Ok, ill try and make this as simple as I can: this past February, hubby and I got into an argument. While I was holding our 1year old, and our 2.5 year old was next to me, he threw a casserole dish at me. It missed, but barely. When I told him to leave, he choked me, again while I was holding the girls, and pushed me down. I managed to get out of the house and take the girls to the neighbors, but let his family convince me not to leave him. He promised to get help, counseling, whatever I wanted. May comes around and he still hadn't done anything. When I asked him about it, he blew up, and another huge fight happened, and he threatened suicide, and was waving around a loaded gun. I called the police, whom he threatened to also shoot, but the neighbors managed to calm him down and get the gun from him. Police sent him to the psych ward at the local hospital. He was put on antidepressants, and given a counseling appointment for that week. He spent 4 days in the hospital. He went to the intake appointment, and hasn't been back since. He has been off his antidepressants since July, and cancelled his first actual appointment, and 'forgot' about his second, which was yesterday. This excuse later changed to we didn't have the money, cuz he spent it on hunting gear. Then, last month, I found emails between him and other men, making plans to meet up to 'get together'. Again, he promised to fix things and go to his appointments. Obviously that hasn't happened, and I am at the end of my rope. And to complicate things, I am pregnant with our 3rd daughter, due in March. No, it was not planned at all, I was on the pill, and drank too much on my birthday, which is the only time I have had sex with him since this all started. Only takes once! I just don't know what to do. My family is 1,300 miles from me, and his family just pushes me to stay. I know I said till death do us part, but I can't force him to change. He has to want to and do it himself. I will support him 100%, if only he would make the effort. Even want to do marriage counseling, but he refuses. Any advice????
Everyone, pleasm stop apologizing for your answers. I am a big girl, and can take the heat. I have been with him for 5 years, and he has never laid a hand on me till that time. As for getting pregnant again, I have no excuse. I know I made a mistake that night, and only have myself to blame, but that doesn't change that it happened. I am a softie, obviously, and want him so much to change that I make myself believe the fantasy that he might, for the sake of our girls, atleast. I need the cold hard truth slapped in my face, thus why I posted. I appreciate every single response that has or will be provided.
You all have given me the answers I have known deep inside, and it makes me feel better to have them confirmed. The wheeles have been set in motion. I have started packing and called home. While I haven't explained the whole thing to mom, she knows there have been problems for a while. My sister does know the whole story, as well as my best friend down here. The chance to leave exists, and I am taking it, though it will take a few days for the money to arrive. A plus as well Is while I alone paid for the house, It is in my moms name, not mine or his. if I have to sell, that can be my financials till I find I job in NY (home). It pains me to think that Ihave to separate him from his kids, but I know it is the only way. If he won't get help for me, than maybe he will do it to see his kids at some point. Guess we will see! I'll keep updating everyone. Thank you so much.
I don't normally respond to posts like this because the other responders typically say what I'm thinking. This time, however, I'm going to speak up.
YOU MUST LEAVE HIM ASAP!!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!! WE ALL KNOW YOU CAN!!!!
You're an idiot to stay. Is that the kind of slap you're looking for?
You can leave and you should - today. Check out battered woman shelters in neighboring towns (not your own town). Stop talking to his family, FFS! Of course they want you to stay so they don't have to deal with his obvious mental illness.
Oh, and if he's meeting with men to "get together" - get tested for STDs.
Good luck and let us know when you've left him for good.
Get out now and sort it out later.
A., I'm sorry, but you're exactly the type of woman we read about--dead--in the newspaper.
Please get your pregnant self AND your kids away from him NOW.
He is irrational and violent.
Not good for anyone to be near that situation.
ETA: When I saw your title I was thinking about "not putting his clothes in the hamper, not helping with the kids or the dishes. What you describe is NOT "not making an effort"!
This is a tough situation and while I am an advocate for couples to get counseling and work things out rather than leave the marriage..your situation is very different...um life threatening so you need to leave and separate indefinitely or permanently. Sorry but you need to think of yourself and your children first....Do no take him back until he is medicated and is in counseling and goes regularly and there are changes.
This sounds like a guy who could make you disappear...um...Drew Peterson...Scott Peterson...Don't make your kids orphans or you get hurt to the point where you're dissabled. He's a hunter with guns???!!!! Oh my MAJOR RED FLAG in making the situation worse.
While he's gone with the guys hunting... get a uhaul hitch thingy, pack it with your most important things, the girls' stuff, clothing, etc. Go to the bank and take out 3/4 of what is there and drive to your parents and live with them until he either does what he promised - which is important to the safety of yourself and children or you file a divorce.
This not a marital issue, so marriage counseling is not a solution. You can't fix the past, but how long have you known this guy, and how does he keep knocking you up?? You know that it only takes one time, so--especially with two young children between you--you don't have the luxury of drinking too much on your birthday. Seriously, what the hell...?? "Husband doesn't seem to make any effort". Really? It SEEMS that way? You need to stop worrying about his treatment and focus on your own. If you can be talked into staying with him under those circumstances, then you are just as sick as he is, and you need to get yourself (and your children) to a safe place and THEN seek counseling.
I totally respect the fact that you say you want everyone to be blunt and honest and have the "cold hard truth slapped in your face".....here it is.
LEAVE NOW....I cannot understand why in the world you are still there in the first place. This man has done everything he can to show you that he is violent, dangerous and unstable. It doesn't matter what his family says or thinks, you need to leave. If you don't have enough self-respect to do if for yourself, do it for your CHILDREN! It is your job as their mother to protect them and you being a "softie" isn't in their best interest.
How long is it before he turns his anger on them? Is this the example that you want your girls to see? Do you want them to think that it's okay for men to treat women this way?
So, that is your cold hard truth as you asked for it. Now... my heart completely breaks for you because you are in such a hard position and I know it can't be easy with no family support nearby. Was it a mistake to get pregnant again by this man, yes. But, what's done is done, you need to take steps to move forward and protect yourself and especially your children.
I do agree with the fact that he sounds like the kind of person who is going to have a hard time just letting you leave. Please be prepared for that and take whatever steps you need to.
Best of luck to you and your girls!
Leave- he's made his priorities clear and they don't include you or the kids. You don't need to support him through this. Pack your things and head to your parents' house for a while. Unless he actually sees his behavior as problematic, he'll never have an ounce of motivation to change.
His family is irrelevant and have clearly been enabling his behavior his whole life.
If he wants you and your children back in his life, then he needs to take the first step... of 1,300 of them to convince you that he's serious about changing himself.
you need to pack your stuff and go to a woman's shelter or move back where your family is! You or your children are going to end up hurt! Please for the sake of your children LEAVE AND LEAVE NOW!! RUN! Take only what you need if you have too
My heart goes out to you and your girls HUGS! god bless you!
Good for you! I am sooo happy you are leaving. Please keep us posted :) I am sure we are all worried about you, I know I am
A. - you need to leave him. Now, ...well yesterday! But not only is your relationship not going well to say the least - your children are at risk with him in the home. I am a former CPS worker and I can't understand how your children do not already have a worker insisting that he leave the home until help is sought. I'm sorry you have little support around you for making this change but it needs to be done. It does not have to be forever - it has to be until he has not only sought help, but utilized it and sustained positive changes. Also, want to make sure that you know marriage counseling is NOT sufficient or even recommended at this point. Any good therapists/counselors will tell you if domestic violence is involved (which it IS) then each person must seek individual help first. He needs to address his mental health BEFORE working on a relationship with you and his children. His contact with his kids should be professionally supervised until he gets appropriate help. Do you have friends in the area to assist you and support you with getting out? How close do you feel to your family - if they knew what was really going on, would they let you come stay with them until things get figured out or something? You have to ask for help and not downplay what has been going on. Please know that you cannot make him want to change. Him wanting to may not even be enough if he has mental health issues unaddressed (which seems obvious he does.)
They want you to stay because they dont want to deal with him themselves!
Run run run run
do it while he is at work
get your family to help you
go to a womans shelter
anything but stay
LEAVE!!!
You are not in a healthy relationship and by doing what you are doing it's not going to change. You cannot change him, that is something he has to want and do for himself. You can change yourself. I'm not saying getting a divorce but getting away from him. You need some time to refocus on life, especially the three children you have. You gave him a chance to change and he didn't do anything with it other than lip service. Well, now you need to show him you were serious and want something better for you and your children. If that means you need to move 1300 miles away do it. If you can stay there but away from him then do it. With his violence, I'd say get as far away from him as possible, I promise if he hits you once he'll hit you again and again... sorry will follow, then he will blame you that you made him act this way.
This is my advice to you... it's hard to leave, but if you want a change, you are going to have to do it... waiting on him, it will never happen...
Hugs going out to you!
How was the casserole and choking ingredient, not the end of your rope? I know this is difficult, but you need a reality check. Someone is going to end up beaten, even more damaged, or dead. That death do us part is on it's way. For the sake of your children, if nothing else...get as far away as you can. Get a restraining order.
You are putting your children in harms way. YOU need to help your children and be the parent. GET OUT. You are worried about HIM?? Worry about your own life and the life of your kids. Get out and get counseling.
Go stay with your family, it's actually good they are far away. Get an education out there, get a job. This man is dangerous and will not make any effort to change until he knows you are serious. Or you can stay around and wait until you or one of your children gets shot.
If you cant make it out to your family, go to a women's shelter. Get away form this man and his family. They are idiots and putting you in a dangerous situation and you are choosing to listen to them. Your children's safety comes first. Change your name, your cell phone, your address if you have to. Go to the police and get a restraining order.
You need to take the kids and move the 1300 miles back to your family. Sorry.
he had plans to "get together" with men, I'm assuming he is gay from this statment and has a lot of inner turmoil and anger regarding it, either way move out and make sure he gets help. You didn't say this was always so I'm assuming hes J. gettingmore depressed about his feelings. Either way unsafe, so get a job and get out o move to family.
I know this is hard. I was a paramedic before I was a mom. You need to go to the fire station and take the kids tell them what is going on and that you need help. Get a restraing order and DO NOT TELL HIM WHERE THE WOMEN SHELTER IS. I know you love him, but you must protect your children from this or the cylce will repeat with them. They learn about relationships from us. You can not let your kids grow up in this enviroment. You can not control his actions only yours. He has already held you and your children hostage at gun point. I have seen young children that have watched as their mom was beat nearly to death and they watched helpless and unable to do a thing. What would happen if this happened to you? What would bcome of those babbies? You can not wait for him to make the move. You have too. I am also a child of an abusive home. I will never forget the things that happened and why nothing was ever done in my home when I was a kid. You can do this. You r strong enough to do this call your mam and dad too. I know I would fly to the moon for my kids. You do not have to tell them what is going on but that you are not staying there. Do not go to your parents if you think he will look there. I know this is blunt but if you dont you will never forgive yourself.
OMG! I wouldn't listen to anyone who told me to stay if my husband ever even looked like he was going to put his hands on me - especially while holding a baby! Get your family to come get you and take you home!! They will find the money somehow if that is an issue. You have to get out for your children!!
okay wow Heather P was just not nice- You need to get out counseling is not going to help. Contact your family see if they can help you come home where you and your children are safe. From that distance start the paperwork to keep you all safe. Also his family needs to understand that he is a danger to himself and your family and that you are not willing to take that risk anymore. I know it will be hard apparently this man is struggling with many issues the "get together" thing is a bit disturbing. He sounds like the kind of guy that isnt going to let go easily so plan this thing out get help with getting you out make sure he is either secured by his family, friends or the police when you leave I am sorry to say but men like this don't just let you walk out the door. Take care
It would be wise for you to leave. He doesn't want to get the help so there is no helping this. I understand the whole 'til death do you part' and it being hard to leave, but you may end up dead if you don't leave!
There was a situation almost exactly like this in our neighborhood a few weeks ago. The guy ended up shooting his girlfreind - then killing himself. Now the children are left with no parents. You DO NOT want to end up like this. Please leave and save yourself before it is too late.
Take the kids and get the hell out, get a restraining order, change your phone number, and do NOT give him or his family your new contact information.
boy. from your header I was thinking i was going to come on and say ..."i sometimes know how you feel"...but I can't say that.
seems like you probably know that answer. and you have made steps toward that in someways.
Though being a single mom with 3 kids will be very hard. I also think being a mom of 3 kids with a husband/father that is no help and only causing you sadness and possibly risking hurting you or the children, would be MUCH MORE DIFFICULT.
I would also think that the sooner that you remove yourself from his life...the better, for all involved. He obviously has a problem and needs professional help. If he doesn't get that and you are still around - he will hurt you or one of the children....either on purpose or accident.
Are you in a job that makes you stay where you are? Can you go back home and live with your parents/family for the time being until you can figure things out for good?
If you can't move away - then is there a friend that you can move in with? Can you ask him to leave and live with his family?
I definitely think that for your children and yourself, you need some time apart for both of you to figure things out.
Good luck with it all!
I am very sorry you have to go through this but I think you know what you have to do. Your kids come first right and they should not be in that kind of environment. My Mom and my uncle, her brother a few years ago got in an argument and my Mom was holding my daughter who at the time was 2 years old. My Mom turned to leave the room and my uncle pushed her and my Mom hit the side of the door frame with my daughter in her arms. She was babysitting for me and I happened to walk in the house just at that moment. I started yelling at my uncle and I actually kicked him out of the house. I was so upset. Something could have happened to my Mom or my child because of him. Your babies are first honey and you can't help someone that doesn't want help. Sounds like his priorities are way different than yours. I'm sorry....probably not what you want to hear. But I hope everything works out...Take Care!
