Is It True..? - Bakersfield,CA

So far, my kids have done better than I did. So no, they don't always repeat their parents' mistakes.

ETA: good Lord woman, you asked 3 questions in a row which shows anxiety.

Where did I judge?? I suggested you get help. Getting help is not judgmental..it helps you be a better parent.

We are all here to support each other and although you personally did not like my answer.., read and move on stop the attack. Maybe that's another issue you have.

I really hope you get help.

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Original:
You need to talk to a professional to get your anxiety under control so you can be a good parent for your child.

You can't let everything someone else says get to you this way. You need to seek counseling

This sounds similar to your last question - you're anxious that you will be like your mother, and you're anxious your daughter will be like you.

Just watch how you approach it - if it were me, I wouldn't act like it was a mistake to have her young - so much as that there are many benefits to waiting until you're in a stable relationship, mature, emotionally responsible, etc.

In my family, we try to learn from our mistakes and reflect on what might have worked better. You don't have to get anxious about it - that's life.

As before, getting some help to get your anxiety under control would be number one on my list.

Look, I don't want to be hard on you, and I realize you have an anxiety problem that you really need to go get help with, but I want to push you a little bit here in hopes that you will wake up and smell the coffee, so to speak.

When adults talk to CHILDREN like your mother-in-law is talking to you, it causes a self-fulfilling prophecy. "You'll never amount to anything!" "You're just like your father, that good for nothing lowlife!" "You're just like your mother, stupid and ridiculous!" "Why are you so stupid?" "Why can't you learn? I've told you 3 times!" and the list goes on...

If you don't SHUT DOWN your mother-in-law now, she will be treating your daughter like this. ENOUGH! Tell her that you are sick of hearing this stuff from her and don't want to hear it anymore. And tell her that she had better not talk down to your daughter.

What is she saying to HER SON? He got you pregnant. Is she badgering him too? Or does she just reserve her nastiness for you, as if he were somehow blameless in all of this?

Don't let this woman keep doing this. You do NOT have to put up with it.

I don't know how old your daughter is so I can't give you more advice, but you DO need to protect her from nasty relatives.

Take a deep breath and get control of your thoughts! Your thoughts will destroy you and destroy your relationship with your daughter if you project your fears onto her.
If you want any advise regarding your daughter, you need to be specific on the issue. Your post comes from a fear and anxiety base state of mind which tells me you need to look within and start taking care of yourself so you can parent your child and let go of what others think.

S.

It seems like your mother in law is commenting on a pattern she's seen before.
How old is your daughter and do you discuss the facts of life with her?
Do you ask her what she wants to be and encourage her to have a career before getting married and having a family?
Do you say "When you go to college" vs "If you go to college"?

My mom did most of the above mentioned things - both my sister and I became parents in our 30's with careers and husbands and stable situations to raise a family.
My uncle had 8 kids (Auntie became a grandmother at age 32) and I don't think a single one of those cousins got out of high school before getting pregnant or causing a pregnancy.
You've got to impress upon them that there's more to life than breeding (the urge to merge) and things can be better for them if they prepare themselves before starting a family.
But cut yourself some slack.
You can talk to them till you're blue in the face - and some kids will not listen no matter what you do.
You can try to chart their course - but they ultimately make the decisions and deal with the consequences.
Your MIL has raised a son that apparently helped you start a family early - so ask her what she'd do different if she had to do it all over again.
As much as she likes to make comments now - perhaps she should have tried to steer her son to become better prepared before becoming a father.

Additional:
If you are going to ask questions on a public forum, you have to expect all sorts of answers - not just the ones you are looking for.
If you can't avoid getting all huffy, perhaps the internet is not your best source of information.

I read the other people's responses. Do you have health insurance? Call the number on the back of your card and ask who is in network near you for therapy. Then schedule an appointment. I had to do the same thing and it really is helpful...it's someone to talk to about all the things that are bothering you and they have very helpful advice to give. What I would do - ignore your MIL when she says things like this. That's not nice of her. BUT look at your daughter...is she going down the same path as you? I don't know her age...is she a teen and is she dating boys? I'm guessing she is a teenager. Talk to your daughter often about how right now education comes first. Talk about her goals in life. Encourage her goals. Encourage her to work towards them, apply for internships, take classes. Talk about colleges and visit them. Talk to her about your regrets if you have any. Talk about your own goals...what do you do right now in life? Encourage drive/motivation/dreams and how to accomplish these dreams. Our kids know we expect them to go to college and graduate school and to follow their dreams so that they love their job/career. My oldest is 13 and we talk about it all the time. He is passionate about animating and computer science right now. I take him to talks by animators. I've signed him up for classes and camps where they work on animating. I've taken him to tour an animation studio. He and his dad built a computer from scratch this weekend...ordering cheap parts that he has been saving for over the last couple years. He was SO EXCITED at how well it works. We talk about how dreams change and how each thing you are interested in can teach you new skills in life. He sees his Dad and I being passionate about what we do and we try to share our experiences with him as much as we can. We can't control everything as parents...sometimes I think very little. But we can encourage and support and try our best to help our children mature and grow into (we hope) amazing adults. Good luck. PS - We have some good friends who had kids very young. The husband went into the military and the wife stayed home. After we met them and started hanging out the husband started taking night classes over the computer. He got a college degree. Then he got a Masters degree. Then another Masters degree. He has moved up very high in the ranks in his job after this. He has slowly and steadily worked hard and achieved his goals. The wife also went back to school and got a MS in childhood education and now watches kids on the side. I have another friend who married young and raised her 3 daughters. After they graduated high school she went to graduate school and got her PhD! I worked under her at a national lab when she was the head of a large DOE program and she was an amazing woman! So even if you marry young and have kids young it doesn't mean you don't have other goals in life and cannot accomplish them. Don't listen to your MIL. Prove her wrong.

I'm piecing things together here, but as someone who is managing an anxiety disorder...
Please, go get counseling and talk to your doctor about medication.

I'm pretty open about sharing this. These two things are life changers. I've done it. I had a terrible, abusive childhood and learned to address these issues in counseling. Counselors are a vital support for those of us who want transformation.

You can only do it when you are ready. Moving toward health and happiness was a long journey, but I am about 1000% happier. (Yes, I know that's not logical, but that's how it feels!) I can also tell you that, the first time it was suggested to me to talk to someone, I was deeply offended. I didn't like what the counselor had to say and didn't go to another session for a long, long time. It didn't help me to not address the issues-- it only kept me stuck. So, take the advice which is offered-- I can tell you from my own experience, doing the hard work of dealing with one's past, one's faults and flaws has good results. :)

ETA: I realized I answered a different question of yours, but yeah, positive talk about the future is a good thing. Good, honest education about reproductive health (and not just sex and the morality of it) is important. Our approach with Kiddo is to approach this as a "you have options for your future" issue, and to treat not getting some girl pregnant as A. his responsibility to not make a baby (we haven't had that talk yet because he still thinks girls have cooties, so to speak) and B. the world is full of time and choices; you can focus on so many other things besides having romantic relationships. He knows that mom and dad are best friends, so we model that sort of a relationship as the 'ideal' for him.

I think each person learns from their own experiences and that changes them into a new person. If you learned things by the choices you made then let those bits of wisdom be the things you pass on to your daughter.

Share with her that becoming pregnant and having her was the best thing that ever happened to you BUT that if you could do it differently you'd wait...3 years...5 years...or more until you'd gone to college, got a good job, been married a few years and had a home established. What would you have done differently?

Teens want to have sex, it's biology. We're wired to need that intimacy, that deep connection with another person. If it was even 50 years ago we'd see more kids married at 16, 17, and starting their families at 18. We have more options now. But even when I was in high school there were a lot of girls that married their senior year or right after graduation and started having kids within a year.

My best friend from 7th grade on got married at 17, her husband was 16. They had their first child on their first anniversary. They're still married, had 6 kids (she is one of 12 and they lost one child in a bunkbed accident) and haven't ever had to live with parents or been in dire straights. They own their own business and live in a very nice expensive home. Neither one graduated high school.

There are many more stories like this. There are also stories about the girl who got pregnant, he dropped her, and she had the baby and lived her life.

I think teaching your child about consequences and possible outcomes is an important part of parenting. Hiding your head in the sand won't change anything. Depending on the age of your child you need to have a frank conversation with them when it's time.

"Honey, you know that I was very young when I got pregnant with you. I know what it's like to want to be with the person you love in every way. Please know that I will be there for you. If you get to the point where you want to have sex please, PLEASE, talk to me so we can get you an appointment for birth control. I love you and would only change my age when I had you. I'd have waited a couple of years so that I could do better at.....insert why you'd do in that time period to make her life easier".

My answer is going to be a little vague because I don’t know how old your daughter is.

Is your mother-in-law talking like this all the time? What happens if you say a simple, “Thanks for the advice. I’ll keep it in mind”? Does she keep at it? When she says these things, do you sense that it’s more about being judgmental of you than in wanting more opportunities for your daughter? Do you feel like she blames you for getting pregnant but doesn’t place 50% of the responsibility on her son? If so, that’s patently unfair. Does your husband stand up for you and take on these discussions, either to talk about the issue or to tell his mother to butt out? If not, why not?

How you keep this from dominating your life is a tough thing. I’m an “over-thinker” too, and I rehearse possible responses and replay people’s comments in my mind. That can make the “comments dominate my thoughts more than they should based on 1 or 2 comments – the replaying” in my head makes it much worse.

Like you, I grew up with a hyper-critical mother (and to a large extent, a father too) – it’s hard to break free of that. I got good help from a counselor who helped me to find myself, be less hard on myself, and learn to accept compliments! I learned that sometimes the people who criticize the most are those who aren’t all that sure of themselves either! So many your MIL is drilling you like this because she doesn’t think she did all that great a job with her son. Maybe it’s not all about you – maybe it’s HER problem!

I think you can work on open and ongoing conversations with your daughter. Let her know, gently, that you wish you’d had a more open and accepting mother when you were a child and a teen, and that you are determined to be that for her. She can talk to you and get your advice, not your judgment. You can let her know – gently – that you love her unconditionally, but also that having a child young is challenging. You can let her know that girls/young women have more opportunities now than when you had her, and that you had more opportunities than your mother did. So her situation will be different, and she can make the most of her life (education, profession, and later, if she chooses, motherhood.

Make sure she has all the information she needs to prevent pregnancy. It starts early – earlier than most of us think! – and it's not just one “Big Talk” but rather a series of open conversations in age-appropriate ways. Don’t try to invent this yourself – talk to the children’s librarian at your local (or a big library if yours is small) about recommended/popular books for kids who are 6, 9, 12, 15 and 18. Read them first yourself – they will give you some ideas, vocabulary and “talking points” that will help! You want your daughter to see you as a non-judgmental resource so she isn’t getting info from her friends alone. And make sure your talk includes “how to say no” and “a boy who only wants you for your body doesn’t respect you” and “you are smart and capable and can make your own decisions.”

Make sure, from age 10 on, that your daughter has some private time with her own doctor without you there. You’re still entitled to information, but let her begin to learn to talk and ask questions of her health care provider. She’s going to need that going forward.

Good luck! You’re not in this alone!

I just want to add that although you have some sound advice below, it is true that, statistically speaking, many children of teen parents become teen parents themselves. The others have given you advice on how to get her headed in the right direction and I would take those steps. Also, I know this sounds silly, but it has been shown that the MTV show, Teen Moms, has actually decreased teen pregnancy rates, so if she's old enough, maybe make sure she watches that show! ;)

I also read your other question and I do think you may benefit from counseling. It is SO hard to take that step to get started with a counselor but once I did it everything changed for me. My whole life and personality made sense after speaking with a counselor and now I'm not a different person I just know how to look at life differently. If you continue making the same choices and reacting in the same ways that you already recognize as unhelpful then it will be harder for your daughter to make better life choices as well.