11 Yr Old. Oh the Drama.

I would suggest getting a book called Child Training Tips by Reb Bradley. It teaches you what a child should be taught as they grow up and how to teach them. Also two other excellent books are Sheparding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp and for when she gets to be a teenager Age of Opportunity by Paul Tripp. As far as entertaining her. I would help her to find some friends that you do want her around especially if you can find some that you also like the parents of. And I would spend time doing fun things with her and planning family activities for the summer even if its not too often still having and keeping plans with her gives her something to look forward to and builds fond memories.

Normal!!!! She won't listen, she will watch you as a role model. Just keep on building the rapport and doing fun things with her and you'll get through this. I often have meetings with my son, like over dinner, and we discuss life and activities and consequences and rewards. Agree upon them and sign contracts.....mostly enjoy her now, because the hard part is when "boys" come along. Make summer plans with her, Hollywood, Museums, beach, slumber parties, etc. Many public schools, at least in Long Beach have great free summer programs. Take care!!!!

C.~
Welcome to the tween years!! I have one too! This is only a stage. As far as the school work, maybe she's not motivated because she's bored. See if harder classes would get her going again. The attitudes will continue for awhile. This is part hormonal and part developmental. They want to be adults, but kids at the same time. Just stay on track with discipline and rules. Activities and sports are a good idea too. It's leverage for behavior problems and a good outlet her.
My daughter gets mouthy too. I always say "watch the tone". Last night she got mouthy with my husband and he put her in her place. She's been better because it came from dad and I think it scared her a bit. We also do things, just me and her. She loves it!! She tells me everything and won't stop talking, but I like the fact that she will open up to me. It's important to have those lines of communication open.
Just remember "This too shall pass!"
Good Luck!
~K.

You need to find a special bond between her and you. A talking one, she needs to learn to trust you, that she can call you when she's in trouble, and come to you when she is confused about right and wrong.

I am not suggesting you become her friend, she has one of those. But she needs to know that when this friend makes a stupid mistake and she's right in the middle of it, she can call you. I think when you tell someone they can't they do it behind your back. So talk to her about why she likes this friend. (What qualities she likes)(she's cool, she's pretty, she's bossy and stand up for her self, she's mischevious). Then tell her the changes you see in your daughter, and tell her the things you miss about her. You need to remind her of who she is, not what she want's to try to be. When the friend gets to that point of your daughter stepping over her own line, she'll remember the things she misses about herself. It may take a long time but all of use have a boundry, where this is enough. And you want her to come to you when this happens. Good Luck!
Try to remember being a teen. The more the parents said no she's not a good influense the more I wanted to be with her. When my mom gave up and started asking what it was I liked about her I realized she wasn't as cool as I had thought. Today her life is 3 kids all diffrent dads, and not married. I'm happily married and 3 wonderful kids together. Just let her know you'll be their. And you miss the old her. (I wouldn't plan this talk, unless you make it like you didn't plan it, you want to be enjoying yourselfs, Suddenly stop for ice cream, when she brings this friend or any friends up ask her what it is she like about them, and compliment this friend. Like (What is it about her you like, I love her hair, it's cut really cute. or she always dressed reall cute, or laughs funny... something). If you are complimenting her, it will easy the tension that you want to start a fight. Because you don't, if the conversation starts to get heated in any way drop it. It's a friendly conversation only. Best of Luck! J.

I don't have any advice as far as discipline is concerned, but in terms of summer programs, I would check out what your local library might offer. If your daughter enjoys writing (or if you think writing stories or poems might give her a good outlet for all of those emotions), I would look into the Young Writer's Camp. UCLA hosts a Young Writer's Camp every summer--it's for students entering grades 4-8, and the session is three weeks long. They offer it on campus as well as at a few satellite sites that might be close to you. It's a really nurturing environment, and students are both encouraged to explore their writing talents and to write more freely and creatively than they might get to in school. If you're interested, check out this link for more information: http://centerx.gseis.ucla.edu/WP/events.php Good luck!

Hi C. ,
tough age, them 11 yr olds, this is what I did .. so she ignores you huh, then ignore her back, OMG I can't tell you how much that drove my kids crazy, they would come ask for things, I ignored them, I would say this, if you want me to talk to you then I need the same respect as I give you , given back to me, and the next time I speak to you and I am ignored, I will not speak to you . Plus I will go in and start removing items from your room, and if you want them back then you have to do chores to earn them back. Walk away. do not argue, do not say another word. For the summer time, start making a chore list she can do every day, then pay her for it, if she wants to go someplace in the summer she needs to earn her own money to go. Any way you could take her to help do hair, she could sweep, or help wash hair, is there any kids she can babysit she is old enough to do so, you can also try the ymca they have stuff kids can do , join the parks summer programs, its a fee for it but its fun and they keep a good eye on the kids.

Good Luck

WOW, it is like you are living in my house, but I have been doing it for 3 yrs now. Boredom at my house equals housework or weed pulling, it seems there is always something to do. The talking you are just going to have to learn to tune out, it is just the way they are for now. Has she started her period, if so pamprin works great for that hormone stuff, also make sure she is taking in a lot of calcium, magnesium and zinc it really helps with PMS. The mouthy stuff is so hard, have you tried having her write sentences? How bout a time out in her room? A shower to cool off her attitude? The worse part is everyone says oh my child would never talk to me like that, but you know they do, they always talk like that to someone at sometime. My favorite trick is to ignore my daughter, I just simply tell her I will not listen to her with that attitude, and I walk away, it is hard, she follows me and tries so hard to engage me, I say to her one time when you can talk to me with respect we will discuss it until then, leave me alone, I do not speak with people who do not respect me. She still follows me around until she just gets sick of it and goes to her room and later we will talk about it. This is a hard age for girls, I wish I knew a magic bullet to make it better. Let me know how it goes.

First of all, a cell phone or an ipod shouldn't be given to an 11 year old.. She's ONLY 11years old! She's still a child! You are the parent, she is the child....period.

I don't know what your communication is like, but she needs to be sternly yet lovingly be shown the boundaries of your home. And being consistent on your end is crucial. You and your husband need to be a team on this. One of the best gifts you can give your daughters is by loving their daddy and sticking together as one unit.

Have you tried going out for walks? How about going to the park with a picnic lunch or riding bikes together? Our family cut out television altogether for many years and only watched movies we rented or bought. We played games together all the time, and to this day, it's one of our favorite things to do together. Having meals together is another important thing to do together as family, not eating in front of the television. Even if it's only dinnertime, yet breakfast and dinner is better. Making time for a weekend camping trip is great family time as well.

She is testing you and you need to remain calm and loving and retain the upper hand. Keep showing her the consequences of choosing to get into trouble, and make the discipline stronger and stronger if she chooses to continue. Kids long for boundaries, they just don't know it. It builds in them security and respect. Before you know it she's going to be 18 and out of the house.....treasure these moments you have with her. It's up to you and your husband to train her to be an independent, productive, caring and loving adult.

We should be friends! I think we are parenting the same person, lol...

I'm lucky because I have been so strict with my daughter her whole life that when the mouthy kicked it, I just took a tone and it disappeared, thank heaven. BUT, the not motivated at school, I have no luck with. She is smart as a whip, and gets decent grades, Bs and above, but she is NOT doing what she could, and she just doesnt' seem to care. I really think it is the age, and we have to just ride this wave with them...

However, I will suggest for the summer what I do with my daughter, which is Theatre!! She is usually in one or two shows over the course of the summer. They generally cost between $200-$500 depending on which company you do a show with... She will have rehearsals to go to, and will be responsible for remembering her lines and choregraphy. She will make friends, wacky wild fun friends who are theatre kids. She will do silly things with them like put on strange make up and pretend to be giraffes. It's a fun outlet for them, I think...

If she isn't into theatre, I would suggest taking out the community summer catalog and see what's being offered for her age group. In Torrance, they have a great community classes program, with lots to choose from. Hopefully your community will too!! She might enjoy a clay class, a swimming class, a painting class, a photography or music class. Really, anything that she would find interesting and could harness some of her "teenaged angst" for good would do, I think... The community classes here are not very expensive and they are definitely a fun way to try out something new!

With kids like ours who can get in trouble or get busy, I always choose get busy!! :D

Huggles!!
~S.~
(also a small craft business owner!!)

Wow! You could've been telling my story . . . it is so accurate! Here's what I'm doing and it seems to be helping: First off, she is volunteering at the school library reading stories to kids (service is a great rememdy for teenage selfishness); second, I make sure either I or my husband takes her on a "date" once a month or so (to keep communication open); we also have "family night" every Monday and take turns with all the kids on who is in charge of it; we eat dinner together everyday (even if it's just tortillas with melted cheese); and most importantly, all my kids know a code phrase, "Can we talk privately?" they know that I will immediately stop what I'm doing and go into my room to talk. That part is hard but so worth the benefits.

The only advise i can give you is to be patient 11 years old is just the start of it all. On the good side when she turns 18 you guys will be best friends. And trust me it is so worth the hard aches and head achs.
M.

Maybe you should try putting her in a class (dance, cheer etc...) through your city so she can do something else besides thinking of getting into trouble. You can probably put both of your daughters in it.
I to am a single mother of 2 (my children are now adults 19 & 24), but when they were younger I had them in some kind of class. My daughter in Folklorico dance and my son did music. So they and me were very busy and they didn't have time afterschool to get in trouble with their friends. This worked for me. Good Luck!

I'm no specialist, but I would have her I.Q. tested. Sounds like she is especially bright and might need to skip a grade or be with older kids to be more intellectually stimulated.

summer bootcamp sounds like a good idea and a perfect age before she gets too out of control...On the other side of it though spend some mommy and me time and have a mommy and me day once a week or once every two weeks or even once a month. thats a day where just the two of you spend together doing things.

Hi C.,
this is the drama age..this is only the beginning. I have a 14yr old boy. The only thing i can recommend is try an afterschool class like dance or gymnastics, something that she really likes then you have some leverage when she acts up you can put that class on the line. That's what i did with my son and it worked. You can also try a reward system like if she does really well all week, she and a friend can go to a movie or to the mall, ya know something along those lines.
Good luck

Hopefully it helps to know you're not alone. I feel sometimes like my 10 1/2 year old daughter is trying on attitudes just for fun, like they are a new outfit. I read some of the responses because my one thought was "special dates." I'd suggest maybe every other week -- one with mom, then one with dad. Have her choose what to do. Sounds like you've got the consequences part down but I didn't read anything about what she can earn. It's so hard, I know. Best of luck, G.

I feel your pain! As hard as it sounds, (and is), this is the age when we have to keep the lines of communication open. Ive found that a few moments can really help. what aboot taking her out for tea, ice cream, book store? Even if you're just sitting together quietly, a dialogue can start, and be built on.

I know you're busy, but it sounds like your daughter would benefit from therapy. That she's 11 and choosing inappropriate friends and having school issues is a big deal. It only get's worse before it get's better. If therapy is not an option, what about a clergy member?

Hang in there!

C.,

I found this great source for parents of pre-teens and teens. I suggest you check out her site and newsletter it is chock full of parenting ideas during this tumultous time. I raised four teens to adult and so far so good. I aggree with B.'s approach completely, i wish she had been available to me when i was in the mix. any how i hope it helps you.

BB
B. McRae, MCC, bestselling author, and parent/ teen expert. She has helped thousands of parents and kids worldwide and has been featured in various media outlets, including radio, TV, national magazines, and newspapers. B. is the founder of www.teenfrontier.com (a division of EnhancedLife Coaching, LLC).
www.enhancedlife.com

Therapy!!!

There's a kids group therapy at UCLA called The Friendship Group, it teaches children social skills and how to address thier anger in a healthy way. Just google "UCLA childrens Friendship group" and follow the link.
The program has experienced clinicians, LCSW, doctors and psychologist. I highly recommend this for kids with behavioral problems.Good luck!
M.

Hi C.,

Your daughter's behavior is totally normal for someone her age and intelligence. It's good that you're focusing on the positives about filling her time, rather than the negatives of punishment. Too much punishment will just cause rebellion and she gets into trouble because she's bored, not because she's a bad kid. Can you send her to camp? Especially something intellectually stimulating or, if she likes the outdoors, maybe one of those outdoor camps with horses(not the ones for delinquents!). Are there girl scouts in your area? They have great camps. She should be allowed to do things like this with a friend because, at her age, it's all about friends. Maybe you could "hire" her and a friend to work in your business. Or find some volunteer thing she and a friend could do, maybe at the assisted living facility or a zoo.

The mouthiness is a stage, and probably the most difficult one. It will pass, but in the meantime you can let her know it hurts your feelings. Sometimes that can be a wake-up. She's probably just that way with you, which is the way it should be. When she's mouthy, don't give in to her wants, just let her know you're willing to negotiate if she speaks appropriately. Good luck and keep telling yourself: "She will be a strong, intelligent, independent adult woman".

Wow..... it's almost like a stranger in your home isnt it.. with regards to discipline, it is very hard to say what to do because she is rebelling at anything your trying. if you take the priveledge of the computer away then you have to deal with the attitude MORE. if you punish her to the room, then she will go on a starvation diet just to fight you - and believe me.. kids will be stubborn enough to starve themselves no matter what if it means getting back at you - especially girls going through puberty. I have a 19 year old - she is STILL the moodiest thing EVER and its worse when she is on her monthly. Doesnt it make you wonder what YOU were REALLY like at that time - of course i was an Angel :) ...ya right according to my mom i was satan incarnate - however, i do not recall. Like others have suggested you have to find SOME way to connect to her and your first attempts (or many after - dont give up) will very likely be awkward and she may give you the silent treatment or the 'one word answer' treatment. thats ok, bite your lip and bear with it and DO NOT let her see that it bothers you AT ALL because after a while she will get bored with her game at trying to get your reaction to be a negative one. becuase really it IS a power trip for her. she is growing up and wants to be grown up and wants to be her own woman so she thinks she knows it all and wants to 'show you' she can do it all on her own (but will ask you for a ride to anywhere and money to do things). she doesnt want to be treated like a child and wants to acknowledged for her status as NOT being a child. her freinds are probably doing the same thing with their parents AND they give each other tips and tricks as what to do to get what they want. think about what it is that she really does like and try to connect to her on that level (even if YOU dont find it interesting. whatever it is). as far as what to do during the summer, you stated you work at a senior assisted home, have her go with you and help out some of the seniors. have a talk with some of them and ask them if they have little jobs that need to be done, errands...etc.. have your daughter help them out, like taking their trash out, checking their mail, going to buy small things for them from the neighborhood store.. reading to them, helping them put small items away or even teaching them how to surf the net (if they have a computer of course). she will probably complain at first. However, the experience she will gain will be tremendous. in many many cases seniors love to talk about the past and what they went through and have another view as to how to handle such a child and will talk to them like an adult if the child gets on their nerves. dont be surprised if your daughter tries to hide how much she ends up enjoying some of the people there. also, see about reading groups at the library or some community setting or even a private school that is in summer session where she be the 'big kid' helping out the little ones with anything.. reading... painting...etc. i think if you get her into a setting where she is the one others look up to for advice or help she will change her attitude a great deal.

Can you send her to accelerated classes? Find ways to challenge her beyond her peers? She needs to be stimulated and cannot be trusted to make these choices for herself.

I have dealt with the mouthiness by pointing out that I speak to the child with respect and ask that it be returned. This has always worked even if the child was not mine.

i tell you what, i am not looking forward to this age with my daughters. i was a nightmare for my parents and i have a feeling it will come back to bite me. i think what would have helped me at that age is to have become involved in some activity where i had to give to someone else and expect nothing in return. maybe she could volunteer with some organization that helps kids who don't have all the advantages she does. since she's so bright and seemingly bored with school, she could tutor other kids, or work with kids who have special needs. that way she'd be challenging herself mentally AND helping others...a sure-fire way for her to realize the world doesn't revolve around her and that she's got things pretty good after all. plus, it makes you feel really good to volunteer, which could help with the self-esteem problems that go along with the looming teen years. good luck to you, C..

I am a fifth grade teacher and have dealt with this a lot - but not as a parent. What I have found is that step 1 is taking away privelges as you have done. Now stage 2 is rewarding good behavior with CHOICES. So, whenever you see the behavior you want to continue allow her to feel both grown up and in charge (11 year olds are big on being in charge). Give her a choice of what's for dinner, or a choice of where to sit in the car, or what the fun activity will be for the whole family for the weekend... something that isn't all that out of the ordinary (we're not talking a money costing reward - its about allowing her to feel grown up).

I hope this helps!

A.

Enroll her in classes...something just for fun. Give her a break from having to do everything perfectly. Maybe art classes, dance classes, or performing arts classes. Nurture her interests...many times creative outlets can really re-direct children in positive ways. She'll also meet friends this way too. You seem creative yourself, in your business...perhaps give your girl her "own" interest....something special that is just hers to have fun with.

A talkative & bright girl...well mine is like that too, but she is only 5 years old. What I find helpful is really giving her my focused attention when she needs to talk.... sometimes just about nonsense, sometimes about concerns she has as a little girl.... but my girl really needs this, to feel bonding. And then I just let her talk... I don't judge her or correct her... but let her express herself. Then if I feel something needs to be "explained to her" I go about it in a non-threatening way and give her examples of what is "best" to do.

I will even tell her "do you want to talk story? Tell me about anything or about your day?" and boy does she love it. Then after that, I tell her "okay, Mommy has to do my work now... but I loved talking with you, I'm right here if you need me..." She really responds to this well, and it lessens her "sassiness." I find my girl gets sassy when she "thinks" I am not "hearing" her. Sometimes I even refrain from "correcting" her every annoyance... just so she does not feel that I am putting her under a microscope.

But yes, your girl got into trouble at school...so that is another issue. My girl is still young, so I have not encountered this yet with her. I don't know what kind of trouble your girl got into...but is there a counselor she can talk to? Perhaps that can help?

All the best,
~Susan

Have you thought about enrolling her in gymnastics os some sport, or even summer camp. Is her dad active in her life, VERY IMPOIRTANT, I know since my daughtet who is now 19 was a preteen she relly needed her dad in some ways more than me, and he was a;ways there for her, sometimes ourr church would have date nights for fathers & daughters and they would go, she was always busy from the time she was in 7th grade even to now, so she didn't have timev for all that other stuff, and she didn't get her first cell phone until 7th grade, she doesnt have an ipod or game boy either. J.

C., I would try a sports team like AYSO. I played for 8 years when I was your daughter's age and have kept some great friends from that time. you can go to www.ayso.org to get details and find a location in your area. My son is 4 and will begin playing this year. The age range is from 4 to 18 so I think your daughter should have a great time.

I was this girl... what is she interested in? Look for something advanced to get her into, something she is interested in. Take her to a different library and help her find a harder book, something to challenge her mentally. Maybe she could learn another language, or take a cooking class, or anything she is really interested in. I was bored in school and because I was bored I rested on my laurels and got by on very little effort. It may also help to get her into something active, not necessarily team sports, but something active. As far as her attitude goes, make sure that you always speak to her with respect, and make it clear that you expect the same. But if you're yelling or pulling attitude on her (or if you talk to other people that way) it's hard to tell her not to. Treat it like a toddler whining- if she's having an attitude, let her know she needs to be respectful, then ignore her until she does. And as far as the constant talking goes, here's what my mom did- she just pretended to listen and said "uhhum" every once in a while so I thought she was listening. Of course, talk back once in a while, especially if she is saying something important or with substance or talking about something she is interested in. And if she is talking at an inappropriate time (interupting someone else, during a show you really want to watch, etc) respectfully ask her to wait, or tell her to write it down so she remembers to tell you later. Don't tell her to shut up or ignore her (as long as she's talking respectfully). A teenager's (or pre-teen's) world is very small still, but it is expanding very fast and she is probably becoming aware of things that she needs to talk about (sharper kids tend to become concerned around this age with global issues like war, disease, etc), and if you make her feel like what she says doesn't have value you will only make her more resentful and frustrated (hence, more attitude). Look at the bright side, you obviously have a bright daughter- however, people tend to fantasize about the perfect genius kid and forget that smart kids have idiosycracies, too, like they tend to talk a lot, worry more (so some develop anxiety problems), get bored easily, and be a little anti-social (not always). They also tend to think they know everything- I never grew out of that (obviously).

As far as the trouble at school, etc, just continue to be involved and continue to let her know that her actions have consequences. Don't be tempted to rescue her, as many parents do (you know the type, "there's no way my kid did that!").

You said she's very smart. Have you asked the school to test her to see if she's gifted and if they have a gifted program? My daughter was so far advanced when she was in 2nd grade, and she tested as gifted in 3 areas but the school didn't have anything to support that so they gave her younger teachers who would have her do extra things. Twice she was invited to participate in Johns Hopkins outreach programs for smart kids but we didn't have that kind of money back then so she could participate in their summer programs. She eventually lost interest and we constantly have to remind her to work hard on her grades. But if you ask her to act in a school play she will give a great performance. She started taking guitar lessons several months ago and now her teacher is encouraging her to start teaching children this summer.

I was just remembering that a family we knew had several kids and the only son was having problem. It wasn't until his senior year did they have him tested and found out that he was at genius level and was bored to death in school. Once that was realized they encouraged him, put their support behind him and he is doing very well.

Oh the joy of the tween years. The good news is that you will survive and so will they if you don't strangle them first. My oldest when thru this and I really did not like her much. She was mean, said hurtfull things and really made me fill inaduquate sometimes as a mother. I had to just keep telling myself that is is a faze and she will out grow it. She will and then you enter into the PMS faze and if your lucky will be on the same cycle as you. Then you two can put on the punching gloves and go at it. LOL really, it makes you a bit more compassionate and gives you the ability to explain womanhood with her. In a strange way it brings you closer although during that time it fills like you need a time out. Keep a possitive outlook and so will she. It really is a blessing having daughters.

D.