Help with My 7 Year Old Daughter's Behavior

My son is 9 yrs. old. I always used time out. It has been very effective. He has to stand on the wall with his arms still and straight down at his sides with his nose against the wall. If he tries to play around or anything, I restart his time. He gets 3 warnings. If he is doing something that he shouldn't I say "warning 1" then 2, then "you owe me time on the wall". He hasn't had to be put on the wall for soooo long now. He's pretty well behaved for his age. Give it a shot. Let her know that this is unacceptable and you won't tolerate it any longer. Be consistent. Let me know how it goes. I hope this helps you. Shannon

to stop my 3& 5 year old girls from slamming doors I use the child proof door stopper that goes on top of the door so they caan't reach it or close it all the way. maybe that would work for you. A.

How is she doing in school? does she act out in school as well? How are her grades? I would suggest counseling. I had the same problem with my son and started counseling, then the counselor suggested he might have ADHD, so we did the psycho educational battery testing through the school and found out that he was indeed ADHD. That was 8 years ago and things have gotten better, well except the fact that now he is actually a teenager and boy oh boy what fun I am having!! My son is on medicine for his ADHD, but my first suggestion would be counseling to see why she's so angry. I've also heard that Karate is good for kids who have anger problems because it teaches them self discipline. Hang in there!!

Sometimes kids act out because they want attention. They figure that negative attention is just as good as positive attention. Perhaps you could set aside a special time just for your daughter where your son is not there. Also, the book Siblings without rivelry is very helpful. And another good one is Screamfree Parenting.

Kids only do what they're allowed to get away with. She's not too old for a good old fashioned spanking. It would not only be a good punishment for her, but also remind her who's in charge and that she's still a child. When my 6 year old daughter argues with me, which she tries to do A LOT, I just tell her "I love you to much to argue about it". I continuously say it until she gets so tired of hearing it, she stops. I also sometimes will say, like yesterday morning, "You know, I don't like to argue. So, if you want to argue about stuff, find someone else to do it with." I sit her down and also explain to her that she doesn't have to argue everything. It's just part of them being a kid I think. BUT, it doesn't mean that we have to put up with it. It's one thing to be inquisitive about things, but if they're arguing rules or regulations you have set, that's where you use the "I love you to much to argue with you" trick. As far as hitting and pinching her brother. He's 3 years younger, so I'd say you need to step in more. Spank her.

As far as switching her to a Catholic School....do you think that's going to magically help her to change? It's just going to be a different school she goes to everyday. Unless you stop allowing disrespectful behavior to go on at home, it's not going to be changed by changing schools. Have you ever tried physical punishment when she's acting out? Like, say, giving her a toothbrush and bucket and telling her to scrub down the bathroom floor? Physical punishment is awesome because it's immediate and NOT FUN for the kids. My friend's mom used to wake him up at 5 a.m. on a Saturday and make him go outside to chop wood for punishment.

I also have a 7 year old, and in talking with other moms this is what I have gathered. 1st...you are READY for the teen years, ha ha ha 2nd....this a phase and will go away, your daughter is now changing from "baby" to girl, it seems strange but it`s true. For many kids, this is the age they finally grwo into being a child and away from an infant. They start elementary school, done with preschool. So it is a change. 3rd...from experience, I have a 2 year old as well, they get annoyed of their siblings much like when they will teens. My advice is PATIENCE...lots of it, and try to squeeze alone time just for you, mommy, and her everyday. I pick her up alone and gives us about 10 to 15 minutes to talk about her day and what just happened in school. Also, try taking her to get her nails done or her hair at your hairdresser, make her feel more grown up. But also do little kids, like going to the movies or getting movies that she liked and watch them together. Getting your two kids to like a movie and watch them together gives them bonding time. Since I have 2 girls the High School Movies work wonders, but Alvin and the chipmunks as well. Above all, patience, and do not take many things away, she does not understand what is going on either.....it is much like being a teen without the bodily changes. Hope it helps.

I haven't read the other responses but wanted to let you know you are not alone. I have a very mouthy, bossy 7 yo girl and a 5 yo boy. She goes to Catholic school and is still attitude plus. I have taken away tv and computer. I let her know that I am boss. It is ok for her to be angry or upset but it is unacceptable to hit things or slam doors. She argues about everything and actually speaks over/for me. I refuse to get into arguments with her. What I am trying now is I have set up a timeout chair like I did when she was younger and make her sit there. So far, it has been the most effective form of discipline. If she starts an argument, I just point to the chair and she marches there.

Best of luck to you!

First let me tell you: don't be discouraged, it is not the end of the world, As an older parent, mother of five, children all grown, I see that you've tried what you thought would work, so now a different strategy has to come into play.
I know that you do, but try to show more love and attention, if possible, and ask more questions of your daughter regarding her behavior,"why are you soo angry?", etc.,and also see if there is a problem at school. If not, probably seeking professional counseling might be an option.Prayer works!!! Good Luck!!!!

I feel for you - my daughter just turned 7 and we have gone through some unpleasent phases also. If you stay consistent with your discipline this will just be a phase. If you waiver at all, it could turn into behavior. We found with our daughter that if we gave her an inch, she'd take a mile. If that means you have to take everything away from her and she has nothing to do but but sit and stare into space then she'll realize that it sucks. Be strong and have a ZERO tolerance policy. If you tell her not to talk back then don't let her utter a single word with attitude. Stop it right there. My daughter had a problem with arguing. When she started in I would firmly tell her that the subject is closed, then walk away. Don't give in to talking about it further. When she gets angry, as my daughter did, I would tell her she can scream in her room, but no slamming doors, or she would lose another privilige. (and she needs to realize that the Nintendo, tv, and computer are priviliges, not rights). If she's angry, tell her to scream into or hit a pillow in her room. I think it's important to let them feel their emotions, but express them in appropriate ways.
As far as school, I don't think it makes a difference. My husband went to Catholic school and was in the office once a month. I was public and a teacher's pet. Christian values come from home first. No need to pay all that money for something you can give her. Plus, she might resent you for it.
Finally, talk to her. Ask her if there's something she wants to talk about. At her age, she may not be able to articulate it fully, but she WILL understand that you care. Maybe she's ready for more responsibility, or a privilige that's geared toward her age (once her behavior is better) Is she in sports? It might give her a sense of industry, or a sense that she is accomplishing something that is all her own doing (important for kids of that age).
Sorry if this is too long. I hope some of it helps. Be strong and consistent. Good luck!

Oh no, Don't send her to another school, it won't make a diffrence. You'll still have the same problem. My middle child was and still acts like that at times. It was pretty bad when she was 7. She tried to be boss all the time. I would approach her with more of a calming matter, even though she has ticked me off by being mouthy, and I have to let her know that I'm the parent. Maybe your son does things for her to get irritated, ask her to let you know about what he's doing instead of her dealing with it on her own. That way she doesn't get into trouble. My oldest likes to nit pick with my middle child and my middle child yells, hits, screams, (used to slam doors, throw things) All that is an expression of irritation. Someone did something to her! And I would go ask both of them, what is going on, why are you doing this?! And my oldest says, "I did nothing!" ~Guilty right there right away. I was like that when I was little. But most of all my younger sister was like that..she never did anything wrong. I always got into trouble, due to the fact that I EXPRESSED myself! She was sneaky. If you assume she's just angry for no reason and get upset at her for EXPRESSING herself..than that would anger her even more. That's how I was and how my middle child is. I've noticed if I talked to them both and see what happens from there and deal with it, it'll change. And guess what...IT HAS!!!! No more slamming doors, more talk (we ask each other not to do certain things or say certain things) It don't always work, but instead of yelling (your daughter), asking them to stop (brother/whoever is annoying her at the time) should be a little more better, let her know that yelling or pinching, or hitting only gets her into trouble, but if she talks about it or gets a parent involved maybe things would happen a bit better for her. Its almost like if you and your husband got into a fight, how would anything get resolved if someone was throwing fits, or fists, or things around to get a point acrossed..no one and nothing does, that's why police are called and they have to split you up and TALK about the problem, than get both involved to TALK! Communication is the key to EVERYTHING in life. See, I was told by someone if you NOTICE the bad behavior than that's all your noticing. If you show that you notice the bad behavior than they know that that's the only way they can get you to notice them. Experience with certain issues at certain times, one day ignore the problem, see what happens, if it gets out of hand do what you normally would do. Or try to interfer with positive and eye level advice for your daughter. If she throws a book, take the book and explain, you lost the book forever. And mean it. But the thing there is that you are NOTICING the book being thrown. Let it be. Don't react. Don't rush in and chew her out or explain or take away. Just leave it. Than she will notice that YOU DIDN'T Notice her BAD BEHAVIOR! Than when you notice that its quiet and calm, go in and poliety ask her to clean up her mess and that you love her. Or help her clean it up, but still let her know that you love her. Don't mention the tantrum at all or the fight or what not. Just go about the NOTHING business and talk to her about her room, her likes dislikes and all that. That works for me anyhow. Good Luck!

M.,

Well, is sounds as if you have a little diva living in your home! I too have a daughter that is almost 8, and has recently become mouthy and disrespectful to me. I haven't had a problem with any physical outbreaks, she is the youngest plus she loves younger kids. So for that I am thankful.

I would really do a self-evaluation and see how much time you spend with the 4 yr. old vs. the 7 yr. old. It could be that she goes to school and knows little brother is home with you. She might be thinking that she is missing out on something therefore she could be angry, but not really know why.

I too have tried taking things away, to no avail. But I will tell you what my friend did ( i have been unable to do this yet). She took every single toy out of her sons room. Nothing left but bed and clothing. And he had to earn each item back as mom saw fit. So say the first day he had not outbursts, she would grab a toy and put it in his room. She has not had any problems with him since.

She needs to know that hurting her brother is absolutely unacceptable and I WOULD tell her the next time she hurts him she is losing EVERYTHING! That should be a wake up call. Of course she probably won't believe you, so you need to make sure you follow through.

My daughter has started with this "whatever" word! I want to scream! She is only 8 for crying out loud. I have had to really put my foot down and follow through to get anywhere with her. I actually heard her tell her friend on the phone that,"my mom always says she is going to punish me, but she never does"! That was my wake up call...

Good luck!

R.

Hi M.,

For help with your daughter's anger problem, you should read "The Heart of Anger" by Lou Priolo. Not sure where you are located, but the Kenton County library has it in their system.

Make a list of the consequenses, for every infraction.
If she hits her brother, stand in the corner---one minute for every year of age, every time she hits him. You have to be consistant. If she back talks---go to your room for 7 minutes.Every time.
Give her the instruction and don't say any thing back to her if she wants to argue---just walk away. You are in charge.
Don't make eye contact with her and don't respond. When her time is up tell her , her actions are un- acceptable and she will be given a consquence every time she breaks a rule.
Tell her how much you love her and how much it hurts you to have to punish her. Do it every time. Good Luck

My question to you would be "what is your reaction to her behavior?". If your response to her behavior is to ask her why she's doing it that's all well and good but if you don't let her know in no uncertain terms that her behavior is unacceptable and absolutely will not be tolerated. If that means she has to have all of her favorite things removed from her room.....so be it. When you speak to her get down to her level and look her directly in the eye. You have to be consistant in your actions with her because remember she will be 12 one day and if you ar at a loss now and don't handle her she will certainly be very difficult to handle further down the road. Never fail to tell her how beautiful and smart she is and that you love her but don't put up with her unacceptable behavior. Remember that she goes to public school and comes into contact with other little girls with same kind of behavior.......talk to her teacher at school....she (or he) can most likely help you figure out if it's the environment ie: a friend who acts the same way. Good Luck!!!!

Jacki.......55 yr old grandmother

I don't have a great answer for you, but I sympathize with you. I have an 8 yr. old girl who is the same way. I have several friends with girls the same age and they have the same problem. I don't know if it is the age, the school friends, but it seems very common. I try to take her aside and calmly (not easy in the heat of the moment)talk about why the behavior is not appropriate and why it hurts the family, her brother and ultimately herself. It sometimes works when she sees that she is hurting others and making us all miserable. I'm already looking into boarding school for the teenage years!! (kidding) :) Good luck!

Could be wrong all kids are different but my oldest who will be 9 now in september went through this at age 7, i couldn't even tell him goodbye in public let alone hug him, and that went for his baby sister who was 3 at the time a well and it broke her heart, he threw such a tantrum at his 7 birthday because he wanted to go find a friend of his and someone else beat him to it that he didn't even get to eat his own cake or open gifts, he's lucky the kids didn't take them back when they left, he was that nasty. BUT like i said he'll be 9 in a few more months and 8 was very different than 7, he's my baby again and loves on me and is very affectinate and confident and helpful, he's mouthy at times and still very bossy with his siblings but most of it he seemed to outgrow practically over night, so maybe it's just a phase and there is hope for your daughter yet. good luck and hopefully you get as lucky as i did.

Is it possible she is being bullied at school? That would explain her behavior at home. She feels powerless at school, but exerts her power at home. She could be "reflecting" what is happening to her by her peers...letting out her aggression on those she feels the most comfortable around. A 'pecking order' of sorts. I would talk to her teacher, or anybody else from her school who can give you answers. (Like a recess monitor, or lunch aide,etc.) I wouldn't rule out bullying. It creates a huge difference in a childs behavior/self esteem. Good luck!

I can really relate to your situation. I have a 6 yr. old daughter who is the same way. I am at a loss as to what to do with her, as I have tried everything. We have an appointment with a psychologist later this month, and I hope that will help. If you come up with any solutions that work I would love to hear them.

Looks like you have alot of sound advice! Maybe these ideas will work too. Try to back off and try being consistent. Get definite punishment steps that you will take. If you do 'x' then 'x' will happen. Plus maybe she is just getting too many negatives, not enough priases, and maybe she is jealous of her brother? Does she get time with just Mommy? Or time with just Daddy? My son acts out horribly if he does not get enough time with just me. He argues, gets very physical and cries alot! Once he gets a good does of Momma time he is back to normal!
We use penny jars for good beavior / bad behavior. We have one large jar and two small, one for good pennies and one for bad pennies. If they do something bad depending on the severity they get a penny (or two , 3 for lying) they get one in their sad jar. If they do a good deed (for example my daughter (age 5 yrs) not only took the sheets of her bed , but offered and did take the sheets of her brothers bed) they get pennies in their happy jar. Each night we count them. Ten pennines in sad take away ten pennies in their happy - so they see that bad things are remembered more than good ones. If they get ten penies in their happy they can get a small prize. We use books, I get them at Goodwill, garge sales, etc. Of course there are larger prizes: 20 will get a bigger prize: a better book, a Littlest Pet shop figure, and 30 pennies gets a trip to a movie or dinner. Also if they can recall what the did that was bad and what they did that was good they can move that sad jar penny to the happy jar.
Lastly, I (we) do not permit arguing or explaining. You did something bad, you know it is wrong, here are the consequences - no excuses and no exceptions.
Hope this helps! Good luck!

M.,

First of all hard love. I hate to say it alot of people dont agree. I had a friend that had a boy that did the same thing. They went military on him (doing without). He slammed his door; while at school she took the door of the hinges no more privacy. He refused to pick up after himself; tada they took the dresser out and put clothes in a cardboard box. It went to worse before better, there was the bed, took the bed frame out put the bed on the floor, then missing sheets and then down to a blanket and pillow. Took all the comforts he took for granted. Then his attitude changed and he earned one screw at a time for the door and one drawer at a time as the bed parts for being good not daily but weekly. She has no problems now. You have to find the source. Do you spend mom time with her? You need a reward system and keep to it. Take her out for a coke or ice cream without anyone else and talk, she may do the listening that is okay. Then tell her if you are nice to me I will be nice to you. You clean up your attitude we will have dates to do a craft together at Michaels, or a pottery place, or $1 moie with the works. But make that once or twice a month. If you do every week she will take advantage. She needs to know you have to be respectfull all the time not when you know you get a reward. Also, have her get involved with helping other youths at church? Have her help with Sunday school or community work with your church. As far as the school definitly need to schedule a parent and teacher meeting to find out the clicks in the class room and who the bad influence is this could be your problem. If you do go with private school that is good it will introduce more morals to her life and religion study if you are not opposed to that. My kids have always been involved with church. They go to a township school but we are very active in our church and studies. So this may be very hard for her at first. My 9 year old has a "me attitude" and we fought alot. I finally got on medicine for depression because that was affecting my relationship with her, (I did not want to spend time with her we were both building a wall). The meds worked and I feel so much better I also try to find what makes her tick and make that me and her time only. Good luck I hope this helps. Im not so much on getting a psychologist sometimes that works but Im not a fan on that. I pray alot and seek advice from my best friends. Just remember you are the parent not the friend you can be the friend later. As for the computer is it in a local area of the house where you can see it all the time? If not make it so. That is how ours is set up. Okay to have computer in her room no internet. Internet is set up in one room in the house for us and you have a time limit one hour that is all.

Don't argue back! I'm an arguer, I have been all my life. My husband has started to leave me alone if I start being argumentative. After a bit, the need to be correct fades away. I'm not sure why I'm like that! Maybe that tactic would work with your dd. Also, perhaps she feels totally misunderstood for whatever reason. I get really angry when I'm frustrated or feel that people aren't listening to me. Perhaps your daughter is experiencing the same thing? How long do you take her toys/privilages away for? If you autmatically give them back after a pre-determined amount of time, she's not learning anything. Make her earn back her privilages. As far as switching schools, was she in a private school before? Have you spoked to her teacher? That would give you a better indication of what's going on at school. I really hope you get it figured out. Kids that are acting bratty (for lack of a better term)are no fun!!!!! (My dd is only 1 and she's already got an attitude the size of Texas!)

I have a five year old that has some of the same issues.

As far as the door slamming, I'll refer you to what my husband did at our house. He told her that the next time she slammed the door, he was going to take it away. She slammed, he removed the door. Kept it off for 3-4 days, too. We really haven't had too many more door-slamming incidents after that.

Additionally, do you ever spend one-on-one time with your daughter? Say, a set period of time once every week or two where it's just the two of you - no brothers? It may be attention that she is craving and just doesn't have the ability to express it yet.

I also have a 7 year old son who is 8 this summer and he has an awful attitude to me and his dad. He is always doing things he knows he is not allowed to do or things he knows are wrong. He refuses to answer us when we ask him why he is doing it. He lies to us - we have sat him down and talked about his behaviour and why he is doing this but he will just say 'I don't know'! It s very frustrating because he knows he is being disrespectful and naughty but just carries on. He is a very young 7 year old and not very mature but I thought he would learn from his mstakes but he just seems to carry on. We have taken TV and treats away but it just doesn't work.

We take him to swimming practice 3 times a week which he loves, we felt an outside school activity that he enjoys would help his behaviour. We have now decided to give him more 'us time' because I feel that he needs some mum and dad time, he has 2 younger brothers and although he never is nasty to them we think he may be jealous of our time involved in the younger children.

As parents our life is very busy, juggling work, housework and family committments but all we want is our children to be happy but respectful and well behaved children. We don't really know what else to do!

I am just a HUGE fan of natural consequences. I wouldn't necessarily give her stuff back, but I would make her earn the right to play with one of them each day for a certain ammount of time by treating you and her family with respect. As to the other: if the door gets slammed, her bedroom door comes off the hinges, if she hurts her brother she leaves the room and doesn't return for the evening - I would make sure I planned something fun for that evening like game night, if she argues with you the conversation is over and not only is this answer an automatic "no" but so are the rest for the day, if she throws her stuff it goes in the "trash", if she throws the remote then no tv, if she throws a couch cushion she can't sit on the furniture and so on and so on. After awhile of nothing to do, no one to play with, nowhere to sit, and nowhere to go she will start figuring out ways to fix it. Then I would let her earn it back with good behavior a piece at a time. It also teaches the idea of repair work. Sometimes you have to try to undo the damage you caused because I'm sorry isn't enough.

It might be good to roleplay with her on what are appropriate responses to anger and frustration. While teaching her what she can't do, it's important to teach her what she can do.

I promise this too shall pass.

Boy, do I know what you are going through. My daughter turned 8 in December. She went through the exact same thing last year. She was just plain mean. To everybody. Slam doors, stomp her foot, scream at the top of her lungs, argue... the list goes on. I don't know that we did anything different, it just seemed like time was the cure. She will still do some of these things but nothing like she was. My husband worked 2pm-2am Mon-Thurs so he wasn't here to help deal with her. She would wake up mean and nasty. There were a couple of times that I would call him at work and make him just talk to her because she was so out of control. I don't have any suggestions other than to try to stay calm when she acts like this. It was really a struggle for me to stay calm at times. I feel for you because I know how tough it is. I will keep you in my prayers. Hang in there. Jen P.S. If you ever need someone to talk to just email me. My husband and I will be married 15 years this September. I'm a SAHM too. :)

Hi ,
I know some people are against it, but every child is different and maybe she needs a spanking. It might just shock her into listening to you. I have three kids 13,9,3 and they all are disciplined differently to what works best for them.
My husband and I have decided that todays society wants such an instant gratification and that goes for kids including ours. We are cutting back on everything! My oldest son has a ps2, zune, and gets on the computer. My 9 yr old daughter has webkinz and mp3, and computer. I don't remember having anything of the sort when I was a kid and I had to play outside all of the time and fill my time with other things besides all these gadgets. We've decided that they can play with these things for 1 hour a day, then they have to do other things like play outside (even when it's cold) or read or paint or learn to sew or make jewlery. I know this is a hard thing to deal with I had the same problem with my 9 yr old. She did snap out of it and shes great now. Sometimes tough love works, Good luck

Do you ever discuss the difference between behavior that is appropriate and behavior that is inappropriate? That should be done as early as they understand the word, "NO". In addition, discussion of the CONSEQUENCES of inappropriate behavior need to be discussed. If you hear about it, see it out in public, at home, etc....DISCUSS. NOT GOSSIP, but discuss. If it's inappropriate.....what could/should have been done differently?

Sounds like you also need to have some talk about RESPECT and respect for authority and why that is important. If she doesn't learn what that means with regard to self respect AND respect for other, ESPECIALLY respect for parents.....she's in for ALOT of rough road ahead.

On top of that...kids and other adults won't want to be around her. Does she think it's "grown up"? Does she think she's better than everyone else and needs the final word or say??? Need to get at the bottom of why it's happening and discuss what's appropriate.

In addition, you need to make SURE and reward appropriate behavior and ACKNOWLEDGE the good behavior of others as well has hers. Remind her it's more important to be noticed for doing something good rather than getting noticed because you've decided to be the drama queen. Discuss what kind of environment you want for your family, etc. and SHE needs to understand she has to be a part of creating that!

If kicking, hitting, etc are involved......ASK WHERE IT'S COMING FROM & WHY SHE SEES THAT AS APPROPRIATE?? We say, "We don't do that in this house" or "That's not allowed in this house," and explain why and how else the situation might be handled. Kids need to know that having their way and poor behavior are NOT the only options!

I always seek the advice of Dr. Ray Guarendi. He has several great discipline books that have been helpful to me. Mainly to stay consistent in your discipline when she displays this behavior. Clear consequences for actions and doing it every time should help but remember discipline is something you have to do all the time not just once and expect the problem to go away. Don't get caught in the middle of an argument with her. She is 7 you can't argue with a 7 year old she will never decide that what you say makes sense and say "yea, thaks mom you are right I won't do that anymore". Tell her what she is doing wrong the consequence and that is it. She will keep arguing you have to just hold firm to what you said and follow through. It is a tiring job being a parent. My opinion on the school situation, it doesn't matter where she attends school. Kids are kids no matter where she goes. Don't think that just because kids are at a catholic school they are disciplined any better at home than public school kids and that is what matters. I have experienced both school settings and there has not been much difference. But I would definitly get online and check out Dr. Ray's website he has great suggestions and it really has helped me to be a stronger parent.

Oh, my god I am going through the same thing! My son is 7 1/2 and turns eight in june. And I know its frustrating! I also have an daughter turning 6 in july and a 9 month old baby. some one told me they were going threw this too at my daughters ballet class and she said, that she uses poker chips for an award and each chip equals money! like, 25 cents or 50 cents. then by the end of the week they can either have there money for something or buy something then. and if, they do something bad she said she takes three chips away. oh, also she said, on the weekends if her and her husband go out she will tell her son she will give him three extra chips if he behaves! I told her it was a great idea and I'm trying it out this weekend! I hope this helps and makes sense? I really do not think it matters where they go to school its all the same! Trust me. H. H.

A couple ideas-Jealousy-Maybe she thinks she needs more attention with a parent alone without her brother, or some ADD children behave like this and have no idea what's causing it. She's a little young for hormones kicking in but stranger things have occured. Get some info on ADD and see if she has any other symptoms. Talk with your pediatrician/family doctor to see if they have any suggestions. I had a grandaughter who also behaved in a similar way. It was not behavior problems but diagnosed with ADD. She couldn't help herself and knew something was wrong but didn't know how to stop.=Good Luck

sounds like she's trying to find some autonomy, some self-definition and intependance. i would try giving her some responsibility, stressing that she's earned it as she's such a big girl now. don't be afraid to throw in a bit of privacy as well. kids can show some amazing improvement if they think that they're respected and that what they say and think matters. perhaps she could start earning a small allowance or help with her younger brother?

discipline isn't always about taking things away. it could help to positively reiinforce the GOOD qualities she shows and start to ignore the bad ones (which is particularly helpful if she's just doing it for attention).

best of luck!

M.,
I know this may sound a bit "old school" but I would take a cue from "The Christmas Story" and give her the bar of soap treatment. Everytime she smarts off or is disrespectful then I would stick a bar of soap in her mouth. A friend of mine went through a similar situation with her son and after a couple of tastes of the soap he straightened up. I may have people turning me into CPS for this but if she pinched her brother I would pinch her back and ask her how she liked it.
She may also be upset because brother gets mom all day and she doesn't. I would set aside a time when she gets home from school, have a snack together and then just spend some time talking to her while your son does something quiet in another room, if possible. I have an 8 yo daughter and sometimes she just needs "Mommy Time" whether it's going to get our nails done or just curling up and reading a book.
She has to earn these things though. She can not act like a total brat and have that cue "Mommy Time". Talk to her and tell her that you are not going to tolerate her inappropriate behavior and there will be consequences. And then ask her if something is bothering her. If she won't tell you right away ask her to keep a jounal of her thoughts and feeling and then maybe she will share them with you in time. School can be very stressful on kids at times and maybe there is a problem with kids at school but I don't believe putting her in Catholic school is the answer.
I hope this helps. Be strong and good luck!

I am a Grandma, and All I can think is... What would your mother or grandmother have done to you?? Sorry, that is all I have. Just seems to me, most kids don't try to think what did work ON them. Always trying to find a new way, isn't always the way it works.

I have 3 kids 10, 9, & almost 7. The advice we received from a doctor was first come up with a list of the "house rules". Also, have the consequences and positive outcomes. Often kids know rules at school but get hazy on them at home. Post the house rules in an open area, the area most likely she gets in trouble. Then you can only give her warnings before she acts out. Once she acts out she is sent to her room (no toys allowed) for the rest of the day. Each day remind her she gets to start over fresh. Then when she acts up send her to her room immediately, no arguing-no explaining-no second chances. Once she realizes you will be consistent, her behavior should get better.

I know when my oldest was about that age, we sent her to her room. She was awful! she even threaten to climb out the second floor window. Sending my husband down to the store for a window lock. We even gave her food in her room verses coming to the kitchen, we knew we would have a battle getting her back up there. This started around 10am and she spent the whole day. Some of it with me or my husband sitting at the door so she wouldn't excape. While she still continued to acted up occasionally, her behavior greatly improved. Even the act of getting her to her room and staying improved after that one day of her knowing we meant business.

I can feel your pain! I have a 8 1/2 stong-willed daughter who has given me my first gray hair. Has there been any major changes in your life in the past year? We just moved to a new state and my daughter hasn't been able to have many friendships due to her short temper, poor communication skills. She has a 6-year old brother who she constantly picks on b/c we think she's being picked on at school. We had a bully incident in her class earlier this year. SHe also has 2- year old brother who she adores one minute and is annoyed with completely the next. We are currently working with her school counselor whom she talks with once or twice a week. You may find this helpful. Wehave alot of discipline issues here as well. My MOPS mothers group mentor mom and former teacher recommended this good book, 1, 2,3 Magic by Ph.D Thomas W. WHelan. THen there's another by Dobson, THe Strong-willed CHild. My daughter's school counselor recomended that she take up a sport/class that involves teamwork and coorperation-two valuable lessons every child shoud have. And last but not least, my husband and I came to a conclusion that with 2 siblings at home she had a strong need for attention. So we set aside a day every so often for each child to spend one-on -o0ne time doing something they enjoy, could be simply going to a park and get ice cream, movie or dinner. My husband joined the YMCA's Indian Princess father-daughter program. Its a national program that encourage fathers to spend more time with their daughters and at the same time teaches them valuable character lessons in responsibility, caring, undersanding, etc. CHeck the YMCA website if its in your areas. Best of LUck and hang in there, you're not alone.

go here and read the articles, this is a "ministry" for families.

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E.

HI M.,
First off, are you and your hubby both on the same page as far as discipline goes? Do you have a written list of rules for both children, and a way to see the consequences of good/bad behavior? (Like on Nanny 911...) The nannies use short simple rules like No Hitting, Speak with respect, etc. with clear consequences for breaking the rules. They also watch for times when the children are co-operative and thank and praise them. I'd also get your daughter away from the family for some one-on-one time, even if its just going to the grocery store with you. I recommend the Positive Discipline series of books. Positive Discipline for Teens is really good, and it may have some good pointers for you. Of course, you'll want to set a good example of respect, open communication, and self-control for your kids as well. Hope this helps, A..

M.,

You may have answered part of your own question. When children are asked "why" it is that they did something that they know is wrong, they develop the idea that there is some circumstance upon which it would be OK for them to use violence (or some other unacceptable behavior). It does not matter "why" for purposes of dicipline, and it is not going to change if you send her to a new school unless you quit alowing her to rule the roost and argue at will. No one can argue alone, just stop. Grown ups don't have to respond to children with arguments and negotiations if they don't want to.

I am more concerned by the other things you said, and I would suggest that you seek out counseling and a developmental evaluation for her, because it is not typical for a child to "accutally hurt" someone repeatedly, nor is it typical for a child who has had everything that matters to them taken away to not turn things around so that they can get those things back. Anger that lasts for long periods without an imeadiate cause is a red flag that you should not ignore, especially since this child does not appear to be devloping appropriate skills to cope with her feelings. She sounds misserable, and there is help out there for children in this kind of downward spiral.

Developmental pediatricans, psychiatrists, and neuropsycologists are good choices, but a good counselor can make a referal to the appropriate professional for you.

M.

It sounds like you have a lot of good suggestions here to try first. However, if you try everything you can think of and nothing works, don't be afraid to seek professional guidance. I am going through it right now with my 10 year old. She has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and has a lot of the same behaviors. (I'm not saying that is what is going on with your child!) But if this behavior has been going on for a long time and nothing seems to make it better, seeking the help of a qualified professional may be the answer. However, make sure you try everything you can on your own first.

Secondly, don't be afraid to listen to your woman's intuition. If you think something is wrong beyond the normal behavioral issues every kid goes through, you're probably right. My husband kept telling me my daughter's behavior was just a phase or that it was probably normal. I listened to him for a long time even though I thought she needed help. I wish I had taken her sooner and got the help she needed. Don't wait too long!

Look into Oppositional defiance disorder (ODD). My son has been like you describe since he was 6, and we are just finding out now that there is help available--and he's now 10 and a half! You DON'T want to live through what I've been going through for the last 4 years. I'm not saying she has that, but we'd never heard of it, and my pediatrician is sending us to a specialist who we hope can help us get our lives back.

Hi M.:
I'm sorry for what's happening with your daughter, but the truth is that I was there too with my daughter when she was 7 and that's kind of hard,because seems that you get to a no end corner. She started changing and geting attitudes that she never had before, so I started like you did, taking away all the preveliges and I even take away everything from her room, I just let her bed with regular sheets nothing fancy or her favorite,and her dresser without any of her accesories or room decoration. She made a whole drama and I let her scream, once she was done I took a deep breath and in a very calm tone I sat with her on her bed and I explain to her that everything that she has is because I want to give it to her because she is my daughter and I love her but, those are privileges that she has to win with her good behavior at home and at school and as she is improving I'll be returning things back and let her have her friends back home or she going again to her friend's home, and so on. You have to make her understand that you love her deeply, but in the other hand you are responsable for her and you want her to be a happy and succesful woman in the future. Just remember that you have to be in calm assertive attitude to have this talk with her because if she sees that her behavior upsets you she will try it harder. Set the rules very clear from now on and let her know the consecuence for each unnaceptable behavior too and the most important thing is that what you say that the consecunce will be, DO IT, other wise you will loose credibility with her. After that just hug her and tell her how much you love her, I think that no matter what our children do they need to feel that our love is unconditional. Another thing that I will do is find out if there is something that is bothering her at sachool.at home or with her friends,sometimes children express fear with bad behavior. I hope that you can find a solution soon to this problem, and remember that each child is different and maybe she is just crying out for attention.Try to have a mother and daughter day, just a couple of hours were are just you and her, going to the movies or shopping, even you can talk to her about how cute Corbin Bleu or Zack Effron are and she will be very surprised that you know that, read some youth magazines and try to have a conversation with her like if you were her best friend and she will see the difference of all the things that she can get when she behaves as expected.Try to find out what her intrests are and encourage her to do it and share with her some of that time.

Good Luck!!

The best punishment, is separation from family and friends. Make her stay in her room at least 3 hours, the rest of the day works even better. She can have books and toys, but no electronics or electronic toys. The punishment has to "deter" the crime, not fit the crime. This is guaranteed to work- 3 times should show her you mean business. I have 3 children and it works, believe me!

Have you try to spend some one on one time with. Maybe the two of you can get into something that is only for you two. I know that my yougest did the same thing and I started taking her shopping with me. That is when she open up and talk to me about things that is important to her.

Hi! I have a similar issue with my six-year old son. It is so frustrating when they talk back or just argue about everything and anything they can. I have found that it gets better when I don't argue with him. He is very independently thinking and likes to discover things on his own so I let him do so. Or, when he talks to me about something I make sure I pay attention and have a conversation with him because at other times he's just not ready to listen. The one issue I can't scoot around is how rough he gets with his little sister...he gets a lot of negative attention because of this and no matter what I take away it never seems to correct his behaviour. Perhaps this is just something they go through at a certain age and hopefully it improves? I know, as well, that his "bad" behaviour comes about when he's bored so I do my very best to have things available for him to do such as activity books and I give him a lot of responsibility around the house. He helps me cook, clean up, scan the groceries, etc. Anyway, you're not alone! S.

A lot of the responces have focused on different concequenses to help with the behavior. My daughter behaved very similar to this (she is 7 1/2 right now) and trying to put her in time-out was sheer hell. It was a battle of physically holding her down to get her to stay there...no one was learning anything from that. I would ask her why she was so angry and she would say that she didn't know, she just felt mad.

I read about red-40 and yellow-6 (food dies) causing allergies in children which caused them to be very angry. After reading about it (I just searched on the Internet) I tried to cut out all of the dies (it's hard, it's in everything...even refrigerator rolls!) and I started to swich over to organic dairy food and veggies as much as possible and I cannot believe the difference in her behavior! I'm not saying that she's perfect, but I have not had any of the battles that I used to have with her. I don't know if your child is allergic to it, but it can't hurt to try to cut the food dies out for 2-3 weeks and see if there is a difference.
Good luck and let us know what happens.
K.

I am going through the very same exact thing with my seven yr old girl. She has two boy siblings at home and is always blaming and annoying them. The oldest that she used to get along with the best is now the most [annoying] to her. She is super picky all of a sudden. You give her an inch she wants an entire yard. I am patient, but I have had to send her to her room to cool down. All the back and forth banter between her and her siblings gets real old. So I explained this to the tween and teen. The 7's are the age where they definitely are learning independence. They want to do everything like everyone else or the drama begins. The fake crying gets to me and worse yet, the self inflicting scratching during her crying fit. She folds her arms and sometimes scratches herself. She used to bite her clothes at age 4-5 and make holes in them along with biting herself and spitting. She has a temper. She cries and whines at the drop of a hat and when asked to do something in her room, she replies with the "what about my brother?" I give her quite a bit of one on one time and divide myself between her and the tween. I encourage conversation. But frankly the "I'm bored" is getting old. It is all about electronics and cartoons. I am fed up with that.

I would start logging the behavior to see if it occurs afer a particular involvement with a friend, activity at school, food, etc. She is acting out because of something. She needs to find someone to talk out these issues and find better methods of coping with stress (stress could be simply not knowing how to resolve something and not the overwhelming type of stress we think of as adults).

Try getting her into a child psychologist or family counselor. I wouldn't expect an answer within the first 4 sessions. But after that time, a few issues should start to resolve that the counselor can talk over with her to find better ways to resolve frustration.

Donna Boeglein with Phoenix Associates off Lake Ave in Fort Wayne IN is great. If you don't have insurance or can't afford visits, you might try calling United Way. They offer a sliding scale office co-pay or free sessions.

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