My husband is very upset with his grandma. A little backstory...dh's grandpa died about ten years ago and his grandma remarried 4 or 5 years ago. No one in our family likes her new husband, he's a real a$$hole and for some reason, loves to single out my husband. Every time we go over to their house we have to sit there for two hours while grandma and step-grandpa tell us that we don't make enough money, that our education isn't good enough, that dh's little brother is so much smarter, talented, more successful and that step-grandpa's grandkids are doing so much better than us in every way. It has always been very annoying but we've put up with it because they're old, yada yada.
Well, a few months ago we were at my brother in laws birthday party and they came over. My husband opened the door and step-grandpa greeted him with "Hey, worthless!" It really hurt my husband's feelings and he vowed then that he would never go back over to their house. We don't need that kind of negativity in our life. After a month or so, he tried to explain this to his grandma but she wouldn't listen...completely brushed him off and said that he was just joking around. On top of all this, his grandma was legitimately angry with us because we're expecting a little boy instead of a little girl like she wanted. She hasn't congratulated us once since we found out it was a boy...she's only said, "don't you know how to make babies?" or "maybe you'll do better next time"
She didn't attend our family Christmas because our sister in law (who has been in the family for 16 years) and her family are Peruvian and grandma doesn't like to hear "all those people speaking Spanish"
Dh called grandma on Christmas and told her that he would love to take her out to lunch but that he's not going over to her house. She told him no, if he wants to see her then he has to come over and hung up on him. Now she's been calling MY phone non stop leaving messages, crying and saying how my husband hurt her feelings and she needs to talk to him. DH refuses to call her back. We're both in agreement that no matter how old they are, they can't be this rude and disrespectful to us but I do feel like my husband needs to stop ignoring her phone calls and I'm in the middle because she'll only call MY phone and not his.
Sigh. Mostly a rant I guess but what do you guys think?
Thank you all for the supportive replies. I really expected a few of you to tell me to suck it up because of their age because that's what my BIL and FIL have told us. My MIL (the daughter of said grandmother) acknowledges how difficult her mother is and told us to do whatever we feel is best. I suggested to my husband that he send grandma a letter detailing his feelings and he is considering it. For now I'll be ignoring her calls and maybe deleting the voicemails before I listen to them because I know they're just her crying and guilt tripping us for something we didn't do.
Either way, I stand behind my husband 100% on this.
Tell her that you are sorry, but all of this must be discussed with DH and he's calling the shots and you're not getting in the middle of the family business..........
end. of. story.
What do I think? I think it was great that your husband stood up for himself and his family. These people are just plain terrible and self-absorbed.
When one relative complained to me that I should at least have a daughter (because all of us on my dad's side have had boys), I reminded that person that they should take it up with God, because I just don't have that kind of control.
Really-- your husband should send Grandma a letter explaining what needs to change in order for their relationship to continue. Give her concrete "No more degrading us. We work hard together to care for our family and you have no right to criticize us when we come visit. No more making racist remarks. We have no problem with SILs family and expect you to keep your comments to yourself."
I've had the sad experience of having to cut a toxic person out of my life. It sucks, but it's doable, and bought me a lot of peace. Do extend the polite letter of what she (and her husband) can do to mend things, and then, let her actions be your guide. Good luck.
PS: I like what SH and Beenthere had to say. My person was also BPD (borderline personality disorder) and clinically narcissistic. This sounds JUST like them!
Grandma is a b!tch and Step-Grandpa is truly an a$$hole. I'd do my best to stay out of it. If she keeps calling you, stay strong and have your husband's back on this one. He has very legitimate reasons to be upset with them and you trying to smooth things over will look like "taking HER side". Calmly tell her "Grams, there's really nothing I can do. I'm sure he'll contact you when he's ready. Maybe you'll be nicer to him when he does. Please don't call my phone anymore about this issue." Be strong! This woman is a manipulating piece of work...and her husband is, well, he's just an awful human being. Your poor husband...
Your husband needs to make it perfectly clear that he is NOT EVER going to be disrespected by her husband again, nor will his family.
He can reissue the invitation for her for lunch.
If she declines, so be it.
The next time you are together and either of them disrespects any of you in any way--get on your coats and LEAVE. Immediately.
Then wait for an apology.
I don't blame you O. bit.
Who do they think they are?
Geez. After the first paragraph I would have suggested cutting them off. After your whole post, I really suggest cutting off contact. If your DH wants to let his grandma know why, then he should call her one last time and state it plainly. I don't even think an explanation is necessary at this point, though.
Ugh! Family Drama, it is the worst. we have it in my family and my husbands family.
I am probably a lot older than you (51) and been married a lot longer than you (over 30 yrs).
Here is what I have learned.
Do what you have to do to protect your own family.. You, your husband and your children.
Do not allow others to put you down.
Stand up for yourself.
You know the truth about your situation.
You know what a great guy your husband is.. and you also know these people are toxic and not good for you all to be around.
IF your husband wants to speak with his grandmother, he should call her and make time to speak with her in person.
If you do not want to receive her calls any longer, set your phone to voice mail for her calls. Or block her calls. Whatever you decide, you need to let her know what is going on. You are an adult, you can do this. Just stay calm and try to use words that explain these are your needs, and your wants.
When my mother married her husband, I absolutely could not stand him.. I still really, really do not like him and neither does my husband. I was honest with my mother about my reasons.. of course she always sticks up for him and agrees he is irritating and in many ways "backwards".. But we have a bit of a truce.
My sister is a lunatic and does not want anything to to do with us, she told us not to even talk about her.. so we are honoring that.. Of course, if SHE needs or wants anything.. boy she is on the phone or emailing, asking, or demanding it.
My MIL has been so awful to my wonderful husband, her son, and ignored our daughter for so long, I just quit going over or speaking with her. My husband and his mom even went to counseling together.. That is when she admitted she is just closer to her daughter and it is not going to change.. Yeah.. she is a real great mother.. Anyway, I do not have to witness this, so I am done with her..
And so, I am polite, I am calm, I am just continuing to be the best I can be and not get into the drama.. I encourage my husband and daughter to also just be as polite as possible, but to just side step the lunatics in our family.. It has helped bring my blood pressure down..
This isn't something you tolerate "because they are old." They're not behaving this way because they're old. They're behaving this way because they're hateful, mean, disrespectful, spiteful bullies. They do it because they're allowed to do it.
When she calls you:
"Grandma, I'm not the one you need to make reparations with. You hurt my husband badly and allowed your husband to hurt him too. That's not okay. Don't call my cell phone again or I'll have to change the number for harassment."
And then if she calls your cell phone again:
"Grandma, I'm not talking to you about this any more. If you want to talk about anything else in the world, great. If not, now I have to call my phone company and get this number changed."
And follow through.
I think I would write G-ma a letter explaining exactly how you both feel. Then mabey she will have time to process it and understand what this is doing to your husband. Make sure the letter is written in a respectful non accusing manner though.
Just because they are old does not mean they can be this rude. I would either just ignore it all and avoid them for a while, or have hubby call back from your phone and let them know you how you both feel. If you end up seeing them at other family gatherings stand up to them, and tell them the comments are rude not funny at all.
Ignore her calls.
Tell your husband to answer her call and tell her whatever it is he needs to tell her. Whether that be "Don't call me anymore I am done." or whether it is "You and your husband owe me an apology." or whether that be "Grandma, I love you, but I am not going to be around people who have no respect nor common courtesy towards me." Or whatever it is... but he needs to tell her.
And then if she continues to call your phone, you just ignore it. And if she refuses to behave like a civilized human being, husband can go back to ignoring her calls if he wants to.
You can always block the phone number so that it can't call your phone, if it comes to that.
You are good to set boundaries with her. Let her have her tantrum and perhaps if you and your husband stick firm about only seeing her without step-grandpa she will come around. If not just go on with your life bc you are right...you don't need that kind of negative behavior.
I think you're doing the best you possibly can in an extremely difficult situation.
Hugs.
they are difficult and awful.
but you and your dh are sensitive and angsty.
you can deal with them with firmness and courtesy without being as petulant as they are.
tell your dh to call her and lay out his expectations firmly, eg 'grandma i love you, but i will not be spoken to in this manner. if you'd like to come have lunch with me, i'd love to take you. i'm not coming to your house, and your husband is not invited.'
you tell her that she must work it out with your husband and stop taking her calls.
boundaries are your friend. create them, and stick to them.
khairete
S.
Well I've been there. My husband's grandmother just passed in May and he did ask me to visit her just prior to her death. I refused. I explained to him that it was not appropriate for me to show up when we both know she and his dad don't care for me. My relationship with his grandmother has never been wonderful and with the dad, it depends on how vocal he feels like being.
So, I have to agree, if it just going to cause grief for both of them, it is best to stay away. Ignore the phone calls and let him figure it out. Just let him know with a little note that his grandmother called.
As I read your post and the responses, one question keeps coming to my mind... just exactly how old are his grandma and step-grandpa? I'm guessing they are neither one much, if any, older than my husband and me. I can tell you really quickly that if either of us ever treated our children or grandchildren (and we have some great-grandchildren too) in such a manner, we'd be put in our places pronto! There is no excuse for them treating you this way, and your husband (not you!) needs to let them know in the kindest, but firmest way possible that they are out of line and he is not going to tolerate this kind of treatment for himself or his family any more.
You mention the Peruvian SIL. I'm not too sure if there is a problem with her and her relatives being a bit rude with speaking Spanish in front of folks who don't understand the language. Since she's been in the family for 16 years, it seems she should be able to communicate in English. If she has relatives who come over and cannot communicate in English, she of course must include them by speaking Spanish, but when doing so needs to not do it in a way that embarrases those who cannot understand Spanish. This may well be a case of both sides having to give a little for the sake of all.
Some family members are toxic and have no room in your life. This is the case with family from my husband's side of the family. Very toxic. We don't have interactions with them. In fact, my MIL died about 4 years ago and my FIL wanted my husband to come to his house with our children but I was not invited. My husband said no to his father, that would not fly and so his father did not see his son or the grandchildren that he has never met.
Sounds like your husband has toxic family members. You do NOT have to sit down quietly and "embrace" being insulted, talked down to, treated badly just because it's family. Let me ask you this. If "grandpa" talked to your child like this, and said, "Well, hello, worthless!" would you accept it or put an end to it even if ending it means not visiting them or calling them until the disrespectful behavior stops. This is much more than negative behavior. Stop taking their calls, stop visiting. Write a letter or call them explaining why your family will not be communicating with them. Sounds like MIL is calling you because she thinks you can influence your husband??? My MIL told my husband when we were first married that any children I have won't be his own. So, they never met any of my children. There is more to the history of my husband's family drama but that is just one example I can provide.
Wow, M.! This is horrible! They are rude, disrespectful and crazy. You need to enjoy your pregnancy and start the new year off right by not surrounding yourself with these toxic people.
Here's what you do... IF you are bold enough and keep in mind that it may not pan out as you would like.. Which means, you'll have to have some detachment.. I would let grandma know that you'd like to sit down with she and her husband and you and yours.. Have your husband confront the both of them and let them know how the rude comments hurt him. Give them specific examples... I just see this as a problem that needs to be addressed face to face... Now, if nothing good comes of it... let it go....
grandma or not.. no one needs to put up with someone's rude partner...
do what you can and let the rest go......... remember, you may not get the positive feedback you are looking for, which means you must go into this with NO expectations.. .look at it this way, can it get any worse?
I wish you all the best
Good luck
Change your phone number.
Okay that might not work.
My stepfather is a jerk like that. My mother married him. She sits and says nothing while he insults everyone. She is eighty. I can't not go to things, but we hate it. the stepfather is so mean. Really. So we just try to avoid him.
Grandma is so needy she can't see how this hurts people. So, you can ignore him and tell him /them where to put it when you are there or don't go. Either way will work. They are older. They don't get it. And believe me, I'm not young anymore, I just hope I don't turn out like that.
