. I personally wouldn't tolerate the behavior and set clear expectations and consequences. With my 12yo I take away his comp and with my 9yo I take away tv. I think you have to hit them where it hurts; and I don't do it for more than a day. I would check into a family therapist for her to see or a counselor at school. They should be able to figure out why she feels the way she does and what exactly her feelings are. Seems like she has some very strong feelings pent up inside and doesn't know how to express them appropriatly. God Bless

You said her dad was the "fun" parent, does this mean he was pretty good with her?? If so, does he respect you at all??
If you get along ok with him, maybe you could talk to him, and maybe he would help you out.

It also sounds like now you have two additional boys in the house, for a girl that age with periods, that is rough!!!!
Try your best to set aside special time with just her and you, and probably something "out from home" would be best.

You are not alone mine is 9 and does many of the same things almost identical acctually. Still waiting for our monthly friend. I think it is hard for them to be good all day and then at home too. I try to ignore her when she goes into a rage and send her to her room. If she cries for an hour so be it. I'm told this too will pass. Just try as much as possible to be consistent and stick to your guns rules are rules if they are broke their are consequences. Good luck I'm in the boat with you so you are not alone.

K., much of that sounds perfectly age appropriate for a hormonal girl. My nieces have both gone through that--one more than the other. My own 11 year old is like that occasionally as well. My friends and I laugh about the hormonal girls when we get together...their daughters are that way too. It's kind of a cycle. Things are cool, then it bubbles up and builds, and explodes.

With the "I hate you" and "you like the other one better"...I get that from both my daughter and my 9 year old son. All has to do with which one is ending up with the choice they preferred. Once again, sounds perfectly normal for kids.

I know it can be frustrating with having to do all the parenting while your ex is the "fun" one. You can't let it affect how you raise the kids..your goal is to make sure they grow up healthy and well-adjusted. They may not always appreciate what you're doing now, but they will when they get older. And don't let it make you insecure...your kids need one parent who is level-headed and not just about the fun stuff.

Hang in there!

I'd have her talk with the counselor at school and seek family counseling with her. Good luck:)

I would certainly find a counselor or therapist for her. It may not hurt to find one for your son and/or yourself. Just because your son isn't acting out doesn't mean that he isn't grieving the breakup of your family. Best of luck.

C.

Hi K.,

I am quickly going to throw here some suggestions.

Think of the times when she is happy and she listens and try to identify what was making her happy. Use this information for the future.

Try to identify when, what, and in what way did you ask her to do something and she actually listened and didn't argue. try to write these down. Try to use this information for the future.

When she starts yelling do not yell back, but try to respond with a calming voice so things do not escalate. This way she won't tune you out.I know this can be very hard for you.

Pick a time when she is calm and happy and try to talk to her about the split-up in order to see if she blames you for it. Try to explain to her your side of the story. you can both share how you feel about it.

Check what type of friends she has. Meet with their parents to see if she is hanging out with the wrong crowd.

Hope this helps.

R

okay one take a deep breath Mom this is a bit normal...

2.) get her to a councilor it will be good forher and Ithink this has more to do with the divorce then anything else. having someone who is NOT part of the family to talk to is really good for kids her age in this predicament.

You two may want to go together sometimes too so that she can hear your side told to the cousilor.

Keep telling her you love her especially when she says I hate you...respond with good, because that means I am doing my job well and I love you so much I want to make sure I do the right thing.

Hug her A lot even when you do not want to- she will appreciate this one day.

I hope you grounded her for her ft on her brothers birhtday .... selfish behavior like that is not okay EVER and if she knows that a quick, sever punishment will be handed out immediatly if she acts like that again... it will stop. Be tough but be loving about it and make sure Mom youare making her do things alone with you....go to dinner and a movie once a week...get pedicures together all these things are just going to help your relationship get stronger at a time wehn she wants to push you away.
Good luck!

You have my sympathy! My mom once told me that this is the age that kids start to "turn". And since she has her period, you are contending with those hormones as well as the changes all adolescents experience. Does she have PMS? Homeopathic medicines and herbs designed to treat this may help. I don't have a teenager, so I'm sure others who respond can give you firsthand advice on what has helped them. Kids this age are going through a toddler faze all over again, except that they are bigger!! Try the parenting consultants at the Elizabeth Blackwell Center in Columbus. Call ###-###-#### for the number. Good luck!!

K., you could have been writing about me!! I'll tell you what helps me. I am always hearing the whole "You're nicer to Brayden. You don't love me" sob story, when I KNOW she knows better. I think she just wants attention. So, I started saying "If you really feel that way, why don't you find a family that treats you like you think you need to be treated" Well, at first she looked at me like "Are you serious??", and even said "Do I really have to?" and I said "Well, if you think you're treated so unfairly, then I would say it's up to you" Also, I've already decided that if she keeps saying it, I'm going to tell her that I'll call social services and tell them that you're looking for a new family. Then, I plan on picking up the phone, calling my own number, hanging up, and when it rings back saying "Oh good, so you found Aryana a new family. How soon can she move in with them?" I know she'll start freaking out and stop the nonsense. So far I haven't had to take it this far because as soon as I say "Well, if I'm such a bad mother, maybe we should find you a new one, is that what you want?"....she says "No" and the behavior stops. I got this advice from my sister in law, who has two daughters and says her youngest used to say things all the time about her being mean and stuff. It was the only thing that worked for her, and believe me it does work!! Before I tried it, I would always say things like "Now, you know I love you, don't say that" But, all it did was feed my daughter because she was getting a reaction from me. Girls are SO much different from boys. They choose drama to get attention. There is NOTHING wrong with your daughter, don't let anyone think there is. Mine is the same as yours, can be as sweet as can be, but when she doesn't get her way LOOK OUT! All your daughter is doing is trying to push your buttons, so push hers right back to teach her that those words don't work. Also, if you find that her behavior continues to be disrespectful, go into her room one day while she's in school, and literally empty it until all she has is her bed and clothes. Tell her that it is YOUR house and until she learns to respect you, she has lost all privileges of her room. Every week that she is good, let her earn something (of your choice) back. If it takes a month before she learns to respect you, then let it take that long before she begins to have her things returned. One day I had told my daughter to pick up her room and after 3 times of telling her and having her not do it, I grabbed my box of garbage bags and took her in the room and together we bagged up EVERYTHING that was on the floor. It filled 3 garbage bags. She didn't get ANY of it back for about 2 weeks. BUT, boy did she listen better the next time I told her to pick up her room. I don't know what it is about girls, but their faster growth of maturity makes them think that they're in charge of their life starting at a very young age. We as parents just have to make sure that they remember who's the parent, and to do this, we sometimes have to strip them of their belongings and sometimes have to make threats right back to them (like what i mentioned earlier) to let them know that they are NOT going to talk to us that way. Don't worry, eventually you'll be able to enjoy a wonderful relationship with her, but for now, your job with her is to be her parent, not her friend. She'll respect you only if you demand through words and actions that she has to. Once that's established, you may find that you can be a friend to her without her taking advantage of it.

I would definitely get her a physical exam with a doctor to make sure everything is OK physically. Make sure she knows that she can come to you with any problems or worries she might have.
Other than that, when she spouts off, has a fit, does not mind, she should be sent to her room the rest of the day, no TV, radio, video games, dinner brought to her room, only out for bathroom. It may sound like harsh punishment, but she is strong minded when she wants her way and the only way to break it is to punish sufficiently. Make sure you tell her the rules ahead of time. AFter a couple of times, she will start getting the message.
You want her to start paying attention to you now, before she gets any older.

I have a 7 year old daughter and 2 step daughters...20 and 22...I love them as if they were my own...I guess the only thing I could tell you about your situation would be to stay firm...don't allow the back talk...the more you stay firm the more she will eventually realize how much you truly love her. My daughter is 7 years old, and believe me, she can be a little (a lot ) mouthy too, and I do not tolerate it...she has had just about everything taken away from her for sometimes up to a week...she even asks me some days if she has had a smart mouth...my advise is to stay tough...she knows how much you love her, but if you give in, she will end up possibly not respecting you or your beliefs. Hope I don't sound like a mean Mom, because I am not...I just know how hard it can be...I have gone out into our garage at times and screamed at the top of my lungs...(my neighbors probably think I am a freak...) hey...we do whatever we can for our kids...Good Luck and God Bless

get her help immediately it may not have a thing to do with her period this may have to do with the divorce and her inability to cope with the changes.i went and am still many years later dealing with these issues with my now grown children.K.