Sister-in-law Mental Health Issue Affecting Marriage

I am sorry for your loss.

I went through what you are describing. It's not your SIL that is the problem. Well, she is a problem, but she's not yours. Your husband does not have boundaries. Your family (you/he/kids) needs boundaries. You need to agree on this and enforce them together. Rather, he enforces them with his family members, and you support him.

My husband never took his frustration out on me or blamed me. It was very clear his family was being too demanding of him and not respectful.

I wouldn't fixate on your SIL. This is about how your husband is treating you. Tell him it's not acceptable. It doesn't really matter what the reason is - he shouldn't be taking his stress out on you. My husband went to some counselling sessions on his own to deal with the issues in his family. They'd been going on since he was a kid.

Parents coming to their son is not right. That's the problem we had (still have). Not while they are still able to look after themselves. My inlaws go to my husband about his brother (still lives at home). My husband learned, through counselling, to care but not get involved.

My husband didn't like his family coming to him. Sounds like your husband might like it. That's a whole other kind of problem - codependency perhaps.

Your husband and you would really benefit from counselling. You have boundaries about what you will accept from him (and what you won't - insults, etc.) and he needs them with his parents and sister, and as a family you and he need to decide what you will and will not let affect your marriage.

If he does not agree to go to counselling, then you go and get help with how to best deal with this. You have enough on your plate. Good luck

Oh you poor thing - so much grief to handle and no support system in your husband!

I'd suggest your separate the issues:
1) sister-in-law is mentally ill or manipulative and makes life hell for your in-laws. They dump it on your husband. (This is not your problem, although it would be wonderful if you could be supportive.)
2) Husband dumps it on you. (This is your problem, and his.)
3) Husband doesn't appreciate what you do. (This is your problem, and his.)
4) You are grieving and feeling loss. (This is your problem. It is not your husband's although it would be wonderful if he could be supportive.)

These all require outside, objective help from a counselor.

If your only problem was his lack of support and his nit-picking about things around the house, I'd tell you to either participate in the "Day Without Women" mobilization (when millions of women will abstain from housework, child care, errands, their jobs, and their volunteer activities) or just take a weekend off to go visit your family (leaving your husband in charge of the household, with no precooking meals or telling him where stuff is located or food shopping in advance. Let him appreciate you.)

But there's more going on here. If you've lost your brother to suicide (a pain I understand - my husband lost his brother the same way) and your husband has a mentally ill sister, he may be terrified that her issues will escalate to the same level. A good friend of mine has a sister a lot like your SIL - lives with parents, can't work, and so on. My friend alternates between compassion and resentment.

You would really benefit so much from counseling. You need someone to hear you and validate your concerns! Don't wait for your husband to come around to this. Go see a counselor (your doctor can probably make a referral for you to someone who takes your insurance - just say you need some short term counseling for marital issues as well as grief counseling). If your husband will go with you for the first part, great. But I'd suggest you start on your own to have some time to lay out your concerns and feelings. If he figures out that you're serious and there's a problem, maybe he will come along for some sessions. Work that out with the counselor.

Good luck. Just take the first step and don't worry about how you're going to solve everything! Good luck!

I am so sorry you are going through this. You have a lot on your plate, too much it seems.
I am sorry for the loss of your brother. I'm concerned that you have not fully had the time or support to grieve his death. A month is not long enough to grieve. I strongly suggest seeing a therapist to manage your grief and deal with the current stress going on in your marriage. Even a grief support group could be beneficial.

Has your SIL been medically diagnosed with any 'mental health issues'?

My next concern is that your in-laws money and valuables are safe from your SIL. Do they have a will or living trust?

I think you and your husband need to have a talk. Set aside some quiet time when your husband is relaxed and let him know in a very caring manner that you are concerned about him, and can see the hard work he does for both families. Do not confront him and if it gets tense let it go for another time. Ask him what can you do to help out at home or how to spend more time together, but I would completely stay out of the sister/brother/parent dynamic. Sounds like you just become the scapegoat. Let them figure it out on their own. From what you write it sounds like they really enable her which will take professional help for them to recognize. Is she using drugs or abusing alcohol?

I understand this may be the last way you want to address him, but you are both under so much stress that instead of piling it on each other, you guys need to show empathy and understanding towards each other. Maybe you just need to show him that this anger is misdirected anger wrapped in concern?

Let him know you are on his side and support his decisions, and don't want to sweat the small stuff. You guys need to build a bridge to each other.

As far as SIL, I would try to not be around her at all, try not to be around her alone at all and learn to not engage with her at all when she is around. Just laugh off what she says and leave or switch subject. When you engage with her you are playing right into her hands. Do not confront husband about her behavior. If you wait patiently ( it will be hard) he will start to see it for himself and it will make a bigger impact.

I think your husband is under a lot of stress and doing the best he can I would adjust my expectations (lower them) of him for awhile longer. When he gets angry towards you about the little stuff I would just shrug and say 'well I did my best' and walk a way. Let it go.

Right now you need to lean on close friends to get support, and again I strongly recommend seeing a therapist, even if only for a few sessions.

Are you seeing a therapist? Because the things going on in your life - ill father, brother who committed suicide, unsupportive husband - would be a lot for any person to deal with. You need to talk to a professional.

(I'm specifically not mentioning your sister in law here, because I don't think she's the problem. I think that your grief plus an unsupportive husband are the issues. Please get a therapist.)

You are surely going through a struggle and stressful time.

Please know this, you need to get a job. Shake off hubby and family obligations and go to work. Not only will you find you are appreciated and noticed for your brain and skills you will also be out of the house. Hubby will have to depend on himself. He will have to pick up and go help mom and dad on his own and not tell you to go do it.

Having a job will also give you immense freedom. If you choose to leave you will have enough money to support yourself. Please get a secret savings account that he won't know about where you can put a little bit of money aside for yourself if you need it. Not a lot, I would assume an attorney would make fairly decent money even starting out. So perhaps a hundred per month? Or many even just fifty dollars per month? If he is demanding and wanting to know where your money goes then just have part of your check put automatically into that savings plan and then the rest in the checking account.

Not saying you need to leave, just saying that you need to have something for yourself.

You should also hire someone to come in twice per week and completely clean your house. Sheets changed, vacuumed, swept and mopped, all the dishes done and put up, all the trash out, etc...treat yourself so that you aren't their servant anymore.

Take time to spend with your family and in laws. They won't be around forever and you'll miss them when they're gone. When you're not all up in their business from having to go trouble shoot you will be more relaxed around them. You can always get up and leave when they start asking for help. It sounds like a horrible place for them to be. It's truly too bad they can't put her in a group home or something.

I'm so sorry about your brother. What a terrible thing for you and your family to go through.

I don't actually know what "basically saying that my husband and i will not work out and if I every thought about travelling" means...

I don't think I could live with what you are going through. I hope you rent instead of own a home. If you rent, you can move out without worrying about losing equity in a house...

One thing you need to understand is that you don't have to prove your sister-in-law is wrong by staying with this man. Your husband is acting in a way to get you to "prove" that you won't leave him like she says you will - by treating you badly. But what he is REALLY doing is bringing about a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don't buy into the bulls*%t. You do not and should not accept bad treatment.

Go talk to a divorce lawyer and find out what your rights are and what to expect. Get your legal ducks in a row. If it's possible, move in with your parents. Maybe your husband will get his head straight and realize how lucky he is to have you as a wife.

Or maybe he'll just go take care of his parents and crazy sister, and you can be rid of the whole kit and kaboodle.

Family counseling for you and your husband.
He needs to figure out who he's married to.
If he decides that it's you - then you and he need to move far far away from his family.
Your in laws are enabling your sister in law.
She makes demands, they cave to them and then insists that your husband caves to them too.
How willing a participant is he to all this?
What do they think is going to happen when they grow old and die?
Do they expect that he will take care of her his whole life?
If he won't leave - then I'm sorry but you've got no marriage worth saving and you're going to have to leave without him.

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. That must be really hard. I don't think there is much you can do as far as his parents or sister are concerned. But I would insist on marriage counseling together for the sake of your marriage. One on one and together with the therapist. Your husband needs to hear from another person how out of line his sister is. The correct thing to do is to distance yourself from her. Her parents and brother are enabling her. But you also are taking her behavior too personally (Not your husband's behavior towards you...that is hopefully something the two of you can work on in therapy) PS - the largest problem I see here is your husbands parents giving her credit cards to max out and giving in to her demands. They are creating a monster. And the second problem is how your husband treats you. If therapy does not help I would seriously consider leaving this marriage bc he is being so disrespectful to you. He should be a team with YOU. And he should be helping you in your state of mourning over your brother. Instead he is enmeshed with his sister and parents.

Sounds like you need to get out of your marriage. Your husband's whole family is enabling his sister's behavior, and you are too, when you continue to stay in the dysfunctional relationship with your husband. Get out.