Divorce and Torments for Son

He needs counseling. If he's saying bad things in school and can't accept that Mom and Dad aren't getting back together, and talking about death, then he's not handling it very well. Please get him counseling.

If you told the counselor that you are punishing him for saying that he is a stupid boy and that he hates the world, the counselor would tell you that you are doing the wrong thing. PLEASE go to the counselor yourself and learn how to help your son.

Punishing him for this talk is not going to help him. Would you rather him THINK it instead and end up hurting people when he's a teen? Because he's voicing it with YOU, at least you have a head's up as to where his mind is.

Have you thought of going back to court and talking to the judge about what the father is exposing him to? The counselor should back you up with this.

Go get some help. The fact that you are confused and don't know how to deal with him means that YOU need help. Not just him.

Dawn

Why would you punish him for expressing his self-loathing?
Talk--MORE--to his counselor.
Get yourself into counseling.

Tale as old as time--it's the kids that beat the brunt if a divorce.

I urge you to discuss these SPECIFIC concerns with his pediatrician AND his counselor.

Updated

Why would you punish him for expressing his self-loathing?
Talk--MORE--to his counselor.
Get yourself into counseling.

Tale as old as time--it's the kids that bear the brunt if a divorce.

I urge you to discuss these SPECIFIC concerns with his pediatrician AND his counselor.

What one and done said. Get counseling for yourself. You need help to deal with the stress, and to help him deal with the stress. You need professional help with this. Punishing him for being hurt and angry is not helping at all. Talk to him when he's not angry or hurt, do fun things with him, catch him doing good things. He needs love, not anger. He's probably had enough of that picking up the anger between you and your ex and it has overwhelmed him. When he says the troubling things, empathize with him and say "I'm sorry you feel this way, tell me what is making you say that." Don't freak, don't interrogate, connect. He's trying to tell you but he is 7 and doesn't have the words or understanding to understand or communicate it.

How much time is he spending with his dad? While I think violent video games may be contributing to his behavior, I do not think this is the only answer. Does his dad or any of dad's friends talk about hurting people? Do any of them react violently to things?

I would start to examine what is going on at dad's house when your son is visiting. If you think violent thinking or behavior is happening, you need to reopen your custody case. You can insist he be court ordered to stop playing the violent games when your son is home. You can insist your ex starts and continues counseling. You need to do what you have to to protect your son and his psyche.

Mama, he is in the danger zone, big time. Some of this is not typical kid stuff.

I suggesting parenting classes in order to understand when to discipline, your boy's development and how you can allow him to express his emotions. He's telling you he's angry. Doesn't have a right to be angry? I'd be pissed and possibly depressed if my world were rocked and I had no control over it.

* Instead of telling him what he can't do, tell him what he can do, what he does have control over.
* He's having to learn a different set of rules, go to a new school, his parents aren't together, his foundation has crumbled. Empathize with him so he learns how to be empathetic to others.
* How do you have fun with him?
* Do you praise behavior you do approve of?

The counselor should be able to point you in the right direction for parenting classes and/or support for you raising your boy as a single parent. This all can't be easy for you. Often, OFTEN, happy parent = happy child.

Getting him counseling was good but it is not working, is it?

If he's been in counseling a while and STILL says these wildly violent things, he needs more intensive help and needs it now. Please, please go to his counselor tomorrow and have a very serious talk about the fact he is still saying these things. Be very specific and tell the counselor exactly what he is saying. (Of course your son should not be present at this talk.) Then do not leave until you and the counselor have an action plan in place to help your son immediately. He may need more sessions of counseling each week; he may need a different counselor, or a psychiatrist instead of a counselor; but he needs immediate help.

You need to know that these statements of his -- if heard by a teacher or other adult -- could end up with him in serious trouble even if he swears "I was kidding"; kids have been suspended for less, and even in elementary school, threatening violence these days will get the attention of not only the school but also the police. I am NOT saying he's going to act on these statements but in today's environment, adults are going to hear things about "killing people" and get authorities involved very quickly. He is already on teachers' radar for these statements, be sure of that. You need to know and work with every one of his teachers so they know he is getting help and know how to deal with him when he acts this way.

I agree with the person who posted that you should get the counselor to back you up in court and talk with the judge about what your son is being exposed to at his father's home. The judge may have the power to limit visits more or to restrict what your ex does with your son.

If your ex and/or his friends or relatives talk this way themselves, you need to have your attorney and the counselor work with you to get your visitation altered or stopped or something done so that your son is not exposed to all this. It's going to be difficult but you have to fight for your son, and honestly, I don't see a lot of fighting spirit in your post -- you say repeatedly that you are confused, you have tried this or that, aren't good at sticking to punishment, etc. (And this is not about punishment, you do get that?)

Get him help and please get yourself into family counseling and/or a parenting class aimed at parents of troubled kids. You need professional help learning to deal with him and you need to learn to have more backbone dealing with your ex where your son is concerned. Some therapy or counseling could help but only if you get it and get it fast, before your son acts out or just says enough that ends up in serious trouble with school.

You should definitely not punish him for saying "I am a stupid boy and I hate this world." You should hug him and try talking or listening to him about why he feels that way. If he says "I wish grandpa were dead," you should ask him why.

This is a difficult question to answer, because your son sounds a little disturbed, and I think he needs serious attention.

Yes, he could use some confidence-building. Yes, a sport might be good. Is there some kind of mentor or counselor you can get for him?

Try not to punish him too much -- focus on love and fun. He is very damaged in some way, and you will not fix that by punishment. Good luck.

He sounds very hurt and very much like he is looking for serious attention. Not attention like look at me now, but attention like "I need help". Those are comments that a child with depression makes. IMO depression in anger turned inward, thus his delima. I agree that you need more help for him. However, you need to find a way to help at home. Make a day that is special date night for each of you. Then both of you should make a list of house rules. If they are broken you can do a punishment. Have the punishments laid out ahead of time. Now, when he makes comments like you mention, you will not see it as something to punish, but him crying out for help. Don't fan the fires with those comments. Don't react, just say the opposite and then let it go. "Sorry you feel that way about Grandpa, but he loves you". That's it. Don't forget the most important part is getting better therapy for him.

LD:

Welcome to mamapedia.

If your son has been in counseling, he needs a new counselor. And your family needs one as well.

You and your husband (if you are not divorced) need to be on the same page and stop arguing over and about him. You need to go TOGETHER to work through this and figure out how to help your son.

If he needs intensive in-patient therapy - then that's what he needs. It is NOT typical kid stuff, especially for a 7 year old, to say "I'm going to take a nail into my room and stab it in mommy's eye." That is NOT normal. That is NOT common.

Find a psychiatrist that will work with the family to help your son.

Have you tried just letting him pour his heart and soul out to you? Validate his feelings to get to the root and show him you love and support him? It sounds like he is crying in every direction for help. Try ignoring the bad behavior and addressing the feeling behind it. When he says those things say " Ouch, wow, you sound very angry about X. Its not ok to call me names, but I will listen and help you with your feelings. Is he in any sports? Could you join? Do an activity that he loves each day with him? Good luck---I will keep you in my prayers.

You need to be in counseling yourself.
You need back up to know how to properly handle these things in a healthy way.

I'm not going to get into details, but my young daughter was the victim of a crime. Her counseling was paid for and so was mine.
It wasn't enough to just work on her, I needed to know how to navigate things as well.

Your son has been through a divorce, a move, he obviously has very strong negative feelings about things.

As a parent, you need help in order to help him through it.

Get a professional to guide you through this process. This is no time to be confused. Get help.

Best wishes.

I am so sorry to hear about your divorce, and the struggles you are having with your son. My parents divorced when I was 16, and it was and still is, a tragedy in our family history.

I'm wondering first if you are getting any type of counseling or therapy? It is so important for you to be practicing self-care during this difficult time, and is very beneficial to have a neutral ear and voice to help you sort out your own feelings. This is probably the most important step.

Also, is there a support group for divorcing/single parents in the town where you live, or perhaps a "love and logic" or other type of parenting class you could take? This might help give you good ideas for appropriate rewards/ consequences for your son. My guess is that he is craving some structure and boundaries.

More importantly than that, hopefully with a few support tools you can find a way to set aside the stresses and strains of the divorce and create safe emotional bonding with your son. It sounds like he is in a lot if pain, and is looking for your attention by the things he is saying, so it might work to give him lots if living, positive affirmations, even when he says outlandish or startling things. For example: well silly, if you put a nail in your eye you won't be able to see! Or well, grandpa loves you so much, even though you're hurting. Tell him you love him, tell him he's fabulous, tell him cute stories from when he was younger, hug him, hold him, cry with him.

If you feel anger, resentment, despair, depression, confusion, worry, anxiety about your husband, and your divorce its likely your son feels the same, and had his own feelings on top of that. Make sure you aren't taking your anger towards his father out on him. Know that he-your son- is not broken, his little heart is broken, and you are not broken either, just dping some interior remodeling.You both will survive this, it won't be easy but you
can and will do it!

Honesty, humor, love and affection. Empathy, listening, support and boundaries. Faith, hope, and commitment to growth and change. Endurance to keep going, and on a better, safer, healthier track. I pray for all these things and more for you and your son.

Blessings and live to you both.