I Feel Really Immature Crying About This But...

I would call her and let her do the talking..............she can't very well put the phone down if she is the one talking............lol

Well... she did say that she does it to everyone. Maybe when you call her, keep the calls shorter and ask her questions about herself. Don't let the conversations be so one-sided. Let her know that you're interested in HER life... THAT will make her happy. It has to go both ways, okay?

It does suck that she's been doing that to you. I'm sorry. I would call her again, and I don't think it has to be this huge dramatic horrible thing. Just slightly adjust the phone calls.

Yeah, that would totally offend me! The best I can offer is that is totally rude and abnormal behavior, so the problem lies with her, not with you. You could look at is as an opportunity to be compassionate that she's having some sort of mental problem (whether or not it's true, it certainly can make you feel better to reframe the problem).

Yes, I would call her again, but instead of talking I would do some listening. Ask her how she's doing, what she's up to, what she's reading, does she see friends, any hobbies, etc.
I get that you're sad but I find it hard to believe a phone conversation could go on for more than a minute or so without you realizing she wasn't talking back to you! Maybe she wants to do more than just listen.
My own family is pretty lame so I really count on my girlfriends when it comes to friendship and support. Do you have many friends, or at least other moms that you are friendly enough with to get to know a little better? Parents die, kids grow up and husbands can only be so much. It's REALLY important to nurture your female relationships, those are the ones that pick you up, give you strength and are there for the LONG term!

ETA: Your mention that your grandmother is out of the country, Mama. I take it that you don't often travel out of the country to visit her. Would you REALLY just never call her again over this - write her off? I am astonished at the posts you've gotten suggesting to never call her again. The day you find out that she is dead may be a very hard day for you if you dump your grandma from your life because you felt insulted. I really wonder if the women on here who are recommending this would be selfish enough to do such a thing to their own grandmothers.

There may come a day when she can't take phone calls anymore. She may be unable to, or she may not understand a thing you say or know who you are. My own grandmother couldn't talk for the last 2 years of her life. All she could do was hold my hand and let me put lotion on her arms. You don't have that option since you aren't able to be together at all.

Sometimes depression makes people think only about themselves. Please don't allow depression to do that to you. Your grandmother won't be in your life forever and if you love her, you need to think past your own disappointment and see the bigger picture.

Original:
You're not immature. You have depression. That's why this hurts you so much.

Having said that, I want to tell you that you need to give her a break here. She is not your therapist. You are using her as a therapist. You don't even realize it, Mama.

You have to separate these two things - talking to family and using family as your sounding board. I realize you don't want to hear this, but I'm telling you anyway.

You know, she could have just told you that she didn't have time for you to talk OR she could have said that she wishes that you wouldn't talk about your problems all the time. Instead, she let you talk and didn't say anything. She probably thinks she's doing you a favor by letting you "get it out" while she takes a break from it or gets her work done.

If you don't have a therapist, please get one. They are trained to actually work with you to help you with depression, rather than you telling your story over and over and over. Grandma can't help you with that.

When you call grandma back, act like it didn't happen, and ask her some questions about HER and get her to talk to you some.

Hugs~~
Dawn

You're going on and on about your life. Why not ask about her life?

She's not "busy". She's telling you that you talk too much.

Keep a journal for daily ramblings, thoughts, memories. And from now on when you call her, ask HER how things are and let HER talk. And then get out of the house and get some hobbies.

My advice would be to skip the phone all together and switch to letters. One letter a month with a jolly outline of what's going on in the family and asking after her. The Grandmas love the letters in the mail. Maybe include some homemade things from your kids. Things she can pick up and put down, again and again, at her convenience.

:)

No wonder nobody ever calls her!

My response would be, well if you want off the phone, Just be honest!

You did not luck out with your family. You need to cultivate your own support group. Find a church. Find a play group.

It's not you who is not worth the time, it's them who worth less of yours.

There is so little time in life to talk to one's grandma. Before you know it, she is gone and there is never the chance again. I would call again. I would treasure the time with an understanding that she isn't hanging onto perhaps every word. Maybe shorter calls, perhaps, if she says it was "too much" talking.

I spent lots of time talking to my grandfather, and eventually he began to ask, "Who are you again?" His mind was going... But I would not have stopped.

Awe, that is sad. You paint a very good picture and although the "thud" make me laugh, your hurt did not. I feel your pain. I too live very far from any immediate family and am ofter cut off off conversation by my mom. I would suggest expressing how it made you feel. Exlapain to her to share her feelings with you as well. Maybe in the future you could call more frequently but have a shorter conversation time.

i do feel sorry for you. it must hurt a lot to find out that someone you thought was truly interested would do that.
but i totally feel for your grandmother. one of my absolute nut-up triggers is people who talk on and on about themselves.
i suggest that if you're telling her about your life because you think no one ever calls her or cares about her, that you rethink your strategy and ask her about HER life and what SHE'S been doing.
she's really just like you. she wants to know that someone is actually interested in her, not just in her ability to be a huge ear.
there's no way not to feel a bit hurt. and good for you for ranting here. but rather than internalize it in a negative way, why not use it as an impetus to develop a better relationship with her? try and shift the focus of the phone calls away from being all about you and your life to talking with her, not just what she's been doing but what she thinks and feels.
that's what people really want to discuss.
khairete
S.

Yes, call her again. Ask her how her day is going, then tell her about yours. Should take about five minutes. Then call her again the next day.....or so. More calls, less time on the call. :)

I love my family dearly but after five minutes on the phone, I am done.

Your grandma loves you and wants to hear from you, just not for a half an hour......

Oh my! No wonder no one ever calls her!! :-)

I probably would call her again, but I would keep it short and not dive into my life story as clearly she might not be paying attention.

I probably would be upset, but then I would just not talk as long in the future.

You might be struggling with this issue so much (or feel like you are) because of the depression you are going through. Sometimes depression can make things seem even larger than they might be. You don't have anyone close to you and now you feel you have been "shut up" by one person with whom you felt comfortable confiding in. I don't blame you for being upset. :-(

Sending you hugs!

Stop calling grandma for awhile until you can process what has just happened. When you do call her again, I'd tell her that she hurt your feelings by putting the phone down, and if she can't let you know she needs to hang up, then you will stop calling.

Grab your kids and get out of your house for a little bit. Go to somewhere fun for dinner to take your mind off of this for now. Talk with your husband and get his support. I don't blame you for being upset, but don't let it take control of your life. Get out and make the most of your kids childhoods and be that AWESOME mom who adores listening to their kids (and future grandkids).

oooh dear!!! I think I would feel VERY hurt. To be honest, when I first starting reading your post, I thought you were going to say "she forgets me"...

I don't know where your "home country" is - but I think ANYWHERE that would be rude. I would be upset if my grandmother did this to me. I know it was hard on me when my other grandmother that died in 2008 was beginning to get Alzheimer's and I would call her and she would ask "who's this?" I would tell her - and she would say "ooooh i loved your grandfather so. I miss him so much. Your father was such a good and loving boy." while that was nice - that was the conversation.

I would call her - but I would get HER to talk by asking her questions. Keep it short and sweet.

I don't think you are a bore. I really don't. I don't know how old she is - but it's possible that 5 minute conversations are what work for her.

GOOD LUCK!!

I think you have to put her in perspective. She says no one calls yet she does this to everyone? I thought no one else calls... Is she getting kind of old and batty or is still with it? And what are your conversations like typically? Do you do 90% of the talking or it's more 50/50? If it's more 50/50 and she just doesn't want to listen, I don't know that I'd call again. If you think, geez, I've done 90% of the talking all the time, then lesson learned. I'd call again and ask questions of her this time. My mom dotes on me and is a great listener but once in awhile I notice she may be tuning out. Or she told me about an excuse she uses on other people and i'll notice she did it to me! It does sting for a minute but I laugh it off and think even mothers don't always have the time or inclination to listen and listen and listen. I have become more sensitive to when I feel like she's not in the mood to have a long conversation. So maybe think of it that way. I'm sure your grandmother really cares about you. In terms of not calling, that would also depend on whether she ever calls anyone or is she on a very tight budget and can't make long distance calls?

Oh, God. I hate to admit this, but I have put the phone down on people.
Rude, I know, but seriously, after saying, "Call me back when your kids aren't screaming or when you can actually talk to me" and they're like, "No, it's fine....." I have layed the phone down and they don't even notice I'm not there.

I've never done it to my mom, or grandmother or other relatives, but there are a few people in my life who call me and I can't get a word in edgewise to the extent they don't even know if I'm listening. Sad, I know.

I'm not saying you do that, but much of my family is "old school". They don't have cell or portable phones. When I talk to my mother, she is hooked up to a land line phone and she can only sit in one spot to talk for so long. I know that. We check in, have a conversation, and then it's time to let her go.

Try not to let your feelings get too hurt. I know that as my mother gets older, she has little patience for certain things so I watch what I say to her and keep certain things to myself. I can usually tell if she's in the mood for talking or not.

Continue to call your grandmother because you never know how long she'll be around, but perhaps not go into a ton of details about what's going on with you. If you ask her about herself, she'll have questions to answer as opposed to listening to all your "stuff".

I don't think you've done anything wrong and I don't think that she doesn't love you or thinks you're a freaking bore.

From the outside looking in, just consider if you are engaging her in conversation or perhaps, without thinking, being one sided about it.

I would only say this to you because I've been through the laying the phone down thing.

I mean no offense and wish you the best.

I can understand your hurt feelings.....

I would still call her, but knowing that she may NOT have as long of an attention span, try calling her more FREQUENTLY, but for less time.... say once a week, for maybe 15 minutes?

And.... start asking her about what she is doing......get her involved with the conversation so it isn't just the "uh, huh" kind of stuff....

My feelings would also be hurt. My nanan was such a special person to me it would have crushed me.

BUT being a third party looking in, I can offer that your grandma probably does love you to pieces and loves that you call her. But she just may get overwhelmed with a 30 - 45 minute conversation. As we get older, we just can't tolerate things like we used to.

So, yes, please call her again, but this time slow down a bit; don't try to cram it all in. Pick one or two important things to tell her about; make sure she gets some time to talk as well. Then, if you really want to brighten her day, send her a little card with a handwritten letter inside telling her ALL the little things you didn't tell her on the phone.

Handwritten letters are things of the past; I bet she would thoroughly enjoy getting it. BUT don't replace the phone calls with letters; do both.

Sending hugs and support your way!!! Ok Mama, the biggest issue here is that you are experiencing massive rejection from many people in your life. I think Grandma's putting the phone down is the tip of the iceberg. Time for a major life change: it is time you believe that you can create the love and support you need and deserve. I would make a life plan to end thecycle of rejection and pour tons of energy into believing in your ability to do this and in expanding and deepening the relationships in your life. A therapist could help support you in this process. I would not give up on Grandma, I would just cast my net wider and build more bonds and
connections. Make this your mission! Blessings to you Mama!

The way I read it? She's the rude one, not you. She puts the phone down on people and thinks nothing of it. I think that you should not flog yourself for her behavior.

You know for the future that you should keep your conversations short and ask her, "Is now a good time to talk or should I call back later?" Or say, "If you need to go do something, please tell me rather than just letting the phone drop. I can wait or call back." I find with my own grandmother that it goes better if I ask questions that lead her to talk vs just listen. Call a friend first so you are not giving Grandma a brain dump with every call, or start writing letters (ask her if she'd like to receive them, and include small gifts and pictures).

Be proactive instead of reactive and also do not judge yourself solely on your extended family. If you are depressed, consider counseling to put them into perspective.

Try if you can to see it from this perspective. It's not that you aren't loved, it's rather your grandma who is getting older may not have the patience she once had.

Note, she did say she did it to everyone who talks a lot.. Her idea of a lot might even be a few minutes... My MIL won't listen for long and constantly interrupts. She doesn't do this because of us in as much as SHE can't sit still and NEVER was a good listener..

It's hard not to personalize this since you aren't close to other family members (believe me, I can relate) .. but from an outsider looking in who might be a little more objective, I see this as grandma's personality..

Do call her again and ask her if it's a good time to talk and if so, try and make it shorter than usual.. It's been my experience that when some people age (NOT all) but some... they just don't want to get into long drawn out conversations.. they simply don't have the attention span for it.. I think it's more about this than you not being interesting or loved..

I am sure she loves and adores you... :)

blessings

Hi there, I have been sad lately as well over my sister who decided to no longer take my calls over other family business. She won't take my little girls calls either and my little girl says she misses her Aunt so much, but is learning that she won't take her calls.

I finally had to tell myself I have to invest in my own family. It is probably time for you to do the same.

Pick up your pieces and love those critters. If they come around, wonderful. If they don't, move on.

Best Wishes.

what about sending her a speaker phone? then she can listen and do things simultaneously.

She was very rude, but I would still call her. But I would just call to say "hey checking up on you, got to go" and avoid telling her about your life since she is too rude to listen anyways. So sorry that happened, that would hurt my feelings as well.

Awwww I'm so sorry . . . yes I would have been upset too. Bless your heart! That hurts.

ETA: I really liked Mommyloveskids advice.

Sounds like now you know why no one else calls her! That said, I would still call her from time to time. However, I would start the call by asking if it was a good time for her to talk, and I'd limit how long the call lasted. I think as much as anything I'd be ticked off to spend international calling rates for 30-45 minute calls when she wasn't even on the phone.

You are perfectly with your rights to feel hurt and insulted. This was rude and dishonest of your grandmother. On the other hand, she may have thought she was avoiding hurting your feelings, so her heart may have been in the right place even if her actions were wrong.

You have gotten some good advice here. I think I would continue to call, but just for very short, "Hey, how are ya?" conversations. I love Theresa's idea of putting your life updates and your stories in letters.

I would be very hurt and insulted in your shoes. I don't think you're immature.

She obviously needs you to adjust your conversations and not make them so long. She does care about you, but just isn't up for your loonnnnnnngggg conversations. You want her to listen endlessly and she sent up to that for whatever reason. You have some family issues that are perhaps best worked out with a therapist, who will listen as long as you need without any emotional attachment. This is not an issue about your call to grandma. Please consider getting some help. It may make you feel better.

Does your grandmother suffer from ailments associated with age? My grandmother got to where she could hardly hear anyone on the phone. My other grandmother lost her mind toward the end of her life and started saying things that sounded very uncaring to others which she would not have normally said. Anyway, she might not be listening because she can't hear you enough to know what you said. I find myself saying something like "Uh-huh" if someone has an accent and I'm not sure what they said. It could just be that she didn't know how to tell you that she needed to go, but there might be other factors too. Perhaps finding a new hobby or another social group to be involved in could help for the time being. Don't ignore her, but I doubt confronting her is going to make it easier. Maybe you both need a little bit of space for now.

Well, I'm sorry - that sucks. I guess that just reinforces my belief that you often can't count on family. My advice is find fabulous friends who love you and want to hear about your life....and don't dwell on your family not being close to you. This is my philosophy in life...my family is nothing like me and we don't have a lot in common. When I am with them I feel like if I were thrown in a room with these people and did not know them I would not actually get close with many of them. Yes, call your grandma occasionally but keep it short and sweet. Go through your grief for the person you thought she was and then try to accept that you had too high of expectations for her. She obviously is not quite the person you thought she was. And this is ok. This is who she is. I have been through my grieving process for many many years and now I am hardened to it all...I am polite and kind to my family members but I do not expect much from them. So, my feelings would not be as hurt as yours were but yes, I would feel insulted.

I can honestly say I have done this with my mom, so has my brother. She just goes on and on and on and on about some stuff that I have no interest in what so ever. Now that I have speaker phone I would most likely just put that on and go about my business.

I suggest you take this as a "little" lesson and not a life changing thing. It is a big deal to you of course. I would be hurt too, especially if you were baring your soul to her and she wasn't listening.

Next time you catch her doing this start rambling on about something crazy, like painting your house orange or something totally off the wall. Then when she says something ask her, "well, what did you think of my idea?"....she'll ask you to repeat it again, tell her "Well, I told you that I want to paint the house purple with yellow trim, what do you think". Then when she doesn't correct you you'll have your proof that she was putting the phone down again. Call her on it. Tell her you were actually talking about being depressed and thinking about sad things and needed her to tell you how to feel better. She will feel bad about getting caught and might start being more honest about stuff.

My sister yawns when she's bored. If she calls me she has something to tell me. If I start talking about anything going on with me and it takes more than 4 sentences I have lost her. So I just don't talk to her about stuff unless I have her undivided attention.