Grandma Overstepping Boundaries?

I bet Grandma is concerned for his safety more than anything. If she's on the phone with him she knows he is safe at the moment. We hear so often in the news about boyfriends abusing children while their mother is not around.

Hi M.,

Has your mother always been this way? How did she act for the 2 years you and he have been together before moving in together? Always talked alot to your son? Or been any sort of....neaurotic?

Ask your mother for examples of how your b/f is a monster to your son. What she heard, when she heard it, and what your son supposedly, if anything at all, told her. Like you said, your son told you your b/f was not mean to him, but ask her what your son tells her about him. Tell her what your son has told you about your b/f and see what she has to say then.

I also want to ask if you have asked your son how things are when your b/f isn't around? *If* there is the slightest chance they're having problems, he might not tell you when the b/f is around, or even nearby. You could then share with your son what your mother tells you.

The very long drawn out phone conversations admittedly seem a little odd, but maybe she is worried about him for some reason that you just haven't got to. Or, maybe she's just being paranoid.

If in your gut things seem to be fine between your son and your b/f, then they probably are and maybe in reality the problem is with your mother.

Best of luck in sorting it all out, and I hope everything is truly fine.

K. W

I think keeping her 9 yo grandson on the phone for hours is inappropriate. You shouldn't allow the long phone calls if for no other reason than at 9 your son should have time for other interests. It's possible that your mother sees your boyfriend allowing him to be on the phone as poor parenting. "He isn't paying attention?" He's "not relating to your son. He just sits on his butt and watches TV?" sort of criticism.

It is rare for a 9 you to be able to talk on the phone for over 15-20 minutes. They get bored. They lack phone conversational skills. My nearly 8 you granddaughter who is very verbal can only stay on the phone for 10-15 minutes when she's talking to her Dad who lives in AZ. With friends she can get silly and the time is prolonged by giddy moments of giggles and long pauses. Even then the conversation is less than 30 minutes.

You could talk with your mother and say that the long phone calls are not helpful and that your boyfriend will end the conversation when he wants your son to do something else or within the first 15 minutes. You and your boyfriend decide on a reasonable period of time for your son to be on the phone. And remember you don't have to tell her what you want him to do. Do explain to your son the new rule.

This reminds me that parenting experts say to limit the length of phone calls. This suggestion is in response to the teen years. Your son is not developmentally ready for phone relationships. They are necessary if there is a long distance apart. Even then parents need to start teaching phone boundaries.

Then, if your mother calls you, quickly say something to the effect that you're sure everything is OK and that you have to get back to work.

Both of you trust that you're doing OK and then be assertive with your mother. Is there a reason other than your relationship with your mother that causes you both to be so cautious about setting boundaries?

Could there be a reason that your son tells his grandmother one thing and you another? Could your mother be wording questions so that a negative answer seems like the right answer? This could happen during the spaces in which your son spaces out.

If the phone is set up so that your boyfriend could listen to your son's side of the conversation without making it obvious that he's doing so, I recommend that he moniter the calls.

Or you could set up to record the calls. I did that when my foster daughter talked with her relatives because they would emphasize that she should live with them and say negative things about me. I let them know some calls would be recorded and this cut down the negative remarks.

However you do not need to tell anyone that you are recording calls because you do not intend to use the recordings in court. Even your son doesn't need to know unless you want him to know.

If your mother disapproves of your relationship, she could be using the phone calls to create stress in your home. I'd put a stop to her interference. You are an adult. Your mother only has power in your life if you allow her to have it.

I would stop quizzing your son. That may cause him to feel like he's in the middle between Grandma and Mom. Grandma may be asking him to make choices. Your son may prefer living alone with you. This is normal. But your mother may be capitalizing on his uncertainties.

How does your son feel about your boyfriend and living arrangements? If you haven't discussed this with him, I recommend that you do. Leave grandma out of the conversation. Accept negative responses if there are any. I would find it odd if he doesn't have some negative feelings about this change in living arrangements. Change is difficult for most of us.

Observe your son and boyfriend together. Are they spending time together? If so are they playing which involves interaction or are they just watching TV together? Does your boyfriend know how to play with a 9 yo. Perhaps more family time playing would be helpful.

At the same time remember that where you live is your decision because you are the mom. But try to understand your son's viewpoint and sympathize
with his feelings. Perhaps there are some things that he dislikes that could be changed. Consider that with him.

Your mother talking so long on the phone with your son is not out of line if you've accepted it and not told your mother to stop. She may be concerned for your son's welfare. Find ways to reassure her that your son is OK. Have her over for dinner if she lives nearby. Go out to lunch with her and talk about her concerns. Listen in a non-defensive way.

If she doesn't live nearby, perhaps you could set up a schedule for when your son will call her. Coach him on how to express how he's feeling rather than waiting for her to ask him. I'd arrange for the calls to happen when you're at home. Then you'll know better what happened and you can give your mother first hand reassurance concerning the phone call.

This is not an easily soved problem. It will take time to work it out so that you can still maintain a relationship with your Mom.

I wish you the best as you work on handling the situation.

Hi M.,

It sounds like your Mom has serious fears about your boyfriend. He may be a great guy in many respects, but there is plenty on the news about how live-in boyfriends can badly affect children, which may influence your Mom's insecure feelings about the safety of her grandson.

As a Mom of adult children I would be really uncomfortable if my daughter had a live-in boyfriend. I'm afraid it shows a lack of true committment, which in itself is a risk to the children involved. If you are committed to each other, why not marry to show that committment? If you aren't that committed you are setting your son up for a huge loss and confusion when the relationship falls apart. Living together has been shown to actually lessen the chances of a later marriage making it because the dynamics are completely different. As a Christian, I know that we need God's blessing and wisdom in living our lives well. His wisdom, found in His Word, tells us that marriage is His plan for us and for the children He gives us. Marriage is not perfect because we are not perfect, but it is still the best plan.

That said, I don't think it is good that your Mom spends all this time talking to your son. That sounds way over the top! Try to see how you can help calm your Mom's fears, but if that doesn't work I would set some boundaries on phone time that are reasonable for the good of your son, like 10-15 minutes a day, and also ask her to refrain from criticizing your boyfriend to your son or sharing her fears with him, for his sake. What she says to you, you can deal with. But your boy could be made to be seriously messed up by getting lots of negative input over a situation he can't control at all. Your son no doubt loves his Grandma very much and needs her in his life. It just has to be brought into control, and you hold the keys. I know it isn't easy though, because you love your Mom too! But it can be done, with God's help.

Yes, your mom is overstepping her boundaries. I'm a grandparent and I wouldn't even dream of doing this type of stuff. She is definately a controller.
First: You tell your mom that she is allowed 10 minutes on the phone with your son, 3 days a week, or 30 minutes a week total. Also, tell your mom that your son will have a timer going and if, by chance, you find out that she is saying anything negative about your boyfriend, she will be allowed 1 less minute a week to talk to your son.

You are a grown woman. Don't be held hostage by your mother's controlling ways. Tell her you love her but you won't stand for any interference between you, your boyfriend and your son's relationships.

Wow, lots of advice. Abuse? Pushy Grandma? I say trust your OWN instincts. You know your son better than anyone. Is he close with his grandma, close enough to be on the phone for hours? If not, look for signs in your son of being uncomfortable when he's alone with your boyfriend. Is he different with you when you have to leave for work, etc? Ask your mom to define "mean boyfriend" to you so you know what she is hearing from your son. But most of all, trust yourself and your son to confide in you if he needs to. Oh and it probably wouldn't hurt to talk to your boyfriend. You clearly trust him or you wouldn't have moved in together. Ask him how your son is when they are together. If you don't like the answers then you can figure out what to do next.

Yes, Grandma is overstepping boundaries. (And I am a Grandma) Was she formally your main source of emotional support? It sounds like she doesn't want to let go of that position. But she has to. It is unfortunate but she does have to. Perhaps you could work a gentle transition out so that on Saturday or one day a week she has him alone. That way she will not have to spend all that time on the phone with him. Then you can say to her. No more mid week multi hour phone calls. Have your boyfriend answer the phone and tell her that he is outside playing or something. Good luck, W. C.

M.,

Wow....what a great example you have set for your son. He gets to see you living with a man who does not have enough respect to marry you. Your will grow up thinking it is perfectly ok to disrespect women. He gets to watch his mother raise someone elses child. You don't have enough respect for yourself by moving in with a "boyfriend".
You question your grandmothers boundries and yet you have made even worse judgements in error. And no I am not some religious nut, I not even affiliated witha church. I simply see what is happening to our youth and the way they are brought up.

Did it occur to you he might be afraid of the "boyfriend" and therefore spends time on the phone with Grandma. Stop thinking of only yourself. Live with Grandma, live on your own until you have raised your boy to 18 yrs old. You have all the choices he has none.

When this boyfriend doesn't work out will you move on to teh next? Remember you are raising a boy to grow up to love and respect women, not use them. Because you may think you not being used but he has made no committment and that sends a clear message to your son.

I definately think that Grandma needs to be told by you that the phone conversations are too long, and then you as the parent need to tell her how long is appropriate. She obviously doesn't like your boyfriend. So in the best interests of your son, I would make sure he understands there are limits for how long he can use the phone, even if it is Grandma. And then I am no counselor, but if it were me, I would talk to your son regularly about how he feels about your boyfriend, just to make sure everything is going okay. But if Grandma is unfairly talking about your boyfriend negatively to your son, maybe the phone calls need to stop for awhile? Good Luck to you and your family!

Yes! Your mom is overstepping. it seems like she does not trust your boyfriend and is checking in on your son. You need to have a serious talk with her. Be gentle - you need to be sure she listens and respects your feelings. Set boundaries, if she wants to call, set a time limit. let her know that you want your son to have quality time with her, but with his new family as well. ask her if there is any reason for her to be so negative towards your boyfriend. Now is the time to get it all out in the open. Good luck!

Have you put a time limit on all phone calls? I personally would start there. Does your mother ever talk with your son that long when your around? If not, Maybe let her know that you appreciate the time she is spending with your son. However, he has a bed time. You and your boyfriend are trying to maintain a schedule. It is VERY hard to maintain the schedule when he is on the phone.

Could she be jealous of your new step to happiness? Has she always had you and your son available at any moment of the day?
Have you talked with her about why she feels that your boyfriend is being mean to your son?
You could try setting up a secrete phone recorder. To see if what your mother is saying is true or not. You would also hear the conversation between your mother and son. Radio Shack has recorders that are voice activated. Just put it on a hidden phone line before you leave for work. Keep it hidden from everyone. Then you will know for sure. Just try it once or twice. You should be able to return it after a day or two.

Good luck. You are the keeper and protector of your family!!!

You have a lot of RED FLAGS! It isn't usual for a kid that age to even be able to be on the phone that long with a grandparent. Is that new behavior or had he been really close to her all along? The boyfriend is another concern. These nice guys sometimes are capable of behavior none of us would ever dream. I don't have any answers for you but I do think you need to rethink your move in relationship and get to the bottom of the phone calls too. I frankly think the red flags point at the boyfriend if this is new behavior by your son. Is he the one calling your mom or is she calling him?

That seems a little weird to me! Your mom is maybe jealous or worried for him, but you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel about it. I don't even allow my kids to talk to their friends that long. One half an hour is the limit a day. I can't even get my kids to talk to thier grandparents for more than 5 minutes, or there is dead air! I am wondering what you could talk about for so long about??? You need to discuss it with your son to. If you are leaving your boyfriend in charge your son needs to learn he is to respect and obey what your boyfriend says.
S. W

Grandma is definitely overstepping. She is WAY over the top. As a parent and a grandma I suggest you set some firm boundaries and stick to them. Limit the calls to 10 or 15 minutes once a day. It sounds to me like grandma is using your son to fill up her lonely evenings. Encourage her to make new friends through mutual interest groups or volunteer activities. Perhaps she is trying to find her place in your new life. Take her to lunch, but don't let these long phone conversations continue. It is not healthy for her or your son.
Be strong. Kat

Hi M.,
Grandma needs some counceling!! What in the heck is she doing keeping a nine year old on the phone for hours? That child should be doing the things that he would normally do if you were home. Things like studying, playing with his friends etc. Tell Grandma that phone calls are limited to 10 minutes and not during dinner or at bed time PERIOD!!! Tell her this is your rule, not your boyfriends. I know that it will be hard but those calls are inexcusable. Good luck, C.

Nine yr old boys don't spend hours on the phone with an adult unless there's a problem. Your son's phone calls to his Grandma are a safe haven, she can hear what's going on, etc. You will never know what goes on between your boyfriend and your son, you will hear two different answers, the question is what one will you believe? From the tone of your post, you can't believe anything wrong could be happening, you're finding fault with your Mom. Imagine how your young son feels if he's doubted. You don't believe Grandma and she's an adult, what chance does a kid have? Grandma is being protective. She's doing what any Mom would do. You're gone and she's providing the 'babysitting' via the telephone. Kids need to have a place to go, short of getting on his bike and riding to her house, this is his refuge. My brothers and I have always made it perfectly clear to all of our kids that they can call Grandma whenever they need to talk or have a problem, she's the go to person. My niece and nephew in Alaska who lost their Mom unexpectedly 2 yrs ago call my Mom when they're upset about whatever, when they're excited about something, etc. Has your Mom divulged any specifics of their conversations? You might want to talk to his teacher at school. Something is definitely going on and I would err on the side of caution and not cut off or limit his phone calls. I'd much rather have my kids talking with Grandma than feeling afraid, uncomfortable, lost. He doesn't call her when you're home does he? Sometimes the loudest messages are the unspoken ones. He's screaming at you that he's afraid and in trouble.

Dear M.,

I am a 40 year old mother of four. My oldest is 20, my youngest is 5 and will begin Kindergarten next fall. I too have an overbearing interfering mother...and yes, your mother is out of line. If I were in your shoes, I would most definitely set some healthy boundaries. I would block her number from your phone and talk with your son & boyfriend together. If your son wants to speak with her, that is fine, he can call her - however, he needs to have a limited amount of time (that doesn't interfere with dinner, homework or bedtime), that you, your boyfriend & your son agree on. I think 15 minutes is even a lot.

I have been forced to cut my mother completely out of the picture & even file a restraining order against her. I hope you don't have to go that far, but you need to tell your mother where her place is, and be very firm about keeping her there.

Best of luck,

D. P.

I went through something kind of like this, but no b/f involved. It's just been my son and I for the past 5 yr. I have to end up battling with his dad's mother at least once a month. Over trivial issues concerning the well being of my son and whether or not she's butting in.

My advice to you would be to tell her that you aren't going to engage in a conversation with her about your b/f's behavior. I would simply state to her that you respect her concern, but would appreciate it if she didn't comment on such things. Also, I would seriously limit the time that your son spends talking on the phone with her. Even though you and your son have a close relationship and understanding, I would still do this. My son doesn't talk more than 1/2 hr with his grandma, then it's time to go. I believe there is too much of a good thing. If you don't know what's being said between the two of them, it might be best to make phone calls short and sweet. I'm not sure if this helps, but as a mom who has had her fair share of butt ins, only way to resolve it is to get a bit assertive and put your foot down. You have a right to know what they are discussing. :D

Hi M.

My first question is did grandma start the calling after the two of you moved in together? If so you need to sit down with your Mom and talk. Ask her what is going on and why she feels the way she does. Do not include your boyfriend or son in this conversation. Reassure her that you love her and are not trying to seperate her grandson from her.Let her speak and listen to what she says. With your schedule this may be hard to do but it is very important before it gets too far out of hand and gets to the point where it can not be healed.

Was she the one who took care of your son before? If so she is feeling jealous and left out. My daughter and grandson lived with us for the first two years of his life. When our daughter and grandson moved out I cried for days as I missed them so much. I missed holding my grandson after I got home from work and snuggling him in the morning before work. The house felt empty.My daughter and I talked almost every day and that helped a lot. she missed me as much as I missed her.

Personally we have rules as far as the phone. Never at meal time and off half an hour before bed time. When they were young calls were limited to half an hour. Let your Mom know that her relationship with your son is very important but that you and only you are setting some phone rules.

She may not like your boyfriend but the fact that he also has a child and you have been together for two years before you made this step should count in his favor. I do not know if there has been a background of problems so can only give my opinion.He and his child are now part of your family and she may be feeling left out. Plan times when she can spend one on one time with her grandson.

Good luck with your new family. This is something that should be able to be handled with love listening and setting rules then following through.

Hey M.!
After reading your original message and update I get the feeling that your mother is fearful or uncomfortable with you living with your boyfriend and is projecting her fears and worries and trying to make them into reality. Your son is 9! I can't imagine that he wants to talk to Grandma, no matter how cool or fun she might be, for hours on end. You need to have a heart to heart with your mom and just lay it on the line. Explain the routines in the house and let her know that your son just doesn't have the time to spend hours talking on the phone. There are chores, homework, dinner and bedtimes that all need to be adhered to and he needs some free time to play as well. Be firm and set some limits to the phone calls, if she insists on calling everyday limit the calls to under 30 minutes (or less as you see fit). If you can get her to limit the calls to 2 or 3 times a week even better! She will probably find the phone calls more satisfying as your son will have more to tell her and talk to her about if they don't spend hours everyday on the phone. Set the limits and be firm (but gentle). Get caller id if you have to and don't answer when it's not her scheduled time. Good Luck!

Just make some phone rules for grandma and your son. For example, put a time limit - 1 hour, then homework, then another hour. Then explain when you are home, you would like them to be off the phone so you and your boyfriend can have some time with your son. Also, ask your son why he is on the phone that long. Maybe he's staying on to be polite to grandma, or he's lonely, especially that you have another man in the house. When my husband and I met, my son was two, and there wasn't as much time for him as when we were by ourselves.

There is nothing wrong with setting limits. Also, I would ask what my son and grandma were talking about.

If your son is behaving strangely, it is up to you to take him where you can talk to him by himself without being overheard, a friendly environment where he can freely talk about what's bothering him without fear of being reprimanded or punished. You may have to ask a lot of probing questions. My son often wouldn't open up until I did that.

I also agree with the woman who wrote about the problem with living with a boyfriend instead of being married. That means the home life is not assumed to be permanent. This can cause a problem emotionally - not having the stability of marriage. Boyfriends can pick up any time and move out, which can be devastating for children who are attached to them. We can not have the same lifestyle with kids as we did without. People have the mistaken notion that marriage is not important. However, it is VERY important. It gives your child more sense of stability, and you as well. Children who have important people jumping in and out of their lives end up being very unstable themselves.

Hi M.,

It sounds like your mother is trying to keep your son from interacting with your boyfriend. If she calls him after you leave for work and is on the phone for that long it seems like your mother is trying to keep your son away from him. I would seriously sit down and have a talk with your mother, son and boyfriend at the same time and get everything cleared up.

Good luck with the situation as I am sure it will be a sticky one.

Gramma is steping over the line... bed time is bed time gramma...
There should be a cut off time.. for all evening calls to children... mine was 8pm. No exceptions. I raised 3 boys of my own and 2 stepchildren, and it was hard with all the grandparents.. My oldest was more attacched to his grandparents then any of the other children.
Im sure she means no harm but is probly feeling lonly her self and is probly using this call to her grandson as a way for her to cope with her own lonliness. You might need to tell Grama about some set rules... house and ground rules... Which is always harder for grandparents to follow, unless there is some family intervention talks... like having her over for dinner...and making her feel comfortable with your boyfriend...
OR, Is there a cover up here.... Is your boyfriend the one on the phone...and with whom...
Talk to his teacher, teachers always almost see red flags... and can tell if there is a problem...

I am sure that your mom is a wonderful person, but it sounds to me like you need to pull the reins back in on her. You need to set up boundaries for her to follow. Allow her to call and talk to your son, but limit it to 30 min a day. Otherwise she is going to ruin any sort of relationship that your son and boyfriend could have. I am sure that she would rather have you and your son all to herself. We have gone through the same kind of thing in our family. My parents would be very happy if my sister would divorce my brother-in-law, and he were to take their son and leave. Then my parents could have control over my sister and her oldest son again. Parents can be the mose wonderful people in the entire world, but they can also be the most controlling, deceptive people too. You need to sit your mom down, and tell her, that there will be no more 2,3, or 4 hour calls. 30 minutes a day. PERIOD. And no more calling you telling on the boyfriend. If there is something that needs to be said, it sounds like your son will tell you on his own. You also need to make her understand, that if she tries to coherse your son in to saying mean things that are unfounded, that you will take additional action that could include being cut off from talking to her grandson without you present. She may try and test you, or test the waters, to see if you will follow through. Hold your ground, and make her responsible for her actions. That way she knows you mean business. But also make sure that she understands that you are doing this, because you do not want to have this relationship ruined by outside influences. Best of Luck!

You need to express to your mom that her calls are interfering with your son responsibilities. He probably isn't getting his homework or chores done. He probably spends so much time on the phone he's not playing like a 9 year old should! I would simply tell your mom that there is a time limit that he can be on the phone and let them have that little time together (like 30-45 minutes, to start).
Did she watch your son while you were at work before you combined households? If so, she might just be missing him.
I wouldn't be confrontational with her about the situation, just tell her you're concerned that your son is spending so much time on the phone he's not getting to do anything else.

I am speaking from a grandmother's point of view as I am one myself. Your Mom has good intentions but misguided. I only have one grandson and that's all I'll ever have as my daughter had to have surgery when my grandson was 5. Your Mom is feeling very protective and probably gealous of new people in your's and your son's life. If you can I'd suggest getting some counceling for all of you together so that this doesn't get out of hand. Your Mom is very important in you son's life. I lavished attention on my grandson and tried to input myself into his family beyond where I should have been for a long time. This caused some trouble between my daughter's husband and herself. I finally saw it and have since stepped back and things have gotten alot better. I'm still very close to my grandson and my daughter and her husband and I really get along well. So, I'd advise being simple and honest with your Mom and seeking help to help all of you before it becomes such an issue that it's out of control. Grandma of one

Your son is looking for family. He has been alone with you for nine years and now you've moved him in with a guy who isn't necessarily committed to sticking around. He misses you when you are gone. He doesn't have a real dad. He desperately desires family. He obviously sees verbal communication as a chief way of expressing love. Let him talk to his Grandma as long as he wants. He can depend on her. She's not a bad influence. Your boyfriend has no jurisdiction in your son's eyes. You don't want your son talking to his grandma for several hours a day, but you want him to spend time with your live-in every day? Instead of your man reacting your mom, he should try to schedule some quality time with your son if he wants a relationship with him. Any grandparent who is willing to spend so many hours on the phone with a grandson is a PRIZE. A boyfriend who gets jealous or worried about that ... Hmmmm.

Its great and all she is able to talk to him on the phone for so long. But i have to disagree with her. You are the parent. You set the the rules on what or when his bedtime is.
IT IS VERY disrespectful of her to call up and and be mean towards your boyfriend like that! Who is the meanie??? YOUR boyfriend has every right to say its time for bed. Who does she think she is? Maybe its time for you to say you cant call past this time because its his bedtime and for some odd reason when my boyfriend tries parenting my kid you attack him? There is NO excuse for this womans behavior!

P.S. I agree with Karen S. Something isnt right for him to be on the phone so long with a grandparent. Maybe if it was a friend i could understand but not a grandparent! i suggest you start off by taking your son on a long drive to where you can talk (maybe a lake or such) where its private and start talking about things. If he says nothing ask your mother what she thinks is going on if anything. i still think its very childish of her to call up and be mean to you boyfriend but i do agree no kid stays on the phone that long with a grandparent... If that doesnt set a clue for you on whats up. Talk with a councelour im sure he too will say this is NOT normal.

Question: Does your son squirm when he is about to be touched??
Where is the natural father? Did he die? Maybe thats what he is talking about to grandma?? Because he doesnt want to hurt your feelings or you get mad at him for it. Alot of options there.
What I will not get is if she knows of something bad. Why hasnt she told you? I would check into that also. I hope you take off work today and speak with your child alone

Here is a thought for you. Why don't you set up a time for your mom to talk with your son. Make all of the details out before hand. Example is on weeknights your mom can call at 6:30 after dinner and home work have been taken care of. The conversation must be over no later then 7:15 so your son can have time to get ready for bed. Keeping in mind that the phone hangs up at 7:15 so start to say your goodbyes within that timeframe. If your mom doesn't like it then she is deciding not to talk to your son. I would get an egg timer so that your son can see how the time is getting close to an end and when the timer goes off he'll have 10 min to say goodbye. Put in your own time frames that you and your boyfriend feel comfortable with. Hope this helps

as a grandparent i can understand her side but as a parent i can understand your side...i would have a talk with her and explain that it is upsetting the balance and routine at home and that if she presists them turn your phone off for the short time it takes for your son to get his nightly routine done and is in bed asleep...you make the rules and if she doesn't follow then cut the phone calls down to everyother day or once or twice a week...she sounds like she is lonely but is causing more harm then good and as for her saying your boyfriend is mean to your son i think it is just a lie to get you to let her call to check up on him while your not there...but you need to set the law it is your house...good luck

are you and your mom close? whould she tell you if she found out something is wrong? Your son may feel like your boyfriend has taken his place in a way that only he (thinks) he understands so as great as they (your boyfriend and your son) have gotten along in the past is completely different now your boyfriend has over stepped his boundries in his your son's eyes and feels he has lost a part of that closeness he had with you before.

On another note it's always important to keep your eyes and ears open and make sure your not in denile of anything, as wonderful as you can make someone seem there can aleays be a side of someone you are too blind to see. You need to make sure there is nothing going on.

just a suggestion maybe your boyfriend can go away with the guys for a long weekend and you and your son can plan just a mom and son weekend where you have enough time with just the 2 of you and maybe he will open up and tell you whats going on, why he talks to grandma so much for so long and what they talk about ... how he feels.

I wish you luck and success with this. This a critical time in his life and you dont want to lose that mother son bond you've been so blessed with in the past, he is at a age where he starts to choose and become who he wants to be, the friends he is going to hang out with though the difficult teenage years. And if there is something wrong and you choose to be in denile his chooses may end in a negitve matter where it affects him into adullthood. It does seem something is wrong and it needs to be addressed NOW. And for you mother I dont know your relationship with her but that long of phone calls without an explantion from her of why is rediculous. You need an answer today and then go from there. Good luck M.

It sounds like to me that your mom is trying to cause problems between you and your boyfriend. Was you mom always the one to watch him before you and your boyfriend moved in together. If so, she could be feeling left out or even jealous. I think you need to let your mom know that its not ok to do this. I would believe your son, because he would tell you if your boyfriend was mistreating him. Its not ok to be on the phone for that long, and if he is watching him then it is ok for him to tell your son its time to get off, to eat, go to bed or what ever it is time for. Be strong and tell mom she needs to stop. I have had to do the same with my mom. They just cant seem to let go. Good Luck

That is odd, make sure to ask your mom and son more of what is going on. Communication is key!

Hi there,

It sounds like some sort of boundaries need to be set. If she is going to talk to your son everyday make it a rule it can only be for 30-60 min. I am sure he needs to get stuff done like homework or bath before bed. She definately is overstepping boundaries. I would sit down with your son again and just ask him what it is him and grandma talk about and reassure him you are there to talk to as well and ask again about your boyfriend. Tell him he won't get in trouble for talking to you about it. You are his mom, not her so out of respect she should abide by your new rules. I hope this was helpful to you. Take care!

Hello,
I too have a mom that oversteps her boundries with my family all the time. I found it intersting that you raised your son alone along with help from mom i'm sure. I too raised my first son alone along with help from my mom. I think that is why our moms are such a problem when it comes to over stepping boundries. I think they feel they have a right because they have helped so much in the past. Only you know what is really taking place in your home with your son and your boyfriend. You need to make those determinations yourself. As for you mom, I have had to tell my mom over and over again where she is over stepping her boundries. I have had to explain to her that I am the parent and I lay down the laws even for grandparents. I have found that if I don't include her in family issues or if I leave her out of any decisions I have to make, She is not as able to overstep boundries because she isn't a part of things enough to know how to overstep. If you don't give her the ability to do it, she will be less likely to do it. I have to choose wisely what I tell her, what I let her in on and how much I allow her to get invloved. It isn't easy, but it makes life at home more peaceful. Hopefully your mom will be more understanding than mine. Good luck!

1. No child should be talking on the phone for long periods of time-no matter who it is, unless they are a teenager, but then again, phone calls should be limited to 30 minutes to an hour-for teenagers.
2. Your mother should really know better. Doesn't she have better things to do than to talk to her grandson for accesive amounts of time?

This is ridiculous. YOU need to talk to you mom and ask her if she has problems or concerns with your boyfriend. You have been with your boyfriend for 2 years before you moved in with him. I have known people who have known each other for 2 months, and they move in together. I think you have been cautious, waiting 2 years, before you moved in together means that you have thought this through and you have been responsible. Your mom needs to respect that.
Your mom is out of place for talking to your son on the phone for so long. 15-20 minutes is long enough. Does your son have homework that he needs to get done? Reading for 20 minutes a night? A schedule or routine? (homework, dinner, bath/shower, pajamas, T.V. time, bed) If she is/was any kind of mother, she would know that this isn't healthy. She needs to find a hobby.

Obviously your mother is concerned about something. You need someone neutral that your son can talk to and then can confide in you if there is something going on. Maybe a school counselor, a relative that your son trusts enough to open up to, a close family friend. This is something that you need to investigate farther. Only once you have all the information can you make a decision. It could be nothing more than a new situation that he isn't completely comfortable with yet.

I don't think your mom is overstepping her boundaries, she is just trying her best to protect her grandson from an environment she feels is not safe or in his best interest. But, even if her heart is in the right place, the way she is going about it is disruptive to your family's routine and is not helping anything. I would lay down a rule (with your son's input) about how long he is allowed to talk on the phone each day, and when he is allowed to use it. For example, no matter who he is talking to, I'd limit it to one hour, and off the phone for dinner and half hour before bed. Once you and your son have agreed on the rule, let your mom know and explain that it will be your son's job to set the timer and obey the rule... otherwise, he'll be grounded from the phone for a while. Also, you should concider letting your son have an overnight with his grandma one night each week. That way, they can catch up on all the conversations they are missing out on throughout the week.

Time to talk to Grandma. Tell her you know she loves your son, but this is not normal. Set a timer for your son and know that he needs to follow this because this is taking time from your son and boyfriend bonding time. Have your boyfriend play a game after talking with GMA to get him focused elsewhere or have a bedtime routine. If this continues she will be stepping on you forever. Been there..done that.
Tell Grandma that you are setting the time table and her Gson will be the one in trouble if she can't release him. If things go great you can have him spend the night with GMA other times as a reward for following the rules on both sides. Just tell her that it is making you uncomfortable and you want to make everyone happy without ruining relationships. If she doesn't go for it then it is your decision to cut ties until she agrees. If you don't put your foot down now, what will it be like later? I hope this helps. Good luck.