Support for My Father

I went through this with my dad and my grandmother. My dad has two brothers who mostly just "couldn't be bothered" to help grandma. After watching my dad go through the emotional ringer one time too many I decided it was time to pick up the phone. I called my uncles I told them that this is also their mother and she is killing my father, ( my grandma was not a sweet woman) That as a family we expected them to step up and help out. Or we can just forward all bills and paperwork to them. They stepped up it took a little guilt a little arguing but I couldn't watch my dad go through it any longer.

Everybody is behaving normally for an abnormal situation. There are geriatric specialists who work with elders in this situation - usually a team of the doctor, the nursing staff, and the social worker. Depression in elders is common, as is frustration with the lack of mobility. Also, there is a sort of "situational dementia" that takes place when an elder is moved out of their home and into a hospital or rehab center. They often don't know where they are and get disoriented - then they realize where they are and they get angry. We went through this with my mother-in-law, and it was so helpful when the doctor explained it to us - we wound up being sympathetic (although frustrated, of course) but at least not so angry at her or bewildered by her. She kept demanding that we go to the supermarket because there was a sale on some ice cream bars. At first we argued that she had no freezer in the nursing home and couldn't keep them, but finally we just said we went to pick them up and they were all out, but that we would keep checking for her. That sort of thing calmed her down.

You might suggest that your father bring in some of your grandmother's things - nothing valuable, but some photos of the kids and grandkids would help. See if the other grandchildren will draw a picture or write a letter. Maybe a small CD player can be brought in, and the siblings can be assigned a week to be responsible to send a letter or a CD Grandma might enjoy. Your father, the other sisters, or even a staff member might be willing to put one in and let it play. If she has a DVD player, maybe they can watch an old movie together, something she enjoyed in her younger years. My mother-in-law loved travel movies - the story didn't matter, but "The Sound of Music" reminded her of Austria and "Roman Holiday" reminded her of her travels in Italy. If your grandma likes mysteries or historical period pieces, maybe the siblings can set those up - it provides a diversion and something to do besides listen to Grandma's rants about how miserable she is. There is only so much conversation they can engage in about the weather, current events, and all the other things Grandma is missing. She needs the break too.

Sometimes local agencies have "friendly visitor" programs where a volunteer comes in to read to the patient or just chat. Check with the senior center in that town, or the churches/synagogues. You'd be surprised what resources are available for those who ask. I'm in a local chorus that performs at nursing homes - we bring music in to those folks who can't get out. Sometimes a local elementary school or a scout troop or the high school community service club will bring in a field trip - the kids do crafts with the elders and do some seasonal decorating - construction paper flowers for the coming of spring, maybe bring in a flowering plant to spruce up the room.

The siblings who say "Grandma will get over it" don't realize that the average stay in a nursing home isn't very long - people go downhill pretty fast if they cannot rehab. A short stay for a broken leg for a strong person is one thing - persistent paralysis or something that doesn't heal usually results in a shortened life span due to medical and psychological complications, sorry to say. However, your father cannot continue to stay overnight and I don't think it's helping anyone. The nursing home or Elder Services should be able to give information on respite care - giving a break to the caregivers. You can help by making phone calls to those agencies, and by having your father (and grandmother) give you any necessary permission to talk to the resources available. The 2 sisters who help out in the evenings should be willing to sit in a meeting with the social worker (or other elder care specialists) with your father and make a plan. Then THEY can give this info to the difficult siblings so that the family meeting isn't just involving their opinions but also the specialists' recommendations.

Those siblings who still abdicate their responsibilities should be left out of the discussions and decision-making. If their opinions just upset everyone, try to understand that it may be their way of saying they cannot deal with the reality of Grandma's condition. They may fear her demise and just deal with it by being angry and oppositional. They will ultimately feel guilty and probably do now anyway - but they handle it by being argumentative. Don't try to convert them. It takes too much energy.

i know you feel helpless but you are trying to reach out to your father, and that's a good thing. Don't overwhelm him with all of these ideas at once, but maybe try to set up a conference call with his two helpful siblings and him, and see about assigning tasks. Organizing a "schedule" of letters or little gifts and "assigning" them on a voluntary basis to the entire family will give them something concrete to do - they can do it or ignore it, but don't ask for their opinions or criticism. Just say, "we're setting up this really fun chain of activities for Grandma, and we know many of you want to participate but not have all the letters/cards stack up on the same day. We want to spread it out so she gets something every few days over a period of time. If you want to join in, great."

Doing something very small and manageable, but positive, will help everyone through this situation.

Good luck!

Your dad needs to either get into a caregivers support group or get the social worker at the nursing home to help him problem-solve this. It is totally unnecessary for him to be with her all night. He should speak to her doctor or someone in charge to have her evaluated for medication for her depression. Also, he can speak to the activities director about pulling her into activities asking her to at least try them a couple of times. It's common for just one of the grown kids to respond to an aging parent's needs and it's usually a daughter but your dad has been tagged for this job. He needs stronger boundaries for himself. Some of his behavior may be out of guilt or unresolved childhood issues. Your grandma may be developing dementia and early meds can alleviate some of the symptoms but he may have to give the doctors a little push to get them. There should be a case review he can attend or he can ask for a consultation with the med. staff. If he can't get her needs met, he can move her to another facility when he can work that out. He has to realize that his mother isn't going to be happy at this time but he can comfort her somewhat and give her time to deal with it. The crying etc. may very well mean dementia as well as regular depression. God bless you for caring. Just be there for him as much as you can long distance. That's going to help a lot!

I am not an older mother with grown children but I would urge your father (and you) to discuss things with the nursing home's social worker and possibly your grandmother's doctors.

The only thing that I can tell you (having watched my mother go through this with my grandparents) is that they will "yell" at the ones they trust to love them regardless.

I learned from having my mom snap at me after being snapped at by her father, that sometimes just being there and talking about "other stuff" is more helpful than trying to offer advice. I would sometimes just send my mom an email that said "You're an amazing daughter and I hope I am able to care for you the way you are caring for Pop Pop. I love you." If you're not "feelings people" then maybe something a little less sappy, but with the same message.

As a family (of which my grandfather had only 1 vote), we decided to hire an aide. We were fortunate that his long-term care insurance paid for someone to live with him. At first he hated it b/c he didn't like the "stranger" in his home, but after a few months he realized that he was actually able to do MORE b/c there was always someone available to drive him or run errands.

Call the Office of the Aging/Elderly in your grandmother's county and find out how to go about accessing "aide time". My husband's grandfather had a woman in his home 4 days a week for 3 hours at a time. It gave my FIL a much-needed break on a regular basis and he could go enjoy himself without worrying as much.

It's wonderful that you love your father so much. Difficult as it may be, I'd encourage you say exactly what you said here. Something like, 'Dad, I can see this has really been hard for you. We're not good at talking about our feelings. I need you to let me know how I can help you.' Then look for opportunities to step in and give him a break.
You might want to talk to the nursing home about respite care. Perhaps they can step in and encourage him to leave for breaks. My heart goes out to you. Been through all of these kinds of things. Does it help to hear 'been there, done that'? It wasn't exactly the same situation, but twice now I've been through something quite similar. Blessings, S.

Its hard to know the whole story from this post, but here's what I'm seeing. It sounds like the Grandma is pretty emotionally controlling and selfish. It sounds like the two siblings who are pushing to treat Grandma with "tough love" are right on track. They are not interested in spending time (through the night! that's ridiculous!) with someone who is going to be mean and angry towards them, and with good reason! Depression is NO EXCUSE to treat people badly. It sounds like they are set in what they think and no amount of family meetings are going to change their opinions, right or wrong. I'm not sure you're going to be able to convince your dad to stop catering to your Grandma's every whim. He is a giving person, but he's getting spent - all the aggression coming out at home - and needs a break.

Grandma is going to have to learn to deal with her feelings. Would the family be willing to pay for her to see a counselor? Would she even be willing? It would be good for your dad to be able to set a boundary with her, I can only spend x number of hours with your per day, during the day time, not at night. Also let her know that the other children are not interested in spending time with her when she is so demanding and angry. Telling her that you love her, but she needs to learn to deal with her grief (about losing her independence) and anger issues, and your willing to get her professional help. Until she does this, people will not be interested in spending time with her. She's being toxic, and she's destroying your dad with her negativity.

Your dad is very emotionally tied to his Mom, he loves her and wants to help her, but right now he's actually making it worse because he's giving in to all her outrageous demands. If you can approach him about it from this angle, while validating all the sacrifices he's made, he might be more receptive.

Bottom line, your dad is going to have to have the courage to tell his mom all this, if he even will agree with you, and then his mom will need to be willing to get healthy herself. Your dad will need to decide what he's really willing to deal with in this situation. Encouraging him to have some much needed space from mom and an ear to listen when he needs to unload is the best way you can support him right now.

Best wishes!

I'm glad you asked this question because I'm sure this is going to happen to my father in the future. When my grandfather died in '99, my grandmother would only let her daughter help her. Well, my aunt lives 7 hours away. As you can imagine, she couldn't do much but did visit once a month. Finally, my grandmother started letting my dad do stuff for her too. Now, they find that my dad is the only one that "can" do things. My dad is a busy body like your dad (it sounds). So for now it is going okay. But when my grandmother is required to leave her home, I'm afraid things will change. You have gotten some good information and advice. Thank you! And good luck to you! I hope that you are able to help your dad get some relief.

i have been there with my dad bieng the sick one. i did most of the work docs apps and all. my brothers did nothing. to me this was normal for men not wanting to deal with it all. we hurt the ones we love the most is the best advice you can give him. i believe in tough love but i dont think this is an appropriate place for it when people get older and less aware of their surroundings they revert back to child hood so to speak now your dad is the parent and she is the kid. my grandmother did this to my dad all the time but she ws senile as all get out. he had to put her in a nursing home and couldnt be there constantly. she was senile from the day i could start remebering. my whole life. she would call him and lecture him to let her out of the nursing home.and nag that he wasnt doing this and he wasnt doing that and etc. one brother was physically and mentally handicapped and the other brother was mentally not there. so it all fell on my dad. he would treat her just like he would treat one of us kids. stern when necessary and let it go in one ear and out the other. she wasnt menatally capapble of knowing what was best for her.

she felt like she did but my son was more mature than her at that time and he was just a kid. her mind told her stuff moved that didnt move. her mind said she was being abused by my dads girlfriend who wasnt abusing her. her mind said eating raw food was good for her. her mind said her body didnt need food at all. she wasnt capapble of taking care of herself for these reasons. she would put her clothes on backwards and stuff too. and insist it was right. there is not much you can do to help your dad other than encourage him. tough love doesnt fix senility. there is no cure for it. she would also walk down the street in her night gown. yes she is going to be fustrated cause she cant take care of herself and yell at him. my grandma would call my dad every other day saying the nursing home was abusing her and what a horrible son he was for "locking her up." he just has to do what he knows is right. if he knows in his mind what is right is to leave her there so be it. if his mind says its right to move her in with you then that is what it is. im sorry i cant advise totally on this.

when my dad was sick i had to make alot of the calls on him with his docs especially when he was stoned on pain killers. he had no idea what he was doing. he wasnt with it mentally alot but sometimes he knew what was going on and i had to decide if he was actually aware of what he was doing or override him. for the most part i let him decide but if he ws to stoned to know what he was doing the hospital complied with my decision and his so called wife wouldnt make any calls on him she would make me do it. so all he can do is what he thinks is best and hope he calls it right and if he doesnt tell himself not to beat himself up over it he is doing the best he can.tell him he has to make time for himself or he is not doing his mom any good. that will help with his fustrations.