My three year old is a lovely little guy, charming, bubbly, etc. He is not as verbally capable as his six year old brother was at the same age. My husband has always held Boy #2 in low regard, and this evening, called him stupid when my son got soap in his eyes in the shower. I have told him on a number of occasions that calling him names isn't acceptable (it's even a rule in my elder son's Kindergarten classroom). After we put the boys to bed, my husband told me that he wished I would support him on this (I said support what?), and he said that he wants me to support him in notion that our son is below average. I said I absolutely would not support his line of thought. Have any of you experienced such ridiculous, inflammatory ignorance from your spouse? What did you do about it?
And, as a footnote, we spent 1.5 years in counseling, to end it back in January, because I wasn't getting anything out of it and the counselor wasn't pushing my husband to do anything.
I would immediately see a lawyer and divorce the man who was emotionally abusing my child. This is the kind of thing children never get over.
Wow!! Then my 8yr old must be below average because she gets shampoo in her eyes once in a while! Your hubby is way over the line with his attitude about your 3yr old!! Every child develops at a different rate!! Is his Ped worried about it? If not, then I wouldn't be either and tell your hubby to put a sock it in! And yea for you to not even be on the same page as he is!
S.
Your husband is on his way to verbally and emotionally abusing this child. Please take him to a counselor to get this nipped in the bud.
All kids develope at such differant levels and 3 is way to young to put a label on your child because this will stay with them the rest of there lives. Neither my husband or I was very bright at children. Both repeated a grade. This did not effect us at all. I graduated with honors and he is a very smart man running his own construction company.
Yeah, your hubby needs to see that name calling is damaging! He is only a child. How about positive critisicism. Praise him for what he does do good and he'll build on that. Whatever you do don't back down! Stand your ground.
What is your husband's birth order? What he is doing to his son is extremely dangerous and will someday come back to haunt him if he continues. Remember David in the Bible? His Father Jesse did not think much of him either but David was the son that God chose to be King and God showed Him(Jesse) just how much He(God) thought of David by anointing him(David) in the presence of all of those wonderful, strong and supposedly intelligent sons. We are not all created to learn the same way. We are all different and just because one child does not progress as fast as another does mean that one child is less intelligent. Don't put your son Down for anyone, not even you spouse. He is fearfully and wonderfully made and he is valuable. Make sure both of them know that.
Is your pediatrician worried about your second son's progress? I mean, is there any other evidence that your second son may have developmental issues or is your husband just being a jerk? Whatever the case is, identify it and move forward appropriately. By the way, calling names is NEVER appropriate and can cause long-lasting hurt. There is NEVER a reason to hurt a child's psyche. (I wasn't positive if your husband told you about the shampoo-in-the-eye thing and used "stupid" only with you or if he actually told the child he was stupid.) I think you need to educate your husband -- get books or see a counselor. It sounds like you two might should be seeing a counselor anyway and this is just one of the issues you two could work on.
Good luck to you!
I have not experienced this with either of my daughters....and it is not necessary in this case to have personal experience to recognize the inappropriateness of your husband's comments. In this instance, I cannot recommend counseling strongly enough, and soon. The potential for lifelong damage to both of your sons' self esteem and self acceptance is huge. Why for your older son? Being "held up" as better than his sibling does not engender closenss between the 2, and is difficult to maintain in the long run.
In addition, you said it beautifully, "Married to a man who doesn't appreciate anything he's got in his life." This "screams" for counseling.
I apologize if this sounds too strong. It is only because of the potential damage to your entire family structure.
C.,
Ask your husband if he has ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think you are stupid, you will be. If you think you will do well, you will. If you grow up with a parent who tells you that you are stupid, you will think you are stupid and will lead a hard and unhappy life. If a parent continues to encourage and support a child they will go beyond expectations.
I am a teacher. I have seen countless children that have come to my classroom with low spirits due to a number of different challenges. When given unconditional love and support, they grow and prosper and learn.
Although it is very easy for parents to compare their own children, it is not in anyone's best interest. Each child is as different and unique as each adult. They are born with different strengths and weaknesses. A child will only reach their full potential if they are respected for their individual strengths and talents and encouraged in their attempts to overcome their weaknesses!
I hope this is helpful. If your husband is really concerned about the abilities of your younger child, have him ask your pediatrician about it and get his/her thoughts on how to deal with the problem that your husband seems to be having. Your husband may listen to the advice and wisdom of a professional.
Wow.....I don't even know what to say! Obviously, you can't compare one child to another - even if they are both your own. The all develop differently and any good doc will tell you that! That doesn't mean that there isn't a problem, but it's something that can be fixed with a little help if there is (ie Early Intervention or something similar). Did your husband happen to have a problem with having another child to begin with? Was he upset at the news of your second pregnancy or very supportive and excited? Are there other issues in your home like finances or (medeling) in-law problems? Did he have a sibling who was favored or a father who was verbally abusive? Maybe he is projecting his anger/disappointment/lack of control/anxiety from another issue onto your son. Obviously this behavior cannot be tolerated, but I wouldn't suggest you run out and get a lawyer! There is that whole "For better or for worse" thing - this would be on the "worse" side! Try another counselor or maybe a pastor. He needs to understand how damaging his comments are to BOTH of your sons AND you (your relationship). Everyone is the way they are for a reason. You need to discover the root cause of his behavior and go from there. The rest will fall into place.
I hope you receive the support and encouragement that you are seeking. God bless you and your family!
Wow!! Please find a different therapist!! If that counselor wasn't pushing your husband, he/she didn't know what they were doing! Your child is headed for a life of LOW, LOW self esteem if he is continuously exposed to comments by your husband. That counselor should have BLASTED your husband for those comments. Please find one that will!!
Good for you that you're not supporting your husband's behavior! Keep doing whatever you can to build up that little boy of yours. He is whole and wonderful as he is. BTW - Einstein was put into a class for "slow" kids and his dad(?) didn't think he would amount to anything. So, there you have it!!
Go here ;) It's an article about Einstein. http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid...
Hugs,
L. in Atlanta
I am so sorry to hear you had such a negative counseling experience because many people find it very helpful. I was going to recommend you see someone before I read your footnote! I think you need to tell your husband that there is NO WAY you are ever going to support him on this and that if he continues to treat your son this way you will leave him. Seriously. Your husband is in danger of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy your child. He may be perfectly bright but if he keeps hearing he's stupid, he may just accept that and not try to overcome any challenges he may face. And by the way, I accidentally get soap in my eyes and my son's eyes all the time and I was a straight A student and have a master's degree! Sounds like your husband is being way too tough on him for no good reason (there is really never a good reason to call a three year old stupid!)
I am sorry to say this but it would be grounds for LEAVING!!! If he is incapable of not labeling a child and treating and loving them the same--he is not a father to either. Wow, he must really have some issues. I feel sorry for all of you. I have a friend who has nearly grown boys. One is dying for his father's attention...and the other, who the absent father would like to claim...knows that the dad is full of it and won't have a thing to do with him...as it should be. Fathers are not fathers when they chose favorites among their own children, or even among children they have in their house....this is ridiculous, and I would not tolerate it. And I am sorry that you have to be the only adult in your house!
All kids develop at different ages and just because he's not where your first child was at that age doesn't mean he is behind (and certainly does not mean he is "stupid"!) Your husband is entirely out of line and is being verbally abusive to your child. You must put a stop to that!
WHOA! Your husband is mean and insensitive. That's as plain as I can say it. He needs to see a new counselor and you may need to see a lawyer. That boy is his CHILD! What you put in your request makes me want to cry. If you have your child evaluated, you can know for sure what his capabilities are, but if he's "below average" then so what?!?! Does your husband think this means he should be humiliated and made to feel bad? That's disgusting! Calling any child stupid -particularly your own is just plain mean. It speaks to something mean and empty in the person's psyche. Your husband also needs to realize that if your son is below average in mental capability, then it's still amazing what he can and will do when given loving support and an encouraging environment. YES, if you have a challenged child, then your life will be a bit harder and you'll have to make modifications to address it. But at the end of the day, he's your baby boy! I know you love him like you should, but it seems your husband is lacking something here.
Also, if he's always had a problem with the child -why? You all need to get to the bottom of that. If the only thing the boy is doing is not speaking as well as his older brother did at a certain age and getting soap in his eyes -that is not a diagnoses of being below average! I still get soap in my eyes sometime! There are also countless examples of exceptionally talented individuals who missed some important developmental milestones or were delayed, so your husband needs to back off.
Seriously -your husband needs to realize how damaging his attitude is to your entire family. If he can't get over this, he really has no business being around children. Don't think for a second your oldest isn't learning from him either. Your " a little about me" reminds me of myself from the standpoint that I have two boys who often drive me crazy. However, we don't tell them they're stupid or belittle them do we? No one is perfect, and I've had my meltdowns, but it's really disturbing to hear that a parent is saying something so mean to his own child and then wanting you to "back him up" on his own meanness.
